My oldest memory in this world is of a girl running while holding me tightly in her embrace.
Her face still bore the innocence of childhood, so very young—
“It’s okay.”
The girl, still too young to carry the weight of someone else’s life, said that to me.
“It’s okay.”
As if she were also saying it to herself.
Gasping for breath, her face so pale it seemed about to turn blue, as if one more step would send her collapsing.
Regardless of whether her hair was sticking to her face with sweat, the girl kept running.
Was someone chasing us from behind? Why were we running?
At that time, I—just a tiny child—didn’t know.
Why am I here?
Am I dreaming?
Thinking that, I reached my little hand forward.
A tiny hand. As if it had never touched anything before, her delicate skin seemed like it would suffer great wounds if it were to brush against something.
As I wiggled my short fingers and reached out, an unsteady smile spread across the girl’s face as she looked down at me.
Trembling in fear, she couldn’t hide her smile while looking at me.
The girl who was running suddenly stopped.
She brought her trembling hand to mine. Instinctively, I tightly gripped her finger.
Her tiny hand wasn’t even strong enough to fully envelop an adult’s finger.
Too weak to hold onto anything strongly.
Yet, it was as if that hand was anchoring her in this world; the girl smiled. That cracked smile slowly transformed into an innocent grin fitting for her age.
For that one moment, it seemed like nothing in the world was scary, a look that felt oddly familiar from somewhere.
I opened my mouth to say something to the girl, but the sounds emerging from my inexperienced throat and mouth were far too awkward to be called words.
I couldn’t convey even a single word, yet the girl held me tightly as if my babbling were the greatest cheering in the world.
The place where the girl held me was deep in the forest.
In a dark night where even the moon didn’t rise, the girl was running away from something. As if a tiger were chasing us from behind.
Honestly, it might have been easier to just give up.
If I was going to run away, with a body like mine, I was just a burden.
But the girl never let go of me.
“It’s okay.”
Holding me tightly, she whispered in my ear.
My body pressed tightly against hers, as if it were curling up.
“It’s okay.”
Repeated words over and over again.
Buried in the girl’s body, I couldn’t see anything.
Yet, I wasn’t really scared.
“Because I…”
The girl whispered in my ear.
“Mom will protect you.”
A hand gently ruffling my hair.
At that moment, I thought in my sleepy mind.
Oh, I see now.
Perhaps, I had died.
And it seems this is what I look like in my next life.
“I will protect you, Mom.”
Suppressing her breathless voice, the girl whispered into my ear.
Her voice was so small it seemed like it would break, yet it didn’t actually break.
In the core of that voice, I felt a firm resolve that could never be severed.
It was a kind of voice I had heard before. In my previous life, a woman’s voice as she held her child tightly before they were about to be consumed by flames.
I never knew whether that child lived or died, but even as the ambulance doors were closing, she never took her eyes off her child.
Mom.
Could this girl be the same kind of person?
This young girl, Mom.
My mom.
“Koto Ne.”
The girl whispered in my ear.
“Koto Ne, my daughter…”
Was it because the night was deep?
Or perhaps I had been curled up in the girl’s arms for too long, fatigue building up?
Or maybe it was just the warmth and safety of her embrace.
That was the end of my memory from that day.
*
Like most memories from childhood, the memories of my mom—Kurosawa Kagami—become more sparse as I delve into the past.
The Kurosawa Kagami I remember from my first memory still had a youthful face.
She had grown a bit since that first memory, but given that she still had some features of her teenage years, it must have been a few years later.
At that time, Kagami was always working.
Was it fortunate or unfortunate, but the landlady of the small building we rented our one-room apartment from seemed to regard Kagami as a poor girl.
If she had a child my age, she could have looked at her with unkind eyes.
Moreover, it wasn’t even the 2020s that I remember from my past life; it was the end of the 20th century.
It was around the time I realized I was a Japanese person living in Japan.
In the 1990s, stories of the ‘Bubble Burst’ frequently played on the TV and radio that the landlady had on.
For me, encountering Japan mostly through manga and light novels, the term ‘bubble’ was something I’d briefly seen in an economics textbook.
It seems that period was a time when “everyone was struggling.” Was it similar to the financial crises I experienced in my childhood?
Even during such times when the overall economy was hit in various ways, perhaps due to having held onto some money before the bubble burst or simply because there was still some recognition left back then, the landlady kindly took care of me while my mom was working.
I had some inkling about why I couldn’t go to kindergarten. Of course, I and the landlady had enough decorum not to ask.
My memory, as a child, is hazy, but strangely my way of thinking remained the same as in my past life, leading me to be treated as a ‘mature child’ among adults.
When I spoke, I understood everything right away, and I never did what adults told me not to.
Sometimes, I worried them by standing quietly among the children, but that was it.
I didn’t dislike the kids, but in reality, the conversations of children my ‘age’ were often difficult for me to comprehend. The way they thought was different from adults. Their usual topics were often disjointed, making it hard to piece together what they meant.
Even if I didn’t attend kindergarten, the kids would let me join in their games at the narrow playground in the corners of the alley. I often felt more embarrassed about that inclusion.
But perhaps it was due to that ‘maturity.’
If someone is perceived as “a child who can take care of themselves” once, the adult’s vigilance in looking after that child often loosens a bit.
Well, it was Japan after all. Even if stories about how the economy was struggling emerged, it was definitely a country with top-tier safety.
Even if a nearby acquaintance is distracted by talking to another adult for a moment, they might think nothing would happen.
That day was no different.
The landlady finished her housework and took me to the playground after lunch, just like always. Kids were joyfully playing near the elephant-shaped slide.
