I could never fully trust something called memory.
As time flows, memories get distorted, and things you don’t know seep in and change them, don’t they?
I could never recall the same memory consistently.
Unless it was an intense and shocking memory, perhaps one could argue that memory itself isn’t trustworthy.
– Adele, are we going tomorrow?
– Didn’t I mention it yesterday? I’m planning to go in the morning and return at night. Just have fun with Bunta or something.
– You seem to have something else on your mind, judging by the fact you called me here.
There was always a memory that halted at the same point.
Discovering Robert lying in the snow, dying, and bringing him back to make him a subordinate.
The Robert in my memories appeared desperate for something.
He couldn’t adapt flexibly to the name Taylor like now.
In fact, he tended to avoid that name and tried his best to stay away from the center.
I think many things are different.
The Robert in my memories expressed emotions more freely and wasn’t so indifferent to everything like now.
Sometimes he’d react violently to his own words or harbor different feelings all on his own.
Adele wasn’t foolish.
She had some sense of the feelings of those looking at her.
How she felt about Robert back then was clear.
She probably harbored similar feelings.
They had spent a long time together, and he was someone who could understand her loneliness.
It was the same when it came to overlaying her father in her mind.
Always feeling like he would disappear, Adele didn’t particularly like Robert straying far away from her.
– You’re still not sending me away.
– Because I’m anxious.
– Well, I think it’s good too. Being together is…nice, I suppose.
Reincarnation.
Not the life she’s currently living, but the life Robert completely remembers from the previous round.
Even with explanations, it was still hard to believe.
What intrigued her was whether Robert had lived just as long as he had spent time with her.
Back then, Robert had already reached a level of maturity.
Even then, he probably didn’t have time to wield a sword, yet she still questioned the notion of talent.
And that question hasn’t disappeared. He knew that the cause of his death in that life was the Crown Prince.
Thus, he must have warned her.
Telling her not to meet the Crown Prince, he wrote such words in the letter.
Adele chuckled at the cold night wind.
What she heard from Robert brought quite a different shock.
The past memories she harbored were also her own emotions, and they were affecting her current self.
They had spent three years together, and now met again, facing each other for a month in this life.
Robert looked even more precarious than in her memories.
It wouldn’t be surprising if he crumbled at any moment, and yet, seeing him smile nonchalantly bothered her.
If he’d just say he was struggling, she would help him, but his manner of acting like he needed no one’s assistance didn’t sit well with her.
I didn’t like the way he acted as if he was indifferent.
Honestly, it was frustrating.
The very act of moving without considering myself. What does my existence mean to Robert?
I know he had feelings for me at one point.
It wasn’t one-sided.
We both knew each other, even if we didn’t move towards a relationship.
And yet, the secret still existed.
Even though I heard the incomprehensible term “reincarnation,” I learned that Robert and I had together in a past life.
But it was soon clear that this wasn’t everything.
If I had pressed harder, would he have told me about another life?
I thought so, yet I didn’t ask Adele any further.
It was a feeling.
A feeling that if I asked any more questions, I might touch a nerve, that there was a reason he only said this much.
The “grace of not remembering” I heard before must have originated from Robert’s reincarnation too.
I want to know. But there’s no way to find out.
The gap between Robert and me remained, a distance I could never reach no matter how much I stretched out my hand.
Adele’s insides, tangled with emotions of the past and present, were quite complicated.
No matter how much I exhaled, the suffocation didn’t disappear.
“I don’t know.”
Adele mumbled.
As the dawn gradually brightened the window, the darkness that had colored the room faded, but Adele still couldn’t sleep.
“I can’t understand what kind of scenery you see, what you feel. I can’t figure out what I mean to you at all…”
He always smiles, but why do I wish to see him cry instead?
Adele’s hand slowly brushed over that face. I wish Robert would cry loudly.
Then, it might actually feel reassuring.
I could just hold him and pat his back. But if he only keeps showing that smiling face, I don’t think this anxiety will ever disappear.
A glass doll that seems like it could break at any moment. That’s how Robert felt to Adele.
#
A day passed. I had opened up “somewhat” about my reincarnation to Adele, but I didn’t expect a big change from it.
In fact, I didn’t tell her about all a hundred lives,
I only explained the life in which Adele had recalled memories and how I had already died several times.
I didn’t expect to be understood, nor did I seek sympathy.
Honestly speaking, it seemed like it had been quite hard.
I thought I was doing fine after killing Teresa, but feelings are not so easily settled.
Eventually, I spoke out what I had thought I would share someday.
The more Adele recalls memories, the more detailed my story would become, but in the end, it’s all about one life.
If something were to change from that, it would be odd.
Let’s not think about it,
With that mindset, as I left the room, I fortuitously came face to face with a familiar face.
“Ah.”
The moment our eyes met, a voice slipped out unintentionally, and I awkwardly scratched my cheek to greet him.
“…Good morning.”
“Thanks to whom, I couldn’t even say hello after sleeping so well.”
