Chapter: 191
Reflections.
What have my footprints been like?
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#1: The Prince, the Flower, and the Resistance
The Second Prince of the Empire, Irid Crown.
He experienced a passionate love affair with the Resistance woman, Centra, whom he met by chance.
In less than a week, he fell in love, shared sweet words, faced tragedies, and burned with emotions. Then, he punctuated his story with a farewell.
I immensely enjoyed watching his over-immersion. The thrill of possibly getting in trouble while toying with an imperial prince, mixed with the delight of him relishing my narrative, sent my dopamine levels soaring.
While I pretended otherwise, I can’t deny that there was a sinister and dark desire within me that reveled in manipulating human emotions…
This was the moment I realized that my isekai TRPG plan wasn’t misguided after all.
This is it. It’s so fun.
What if he played with a little less immersion and a bit more dullness? Even so, I would have continued on this hobby path silently, but I might have been somewhat passive instead.
No, maybe not. Would I… have still clung to TRPGs?
Hmm.
Now, reflecting on the first story, I notice aspects I’d once glanced over.
Irid Crown is a man of strong resolve.
Isn’t that right? He threw himself wholeheartedly into saving the one he loves. Caught up in emotions, yet not irrational.
He didn’t panic and call a think tank. He weighed the penalties of his feelings and actions appropriately, shouldered them, and reached his conclusions.
At that time, didn’t he even invite Elaine, with whom he had a poor relationship? Even though all the accusations against her were misunderstandings, it was a tremendous decision from Irid’s standpoint back then.
She was regarded as a cruel woman who could kill her family for the sake of power, while also being a significant rival in the battle for the throne.
In the end, after all that effort… he saved her.
He didn’t save her through fairy tales.
He wasn’t consumed by his emotions; his soul didn’t become tainted.
Even in that moment of a hundred-year intersection, he let regret and frustration flow from his eyes… and ultimately overcame them. He moved forward for the lingering rosemary fragrance in his heart.
He vowed to gift her a peaceful empire a hundred years in the future.
While I didn’t know his strength then, it was only after being terrified of losing Yuli Lanster and getting smacked from behind by the queen that I finally understood his greatness.
What would I have done? Ultimately, if I had to part ways with her forever, unable to meet or even share warmth… it’s obvious. I’d likely end up shattered like a broken plate.
Or perhaps I’d be completely swept away, turning pitch black.
The strength of bearing such a heavy heart in silence.
From him, I saw the righteous path.
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#2: A Thousand-Mile Escape
The First Princess of the Empire, Elaine Crown.
She met a young boy in the wasteland, but… there was no love. No friendship, and the conflict she faced was solely her own wedge. It was a rather peculiar occurrence in the palace.
Now I know that something once dwelling in the First Prince has become part of me as well. If there are two such strange phenomena in this world, it must be all the more grim.
I wanted to talk about the session, but honestly, I have little to say. She didn’t even glance at what I prepared. The Perro or whatnot ended up being just a traveling companion.
Conversely, that means… the sweetness and trials I laid out for her posed no obstacles whatsoever. Thus… it wasn’t fun. She didn’t struggle that much at all.
Elaine Crown is a strong woman.
She rose up and ultimately broke through the tragedies of her childhood with her belief that she must do it herself. Just a little poke at her inflated heart allowed her to understand and correct her own decisiveness.
Even Roderus retained his previous abilities, with several utilities added, while Elaine completely removed the self-harm option from the fairy tale.
Perhaps… she continuously pondered over it. So with just a little trigger, she was able to change her mind. Among those I’ve seen, she is the closest to a true iron woman.
If she had that mindset, could she have still overcome it?
The strength of overcoming and breaking through the heart.
From her, I saw the path of dominance.
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#3: The Resentment That Wishes on a Star
The black mage, Bennett Hilton.
He fell into a wicked city where an evil god’s descent was being prepared by cultists, overcame dangers with friends, and saved the world.
There was much pain within this short paragraph. I created it that way. I sincerely apologize to those three who had to face my malice head-on.
It was an immense joy, after all.
Yuna probably felt the heightened malice too. She always worried about my corruption and kept watch on my every move.
