Seeing someone’s death is never a pleasant experience.
Even witnessing the death of a complete stranger is painful, let alone if that person is someone you know.
Now, how would one feel if it’s the death of someone they have been unusually concerned about lately?
Adrian couldn’t tap into every single memory of Robert.
He could only catch fragmented pieces of his memories, but whether these were merely fragments is another question.
From the point of having observed Robert’s death over twenty times, Adrian’s heart was gradually becoming desolate.
Each death was agonizingly painful.
He was not trusted, not believed in, and ultimately abandoned and betrayed to death.
He died by the hands of someone he loved, failing to protect the one he cherished.
If he claimed to fully understand those feelings, he would be lying.
In truth, he could barely grasp even a part of it. Perhaps that’s why he felt so empty.
Having died dozens of times with ungraspable feelings, his will to do anything had already worn down.
“Is there… nothing for me to do?”
He had lived under the name of a saint.
He deemed it a virtue to help and bless others, living solely for them.
But wasn’t Robert also within that category?
No matter how much he tried to think of ways to help, nothing came to mind, and an empty luster appeared in Adrian’s eyes.
What lay before him was Robert, fallen and lifeless once more.
What had this death been like? Upon recalling it, the corners of Adrian’s mouth twisted.
Yuria Taylor, he wasn’t sure what feelings she had while looking at Robert.
But one thing was certain: it was wrong.
He had never seen a woman so twisted from birth. Teresa, his fiancée, and the Head of House Taylor too.
It was rather unbelievable that despite having such people around him, he hadn’t been twisted himself.
Adrian let a bitter smile escape as he brushed Robert’s cheek.
His palm merely caressed the empty air, but he just wanted to share a little of his warmth.
Until now, it seemed that Miragen had filled that role in his previous life.
He had faced Robert being in love four times already.
He even reached the point of becoming the beloved of the princess, almost having a wedding ceremony.
If Miragen had not died, wouldn’t Robert have found happiness in that life?
Having witnessed suicidal acts himself, Adrian couldn’t shake off his complicated feelings.
As soon as the reincarnation began, he inserted a knife into his throat and chose to end his life by intentionally drinking poison.
Watching him suffer brought tears to his own eyes.
Rubbing his red, swollen eyelids, Adrian carefully settled next to Robert.
“This time, the world isn’t scattering away quickly.”
Whenever Robert experienced a death, the world in his memories scattered like dust until he faced the next memory.
Now, with his vision muddied, he felt this memory was the last one.
What kind of death would he see of Robert this time? It was terrifying.
He resented himself for wanting to examine the memories.
Continuing to witness such things only brought suffering, and he instinctively frowned at the piercing pain in his heart.
…However, he mustn’t run away. It was a memory known only to him.
If it weren’t for Robert, no one else in this world would understand this memory but him.
He wanted to flee at once, but he also wanted to rush back to the Moon Tower and dive into Robert’s arms instead.
Enduring, he faced death. The only one who could understand Robert’s Reincarnation was himself.
It was only now that he realized, when he was exhausted and on the verge of collapsing at the end of this life, that there was only one person who would help him.
If he didn’t help, it wouldn’t be strange for him to collapse at any moment, so he had to act before that empty heart shattered completely.
“…It’s cold.”
The northern wind was brisk.
Though he couldn’t feel everything, Robert, who died alone here, must have faced this cold head-on.
Adrian, sitting on the snowy field, muttered.
Feeling the chill creeping through his thin clothes, he looked at Robert, who must have been completely frozen by now.
As the wind blew, memories slowly crumbled.
Like burning pieces of paper scattering, Robert began to gradually disappear.
Near the imperial palace, not within the snowy fields, was a tower he had never seen before. Yet Adrian realized it was the Moon Tower, where he lived.
However, the feeling of discomfort likely stemmed from one thing.
If the Moon Tower was the backdrop, he couldn’t help but see the woman residing at the top of the tower.
Adrian took a step forward into his memories.
“Lord Berod, someone wanted to meet me?”
And then, he saw Saint Adriana.
#
It was the first time he had appeared from Robert’s memories.
What kind of person would he be in Robert’s memories?
Would he be a lover like Miragen, or a companion like the Grand Duke?
If Robert was a Paladin, that would feel awkward, and while he chuckled at it internally, he slowly faced the rising concern.
Perhaps Robert had been trying to find him.
For whatever reason, it must have been that the Order needed some help.
Given Robert’s status, they must have met, and as Adrian quietly gazed at the memories, a sense of curiosity flickered across his face.
Robert had come looking for him many times.
Day after day, sun after sun, moon after moon. Yet, he never met Robert.
Curious about the reason, as he headed into the Moon Tower, Adrian’s expression paled when he heard his own words.
– Should I… meet that person?
His hesitating response was filled with questions.
He already knew that the rumors about Robert Taylor were not good.
But how could he say such things when he hadn’t even met him face to face?
Even if he wanted to blame someone, it was his own words.
It was strange. No matter how new the face was, he wouldn’t necessarily say something like that.
Whose words did he hear to answer like that, anyway?
That question was resolved with the following words.
Perhaps it was an answer he had already thought of in a corner of his heart.
– The Crown Prince said last time, it’s better to avoid those with bad rumors; there are people trying to take my life these days…
Lord Berod seemed to agree with that remark.
He knew better than anyone that Robert was not that kind of person.
Yet, trusting the Crown Prince’s words so firmly, he was suspicious of someone he had never met.
Ha, a wry smile escaped Adrian as he collapsed on the spot.
It was none other than his own words.
Whatever excuses he might make, no matter how different the reasons were, in the end, he had abandoned Robert.
