Adrian was warm. Perhaps, I had been hoping someone would come this close.
Just by holding her, the anxious feelings began to fade away.
Was it the power of the saint? I realized that her feelings for me were not just simple pity.
Not pity or compassion, but something closer to understanding. Adrian, nestled in my arms, was sobbing.
Strangely, I, who had experienced death, felt numb, yet here was someone I had just met in this life crying.
What should I say? This was my first time feeling something like this in this life.
I didn’t know what to say to Adrian.
I never thought someone would be sad for me.
I didn’t think anyone could understand the feelings of my past death and be sorrowful because of it.
It wasn’t that I was pitiful; it was just that I didn’t know what to say to a woman who was genuinely crying out of sadness.
The sound of my own heartbeat thundered in my ears.
As it quickened, that pulsation slowly brought heat, and soon the warmth swirled around my flushed cheeks.
I brushed aside Adrian’s hair that occasionally twitched on my chest.
I couldn’t grasp what feelings I had right now. It was so unfamiliar; wasn’t this the first time I was having such an experience in all my lives?
Perhaps I was just scaring myself.
I had never talked about my past to anyone, so maybe I was preemptively frightened.
Of course, I would feel different emotions for Adrian than I did before, but what was certain was that…
This experience definitely had a positive impact on me.
I slowly pulled away Adrian’s head, careful not to be too rough.
I just wanted to express that I was alright now.
I chuckled as I rubbed my finger on her tear-streaked cheeks. The tears were still damp on my fingers.
Just the fact she cried for me stirred a lot of emotions within.
Is there anyone who could cry like this for someone they barely met in this life, someone they have just formed a connection with?
Only Adrian could do this.
Meeting her in this life felt like it could be fate.
“Lift your head. I need to wipe your face.”
At my words, Adrian slowly raised her head.
Probably because she had rubbed her face against my chest, her face was flushed and she managed a small smile.
The way she sniffled was slightly different from before.
Earlier, she seemed more mature, but now, she looked like a child.
It wasn’t bad. In fact, it was nice.
Seeing Adrian like this often made me smile without realizing it.
Adrian, who showed no resistance when I wiped her tears, briefly looked up at me and parted her lips.
“Are you okay? About me seeing… Robert’s memories.”
“I’m fine. I thought I’d have to tell you eventually anyway. I was a bit startled since it happened sooner than I expected, but thanks to your embrace, I feel alright.”
“Even though it was a bit overwhelming, I felt better thanks to Adrian’s hug.”
“Oh, I didn’t come here just to hug you.”
With my ears turning a bit red, I shrugged my shoulders and wiped my tears away.
Once I wiped my face clean, Adrian, who was still looking at me, kept his mouth shut.
His lips fluttered as if he was contemplating something, but eventually, they closed.
It must have been about the memories I was currently showing him. This thirty-fifth life was, in many ways, a special one for me.
“Do you see Miragen?”
Adrian was slightly surprised that I referred to the princess by name, but he nodded and affirmed it.
“I can’t see her, but her memories are flowing into me. That’s why I could feel Robert’s emotions. If it upset you… I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. It doesn’t matter with you, even if it would with someone else.”
I didn’t really want Miragen or Adele to remember their past.
Especially since Miragen might have felt guilt about killing me.
If we were in the Crown of Memories, things must have been more serious than I thought.
As Adrian lowered his head at those words, I continued explaining this memory.
“I was a bit naive back then.”
It might sound strange to say I died thirty-four times and was foolish, but that’s how it felt to me.
That was when I was trying to find my own wisdom.
Considering how I managed not to kill the Crown Prince and got close to marrying Miragen after receiving Yuria’s acknowledgment…
I guess I could say it was when I was closest to success.
But then Miragen died.
What other term could express my inability to consider that?
I thought I died a lot back then, but from the perspective of my hundred-and-first life, I just seemed foolish and silly.
“Do you remember what I said before? That I had someone I loved.”
That was about Miragen.
She was the first and last person I ever loved, so I vowed never to love anyone else.
That sentiment remained.
In this life, I met many connections, but I never wanted them to progress to closer relationships.
“I remember. Could it be that it was Miragen?”
“That’s right. My last lover was always Miragen.”
Adrian made a strange expression for a moment and stared at me.
It seemed like she finally understood, and after hesitating, she spoke up.
“Then, the one who killed you… must have been Miragen.”
“It was a death I desired from the start. I don’t know how you read my memories, but if you saw them, you would understand.”
The landscape shown by the crown revealed me sobbing while holding onto the dead Miragen.
It was a rainy day, filled with anxiety as I didn’t want to let Miragen leave alone that night.
I’ve somewhat overcome those feelings now, but even so, revisiting them brought up unnecessary emotions.
Miragen isn’t alive anymore.
As I wiped my forehead and exhaled softly, Adrian came close again and gently held my hand.
