One day, I thought about this.
Isn’t reincarnation just a delusion of a girl tired of a harsh life trying to forget reality?
It felt a bit too vivid to call a delusion, so I quickly brushed it aside, but whenever I caught a glimpse of my different self compared to others, that thought would often resurface.
And when I met Edel, I was able to reaffirm that my memories were not merely delusions.
‘…So?’
Just because I realized that doesn’t mean my life would change, does it?
My conversations with Edel served only to reinforce the fact that I was an impurity.
I possess memories of another world but don’t belong to that world, and though I was born in this world, I don’t entirely belong here either.
An impurity that belongs nowhere.
Did I really want someone to come close to me?
“…No.”
I had never wanted that, not once.
“No.”
But Joanie immediately refuted my words.
“Though I never said it aloud, Kana definitely wanted that.”
Her voice was gentle, as if soothing a child.
Without realizing it, I took a step back from her.
“Remember? When we first met, Kana saved my life.”
“…That was just because I was hunting the Cockatrice.”
“If that were the case, you could have just waited for the Cockatrice to kill me, right?”
“…I just didn’t want it to take too long.”
“Fine, let’s move past that. So, I knew you were going to follow me, but why didn’t you stop me?”
“…I thought Garid would like to see you using Granic…”
Kana would have undoubtedly known.
She was right.
At that time, I was aware that she was following me.
Joanie took a step closer to me, and I stepped back again to avoid her.
“You taught me swordsmanship and saved me from the Empire’s soldiers.”
“…”
The swordsmanship I practiced was so atrocious that it was only out of pity that she taught me.
The Empire’s soldiers were the ones who came to capture me, so in a sense, it was more accurate to say they helped me.
With each word Joanie uttered, I took a step back, and she took a step closer.
With each step being the same, our distance was definitely closing.
Finally, she was close enough to take my hand.
“Above all, if you really hated me coming close, you would have declined when I asked to go with you. But Kana didn’t do that.”
It would have been much easier and quicker to go alone.
“…”
I felt breathless.
I didn’t want to object, but there were thoughts swirling in my mind:
‘I wanted to confirm whether my guess was right.’
Or,
‘It would be troublesome if we couldn’t communicate.’
Other reasons came to mind as well.
But the more I thought about them, the more I realized they were just pathetic excuses.
There were far more efficient ways to verify whether my guess was correct than monitoring her every move.
The hassle of not getting through to her was trivial compared to the hassle of being with her.
Even so, while I was desperately trying to come up with a counterargument to her words—
Hug!
“…Ah.”
I lost my words at the sudden warmth.
It wasn’t the first time I was in her embrace.
But for some reason,
this warmth felt more special right now.
“….”
“….”
Joanie, holding me tight, said nothing.
Suddenly, something hot rolled down my cheek.
Only then did I realize that I had been crying for a while.
“I was scared.”
Holding onto Joanie tightly, I voiced the feelings rising inside me.
“Feeling that everything is collapsing and that everything is disappearing again.”
Just like Garid, there wouldn’t be anyone who would fully accept me, but even if someone did, they would eventually leave my side.
I was an impurity that belonged nowhere.
Then I would again feel the sensation of being left alone in this world, having lost everything.
That thought terrified me, far more than I could express.
Moreover, Joanie was a player who saw this world as a game.
She could disappear at any moment if her interest waned.
Or perhaps, even if her interest didn’t wane, she might have something happen in reality that prevented her from logging into the game.
Then I would wait endlessly, without knowing why.
Like a desert fox waiting for a prince, endlessly.
At first, I might be angry.
Then I might be sad at the thought of being abandoned.
But eventually, all those feelings would fade, leaving only an endless sense of emptiness and void to consume me.
“…Yeah, I see.”
Still holding me, Joanie gently stroked my back as I spilled my disjointed thoughts.
When she carefully pulled away from my embrace, the warmth I felt drifted away with her.
As the cold night air seeped in, I shivered, and she held out a flower in front of me.
It was the same flower she had tucked in my hair earlier.
“Do you know what this flower symbolizes?”
“….”
“It’s ‘longing for someone who has left.’ And…”
Her eyes lowered to meet mine as she bent down.
The image of my face reflected in Joanie’s eyes was a mess beyond words.
“‘Anticipation for a new encounter,’ isn’t it fascinating? That two opposing meanings would be found in a single flower. Perhaps the person who first thought of this flower’s meaning—”
Joanie gently grabbed my hand.
By now, a flower she had held was in my grasp.
“I guess they realized that encounters and farewells cannot ultimately be separated. For every new encounter, there is also a new farewell. But that’s how I see it.”
If one shunned encounters out of fear of the farewells that will eventually arrive, that would truly be sad.
“You’re saying you’d live alone, without meeting anyone. Isn’t that too sad?”
“…I don’t know.”
Looking back….
