I am Park Si-woo.
I was born and raised in Korea, a typical adult male without any minority gender identity.
Though I wasn’t exactly a “man’s man,” I had served in the military without any issues, so my level of masculinity could be considered average.
But.
I was Park Si-woo, and at the same time, I was also Clitia Eluke.
A character from the game [Apollis Tales]. To be precise, a past saint who exists only in the lore.
One day, out of the blue, I found myself in the game’s world, living as Clitia.
In reality, it was more appropriate to say it was a fusion rather than possession. The selves and memories of Park Si-woo and Clitia Eluke had merged into one.
However, the dominant mind belonged to the Park Si-woo side.
If we were to quantify it, it was about 70 to 30? It changed continuously based on the situation, but the weight never really flipped.
For that reason, I had always considered my identity as male since the moment I was initially possessed.
No matter how much I thought about it, it felt right.
“I didn’t make a wrong judgment.”
In fact, I had seriously pondered about identity multiple times before, and the conclusion was always the same.
While my body is that of the female Clitia Eluke, my mind is that of the male Park Si-woo.
That is precisely who I am now.
There’s no reason for confusion, and I firmly believed that my thoughts wouldn’t change in the future.
At least, that’s how it used to be.
“…I’m going crazy.”
I messed up my hair and sat up, my upper body rising.
The whole body ached with frostbite and muscle pain, but at least it was better than yesterday. Thanks to the sacred power that was slowly starting to rise within me.
After about ten days to two weeks of proper rest, I should be able to return to normal health.
Using sacred power for healing could speed up the process even more.
Even though I had been on the brink of death, I managed to survive and was currently on the path to recovery.
It was a rather encouraging situation, but I wasn’t particularly happy about it.
I just felt empty inside.
My head was foggy, and my heart was pounding oddly hard. For some reason, I was in that state.
“……”
Sitting there blankly on the bed, I finally opened my mouth softly.
“Haebaji.”
-Did you call for me?
At my call, a blunt woman’s voice echoed in my head as if she had been waiting.
Haebaji, a clothing-type divine artifact with a consciousness.
Its appearance was just an ordinary nun’s outfit with a hint of red paint, but its abilities were diverse and marvelous, serving as a specialized divine artifact and partner for the saint.
Haebaji was particularly intelligent and often offered useful advice.
So surely, she could help me solve the troubles lingering in my head right now as well.
-Clitia, you seem to be troubled.
“Well, that’s true.”
-What is it? Please tell me.
Reliable as always.
Honestly, there were times I found her behavior questionable, but in most cases, she fulfilled her role as a divine artifact faithfully.
So I cautiously began to voice my concerns.
“I think I’m somehow viewing Liam as a man.”
-……
A brief silence.
Just when I thought Haebaji would immediately help solve my problem, she suddenly went quiet. Well, she didn’t have a mouth, so it was more accurate to say she just fell silent.
That silence was hard to endure, so I spoke again.
“No, I’m not saying I like him. I just feel drawn to him somehow. Do you get what I mean…”
-Yes, I understand well.
Haebaji cut me off and chuckled softly.
But maybe it was just my imagination? That laughter felt oddly mocking.
I highly doubted it, but I asked just to be sure.
“Are you laughing at me?”
-Not at all. I’m just glad that Clitia is finally thinking correctly. I don’t think I need to explain why I say this, do I?
“……”
Only after hearing that did I remember the warning from Haebaji that I had forgotten due to the battle against the Four Heavenly Kings Raiaride.
“If you don’t win the heart of the hero, this hero party will certainly be annihilated.”
Haebaji had told me that if I didn’t connect with Liam, our hero party was doomed to extinction.
It wasn’t a ridiculous warning.
Thinking about it, it was obviously a reasonable statement. The place I was living in now was a past timeline of [Apollis Tales].
In the storyline, the Demon King was still alive further into the future.
