I probably started to have my doubts a little bit since Nagisa’s birthday.
But I denied and ignored those doubts.
There were a few reasons.
In fact, most of them were vague excuses that hardly qualified as reasons.
The only genuinely meaningful reason, if I had to say one, was that I was merely living as a complete stranger wearing Mika’s skin. That was it.
The one who truly cherished and valued Misono Mika was all Nagisa. The followers of Pater who adored and looked up to her were different from those kids from Filius and Sanctus. If it were the kids from Filius, when kind Nagisa ended up in the same state as the original Mika, they would have genuinely helped her rise up again.
I’m not trying to say that one just enjoys things when they’re sweet and spits them out when they’re bitter. Mika had never genuinely approached Pater’s kids, and Pater only regarded Mika as someone whose feelings matched his own hatred for her and Gehenna. There was no place for sincerity in any of it.
In Seiya’s case, their relationship was closer to being adversaries than anything else. It was hard to even see her as someone who cherished Mika. Even in the original work, it wasn’t until after experiencing all the events of the Eden Treaty that Seiya was able to look at Mika properly, and Mika… well, come to think of it, her attitude towards Seiya didn’t seem much different even after that, did it?
Anyway, not long after I possessed this body, Seiya herself told me… before losing her memories, in other words, that my original self suited her better than the original Mika, so this is a verified fact. I, for one, don’t start conversations with words that sound like fights to anyone who hears them.
But to Nagisa, Mika was truly a precious friend. The bond of childhood friends intertwined them just like a thread.
Then one day, that thread was cut, and I haphazardly settled in the body of a precious friend. And now, I’m living a shameless false life while pretending to have amnesia.
How did it come to this?
And what happened to the real Mika?
With my knowledge, I can’t figure out or explain the middle parts; all that matters is the result that I’ve possessed Mika’s body.
It was a choice that I couldn’t help but make. But just because it was unavoidable doesn’t mean the guilt disappears.
Because of that, I had vowed to become the most precious friend to Nagisa, more than anything in the world. I resolved to work hard to ensure that even when I eventually reveal all the truths from my side, this relationship wouldn’t fall apart.
“I love you more than anyone else… If we were to have one special person for each other, it would surely be us… I thought it was only natural to feel that way…”
But I really can’t shake the thought that perhaps my choice was wrong.
If only I had revealed all the truths from the very beginning.
Even if it wasn’t the first time, if I had opened up before I got crushed under lies and guilt.
“But why is it that now my situation… has become just one among countless people who like you normally…? It’s strange, isn’t it? I was your one and only childhood—oh, right. We’re no longer in that kind of relationship, are we?”
I shouldn’t have been put in a situation to tell this fragile girl that the person she held in her heart was a fake, intertwined with lies.
“Nagi-chan…”
Right now, that anxious look in Nagisa’s eyes, as if she could crumble at any moment, feels burdensome to me.
I just want to reject that feeling and continue living in this lie, terrified of what might come next.
But I now know that just running away won’t solve anything. To be precise, I can’t avoid the fact that I always knew it.
“No, Nagisa…”
If I turn my head because her gaze is burdensome, I know Nagisa will be hurt deeply. So, I don’t look away.
It’s time to stop hiding my sins behind lies and confront the truth. I must bear the consequences of the first sin I made after possessing this body.
“I have committed a great sin against you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you go through this. What I’m about to tell you will probably be shocking, painful to hear, and may even make you angry. This is something I should have said long ago, and yet, here I am telling you now because I’m just a coward. Yeah, I’m so pathetic.”
“…What do you mean by that? If you’re saying you simply can’t accept my feelings, then just say that outright. So why scare me like this…?”
I just want to close my eyes right now. But I can’t, so instead, I hold onto the warmth that those brown eyes offer and do what I must.
I never expected things to unfold so suddenly. It would have been nice to have time to mentally prepare, or even have a practice confession in the cathedral. But it seems I’m not going to get such a luxurious opportunity.
“Nagisa, the person in front of you right now… actually hasn’t lost her memory.”
“…Huh?”
