Atilla, responding to Elia’s conversation, felt a familiar presence approaching from afar. A glance revealed Aiden and Lee Ha-yul emerging from the shadows.
Atilla narrowed her eyes upon confirming Aiden’s face. The expression of the guy who said he’d apologize looked a bit strange.
‘…Did that jerk really apologize?’
Atilla and Aiden had known each other for quite some time. They weren’t exactly childhood friends, but they had built a certain familiarity while attending the same academy.
Therefore, Atilla understood Aiden’s nature.
Aiden was dumb. He lacked awareness and would just charge in if he wanted something. He was the epitome of a fool.
To be fair, one could say he was kind-hearted, but that couldn’t cover up his fundamentally short-sightedness.
It was because of that personality he often got into trouble.
But last time, it was truly beyond the bounds of normal accidents; it was as if he was trying to commit suicide. Thinking back on that day still made her face feel cold.
Special entrance student, Lee Ha-yul.
When she sparred with him, she really thought her heart would drop.
‘No way.’
She didn’t really understand what special entrance admission meant. But she knew the troubles surrounding the buzz of this special entrance student.
He had just awakened a month ago or so? It was a ridiculously late awakening. Plus, he was blind and mute.
Why would anyone challenge a kid like that? Thankfully, he was so utterly useless that she barely managed to scrape by; otherwise, that idiot’s life could have become quite glamorous.
Let’s not even talk about it, but something must have happened when Hong Yeon-hwa looked at him coldly.
Later, when she asked why he provoked Lee Ha-yul while shaking her head, the answer was something else altogether.
She said she was curious. She wanted to see just how special he was to have entered with special admission.
Crazy guy. Maybe he thought he was just being curious, but from the outside, it looked like he was just picking a fight… Well, maybe he really was.
‘Idiot…’
The guy who challenged a blind person. And then got his ass beat in a pathetic manner…
That was the title Aiden had earned hanging out with friends at Shio-ram.
Idiot…
Atilla shook her head. Thinking back, if he had died back then, it might have been seen as a suicide.
*
After finishing the magic experiment, it was almost time to sleep.
Sleeping in a dungeon. Naturally, they couldn’t just lie around together peacefully.
Even if it was only a Level 4 dungeon, it was still a dungeon. Being careless was the quickest route to death; a favorite saying of Professor Atra that was drilled into their ears.
“Let’s draw lots for the night watch fairly.”
Setting up one tent for guys and another for girls, Atilla decided who would be on watch before they went to sleep.
In the can, there were five wooden sticks, each marked with an order.
…They were all visible to me. It seemed Atilla didn’t understand the performance of my spatial perception properly.
Conscientiously putting aside spatial perception, I drew lots. They say the first and last shifts are the easiest, right?
“Sweet, I got the first shift!”
“Dammit.”
The order was decided.
Aiden, me, Atilla, Elia, and Nam Yeon-jung in that order.
Aiden, who drew the first shift, clenched his fist in glee, while Atilla next to him cursed softly at the stick showing “3”.
Time passed, and Aiden, on the first shift, settled down next to the heating magic tool, while the rest of us ducked into the tent to sleep.
I followed suit for my turn. I had to get up soon, but I entered the tent to close my eyes for a bit.
And I couldn’t fall asleep at all. My mind was shockingly alert. Thanks to my enhanced spatial perception, I could feel the rhythm of the leaves swaying in the wind.
‘Ah.’
Instinctively, I felt I could not possibly fall asleep.
…
“Ha-yul, it’s time for your shift.”
[Yes.]
In the end, I couldn’t sleep until Aiden finished his shift and opened the tent.
I wriggled in my sleeping bag. A pesky tiredness clung to me.
“No abnormalities. Please take care of it.”
[Yes.]
I had dropped the formalities with Aiden.
Whenever he needed to apologize or when he occasionally spoke to me during dungeon expeditions, he would talk in a way that felt awkward, so I told him to just speak comfortably since he had already apologized.
I didn’t feel any need to be formal since I couldn’t speak anyway.
Of course, even if I could speak, I probably wouldn’t.
Having learned throughout my life, I realized there was no one in this world I could comfortably use casual language with. Answering in polite language avoided unnecessary troubles and kept things smooth.
I sat down on the heating magic tool.
In the center was a magic tool emitting light, with makeshift chairs around it and a green tent set up nearby.
It felt like we were on some sort of camping trip.
There was something called ‘fire-gazing.’ I heard there’s a culture of blankly watching wood burn, but the central piece wasn’t firewood; it was an egg-shaped magic tool instead.
Whoosh. A chilly night breeze brushed against me. I had draped a robe over my Shio-ram uniform, yet the cold seeped in.
‘Ugh…’
Cold, chilly. The worst thing in the world. I like being cool, but I absolutely hate being cold.
I rummaged through the backpack I had brought from the tent, searching for the same heating magic tool sitting in the center.
– Click.
Upon pressing the button, the gray surface glowed with a gentle orange hue. Feeling the warming sensation rise, I hugged the heating magic tool to me.
‘Oh…’
It was just small enough to fit my body and shaped like an egg, making it perfect to cuddle. The temperature was adjustable, so it wasn’t too hot, just right.
I flipped my robe over to wrap my body, trapping the warm air inside.
As I did that, my shivering decreased. And with the hood on my robe pulled over, it was heavenly.
