Ah, this is a dream.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that.
This dream was one I had quite often just after regaining memories of my previous life.
Could it be that coming to Korea and the fact that I’m going there tomorrow made me have this dream again after so long?
By the way, they say that when you become aware you’re dreaming, you can move freely, but I’ve never actually been able to move while dreaming.
The only thing I can move is my eyes, I guess?
Anyway, the me in this dream… that is, ‘me from my previous life,’ was just staring up at the sky without any movement.
In the cold winter sky, there were only people around me looking down at me.
Well, when I think about it, it wasn’t that I couldn’t move now; I was in a state where I couldn’t move at that moment.
Thinking about it that way, I was relieved. I felt like causing a scene because I was really in so much pain.
“When the heck are they coming…!”
“Please hold on just a little longer!”
Those words were coming from an uncle and an aunt sitting to my right, both of whom I didn’t even know.
Since I was going to die anyway, they really didn’t have to cry like that.
I wanted to say that, but just like before, my mouth wouldn’t open at all.
“Ha… Huh…”
All I could do was let out rough breaths.
When I glanced down, my entire body was a complete mess, with military uniforms and the snowy ground stained with blood.
This is truly disgusting. Why did I look…
Every time I regretted it but still looked just in case this time was different?
Well, I had gotten somewhat used to it by now.
“Ah, is the child… safe?”
“Thanks to you, he’s safe! So you just need to wake up!”
The uncle shouted that while crying, but I already knew that me from my previous life would ultimately not wake up.
I had already realized that it was over for me back then.
…Anyway, seeing my previous self say those words, it seemed like the dream was about to end soon.
“Mom… Ha Yeon… I’m sorry…”
With those words, my previous self closed his eyes, and simultaneously, my vision darkened.
“Don’t close your eyes! Just hold on a little longer! Just a bit…!”
Then the uncle’s voice began to fade, and soon I couldn’t hear any voices at all.
And just like that, the dream ended.
★
…Let me talk a moment about my previous life.
Our house in my previous life was… poor.
My mother was a single mother who gave birth to me right after graduating high school, and we had no relatives at all.
The only thing we had was a small house left by my late grandfather.
In South Korean society, having your own home is seen as a measure of success, but at least from my perspective, our house couldn’t be called a success.
The small house left by my grandfather, who until the end had never abandoned my mother. She had affection for it, but she didn’t have the ability to maintain it.
Yeah. Literally, all my mother had was that house.
A newly graduated single mother.
It was no surprise she was barely scraping by even just to make ends meet.
But if you ask whether our family was unhappy, the answer is absolutely not.
My mother always loved me, and I always loved her back.
And the neighbors living next door were friendly with us and often helped my mom, saying she had it tough.
That neighbor was my childhood friend. That guy… Yuh Ha Yeon’s parents.
And since our parents got along so well, it was natural for Ha Yeon and me to become close too.
We spent our childhood together and continued to hang out even after entering elementary school.
But then something happened.
In the fifth grade of elementary school, when I was late for a promise with friends.
“Isn’t she being too cocky?”
“I kind of want to stop meeting her.”
“Does she still think she’s in the lower grades?”
“Don’t invite her to promises anymore.”
The true feelings of what I thought were my friends after being a little late to a promise.
“Living in poverty without a dad, what does she believe she is?”
“My mom told me specifically not to get close to her.”
“Why is Yuh Ha Yeon being friendly with someone like her?”
“Probably out of pity.”
Those words infused with malice pierced my young heart like a dagger, and that final sentence made me distance myself from Ha Yeon.
Of course, I know now how foolish I was back then.
I knew Ha Yeon wasn’t like that, yet I let myself be swayed by those guys’ words.
I was so foolish that it feels like not even that word is enough to describe it.
Anyway, back then, I didn’t show any signs of that in front of Ha Yeon’s parents, but I reduced the times we hung out or played together.
I even deliberately ignored her when she came to my house, saying things I shouldn’t have.
…But Yuh Ha Yeon didn’t give up on me.
“Sigh! Seriously! What are you going to do without me?!”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re not… No, never mind. Just go in.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow!”
She always approached me first, cared for me, and smiled whenever she saw me.
Unlike my changed personality, Ha Yeon had a bright nature and many friends around her.
“Sigh! Do you even know how much I care for you?! I hope you brighten up a bit more!”
“Not really thankful, so don’t worry about me. You’re the only one doing this. Plus, you were born later than me anyway. What older sister?”
“…My mental age is probably much higher than yours! And how could I abandon you? Well, you’ll understand one day when you’re out of your rebellious phase how hard I’ve tried.”
Yeah. Now I know how much you tried for me.
To be honest, I was envious of you. And being your best childhood friend was something I was proud of.
So I… always wanted to be like you.
Someone bright and warm like the sun, leading those around them.
I kept my distance, didn’t trust people, and even hurt you on purpose.
Yet, I admired you, dreaming despite knowing I could never be like you… I wanted to be you.
But I didn’t have time to just live with such dreams.
Our family was poor, and as soon as I became a high school student, I had to start working part-time to earn money.
To lighten my mother’s burden even a little, I worked at a fast food restaurant after school, and after graduating high school, I worked in factories and pubs until I had to go to the military….
And then, I died. Just like that.
Without leaving a single word for my mother, nor saying thank you to Ha Yeon for everything until now.
Still, I have no regrets about that choice.
“Don’t hate others too much. There will surely be other people like Ha Yeon who will be there for you until the end… who will believe in you and stay by your side.”
“If you’re really grateful to me… umm… later, you should help others. Just like this older sister helped you!”
If it’s the two of us, they would surely understand my choice.
★
“Sigh…”
A sigh escaped naturally due to the tension.
Maybe it was because it was on a workday; the subway was packed with people.
Fortunately, I was lucky enough to find a seat.
Having started right after breakfast at my lodging, the time now was 8 AM.
The total travel time is 1 hour and 20 minutes. And from there to the airport, it’s an additional 1 hour and 40 minutes.
Adding it all up, it takes a total of 3 hours, but considering the gathering time at the airport is 3:30 PM, it’s not a problem at all.
Looking out the window, the scenery was changing in an instant.
It was a landscape completely different from what I had seen in my previous life. Still, I felt a strange familiarity.
As I passed over the Han River, a memory of something my mother said suddenly came to mind.
“Next time, let’s all go to the Han River together – me, Ha Yeon, the aunt, and the uncle… maybe cook some ramen? Ride bicycles… drink some too…”
It was a small yet difficult wish for us.
Thankfully, I was able to fulfill that wish before I enlisted.
What was I feeling back then…
I can’t recall exactly, but it must have been joyful. Enough to promise to come back again.
…Well, I couldn’t keep that promise, though.
“Sigh… Hah…”
I should have just taken the bus.
I got this strange idea to reminisce about long-lost memories, and here I am suffering than ever.
It’s been over 17 years; there’s no way the streets I knew would still exist.
It’s too late to take the bus now…
Swallowing my complaints while looking around, I finally started to see recognizable traces after walking for over 30 minutes.
And a small convenience store in front of what was presumably almost there.
The moment I saw that, all my accumulated fatigue seemed to vanish.
I made one last effort to run around the corner beside the convenience store.
[Seoha Orphanage]
In front of that place, I saw a lady I’d never seen before cleaning up the yard, neither my previous home nor Ha Yeon’s home.
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