“It shouldn’t be like this; maybe I’m getting weird. I didn’t realize it would be this much. I should be sad, but it doesn’t hurt here.”
I knelt by Plona’s bedside, clutching my chest and muttering as if I were confessing my sins.
I could feel the heartbeat pulsating through her soft flesh.
But when I truly felt sadness, when I genuinely hated someone, and when my emotions swung wildly, the constricting pain I had experienced was nowhere to be seen.
My heart beats calmly as if nothing has happened.
My cold, rational mind found the reason for this with ease.
“Because Plona is… human.”
Right now, I couldn’t feel anything because my counterpart was human.
Just because Plona is human, I understand her devotion, yet my heart cannot empathize with her pain.
“I didn’t want this.”
I don’t hesitate to kill humans. But that’s based on the presumption of guilt stemming from my experiences where most humans are my enemies.
I have no need to prove the innocence of each individual human at the risk of my life, so I kill them without hesitation, but strictly speaking, whether the other person is human or not isn’t the ultimate criterion in my value judgment.
“Plona is definitely on my side, though…?”
It was confusing.
My absolute standard for distinguishing others was the dichotomy of “Are they inside the fence or outside it?”
Those who crossed inside the fence are my people.
The Duchy’s vampires, including Eleonora, Martini, and Stella, who stand before me.
I owe them a debt in some form, and they have already proven themselves as my allies.
And everyone outside the fence is a potential enemy.
I must always doubt them and be ready to kill them at any moment.
I want to repay the loyalty of those within my fence while opposing those outside.
Until now, all humans have been unconditionally outside that fence.
The important fact here is that I don’t kill humans because they’re humans; it just so happens that those outside the fence were human.
“Then Plona is different.”
It’s true that I was suspicious when she first appeared, but in the end, didn’t Plona prove her dedication by sacrificing herself?
So now, before she’s human, she has entered my fence. Therefore, I must feel a sense of crisis at the sight of my precious person dying. That should have been the case.
“But why?”
I looked at blood-soaked Plona, yet I was exceedingly calm and rational. I couldn’t view her, who should undeniably be my person, as an individual.
Simply because she was human. Just that reason.
“I didn’t want this. Really.”
With Plona in front of me, I could only spout meaningless excuses.
To survive, I could discard anything.
I could cut away petty ethics and conscience, the unnecessary values I held when I was human.
Thus, I had been acting intentionally, as cruelly and without hesitation as possible.
However, in this world where I thought I would be forever alone, others began to cross into my fence. Since then, my life was no longer solely mine.
Martini told me I should want to be the King of the vampires.
So I tried not to become cowardly while pursuing life.
Eleonora, who saved my heart, said that being by my side was the greatest happiness.
So I tried to become strong enough not to let go of that child’s hand.
Now, I carry the duty to survive not just for my own desire for life, but also for those who have given me so much.
Thus, losing my person, who dedicates themselves and is dying, and remaining completely indifferent is a matter prior to discussing whether my identity is closer to human or vampire.
Whether turning Plona into a vampire to save her is possible or not isn’t what’s important. Emotions don’t just fall neatly into categories like that.
But not being able to distinguish even the inside and outside of the fence I set for myself is akin to completely denying one of the two pillars that support who I am now.
I shouldn’t let that happen. No matter the reason, I must never erase the feelings I acknowledge for my people.
Yet it seems something important has already vanished within me.
The fact that I hurriedly called out Plona’s name while rushing out, and the fact that I grabbed her hand in confusion, wasn’t because I was worried I might lose her and my heart dropped.
Rather, it was because I felt a chilling emptiness, that I wasn’t feeling anything at all. The worry was gone; instead, I was left with a dry contemplation of whether she would continue to move for me if she survived, akin to gauging the repairability of a broken tool, that awareness about myself was what made me act.
And when I heard from Stella that creating Plona as my subordinate could save her, the emotions I felt weren’t relief from the possibility of a precious person surviving or guilt from needing to turn her into a vampire.