In other words, the previous heroes and their companions from before the hero party in the game story were doomed to be annihilated.
Of course, we were among them.
With the worst possible future already predetermined, the only way to escape it was to win over the foolish hero Liam’s heart and guide him to a change of heart.
The plan, devised by Haebaji herself, was to turn him into an ‘awakened hero’ and grow stronger than the Demon King…
“That’s just too bizarre.”
Honestly, it was absurd. The one and only way to win was ‘love’? This kind of development doesn’t even appear in romance fantasy novels.
But without any alternatives, I hadn’t been able to refute it until now.
And just now, I had spoken out loud and added weight to Haebaji’s plan.
-Clitia, there’s no need to push those feelings away. Accept them all. Wouldn’t that be correct?
“…That’s true.”
-Think carefully. The future of the hero party, as well as everyone, depends on this.
Everyone’s lives were in my hands.
She was persuading me with words I absolutely couldn’t defy. It sounded even like a threat, but it probably wasn’t just my imagination.
-Then, please do your best.
With that final word, Haebaji fell silent again.
However, my head didn’t succumb to silence.
“Things just got more complicated…”
Somehow, it felt like my head was more tangled after this consultation than before. Nothing had been resolved, and merely increasing the load in my heart.
Letting out a sigh, I slowly moved to the window.
The peaceful city was filled with the relaxed chatter of people and the pleasant chirping of birds.
Moreover, the unexpectedly warm sunlight shined down evenly on the residents, the buildings, the streets, and the roadside trees.
How long had it been since I rested in such a peaceful atmosphere?
Perhaps due to the calm outside, the frequency of the throbbing in my head had slightly decreased. A faint sense of happiness settled in my chest.
“Resting without a care isn’t so bad either.”
So I spent quite some time staring out the window.
“Saint, are you awake?”
The door carefully opened, and Erin peeked her head in.
Her adorable appearance made me smile lightly.
“Yeah, I’m awake.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Better than yesterday.”
“I’m so glad!”
Erin beamed as she entered the room and hugged me. I petted the shimmering purple hair of the young sage.
How nice it would be if Liam were as kind and gentle as her. No, I don’t even expect him to be that good. Just being like Ivar would already be an improvement.
Of all things, the hero, the most important one in the party, is a fool.
I sat on the edge of the bed with a bitter smile. Erin followed suit, sitting beside me and chattering away.
“Saint, did you know? The hero didn’t cause any trouble at all yesterday.”
“Really?”
I widened my eyes in surprise.
Liam not causing trouble? Is that even physically possible?
“Maybe he was too sleepy to cause any?”
“No! He drank without getting rowdy, didn’t pick a fight with the staff, and when he first spoke to me, he didn’t get angry!”
“…What’s wrong with him?”
Why do I feel so strange? The thing I had wished for so desperately was happening, yet I didn’t feel happy, only slightly unsettled.
“Maybe he has matured because of the troubles he went through?”
“That’s unlikely.”
“I see you have a reason to think so.”
If only I were a bit more dull about these kinds of things, it would have made my heart feel more at ease.
Unfortunately, having already figured out that guy’s feelings, I couldn’t avoid noticing it.
But saying it aloud was too embarrassing.
“I know, but…”
“Please just say it!”
After hesitating a moment, she kept tugging at my arm, urging me.
Eventually, I couldn’t resist Erin’s persistence and whispered as softly as I could.
“I think he might like me. So he’s pretending to be well-behaved to make a good impression.”
“Oh my!”
Erin’s eyes widened in astonishment.
Why are you so surprised? Startled by the thought that someone might overhear, I quickly covered the young sage’s mouth and whispered softly.
“Shh. It’s a secret.”
Nodding vigorously.
Erin gave a little nod, sending me a shining, burdensome gaze.
“…Why are you looking at me like that?”
When I asked as I removed my hand from her mouth, Erin suddenly poked my side with her elbow, her face flushed.
