Blood flows and strength seeps from the body.
The heart, now unable to function, slowly comes to a halt.
Consciousness dims like a flickering candle.
Pain and noise gradually fade away.
This is a sensation I’ve already experienced several times.
A momentary death where nothing is felt, a brief glimpse of nothingness.
Experiencing death is terrifying no matter how many times I go through it.
That brief moment, when nothing is felt, is far too comforting.
It makes me want to just let everything go and stay in this state.
But I desperately push away those thoughts that creep into my mind.
I promised myself to live strong,
To be happy while I’m alive,
So I wouldn’t give in to such feelings.
*
Slowly, consciousness returns.
Noise creeps back into the once quiet world.
It’s so loud.
I mumble in my head to stay quiet and smack my head hard.
With pain, the noise diminishes just a bit.
Yet, the noise still lingers.
It’s loud, loud. Lou…
Wait, is it me that’s loud?
No, it’s quiet.
It was quiet.
As I open my eyes and look around, I see silence everywhere.
The children staring at me with their mouths tightly shut make no sound.
Could it be that everyone is shocked seeing me get stabbed to death?
They must have seen me die so many times before yet still aren’t used to it.
While I was thinking this, I could see Martina, today’s instructor, trembling with a shocked expression as she mumbled to herself.
“No… I just wanted them to fight each other… that was the plan…”
As I continued to watch Martina mumble, our eyes met.
She flinched, shuddered, and approached me, her voice trembling as she spoke.
“Are you… are you okay? No, of course, you can’t be okay. Damn…”
Martina’s face was not good at all.
She seemed to feel some unnecessary responsibility for the incident due to what I went through during training.
Without knowing exactly what happened inside, it’s understandable she might think the accident was her fault.
After all, I was aware she was watching from outside.
Not wanting to let others know, I spoke in a low voice, just enough for Si-woo to hear.
Since I had done it so closely that even the piercing of my heart wouldn’t have been obvious to others, it likely looked like I just recklessly attacked until I got stabbed.
But seeing her react like that when I initiated the situation made me feel a bit guilty.
To ease her sense of responsibility, I spoke up.
“You… you don’t have to worry about it. I’m used to dying in training.”
“…Don’t lie. You can’t possibly get used to that… No matter how intense Ms. Eve’s classes are, they wouldn’t make first-year kids do that much.”
“Well… typical classes aren’t like that, but during special class last time….”
“Hey, even if you say you did that a lot in a day, it’s probably only 2 or 3 times tops. How can you say you got used to it? I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten used to it even after facing those hellish lessons when I mentioned early graduation…”
“…Actually, it was more than 5 times…”
Then Martina looked at me with a dubious expression.
“How many times did you die in that special class…?”
I pondered for a moment and stretched out my fingers wide before her.
“…Really? 10 times? I don’t believe you…”
I slowly shook my head to her words.
Seeing that, Martina bit her lip as if holding back and then soothed my head with a distant expression, murmuring.
“…Are you feeling guilty for trying to lie suddenly? Okay. You don’t seem to be worried about me, but there’s no need for that. I messed up…”
“Uh? No, that’s not it… I meant it was 10 times more, that day I probably died over 50 times….”
Martina looked completely flabbergasted.
“…Are you speaking nonsense? 50 times, really? Enough, just go inside.”
“…But that’s true….”
“…No, why are you being so stubborn? Other kids probably know how many times you died. Hey, how many times did they say he died?”
The kids who were looking stiffly at me murmured.
“…Not 50 times.”
“Right? If they’re saying it’s not 50, then stop and go-”
“…I tried 78 times in training, and finally passed, so 77 times.”
“…Huh?”
Martina made a strange expression.
“…Huh? 77 times? Seriously…?”
Mei nodded.
As Martina glanced around, she saw the other kids nodding their heads too.
She looked shocked, as if she had just learned something unbelievable.
“How could that happen… No, more importantly, what kind of crazy person would do that to a kid?”
“Um… it was Instructor Natalia Eloise.”
“Damn, that crazy Natalia. I knew she was mean, but not to that extent…”
Martina trembled and carefully stared at me, a little worried.
“…Are you really in your right mind?”
Martina asked, looking at me as if she was questioning my sanity.
I almost nodded instinctively, then paused.
Wait a second, am I really sane?
Being in my right mind means having one’s true mental capacity.
But right now, I’m in the body of Scarlet Evande, with a different consciousness.
Can that even be called being in my right mind?
Thinking about it, that’s a rather philosophical question.
It reminded me of the question I once saw on some website asking, “Are you human?”