Adele’s complexion wasn’t great.
I wondered if she had pulled an all-nighter. Feeling a bit guilty, I smiled slightly, and Adele, mirroring my smile, stepped closer to me.
Her sudden approach made my back hit the wall.
It might’ve looked suspicious to others, but Adele was close enough to gaze into my eyes.
Due to the height difference, she was looking up at me,
but the atmosphere was anything but comical.
As we silently stared at each other, Adele gently caressed my cheek and chuckled quietly.
“Is this a dream?”
Then she stepped back again, clearly wanting to confirm something.
Since I answered, it seemed she realized I wasn’t just a figment of her imagination.
Touching the spot where our hands brushed, Adele’s gaze met mine.
“I just touched you for a moment. I wondered if what I was seeing was another dream, since I’ve seen you in dreams quite often.”
“Did I appear in your dreams again today?”
“No, I couldn’t sleep, so I thought maybe what I’m seeing now was a dream.”
Adele was surprisingly calm.
I expected her to be confused, but it seemed like she had neatly organized her thoughts.
I couldn’t help but be curious about what she was thinking.
But I couldn’t ask her directly, could I?
As I continued to watch her in silence, Adele turned slightly and gave me some space.
“Let’s walk for now. You were heading to eat anyway, right?”
The distance to the dining hall was quite far.
Adrian was cared for by the priests, and joining her was always an afternoon affair.
Since the mornings were more relaxed, I had the chance to walk with Adele.
But why did it feel so awkward to walk like this?
Honestly, it was my fault for bringing up reincarnation, but I was struggling to figure out what to say first.
It was Adele who broke the silence.
“I’ve decided not to think about what you said yesterday for now.”
“…Is that so?”
“After all, it’s just a continuation of my previous life. Nothing’s going to change now. It just sounded like a comparison between then and now.”
Adele’s words weren’t incorrect. She was right.
Ultimately, it was a past life, and even if I remembered, nothing would change in this life.
No matter how much I recalled the past, I had to focus on the present.
It was just surprising how easily she reached that conclusion. I wondered how long it took me to come to such a realization.
With those thoughts, I looked at her, and Adele frowned slightly as she spoke.
“Do you seem dissatisfied with something?”
“Not at all, I’m just intrigued.”
“I’m the one who’s intrigued by you. The idea of repeatedly dying is hard to believe, and the fact that you’re here like this is even more incredible.”
In her water-like blue eyes, concern was faintly reflected.
Though her tone was somewhat blunt, I knew well that Adele was worried about me.
I was walking.
Since the moment we bumped into each other earlier, she acted like that because she was worried about me.
Walking like this didn’t seem bad either. Thinking about it, it’s been quite a while since we walked alone together.
We walked, maintaining a precarious gap where our hands almost brushed against each other.
Sometimes our steps matched, but then we would fall out of sync again. For no reason, I found myself concerned about Adele walking.
Matching footsteps, aligning the direction of our feet.
I think we often walked like this in the past. I wonder if Adele remembers that too.
It’s a feeling from the past. Even if that memory comes to mind, the emotions from then and now can’t be the same.
I’ve died dozens of times more than I did back then, and Adele isn’t perfectly ready to accept those memories yet.
When our steps matched perfectly, I finally realized that Adele was staring at me.
“…How long have you been watching?”
“From the very beginning.”
When I asked that, Adele replied with an indifferent expression.
It might be a little embarrassing. If Adele remembered it, that’s one thing, but if not, then I was just being silly.
At that moment, a clear voice reached my ears.
“You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. I’ve been watching you walk since earlier too.”
“That’s—”
“It means you’re not the only one who remembers now. I do too.”
Even when I walk sloppily, our footsteps sync perfectly.
I wasn’t the only one matching them. Adele’s foot would momentarily stop, then step forward, following my lead.
Adele was watching my steps.
Realizing that, I looked over at her, but she quickly turned her head and moved her lips.
“Sometimes you can come and talk about other things. You can share memories only you know, or if I’ve recalled something, feel free to talk about that.”
“You might find it confusing.”
“I don’t mind. After all, I’ve also started remembering these memories. Just come to me when your head is hurting. You can stay silent and just watch sometimes.”
I caught her gaze again.
Our footsteps, once moving, came to an awkward halt as we stood there facing each other, turned away from the temple.
“You can lean on me.”
Adele chuckled softly and continued. She looked somewhat relieved. It was as if my thoughts of her being confused were just my own misconception as she shed her past self completely.
“As I said earlier, I won’t think about your work for a while, but there’s one thing I need to tell you.”
“If you have something to say?”
“When we’re alone, call me by my name. Just like before.”
The “before” she meant likely referred to memories of the past. I smiled for a moment and nodded.
It wasn’t difficult to call her by her name. It felt easier that way. At least more so than calling her Grand Duke.
“Adele.”
After a long time, as I said her name, Adele smiled.
It was a surprisingly warm smile unlike her usual self, and somehow, I felt my heart racing.
Louder than usual.
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