Rather, the first thoughts that horrifically came to my mind were these.
How fortunate that I could continue to use a strong and devoted weapon. It would be a shame to just throw her away.
I felt a bit scared of myself.
I absolutely shouldn’t lose Plona like this. If that were the case, I felt like I’d cross a river of no return without even realizing it.
“Since when?”
Until now, no ‘human’ had crossed into my fence, so I hadn’t even noticed. Everyone here, except for Eleonora, was from the outside.
I recalled the memories that had sticking points one by one. I probably reached something that was likely the answer.
“……When Ludrik kidnapped Eleonora.”
Looking back, it was then that I established a clear standard for the inside and outside of the fence.
And at that moment, I defined those outside the fence not as individuals but as resources I needed to become stronger.
Was it because of that? Since there were only those who were outside except for Eleonora, did I get used to thinking of people as things?
No, that couldn’t be everything. Even if that was the trigger, the root runs much deeper.
I had just been turning my gaze away from myself; my already rotten psyche was bound to break down, no matter where it cracked.
“But I didn’t want it to be like this.”
Plona silently listened to my monologue, which was close to an excuse directed at myself.
I could tell she was still alive from the faint sound of her heartbeat, yet I suddenly wondered if she had lost consciousness again because it was so quiet.
If only she would curse at me, my heart would be at ease.
In fact, this was an utterly terrible thing to do. After she threw her life away for me, to say that I felt no sadness for her condition was to belittle her sacrifice.
In this way, I had proven to myself that I couldn’t let things go as they were.
I might already be hopeless at the point where I was unloading the burdens of my confused heart instead of trying to get by with white lies.
“Y-you.”
The hand of Plona, which I wasn’t holding, slowly rose with difficulty.
She must have heard everything properly.
If Plona were to try and slap me, I’d gladly take it. Maybe after getting hit once, something different would emerge.
However, the bloodied hand moving slowly toward my face took an action that was something other than what I had anticipated.
“I’m sorry.”
Plona’s hand gently held my cheek. Like when I stroked her head at the orphanage, Plona slowly and carefully traced my face.
“I’m sorry… for leaving you alone when you were in pain. I’m sorry I didn’t come for you until it got like this.”
Late apologies.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
I’m sorry I hesitated.
I’m really sorry for being scared of my sister for a moment.
As if she wanted to wash away my confession stained with blood, Plona continuously poured out clear words of remorse in a faint voice like a dying light.
Even when her voice cracked and blood leaked out with each cough, even when I held her hand tightly and said to stop, Plona didn’t pause for a long while.
If I truly wanted to interrupt Plona’s words, I could have done so.
But I quietly listened to her weak voice, which was sharper than any blade and dug into my heart.
Finally, when Plona stopped speaking, it was around the time I thought it would soon be dangerous if I left her alone any longer.
“Can you please hold me one last time?”
Plona smiled weakly. With her corpse-like pale complexion and unfocused eyes wandering near my temples, she was definitely smiling.
Last. You truly think of this as the last.
You’re not blaming me as you think of it as the last; instead, you’re smiling and trying to leave.
“Oh.”
Just a little, I felt something sharp in my heart. I don’t know whether that small fragment was what I was searching for, but for now, I decided it was enough.
I carefully lay on top of Plona as she wished.
I made sure not to weigh down on her too much, keeping just enough contact that I could feel warmth through her skin.
“I’m sorry.”
The moment Plona’s eyes closed gently, I apologized to her with more sincerity than ever.
This wasn’t an apology for past actions. I was apologizing for what I was about to do which would twist her future and fate without asking for her consent.
Plona might wish to die as a human.
But I’m sorry, Plona. I really feel like I can’t leave you to die like this as a human. If you wake up later, I hope you’ll blame me.
I bit my tongue. Keeping my tongue bitten tightly, I brought my mouth to Plona’s nape.
Gently biting her neck, I began to suck away the remnants of life still remaining within her, filling the void with the warped eternal life that flowed in my mouth.
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