Except for the time I spent with Garid, I had always been alone.
Even when I hung out with kids like me in the slums,
Even when I led the Knights after Garid left.
I was always with someone, yet I never felt like I was together with anyone.
“Kana might not have felt it, but surely deep down, she thought, ‘I don’t want to be alone.'”
Joanie’s thumb gently brushed my cheek.
From my cheek to beneath my eye,
Joanie traced carefully with precision, and she smiled softly.
“I want Kana to be happy.”
“….”
‘I want you to be happy.’
Beyond Joanie’s voice, a deep voice overlapped.
A voice I longed for, but would never hear again.
“…You won’t leave me, will you?”
I know everything has an end, and the meeting with Joanie will also come to an end.
Knowing that, I still asked her.
In response to my question, Joanie exaggeratedly nodded her head.
“Of course! Would a sister abandon her little sister?”
“…Promise me you won’t leave me.”
“Absolutely.”
The warmth we had lost came close again.
“I’ll never leave Kana behind.”
I wondered if she understood the feelings I had while saying this.
She probably didn’t.
She didn’t know that this world was a game and that it was soon to become a real world and that the people in this world were real people, not mere programmed NPCs.
She didn’t know that I knew all this.
Yet, I surrendered myself to her warm embrace.
And while nestled in Joanie’s arms, I whispered to her in a small voice.
“…My name is Canaria Grasis.”
No,
“Canaria. Just, Canaria.”
“Yes. Canaria.”
“…Please take good care of me, Da-eun.”
“…! Yes! I’m looking forward to it as well!”
Da-eun beamed and once again hugged me tightly.
It felt stifling.
But still….
“….”
It felt warm.
*
“Ugh….”
As I exchanged greetings with Da-eun in the morning, my face suddenly flushed with the memories of the past.
That night when we finally untied the knot that had been so tangled I didn’t know where to start.
Da-eun and I talked a lot.
About my childhood, the events in the knight order, the days spent with Garid.
It was tough at first, but once I started to open up, the words flowed out without hesitation.
Da-eun also shared various stories with me.
She flinched occasionally, trying to filter out things she shouldn’t say, but I noticed her effort to share as much as she could, so I pretended not to see it when she jolted.
And while listening to her stories, a thought came to mind.
I vaguely remembered that in my previous life, individuals could broadcast through the internet.
I found the excessive soliloquy and rapid dissemination odd, but now that I thought she had such an occupation, it made sense.
That night, for some reason, it felt like I wasn’t broadcasting… Perhaps Da-eun didn’t want anyone to hear our heartfelt conversation.
If she were the type to boast about such things, maybe we wouldn’t have grown this close.
Noticing my hesitation, Da-eun asked me.
“Huh? Why?”
“…It’s nothing.”
Saying I wanted to be alone, that I was scared, or pleading her not to leave….
Back then, I was emotionally overwhelmed, so it was fine, but looking back at what I said now, I felt nothing but embarrassment.
…Of course, I didn’t regret that night.
It was because of that night that Da-eun and I could untie our tangled knots and stand at the starting line again.
Even though I said it was nothing, Da-eun still looked down at me with concern.
Feeling embarrassed under her gaze, I scratched my cheek and changed the subject.
“About our future plans….”
“Huh?! Are we leaving already?”
“No. Not yet.”
I shook my head.
I had revealed my long-buried feelings, but I hadn’t regained my interest in the festival.
After the trouble from coming all the way here from Grasis’ territory, I just wanted to rest for a few days.
…Well, and.
“…You wanted to see it.”
The Falling Festival.
Feeling shy about looking her directly in the eyes, I glanced away and said softly.
“….”
“…?”
I expected a quick reaction, but strangely, there was no response from her.
When I looked back at Da-eun, her face was blank as she stood there staring at me.
I wondered why she was acting like that, tilting my head slightly.
Suddenly, her eyes lit up.
“…What is this cute little creature…? Is it okay to be this cute?”
“…What?”
Flattery.
I scoffed.
“Anyway, I meant after the Falling Festival.”
You’re coming along, right?
I glanced up at Da-eun, carrying that implication.
She didn’t disappoint me.
“Of course! Where are we going this time?”
I couldn’t tell if she was happy about the trip or about going with me.
Either way, seeing her happy made me feel good.
“We’re going to ‘Raxia.'”
“…Huh? Where are we going again?”
“Mad Continent, Raxia.”
At my words, Da-eun turned rigid while standing.
Seeing her reaction, I quietly nodded.
It wasn’t exactly a place that would delight her.
My site has received a lot of DMCA notices, lol. From now on, I will update the MTL on https://darkmtl.com/.
The site is fast and lightweight because there are no ads yet. However, the theme is different from Cybor-TL, so take some time to familiarize yourself.
Support me by donating at least $10, and you'll have the right to request any novel from Novelpia (excluding 19+ content) using a newly developed tool.