Was it a vacation, or just a blessing in disguise?
Still, one might think it’s fortunate to have time to adapt—well, who knows.
I thought I was okay.
I don’t really know why, but I was somewhat lazily thinking that if I just pull myself together, everything will be fine.
Lazy… I think that’s fair to say.
But what can I do? I have no choice but to think that way.
…
No, in fact, I know it won’t be okay.
I still haven’t visited the grave of that dead uncle. I don’t even know where he was buried, or his name. The person who saved me.
Thinking back, in my previous life, I didn’t carry others’ lives on my shoulders. It wasn’t like I had someone else dying in my place; my job was to go in there, put my life on the line to save others, and make it out alive.
Being saved like this honestly felt unfamiliar.
A decent house. The city center I’d returned to. Probably, with so many conveniences around, I could easily do anything.
But now, I have no friends or anything.
I had to start over again.
I could say goodbye to Mako one last time, but that didn’t mean I could reach out.
Kagami, who was always by my side at home, wasn’t there now.
I sat in the living room, staring blankly at the sky outside, then got up from my seat.
Still, I want to be next to Kagami. After all, Kagami was the only person I could rely on in this world.
I knew where she was. Kagami was organizing her belongings. There wasn’t much to pack, but she still had to tidy up to survive. Living a normal life was such a nuisance and hassle.
… I’ve strayed so far from that word that I’m not sure if I should still write about it.
I shuffled over to the front of the room and slowly opened the door.
And—
From the small opening, I heard the sound of muffled sobs.
“……”
Kagami was alone, curled up on the floor, crying.
Ah, I see.
The reason she declined my offer to help was probably that she didn’t want to show me that.
No matter what kind of being I am, to Kagami, I was her daughter.
My nose tinged with sadness.
All those hours Kagami put in, trying so hard, turned to bubbles. The dream of wanting to be ordinary shattered into pieces. It was because I was never ordinary from the start.
Yeah, I knew that.
No matter what, I was not an ordinary human. The personality inside me vividly remembered my previous life.
Is there really a child like that in this world?
… There was a story that everyone possesses memories of their past lives but slowly forgets them as they grow, until they can’t remember anything by the time they become adults.
I rather hoped that starting now, it would be like that.
Although, seeing how my consciousness was becoming clearer as time passed, I had a feeling it would be quite hard.
As I fidgeted, trying to step inside, I sensed someone behind me.
Looking up, it was the uncle.
He was looking down at me with a pitying gaze. I raised my face, puzzled, but it seemed he couldn’t figure out whether I should go in and comfort Kagami or not.
“……”
I decided to leave her alone for a bit.
If I went to see her now, it would feel like I was going in to be comforted instead of comforting her.
When I closed the door, it was just the uncle and me.
I didn’t feel suspicious or afraid. After spending over a year with him, I had a pretty good feel for what kind of person he was. I don’t really know if he’s a good person or not, but for both of us, he was a very good person.
He seemed like he was half-retired from the yakuza. If he were truly retired, he wouldn’t have a reason to be next to us.
As I started to shuffle back, the uncle followed me, looking a bit uneasy.
I opened the large window in the living room.
Hot air rushed into the living room. The sky was a bright blue that didn’t fit our mood.
I sat down on the small tatami mat outside the living room, leaving a little space beside me, and the uncle sat down next to me.
“…… Uncle.”
“Uh, uh-huh.”
Maybe it was because it was almost never me to start a conversation first, but he responded like that.
“Why are you helping us like this?”
“……”
Did it come off as rude?
Still, I was curious.
Even after seeing people who died helping us, he was still helping us. Even though his life had turned into one of constant watching like this.
I wondered what the reason was for him to follow us this far.
The uncle seemed to ponder for a moment before pulling out his wallet from his back pocket.
And unfolded it.
Inside that wallet, there was a picture of us, a fake one. Originally, it was a photo of the three of us sitting awkwardly together where our ID should be.
But when he pulled out that photo, there was a slightly worn-out photo underneath.
It was a picture of the three of us, similar to the one we took together, except this time, it was the uncle with two women together in the photo.
One looked older than Kagami, probably a woman in her late 30s.
The woman in the middle… looked like a high school or college student? Probably around that age.
Of course, if the photo had been taken out repeatedly, it would have frayed, so determining when it was taken was a bit difficult, but it was clear that those two people in the photo were the uncle’s real family.
“It’s a tough story to explain to a child.”
The uncle slowly started to speak.
“My wife and daughter… are under the protection of your friend’s father, the elder brother.”
“……”
“Similar to Miho. Well, I’m still alive, but…”
So, technically, he was also in a position close to hiding.
The two of us exchanged sparse conversations. We played a father-daughter role in front of friends, but now that we were actually talking together, it felt awkward. Maybe, even without the awareness of playing a role, we could’ve managed a stony father-daughter conversation.
I asked a few questions out of curiosity, and the uncle answered.
The uncle said the man who was sacrificed was a person who owed a great debt to Yamashita.
It seems there’s a story between the yakuza that the law and police couldn’t resolve. I didn’t hear the details, but maybe the reason he could sacrifice himself at that moment was some kind of repayment.
I didn’t really understand what kind of debt would require risking one’s life, but the uncle didn’t seem inclined to explain, so I asked something else.
“… Do you know where that person is?”
The uncle instantly understood what I was asking.
“Not far from here.”
“I want to go next time.”
“… Okay.”
The uncle awkwardly raised his hand and patted my shoulder twice.
*
When I returned to the room, I found Kagami sitting blankly.
It seemed her crying had ceased, but she still wore a vacant expression.
I sat down next to Kagami.
She looked down at me with a dazed face and then stretched out her arms to pull me into a hug.
I also leaned into Kagami’s embrace.
There was no need for some kind of conversation.
Comfort…
Thinking about it again, both of us, me and Kagami, just needed to comfort each other. There might not have been a need to split who comforted whom.
For me, and for Kagami, we were simply beings that comforted each other.
The reason the uncle could endure despite being so far away from his family was, in the end, because he had someone who could support his life.
No matter where or how we moved, whether we lived a normal life or not, I had Kagami.
And Kagami had me.
“Mom.”
I murmured that while nestled in Kagami’s embrace.
So, it’s okay.
I’m fine even if I’m not ordinary. I don’t know what will happen or how things will unfold in the future, but I felt okay.
As long as I could have my family next to me, as long as I wouldn’t lose them.
“……”
While listening to my words, Kagami slowly stroked my head.
“Koto Ne.”
Her voice was a bit choked.
“Koto Ne.”
But when she said my name a second time, it returned to her usual energetic voice.
Kagami hugged me tightly.
For a while, we stayed like that, leaning on each other.
“……”
Kagami seemed to fall into thought for a moment and then asked softly,
“Shall we have dinner?”
Looking up, I saw that there were still traces of tears on Kagami’s face. She hadn’t fully shaken off the sadness and despair.
Yet, I could see my reflection in Kagami’s eyes.
That was a certain will.
A will to continue living no matter the circumstances.
That will had been there since the uncle rushed out with me in his arms, back when he was just a middle school student.
Soon, I would be about the same age as the Kagami from back then.
Could I live as strongly as Kagami does?
…
At the very least, I have to live in a way that won’t let those efforts turn to bubbles.
As long as we don’t think it’s the end, life will continue.
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