When I read that, I thought, “Am I really human?” It was a difficult question.
While I was pondering whether I was sane or not, Martina’s faint voice reached me.
“I thought you were fearless, but it turned out to be a problem. What on earth did I do to this poor child…”
When I looked up, I noticed Martina staring at me with pity in her eyes.
Wait, am I being treated as not in my right mind because I didn’t answer?
Feeling sudden urgency, I quickly said to her.
“Um, I’m perfectly sane. Really completely fine.”
“Ah… I see… That makes sense…”
Her response was filled with pity.
This person didn’t even hear my words.
Martina had probably already branded me as the poor kid who isn’t in my right mind.
What on earth should I say to prove I’m sane to someone who thinks like that?
As I was thinking hard, Martina seemed a bit angry, mumbling to herself.
“By the way, Si-woo should have the skills to never cause such an unfortunate incident… Could it be that he was lost in thought about something strange… If that’s the case, what should I say…”
Martina murmured as she walked toward Si-woo, who had just emerged from the spell.
I panicked, wanting to avoid any repercussions for Si-woo because of me. I quickly raced over, grabbed her hand, and said.
“P-Please don’t say anything to Si-woo. I’m the one at fault…”
“…No, what fault could you possibly have? Even if you say it’s your fault, we’re the ones responsible for not stopping it when we had the power to do so. Furthermore, any missteps of our subordinates are also my responsibility… I’m really sorry. It’s… all my fault.”
Her apology made me freeze.
Wait, I’m the one at fault here, but she just bowed her head and apologized!
What the heck should I say?!
While I was momentarily stunned, Martina straightened up and headed back to Si-woo.
No, Si-woo, I’m sorry! It’s because of me!
“…Si-woo, what happened? Were you spaced out or something?”
Martina approached Si-woo, who stood quietly with his head down, and spoke in a stern tone.
Si-woo, still keeping his head lowered, mumbled softly.
“…I’m sorry…”
“…Is that all you’re going to say? I clearly told you to control your strength, and even if that student charged recklessly, you could have subdued them without killing them. Although you’re the same age as that student, you are a hero. Hurting someone who’s not a hero because of your carelessness is a clear mistake.”
“Truly… I am really sorry…”
Being scolded like that by a direct superior, especially someone at the top of the hierarchy…
Ugh, even watching this made me break into a cold sweat.
Si-woo seemed to feel the pressure too, as he couldn’t even lift his head.
Martina didn’t seem to be pleased with that and chastised him immediately.
“Si-woo, lift your head. Are you going to stay like that?”
At her words, Si-woo gradually lifted his head.
And the moment he saw his face, Martina’s jaw dropped.
Si-woo looked completely drained, as if his soul had been sucked out.
Seeing his condition, Martina, momentarily quiet, finally sighed deeply and murmured.
“…I guess the shock hit you hardest. I’m the garbage who made you do something like that… Alright, I’ll continue teaching the class, so you rest over there with that student…”
“…I’m sorry…”
After Martina’s words, Si-woo struggled to apologize, then trudged to the corner of the gym.
Wait, did she just say we should rest together?
Mulling over that, I looked at Martina, who was looking at me with an expression full of guilt, urging me to hurry to the corner of the gym.
…This seems like if I say I want to keep attending the lesson, I won’t get permission at all…
I quietly walked to the corner of the gym and sat down next to Si-woo, who had buried his head between his knees.
Forced rest with no training…
Never in my life have I skipped out on training, not even in the army…
Feeling a sense of emptiness, I stared absentmindedly at the kids training while looking at Si-woo beside me.
He looked like he was really struggling.
…Honestly, I realized I had made an unreasonable demand.
If I were to stab a friend to death, I’d be more shocked than him.
I decided I should apologize, so I lightly tapped Si-woo’s shoulder, who was burying his head between his knees.
He slowly lifted his head.
Up close, his eyes looked completely vacant.
It seems I really went too far this time.
I was about to apologize and say I was sorry when the words Si-woo had once told me came back to mind.
“Hey, Si-woo… are we still friends?”
At my question, Si-woo slowly nodded his head.
Thank goodness.
I had thought he might want to stop being friends with me because of today’s incident…
So I smiled in relief and said to Si-woo.
“Um, about today… thank you. I wanted to say that.”
Si-woo once told me that you don’t apologize to your friends.
So I sincerely expressed my gratitude for his willingness to help me with such a troublesome request.
Suddenly, Si-woo’s face twisted as if he was about to cry.
…Looks like Si-woo isn’t too thrilled about being friends with me.
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