The reason Robert looked for him was to act before the Crown Prince tried to kill him.
Robert’s death was always deeply connected with the Crown Prince, so perhaps he gained some realization through the cycle of repeated deaths.
Robert’s death was always deeply connected to the Crown Prince. Perhaps he gained some enlightenment amid the cycle of repeated deaths.
…That was something he let slip away. He swatted away the hand that reached for help.
Simply because it could be dangerous. Adrian, who brushed his face, let out a painful breath.
He couldn’t bear the repulsion of his own actions. What does it mean to be a Saint?
Despite being called a Saint, bestowed with divine power, how can one dismiss a person in need of help?
“Haha…”
And so, Robert died.
He wished for the help of the Saint but died emptily without receiving it.
Isn’t it his own fault?
He held tightly onto the Rosario in his hand, but it soon shattered, and the shards dug into his palm.
Even the sharp pain felt utterly inconsequential.
Compared to the suffering Robert must have endured in his life, it was nothing.
Drip, drip.
The blood flowing from his palm dripped down to the floor.
Though facing the memories had come to an end, the last memory remained vividly in Adrian’s mind.
“…If I had heard Robert speak just once, could it be that he wouldn’t have died?”
It was a life that had already passed.
Though Robert said nothing about it, it wouldn’t have been strange for him to blame himself.
Even as the blood flowed, the pain wasn’t too severe.
He simply stood up, leaving the broken Rosario behind, and staggered away.
He had witnessed countless deaths. Sometimes in anger, other times shedding tears, he watched those deaths unfold.
Despite the resentment that he couldn’t help him, he was even directly involved in his death.
Isn’t the sympathy he harbored laughable?
Unlike when he arrived here, Adrian’s steps were now just heavy.
He walked with legs that felt utterly powerless. He could no longer see ahead.
The sight he briefly regained while reading memories had vanished again, leaving only darkness.
“I’m sorry. I… I’m sorry.”
That apology likely couldn’t be directed at himself.
How could he honestly confess seeing Robert’s memories?
He just wanted to comfort him.
Wanting to tell him about the loneliness he bore, the misery. He wanted him to know he was no longer alone.
Tears streamed down his cheeks.
He knew better than anyone how meaningless those apologies he had muttered several times were.
He also understood that he could no longer apologize for that matter.
The Robert he should be apologizing to was dead, so what meaning would it hold if he apologized to the current Robert?
It was already too late.
The wind blowing was still cold.
Colder than the wind he faced on that snowfield, and this wind would reach Robert as well.
He couldn’t even begin to imagine the sensations he felt.
How cold might the wind flowing through his empty inner self be? And so Adrian walked.
Forward… again, forward.
Toward the Moon Tower where Robert would be alone.
#
Hearing the creaking sound, he momentarily looked at the window, where he saw the wind coming through.
It was time for everyone to be asleep, but he hadn’t realized how late it had gotten while reading the materials Arwen sent.
The only light left in this room was the solitary candle flickering, and as he gazed at the faint moonlight faintly illuminating through the open window, he sank into thought.
“I never could step inside before.”
Despite several attempts, I had never managed to get inside due to various reasons. But now, here I am, stepping inside and taking it easy. Isn’t connection a funny thing?
Had I met Adrian back then, would I have already completed my reincarnation?
It’s not that I don’t think about such assumptions, but I had somewhat let go of the attachment to the past.
Now… well, I think there’s nothing that could be done.
It would have been better to find a way out from something other than the Order.
I can’t deny that I acted a little foolishly.
Those residual thoughts scattered because of the presence heard in the hallway.
I wondered if someone was moving at this hour, so I approached, and soon the door opened, revealing a familiar face.
“Robert, is it okay for a moment?”
“…Adrian, your eyes?”
Had she been crying? I reached out in a hurry, seeing her eyes swollen bright red. There hadn’t been anything strange when we separated in the evening; what could have happened that night?
I gently caressed her cheek.
I asked what happened, but Adrian merely shook her head and responded with silence.
“It’s cold outside. Let’s go inside. I’m surprised by what happened.”
“I have something to say. There’s something I want to ask.”
Adrian stood frozen at the door, her lips quivering.
Her voice, mixed with the possibility of tears, made me gaze at her silently for a moment.
I had no idea what had happened. However, it was certain she was distressed.
Did she need comfort? After a short hesitation, I gently opened my mouth towards Adrian.
“If it’s a request, I’ll listen to anything.”
“…Could you hug me?”
At that moment, the words left me speechless.
Not knowing how to respond or what she meant by that. Adrian, looking at me, smiled softly and continued to speak.
“The wind is cold. Today is colder than yesterday.”
Suddenly—
Adrian wrapped herself into my arms.
Burrowing her head into my chest, she began to sob, leaving me momentarily frozen.
A warm sensation came over me.
Tears falling from her chest and hands gripping my waist grew tighter.
“…I’m sorry. Really.”
I didn’t know why she was apologizing.
I didn’t understand why she clung to me sobbing or why she came to me in the early dawn.
Still, asking such a thing in this situation would be impolite. Right now, the best thing to do was to comfort her.
I finally found a place for my hands, wrapping them gently around Adrian’s back.
I patted her soothingly, telling her it would be okay.
“I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but there’s nothing you need to apologize to me for, Adrian.”
Even if it were something from a past life, it wouldn’t matter.
I had never once resented the woman named Adrian.
I embraced her softly as she cried without a word.
Feeling the warmth radiating from her, the winter chill merely dispersed in that heat.
“So, you don’t have to apologize.”
Adrian’s warmth was comforting.
For a moment, I forgot that it was winter.
If her intention was to seek comfort, it was clear her feelings had come through.
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