Feeling a bit embarrassed to be the first to approach, I stood a little far from the group like always.
As I stared aimlessly around, I noticed the landlady engrossed in a conversation with another lady.
In the quiet residential area, there was no sound except for the children’s laughter.
Occasionally, the sound of birds could be heard—
While letting such sounds drift in and out, as I looked around, I locked eyes with someone.
They seemed like an adult.
A beautiful woman wearing a white dress, with black hair cascading down to her waist, fair-skinned.
That overall impression was…
“Mom?”
I tilted my head.
She resembled Kagami, my mom.
Had she come home early?
Waving her hand at me with a smile brought me a sense of inexplicable joy.
Even now, because of my past life’s memories, I couldn’t fully accept this life. I didn’t know how long this ‘memory of my past life’ would last. I could only believe in that story I had once heard, that upon being born, one remembers their past life, but gradually forgets as they age.
However, even with that, she is my one and only family in this world.
Furthermore, I had lost my entire family in my previous life—if Kagami isn’t there, I won’t have anyone to rely on.
Most importantly, could I ever dislike someone who cares for me so sincerely?
I moved towards the waving ‘Mom.’
Whenever we returned home, Kagami would always open her arms wide for me, so I lifted both hands up high, too.
Suddenly a thought struck me.
Did Kagami wear such clothes when she went out?
No, had she even worn something like that in front of me?
Kagami, always doing her best to save even a penny, wore only the bare minimum. She spent her money on my growing clothes and shoes.
Still young, she might think it’s alright to treat herself to something occasionally—
As I slowly approached, something felt off.
She didn’t seem as young as I felt.
The smile she wore towards me seemed slightly different.
That stiff smile felt somewhat fabricated, unlike the genuine bright smile Kagami always wore.
When I realized that and halted my steps, suddenly—
“Koto Ne!”
From behind, the landlady rushed toward me, startled and shouting.
My body jolted. She hugged me tightly and said,
“No, Koto Ne. You can’t go too far. What if you get lost and your mom gets upset?”
Holding me tightly as if she was glad, the landlady said,
“Look, mom is there—”
“Uh-oh?”
The landlady turned her gaze in the direction of my hand.
However, the woman in the white dress had vanished.
Where could she have disappeared to in that time?
“Who? Who are you talking about? Koto Ne-chan’s mom is still at work.”
“……”
Only after hearing that did chills run down my back.
Did I almost follow someone I didn’t even know, calling them mom?
But that appearance…
*
“Koto—Ne, Koto—Ne!”
When we returned home, Kagami placed her hands on mine and lifted my arms while singing my name like a song.
After letting go, she hugged me tightly and lifted me up.
Thanking the landlady, she brought me back to our one-room apartment.
Inside the room, there were things for children everywhere. It wasn’t much, mostly worn out, but they were enough toys for me to play with, and there were posters with Japanese words hanging on the walls in order.
As I looked at Kagami, who was placing me down in the room, she was indeed wearing the usual worn-out jeans and hoodie. Not in that white dress.
Her long hair was tied back, not left down, for practicality.
She was still beautiful and still young, but somehow it felt very ‘mom-like.’
“Did you have fun playing with your friends today?”
Her tone of voice was as if she were talking to a small child, and it was a bit hard to adjust.
After all, I… well, I was still a child.
“Yeah.”
I replied.
“What fun things did you do?”
Under normal circumstances, it might have been better not to say anything.
After all, she always worked hard and lived in worry.
Asking an additional worry on top of that might burden her too much.
Yet, reflecting on the sensations I’d felt earlier that day—
……it was dangerous.
That’s what I thought.
My oldest memory is of me being in Kagami’s arms, running away without knowing the reason.
It was probably that memory that made me say something.
“I saw mom.”
“Uh?”
Kagami’s face stiffened at my words.
“Mom?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“At the playground.”
“Mom?”
Again, Kagami confirmed, pointing to her own face.
Indeed, she looked younger if one looked closely.
But at the same time, that face also looked very much like hers.
“Yeah.”
“……How?”
“In a white dress, waving at me……”
Kagami’s face turned rigid.
I saw her breath hitch.
“Mom?”
“……How.”
Her voice grew serious.
Before I could say anything, Kagami had already begun moving.
She pulled out a large bag from the corner of the room and roughly took clothes from the closet, stuffing them in. Anything needed to take care of me.
“Mom?”
“It’s okay.”
Kagami said in a trembling voice.
“It’s okay, Koto Ne. Mom will protect you.”
“……Mom?”
As I blinked at her words, Kagami froze mid-motion.
Then, with a slightly awkward, creaky smile, she looked at me.
Gently placing her hand on my shoulder, Kagami strained to remain calm.
“Shall we, um, go on a trip? Just a little, just a little way from here.”
“……”
“Don’t worry. I will take care of where to sleep and eat.”
“……Okay.”
I had no choice but to respond like that.
Kagami hurriedly moved again. She crammed useful things we would need into the bag, took out a white envelope, and put money inside it.
Then she took a piece of paper and wrote, [I’m sorry. Due to sudden circumstances, we can no longer stay here. I’ve left the rent for this month. I couldn’t prepare a reward. Please use it as the deposit. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.]
She placed it visibly on the table, slung the bag on her back.
Then she held me tightly.
“Koto Ne.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s okay.”
Mom said once again, like it was a word to herself.
“Really. Mom will definitely protect you.”
In a trembling but concurrently unwavering voice.
Thus, we left that place.
I never saw the landlady again after that.
Neither did I see the kids I had played with.
We never returned to that place again.
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