“The day I said I lost my memory… No, more accurately, everything I said on the day you and I first met was a complete bold-faced lie. I never lost my memory in the first place.”
The person in front of you isn’t Misono Mika, Nagisa.
I finally pushed up the mask of lies that had protected me for the past few months.
Underneath it, I revealed the ugly truth of my face; just a coward in the guise of truth.
“…This is an unfunny joke, Mika. If you’re not Mika, then who exactly are you?”
Of course, Nagisa couldn’t immediately understand what I meant. Who could grasp such a thing without any elaboration? Only someone like Seiya, who had seen through this before, might be able to.
“I’m a complete outsider who flowed in from outside Kivotos and occupied Misono Mika’s body. Memory loss? There are no memories to lose to begin with. In other words, I’ve been deceiving you all this time while pretending to be the owner of this body.”
“…”
The chilling truth that slipped from my lips wounded Nagisa. It was evident in her eyes that the realization cut deeper than I intended. The moment she realized that all the time spent with me had been built upon lies came crashing down on her like an avalanche.
I felt her trying to pull her hand away from mine, but I had no intention of letting her go. I couldn’t allow that.
I have a duty to reveal the entire truth here and manage the aftermath.
“I have committed a grave sin against you. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for making you go through this. What I’m about to tell you will probably be shocking and painful, maybe even make you angry. I should have told you this a long time ago, and yet, here I am doing it now because I’m just a coward. Yeah, I’m truly pathetic.”
“…What do you mean? If you’re just saying you can’t accept my feelings, then just say that plainly. But why scare me like that…?”
My heart ached thinking that this was the moment we’d had to reach.
But I couldn’t. The warmth in those brown eyes was too radiant to just close my eyes against.
I never expected it to unravel so suddenly. I wish I had had some time to mentally prepare for this—some practice confession at the cathedral where it seemed calm. But those chances weren’t going to be presented to me.
“Nagisa, the one standing before you… I haven’t lost my memory.”
“…What?”
“The day I claimed to have lost my memory… No, more precisely, the day I met you for the first time, when I said I lost my memory was a blatant lie. I’ve never lost my memory from the start.”
The one before you isn’t Misono Mika, Nagisa.
Slowly, I pushed up the mask of lies that I had worn for months.
What was hidden behind it was my ugly truth, portrayed in the guise of bravery, but really I was just a coward.
“…This is an unamusing joke, Mika. Just who are you if you aren’t Mika?”
Naturally, it was too much for Nagisa to comprehend immediately. How could she possibly understand without further explanation? It would be impossible unless she was someone like Seiya, who had noticed these things from the start.
“I’m a complete outsider who flowed in from outside Kivotos and took over Misono Mika’s body. Memory loss? There were no memories to lose in the first place. In simpler terms, I’ve been deceiving you all this time while pretending to be the owner of this body.”
“…”
The chilling truth that I had let slip wounded Nagisa. It was evident in her gaze that the realization had cut deeper than I had intended. The moment she grasped that all the time she had spent with me was built upon a web of lies came crashing down on her like a landslide.
I could sense her trying to free her hand from mine. However, there was no way I was going to let her go. I couldn’t allow her to slip away.
I had a duty to reveal the whole truth here and manage what comes after.
“…I can’t believe this. This is a completely unbelievable and nonsensical statement. The person I saw all along chose to be sincere rather than speak lies—turns out it was all built on a massive lie. How could our whole premise have been wrong from the start?”
“I know it’ll be hard to believe, but everything I just said is the truth.”
“Really? If your words are true, then where is the real Mika?”
When I didn’t release her hand, once again, Nagisa opened her eyes with a much colder gaze toward me. Yet I could see she was still conflicted and confused.
“…I don’t know. I have no idea why I, who was living perfectly fine, ended up here in this body. I don’t know if the real Mika is alive, dead, still stuck somewhere in this body, or completely vanished… I don’t know any of that.”
“Is that so? Well you’re lucky. What did you think when I told you I valued you more than the real Mika? Did you laugh at me?”
“No, that’s not it. I never thought like that. I actually wished you wouldn’t belittle yourself so. I didn’t want you to hate me, Nagisa. I was terrified of being hated by you. In this place where I have no roots and am living in this borrowed body, there was no one else I could genuinely rely on besides you.”