A gasp escaped me. It felt like lying on a heated floor in the dead of winter, snuggled up in a blanket.
‘Hah…’
I was no longer cold. I rested my chin on the egg-shaped magic tool. A drowsy feeling washed over me as I exhaled deeply.
Sleep… didn’t come, but at least I felt comfortable. I could kill time like this and go back later.
– In filthy jealousy…
“……”
My mind being fuzzy, I found myself recalling the memories from just now. I narrowed my eyes. Jealousy, a feeling I didn’t want to revisit.
Years back, in my parents’ home.
For me, home was the whole world. My parents were the gods who created me, and the thugs occasionally showing up to wreak havoc were the outsiders.
Those parents weren’t worthy of the title. They were biological parents, having the ability to reproduce and create offspring… but morally, they were trash.
I didn’t know that as a child. Home was my entire world. Everyone around me was like that. Everyone was violent and treated me cruelly. The neighborhood was somehow filled with shouts and cries as if it were a normal part of life.
So, I thought that was average.
I thought my parents were normal and I was the abnormal one. It was unfair and painful when they hit me, but I had no choice but to accept it.
Whether it was them losing their tempers and hitting me, yanking my hair, throwing around bottles, or kicking me with a nasty mood.
I thought all of that was normal.
When a fire broke out and my parents burned to death, I wandered through the slums. Looking back now, I have no idea how I survived that period.
Wandering like that, I was discovered by some people and entered an orphanage.
There, I still hadn’t realized the benchmarks of normalcy. The kids around me didn’t have parents either. Most had experiences of being abused by their parents.
They were just like me. So I assumed everyone was the same.
Somehow…
I ended up in the city once. I don’t remember the exact reason.
There were people. People like me. They had two legs. No burns, but two arms too. While their vision was clearer, they had two eyes as well.
Unlike me, they spoke well, and they had mouths, noses for breathing, and ears for listening.
They were the same as me.
– Hey, going for the second round?
– If we split, I’m in.
– You don’t remember the last time we stuffed ourselves with beef?
They were different. There were no shouts or screams. No sad whimpers heard. Occasionally there were swear words, but those were not filled with negative emotions like their parents; there was mischief and friendliness.
– Dad! That’s the one I was talking about!
– Yeah, yeah. Alright, let’s take it slow, okay?
– Hurry up!
They were different from me. The child, looking like a son, led the parent’s hand. The parent didn’t lose their temper and throw a punch; instead, they comforted the child and walked together.
I stood there dazed for a while watching that street. It was snowing. Maybe it was Christmas? Or just Christmas Eve?
Standing there blankly with snow piling on my head, some adult came up to me and asked if I was lost.
I shook my head, saying no, and I remember trudging back to the orphanage.
That was the start.
Everything felt unsatisfactory. I felt discontent everywhere. I felt unjust. I had complaints before, but it was never as intense as that moment.
That was normal for me. Everyone was unhappy. Everyone was like me. All the kids in my orphanage had no parents and had faced abuse. They were poor and starving. Everyone was like that.
But no, it wasn’t like that. Not everyone was like that. Many people were similar to me, but there were even more who were happier than me.
My parents and that kid’s parents holding their hands on that day were different.
– What’s the difference?
Jealousy.
– Why is it different? What’s so great about them?
The emotions of coveting and envying others.
– What did I do wrong?
It was a bad feeling. Even if I felt envy, it only made me miserable. Why were they happy while I was unhappy? That kid wore a joyful smile; why was I in this pitiful state?
It was a petty act. No matter how much I envied others, there was nothing to gain from it. The more I compared my situation to others, the more miserable I became.
I became miserable. For no reason, simply because I was born wrong, realizing how drastically my circumstances differed from theirs made me not want to live. Everything seemed meaningless.
But I was a coward, not wanting to end up like my burned parents.
If I just envy on like this, I really felt I would end up dying myself.
I wasn’t the kind of person who could convert jealousy into positive motivation.
So, I didn’t look up. I was too scared to climb higher. I didn’t look up at the people who were better than me, who had happier circumstances.
I looked down. At those worse off… or more accurately, those who were more miserable than me.
If I looked closely, there were as many people as those who were happier than me… or even more who were more unfortunate.
Pathetically, I found comfort in that. I felt a disgusting sense of relief realizing I wasn’t the worst; I was happy enough.
‘……’
I was ugly and disgusting. At times, I even wondered if there was a reason for my parents to treat me that way.
I hugged the magic tool tightly. My breath was a little heavy, but I felt psychologically stable. I quietly curled up my body; I adjusted my robe as if to hide from anyone looking.
Fighting with Aiden wasn’t unpleasant. The apology itself wasn’t unpleasant either. I didn’t even think it was something to apologize for.
But because the apology had to do with jealousy, an unpleasant emotion surfaced.
It felt like I had to apologize for being apologized to.
It was just a mere hour or two of being on watch, but it felt far too long.
*
“Alright, down the hatch! Huh? What’s this? Can’t down a single shot from this tiny glass? I’m disappointed~ Your actions are small for that mouthful! Hehe.”
Hahaha.
Riana was pounding the table, laughing for some reason. The drink in her cup sloshed around. She was the very definition of a drunken mess.
Near her drink sat many empty bottles, all drained of their contents.
The smell of alcohol was so strong it nearly twisted my nose.
“Haah…”
I should’ve just ignored it. It wasn’t a matter of conceding once.
Atra regretted it late into the night.
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