Memories can give us strength to move forward, but they sure can tug on our ankles hard at the same time.
Over the past few years, the three of us have made so many memories together. In the photos Kagami took, Harumi and Yuuki often popped up, as you would expect. Obviously, in this day and age, those photos mean film photos, which basically means money flies out every time we snap!
If we didn’t have a developing shop at home, we’d have to include those developing costs too. It’s not an amount we can’t handle, but honestly, just taking hundreds of pictures in a single day with a smartphone would feel pretty burdensome.
So when Kagami picked up the camera, it was that moment that I thought, “I can’t miss this!” I wanted to capture those moments, even if it meant spending money on each shot.
And those photos held such vivid memories within them.
After coming here, there was a time I pestered Kagami to show me the photos.
I wanted to spread them out and look at them together instead of just by myself.
I was a bit worried that Kagami might refuse, but surprisingly, she nodded without hesitation.
We didn’t have any frames, and not all the film we brought was developed, so the only photos we could see were the ones we’d taken recently—but within those, Harumi and Yuuki looked as clear as ever. After all, we had just seen each other recently.
Memories are curious; they linger in our minds in such peculiar ways. Just a few months can make them fade a bit, but then something can trigger them to pop back up brightly. Especially when looking at photos, I find it to be true.
The images that were starting to blur in my memories resurfaced clearly.
After meeting those two kids, my Christmas was no longer lonely. I could hang out during summer vacation and even travel far away.
The festival wasn’t a one-time thing either! Well, I didn’t really feel the need to wear a yukata after that, but Harumi made sure to wear hers without fail.
“Koto Ne.”
But looking at those photos wasn’t all joy. At first, joy bubbled up in my heart, but as I followed those memories slowly, my heart began to sink.
Kagami gently brushed my back.
She didn’t use words to comfort me.
In this world, I’ve spent my entire life with Kagami. If there’s anyone who knows me best, it’s definitely her. She probably knows more facts about me than I know about myself.
And for someone like Kagami, this wasn’t a moment for comfort.
“Koto Ne.”
After a while of gently caressing my hair, Kagami spoke.
“Shall we go out together?”
“Huh?”
“It feels like it’s been ages since it was just the two of us.”
“…Ah.”
That was true. It was not like it had never happened, but it was definitely not frequent.
Ever since I started playing the ‘dad’ role, we had naturally been wandering around together as three. The uncle kept a respectful distance, so he didn’t come over too much, but it did seem a little weird to go out alone without one ‘dad’ there.
So I never had gone around this neighborhood just with Kagami alone. It always involved either my ‘dad’ role playing uncle or wandering around with friends.
The only time I spent alone with Kagami was in the house in this room, or during the short time we were in the car on our way to school.
At least, we were thinking this town was safe. Above all, it seemed like Yamashita was around with some other people. Not that Yamashita would just drop the two of us onto a totally uncontrollable village.
So, it should be fine to casually stroll around the neighborhood.
“Is that so? Well, I think it’ll be alright. We’re going to the festival, right?”
Kagami slightly nodded, looking a bit apologetic.
“Besides, what father would stop his daughter and her mother from going out for a little while?”
“Is that so?”
Kagami has a bit of a naive side, even now that she’s grown up.
It seems like she grew up seeing the not-so-nice parts of the world, and she seems to understand that darkness to some extent—but ironically, it’s because of that that she doesn’t quite grasp how family relationships work.
In Kagami’s head, family was only supposed to be cozy and harmonious. It couldn’t be any different. Media often paints families in that light, doesn’t it?
Of course, there are social exposés, or the family Kagami had personally experienced… I’m sure there are complicated family matters, but in Kagami’s mind, those must be exceptions.
In a ‘harmonious family,’ both parents probably would hate being apart from each other.
But which family really is picture-perfect all the time?
…People sometimes just need a little break to themselves. I’m living life as a woman now, but there were days when I was a man that I felt that way too. There are days I just don’t want to call my parents or younger sister.
