EP.76
“My dear, my only dear…”
On the bed, Altina cautiously gazed at Jin, who had fallen soundly asleep on her knees.
Despite saying he was in too much pain to sleep, it seemed that after Altina gently placed his head on her lap and sang a lullaby a few times, he had quickly succumbed to slumber.
Was it the knee pillow that her mother had claimed was effective for putting a boy to sleep, or perhaps the lullaby she was carefully whispering into his ear? Or was it simply that, contrary to his words, Jin’s body had reached its limit and could no longer endure the strain?
Altina thought it was undoubtedly the latter.
She knew Jin was a man who would act foolishly, even stupidly, when it came to matters related to her.
“When you, my adorable one, sleep in the cradle…”
Thinking back, it had been that way since the first day they met.
When Altina and Jin first faced each other, she found herself inexplicably disliking him.
Having no knowledge of him at all, she had only relied on the baseless rumors that floated around to form her perception of him.
Even though she understood better than anyone the importance of not hastily judging others without first seeing and experiencing things for herself, she couldn’t help but look at him with a rather unpleased expression.
She hadn’t liked that he had entered the A-class training ground, a space she thought of as her own, without a word and had deliberately chosen to ignore him, subtly treating him with disdain.
However, Jin did not respond to Altina’s unjust attitude and treatment.
He merely offered her a casual piece of advice, as if it were just passing by.
– You know, you have a habit of tilting your right foot slightly to the left to balance your weight when swinging your sword?
– The fundamentals of swordsmanship stem from the lower body, and without established fundamentals, even the most exquisite techniques will devolve into mere slashing. The reason you’re struggling against the wall right now is precisely that.
She had thought it nonsense. Fueled by youthful arrogance, and wanting to show off in front of a girl, she had deemed his comments as mere bluster.
…Yes. Had she not accepted his advice, she likely wouldn’t have escaped from that initial prejudice until this very moment, had she not reached the level of Master.
“Sleep well, sleep well, while singing a song—”
Back during Magical Beast Practice, when she was brimming with confidence to the point of believing the world revolved around her as she reached the level of Master.
And just then, suffering from unexpected injuries while being threatened by an Ogre.
At that time too, Jin had saved her.
Even in his weak state, his body shattered from the recoil of the technique he had used, he had rushed to her without a moment’s hesitation and protected her until the very last instant.
Facing the Ogre, he did not even look back, presenting a truly upright and valiant figure.
Unbeknownst to her, Altina found herself captivated by the sight of his back.
Even now, the image of that back lingered in her memory, as if it were engraved there like a burning brand.
“Like a gentle fluttering, as a butterfly dances—”
On the day of the duel practice, when she had foolishly challenged Erekaya but was now filled with fear and restlessness, consumed by anxiety.
– Winning or losing isn’t what matters. What’s truly important is what you can learn from today’s competition. So the only thing you should worry about right now is one thing.
– Give it your all. Regardless of victory or defeat, and so that you hold no regrets later on.
At that moment, Jin had been there for Altina.
Not beside Erekaya, but by her side, gently stroking her hair and whispering words of encouragement solely for her.
When everyone assumed she would lose, when the world didn’t even consider her victory, and when she herself harbored subconscious thoughts of defeat—
Only he was there, becoming her ally and voicing her triumph.
Though he didn’t say it outright, she couldn’t express how joyful it made her feel.
It was just… nice. Everything was nice, even the way he lovingly stroked her hair—everything.
“The breeze softly descends upon you…”
And yet it hurts. The fact that you are suffering and losing consciousness because of me, the pain you endure feels like my own.
It isn’t just that you evoke a sense of familiarity and nostalgia within me, resonating something deep in my heart.
At this very moment, I carry you—this person called Jin—within me, embracing the man that you are.
Perhaps that’s why, amid this pain, I feel a tinge of joy.
The realization that you care for me to the extent of neglecting your own well-being fills my heart with overwhelming emotion.
If you knew I was harboring such thoughts, what would you say?
Would you condemn me for being a cunning and crafty woman?
Or would you, as you have always done, continue to cherish me and stay by my side as if nothing were wrong?
…I don’t know. However, one thing I feel certain of is this:
The mere fact that I’m sharing this space and time with you brings such peace to my heart.
“O heavens, to my beloved dear…”
Ah, now that I think about it, I have always been the one receiving something from you.
I have never been able to reciprocate even once.
I’ve been suppressing my own weakness, wanting to give back even a little of what you’ve given me, remaining by your side—
Yet, in the end, I’ve only managed to take more from you.
You have thrown yourself into danger for me, while I can do nothing but be a pathetic, insignificant woman stroking your head next to you.
All I can do is sing you lullabies to help you sleep peacefully and offer my knees for your rest.
Is it really appropriate for someone like me to be by your side?
“Grant me deep grace…”
I raise my hand slightly, gently brushing Jin’s head with my fingers.
This is the first time. The first time I’ve sung a lullaby to another man.
This is the first time. The first time I’ve lent my knee to another man.
This is the first time. The first time I’ve stroked another man’s hair.
The head I’m stroking for the first time feels surprisingly soft and pleasant to the touch.
This is my retribution for all those times.
Even when I told you not to, you always indulged yourself in stroking my hair, so perhaps this is within the acceptable range.
If I were to reason this way, then maybe your injuries aren’t entirely a bad thing.
At this moment, I alone can have exclusive access to you, this man.
“My dear… my dear one…”
Yes, at this moment, only you and I exist.
No one else is here. There are no other women to disrupt or separate us as usual.
In this space, on this bed, it’s only the two of us.
Therefore, a slight deviation is surely permissible.
“…Ah.”
I cautiously raise my trembling hand and gently caress his cheek.
This isn’t my first time making physical contact with him. I have had hundreds of experiences of physical contact through sparring and sharing swords.
But right now, my heart races as if it were my first contact with a man. My heart pounds uncontrollably, filling this world with the sound of my own thumping.
I want to run away. I yearn to rise from this place and hide away where no one, including him, can see me.
But I cannot do that.
If I were to flee from here, and if I were to turn away from my heart and fail to take that final step—
Altina von Rudel Seryas would regret being such a coward until the moment of her death.
“…Jin.”
I gently lift his head, which is resting on my knee. Looking at the tranquil and warm smile gracing his face, it seems he must be dreaming something good.
Thus, I make a bold wish in my heart.
I hope that in the dream you’re having, the presence of me brings you such a soothing smile.
In your dream, I want to be the one who grants you peace.
“I—”
I muster my courage, lean in closer, and softly press my lips against his sleeping ones.
There are no other thoughts. No excuses, no rationalizations, no equivocations.
With all sincerity, I pour my heart into this whisper directed at him.
Though this is merely a selfish murmur for now, next time I shall formally confess—
“I like you.”
Right now, in this moment, I secretly confess my love to you.
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