“Don’t lie, just be honest.
“…About what?”
“About your feelings for the hero.”
“……”
It was an unwanted question, and I didn’t want to answer.
So I tried to turn away, but Erin clung to me and insisted on asking, and I had no choice but to speak.
“Erin, I’m not thinking about dating.”
“Why not?”
“I’m busy training. I’m the weakest saint. I’d rather practice handling sacred power one more time than waste time on love.”
“Hmmm.”
For some reason, the interest reflected in her youthful face was even stronger than before.
Why, though? Even though I had clearly said it with determination to hide my true feelings.
“Saint, that’s odd. You’re not saying you don’t like the hero, but that you don’t want to date because you’re busy training? Hmm?”
“……”
I felt like I might have inadvertently given a wrong answer.
“Don’t deny it. I can tell. You’re somewhat conscious of the hero, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how do you know that?”
“Because your face is turning bright red! It’s nothing like your usual confident self!”
“…Erin.”
Why is this young girl so interested in the love lives of others at such a young age?
It was the first time I had seen her so enthusiastic about something other than magic.
It’s nice that she still has the innocent sensibility of a girl her age, but right now, it’s only making me uncomfortable.
“You feel something for the hero, right? Come on, admit it!”
The atmosphere suggested that any excuse I came up with wouldn’t work.
I couldn’t think of a way to deceive our perceptive sage, so I reluctantly opened my heart a bit more.
“I’m worried about him. A lot happened in Raiaride’s space.”
“I knew it! I knew it!”
Erin crossed her legs, resting her chin in one hand and nodding vigorously as if she were a seasoned romance counselor.
It looked ridiculous, but for some reason, it felt surprisingly trustworthy.
So, I decided to reveal a little more of my true self.
“I don’t really know why I’m feeling this way. Honestly, doesn’t it seem strange? That a fool like him looks like a man to me…”
“That’s not strange at all.”
Erin shook her head seriously.
“Where’s the strangeness in that? It’s perfectly natural for a man to love a woman, and a woman to love a man. There’s no need to be embarrassed.”
“……”
The moment I heard those words, a thought suddenly flickered through my mind.
At first, it was just a light idea, but it slowly formed into a concrete concept.
“It’s not so strange for me to like men, is it?”
Now I was a being formed by the merging of my past self, Park Si-woo, and my present self, Clitia Eluke.
So if I developed feelings for Liam, it didn’t mean I was becoming strange.
Also, I couldn’t assert that my gender identity was a minority.
The one attracted to the foolish hero wasn’t ‘Park Si-woo’, but ‘Clitia Eluke’.
“Oh?”
Even with my thoughts now organized, something still felt off.
According to my conclusion, I was now able to like men, but…
Is that really possible?
Doubting it, I let my imagination drift.
I pictured the scene of holding hands with the foolish hero, gazing into each other’s eyes, and bringing our lips close together in my mind.
…Just imagining it gave me goosebumps. I furrowed my brow in displeasure.
“Saint? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
As I ruffled Erin’s hair, I quickly scrubbed that unpleasant thought from my mind.
It didn’t disappear easily, and after a quick internal prayer, I finally managed to chase Liam’s face out of my head.
Why did I think of something like that? I must have lost my mind for a moment.
Anyway, now that I had confirmed that I wasn’t going insane, I finally felt at ease.
“Erin, thank you.”
Finally, the issue that had been troubling me since yesterday was roughly resolved.
With a sigh of relief, I embraced Erin joyfully.
“If it weren’t for you, I would have been stuck worrying alone.”
“Hehe, is that so?”
Erin hugged me back tightly with her tiny arms.
Then, with a beaming smile, she spoke brightly.
“So now you’re going to confess your feelings, right?”
“……”
I silently shook my head.
“Why aren’t you doing that?”
“I just don’t want to.”
It seemed my mind was still leaning towards the male Park Si-woo side.
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