After having lost everything, I regretted even the thought of that, but even if I found it all again, I’d probably still feel that way.
At least not right now.
“Yeah, there are definitely fathers like that.”
My uncle must be feeling something similar, as he didn’t seem keen to explain his thoughts.
Kagami tilted her head, but soon, she was looking down at me, holding my hand.
“Shall we go?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded my head.
When both my parents were alive, I sometimes thought about what it would be like to go back to my childhood.
Once I hit adulthood and got sucked into the working world, I’d entertain thoughts like ‘Which company’s stocks should I buy?’ or ‘Let’s invest in some coins,’ but still, the day I most wished to return to was just when I was completely little.
Back in the days when I played without a care on the streets with the kids; that was when I was the happiest.
And there were times I followed my mom around while she was shopping.
Even back then, just like now, I wasn’t one to throw tantrums to get my mom to buy me stuff. But my mom certainly didn’t go all the way to the store with no intention to buy her child anything.
Whenever she saw snacks, her instinct kicked in, and she’d want to buy soft drinks and such. So she’d end up handing me at least one to hold.
Yet, I’d have preferred wandering around holding hands with Kagami instead.
Now that I’ve grown up, I’ve gotten a bit shy about holding hands.
But now, I think we could even manage to hold hands after becoming adults, right? I mean, I’ve seen daughters going around linking arms with their moms here and there.
It’d be okay to warm up just a little more than we are now.
As we walked down the street, adults out shopping greeted us. A pretty newlywed and her daughter who resembled her. I’d hesitate to say it, but we looked like a picture drawn out of a fairytale.
On the flip side, the adults sitting idly, fanning themselves looked like they belonged in a painting too, in a variety of ways.
“Phew, it’s hot, isn’t it?”
Kagami said lazily.
“Shall we step into somewhere cooler?”
“Yeah.”
Following Kagami’s suggestion, we went into a neighborhood supermarket. A pretty big one.
We hadn’t come to buy anything in particular, so we leisurely strolled around the cool building.
“Koto Ne—”
Kagami was looking at snacks, wanting to buy me one or something, when suddenly, her eyes froze on something.
“……”
“Mom?”
I tilted my head, turning my gaze in the direction she was looking.
There was a melon there.
If someone asked me if I’d never eaten one in my life, I’d say no to that. It’s not like they are so expensive that I couldn’t afford them. I just preferred watermelon over them any day.
“Koto Ne, do you want to eat some melon?”
The way Kagami said it, it really seemed like she wanted to eat melon herself.
I burst out laughing at that.
“Koto Ne?”
Well, I was trying not to laugh loudly in a public place, so I did my best to suppress it, but I couldn’t help shaking my shoulders.
Frankly, I’m not even sure why I laughed so hard.
But, yes. It was probably relief from seeing Kagami.
I ended up mimicking how she looked, when she’d been screaming back then, and that image stayed in my head for months.
I hoped she wouldn’t think I had laughed because of her during that time.
But now that I think about it, wishing out loud that she wants to eat melon like that might have been some unnecessary worry.
“Yeah, I do want to eat some.”
As I nodded, Kagami tilted her head.
That too looked so normal that I felt a bit of relief.
“Can I buy some drinks?”
“Of course.”
And I also wanted to show Kagami that things were normal again. That I wasn’t too wounded or weighed down by burdens, at least.
That just being together made us happy.
…Yeah.
Memories can uplift us, giving us strength to move forward, and they can also hold us back like an anchor.
Yet ultimately, people can’t live without memories.
That force that holds us back can also prevent us from falling flat on our faces, making us unable to get back up again.
…Someday.
Someday, after all this ends, I want to return to Tokyo and meet those kids again.
At that time, truly, with no worries at all.
Just as Kurosawa Kotone, I’ll play with them freely.
Even if I’m an adult by then, I thought.
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