I felt okay to talk about anything now, but I couldn’t help but smile at the worried expression on her face.
Gold didn’t care what stories were told, but she couldn’t help but smile at the worried expression on his face.
It had been a long time since someone worried about her in so many ways.
Her attitude was quite different from Adele’s, and she was feeling that slight difference while talking about memories.
If Adele saw memories simply as memories and valued the present, Adrian completely embraced the emotions of the entire memory.
The reason for his response to my every little action was probably that.
Adrian must have thought I was in a pretty unstable state right now.
Looking at Adrian, who tightly held my hand as if he wasn’t going to let go, I quietly opened my mouth.
I felt the need to reassure her.
From now on, no matter what happens, I wouldn’t be overly agitated.
“Do I still look anxious?”
“…No.”
“I’m okay. I was a little flustered earlier, but that was just for a moment, right? If it makes you uncomfortable, you can let go of my hand.”
Even though he loosened his grip on my fingers, Adrian was still holding my hand.
It wasn’t as warm as when we were embraced, but that warmth was fully conveyed.
A small hand, soft without a single callus, small enough to be covered entirely by one hand.
I quickly realized that this came from the desire within her heart, but this time I decided to accept it.
There’s no other way to repay her.
Even if the day comes when we reveal our hearts to each other, I just wished she wouldn’t get hurt.
If I were still alive when my goal was achieved, I would provide another answer then.
My fingers moved from the hand I was holding, intertwining with his.
I quietly embraced his shoulder, which flinched in surprise.
Earlier, we faced each other, but this time I hugged the woman from behind.
Thump, thump. The sound of my racing heart was clear in my ears.
This was all I could do to repay her, so there was no helping it.
For a brief moment, I thought I was rescued. If the saint hadn’t reached out to me from the mire of inescapable emotions, what else could be called salvation?
Just because I was thankful.
Just because I didn’t want to forget this feeling I had right now.
I held on for quite a while until Adrian’s ears turned a vivid red.
#
Memories connect.
From the thirty-fifth night when Miragen died, to the fifty-fifth life when I had died again.
Even to the life where I had given up everything and left for the north.
Adrian, sitting in my embrace, quietly watched those memories.
It was a bit unsettling to watch in silence, but through our earlier conversation, I realized she understood my feelings.
There was no need to be anxious. I just wanted to see if Adrian might cry more.
“Is this when you first met the Grand Duke?”
“It’s not the first time meeting, but it might be the first time we developed a friendship. I ran away without saying anything to my sister or fiancée; it was when I even abandoned my family name.”
Thinking back, it was amazing that Adele accepted me like that.
Welcoming someone who had run away without any ties, just like that.
To welcome someone who had fled without any ties is quite the thing.
If that person had been hired to assassinate her, what on earth were they planning?
I was a little worried, but Adrian’s grip on my arm scattered my residual thoughts.
It was quite a strange position, resting against my chest with legs stretched out, admiring memories.
Her hair, tied up, occasionally tickled my nose, and my eyes narrowed at the sweet scent.
If I had merely thought of Adrian as a connection, it seemed my feelings had shifted a bit with this incident.
Could it be romantic feelings?
I hope not, but at this rate, I don’t know when my heart might change.
There were those I had once loved, those I had wished to love, and that woman with whom I had no relationship at all. Yet, the feelings I held for them remained unchanged.
It seemed I was the only one troubled by this complicated relationship.
“Will Robert talk to anyone else about the memory?”
“…I’m not sure.”
I thought that if Adrian knew about this memory, Miragen would eventually recall it, just like Adele had.
Should I tell them in advance? No clear answer emerged no matter how many times I pondered.
Not all the memories they recalled were happy, so I thought it might be better for them to live their lives never knowing.
If they did find out, I hoped they wouldn’t be sad. Truly, it would be too much to say right now.
“I think I’ll have to keep it hidden for a while. As you can see, it’s not all good memories, is it?”
“…That makes sense.”
Adrian mumbled that and then broke into a soft smile, looking straight ahead with a sigh.
My memories were now slowly coming to an end. If she were watching my memory of approaching my hundredth death, there was something I needed to reveal to her.
What on earth was I seeking by repeating reincarnation?
Although its essence had blurred, there was certainly a goal I held tightly in my heart.
To kill the Crown Prince. Shouldn’t I tell the only woman in this world who knows my memories?
After a while, when all the deaths had concluded, I quietly opened my mouth toward Adrian.
“You probably realize that living the 101st life after dying 100 times is…”
“I know. I’ve seen everything here…”
“I don’t know how many times this reincarnation will repeat, but I intend to end it in this life.”
Adrian looked at me with surprise for a moment.
Choosing the path to the South was also about gaining her support, so I was ultimately returning to the essentials.
I gazed at Adrian intently and cautiously continued,
“I intend to kill the Crown Prince.”
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