“If that was the case, why not just be honest from the very beginning? You can’t let misunderstandings build and build into a mound before deciding to clear it up. You, of all people, must know that it’s wrong to do to each other. You’re an adult.”
…How did she figure that out? Did I slip up somehow? I don’t remember doing that.
“Why are you so surprised? If you’re not the real Mika, it would make sense for you to suddenly mature in every way after losing your memory. Your sudden appearance as an idealist and the discrepancies felt during your journey toward your dreams would mirror that as well. Am I wrong?”
“…That’s true to some extent, but…”
“That’s good enough. Frankly, it’s not that significant in the grand scheme of this matter.”
Nagisa, still holding the gun, put it back in its holster before reaching out her hand. I tensed up, half expecting her to slap me. But then, breaking my expectations, she simply held my face gently.
What’s going on? For some reason, it feels like she’s taking this situation rather well…
“There’s probably no way to revert this back to the way it was… you don’t know, do you? There’s no reason for you not to act on it if you know.”
“Well, I didn’t know any such way existed, and I gave up on returning things to the way they used to be ages ago. As for your comment that I should’ve revealed this sooner… I can only say I was too confused back then.”
“…I see. Then can you tell me your real name?”
I almost responded to Nagisa’s question instinctively but stopped short. I soon changed my mind and shook my head.
“No, if I say it, I think it’ll just remind me of the things I’ve lost, and that’ll be painful. I might end up wanting to return to where I originally belonged. So for now, I won’t say my name.”
“Ha… it’s tough. Honestly, I want to hate you for deceiving and tricking me like this, but I find that I can’t. Hearing you say you plan to continue living as ‘Mika’ makes me involuntarily happy. What a bad person you are.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry anymore. Neither of us would have wished to be in this situation.”
With her now free hand, Nagisa placed it against my cheek, brushing away a tear.
“If necessary, I can repeat this as many times as you want. I, Kirihouji Nagisa, love you so much that I can hardly imagine a world without you. Even knowing the truth now, that feeling remains unchanged.”
People around us started to gather again, and even amidst this chaotic scene, it felt like we were in our own world. I could barely hear the noise around us—it was almost magical.
“Whether you’re Mika or not doesn’t matter anymore. The one who took my childhood friend away isn’t you, nor is it your fault that you ended up in that body. This is something like a natural disaster—something we simply can’t redirect.”
“If we’re being technical, I suppose that’s true…”
“I want to make it clear that my feelings are for you as a person. It’s not because you borrowed Mika’s body that I fell for you. Though it began when you took over her body, the reasons my heart drew toward you have nothing to do with that. To put it simply…”
No matter the shape, I would have fallen for you regardless of how we met.
As Nagisa spoke, she slowly closed the space between us. But I was lost in thought, reflecting on her words.
I had to continue living as Misono Mika from here on out. Yet amid that, someone had appeared who would see me for who I truly was.
In this moment, Nagisa, who had so easily overcome the wounds I inflicted, was declaring that she would be my only true supporter.
“If you can’t accept my feelings, it’s okay to pull away.”
We were now close enough for our noses to brush against each other.
“If you don’t pull away…”
Our breaths began to mingle.
“Then that means you must feel the same way about me, correct?”
And finally, the distance between us was entirely closed. Nagisa boldly conveyed her feelings, and I didn’t reject them.
In a sense, it was a mutual confirmation of our feelings and a process of redefining our relationship.
Thanks to Nagisa, who continued to regard me with sincerity even after disclosing the truth, I could finally set down the guilt that had tormented me for so long. In fact, I even gained a lovely partner! What more could I ask for on a day like this?
“Nagi-chan? You don’t have to call me ‘you’ if you don’t want.”
“Huh? But…”
“I’d actually prefer it if you would call me the way you normally do. Yeah, that would be better.”
“Is that so? Alright, Mika. And thank you.”
I was aware that the storm hadn’t fully passed yet.
But in this moment, I decided to immerse myself in the happiness that lay before me.