It’s no coincidence that Yuna launched her “operation” to eliminate that at that timing. Leaving aside her lack of experience in leading the story… if she hadn’t pushed forward the plan…
How much torment would I have inflicted on the three?
Well, maybe I had Isaac appear riding a skeletal horse with Abraham’s head… or perhaps someone would have had to sacrifice themselves to save the world.
Two hearts crumbled while one steadied himself. He accepted his mistakes, embraced his desires, and moved forward with resolution. To avoid losing himself.
It’s impressive he managed to steady himself. According to session data, he didn’t receive help from any NPC.
He dashed out to explore a dungeon mid-way. Did he perhaps meet some noble person during that time?
People have inertia. If you deceive your heart long enough, it becomes the truth. Overcoming that inertia, stopping, and heading onto the right path is an immensely difficult task…
I can vaguely feel it. I too have lived until now, but mostly toasty and casually, while burying my head in the sand like an ostrich.
Can I turn my path toward the right one like that?
The strength of a heart that moves forward even amid anguish.
From him, I saw the path of revival.
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#4: Do Butterflies Dream of Becoming Magical Girls?
The assassin, Roderus Redburn.
He got caught up in a major ruckus and became a magical girl. Initially, it was all about trying to evade the situation, but he eventually recognized the value of life with his friends and ended up saving the world as a magical girl.
Holding a person’s heart captive through strange indoctrination—there’s no poison more lethal than happiness. He was wildly shaken as he swung back and forth.
Confusion of gender reversal, the disparity between a joyful dream and an unhappy reality.
If he had stubbornly clung to his misguided beliefs until the end, my darker self would have been well satisfied. I’ve even prepared a finale for such a fool.
Forcing his own happiness to be smashed by his own hands. If he could stab Kim Lulu’s heart with a rapier and wholeheartedly feel that his selfishness had severed a future where everyone could have been happy, it would have been perfect.
But thankfully, he turned out to be kinder than expected. I can only be grateful for that. If he didn’t repent, the saga would have ended in tragedy. My internal malice would have bloomed fully.
Yet, I feel no remorse.
He’s not someone who’d extend courtesy to create his chance at my life. If anything, he should be thanking me.
I saved his life, ensured he got a hot girlfriend, made him a TS, opened his eyes to other gender walls, and basically did nothing but good for him, right?
So, we’re even.
Still… at the very last moment, gathering his crumbling heart and ultimately standing up for a friend—I found that incredibly impressive.
If that’s the case, would he try to stand up for his friends even when faced with the same situation as mine?
The strength of a heart that stands back up, even when it breaks.
From him, I saw the righteous path.
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#Side Story: The Murim Journey
This story can be seen as the result of my efforts, worries, and guilt. I suppressed myself fully. As a result, no allies met their doom here.
I only slightly touched Enbus’s heart.
Yet, there remains disappointment. If Namgung Myung had died, it might have made for a better story. Or perhaps ignoring the existence of Luna and pushing Namgung Seung Ah as the main instead.
So, it seems the change in him wasn’t due to my story but thanks to the friends who flocked around him.
Honestly, how can I wrap it up? I tolerated him for so long. Even if I had a tough time with Shadow Bennett, there’s a reason I popped Namgung Cheong Hwi’s head like a piñata.
But I learned that it is people who change other people.
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…Alright.
Everyone comes to a moment to decide the path of their hearts.
The stagnation is over, and what I need now is a path forward.
The protagonists I’ve created have each followed their own paths. Even if they found themselves in varied circumstances, they would ultimately act the same. They’d shoulder burdens, break through, reflect, and rise again.
Could I borrow their paths?
Or should I follow their trajectories and forge a new one?
Countless forks in the road lay before my eyes. The path I must take moving forward, and I must choose one from among them. I open my eyes wide and scrutinize carefully.
⋯⋯⋯⋯.
To the left, there’s a distinctly noticeable path of pure white.
The path of embrace and compassion. Understanding the pain and anxieties of others, prioritizing them over myself, and shedding a sunlight-like benevolence on others’ realization.
And there seemed to be footsteps left behind, as if someone had walked ahead of me on this road.
It might sound a bit strange, but… this feels like a path I ‘walked.’ Though I haven’t chosen a path yet, a vague intuition lingers within me, like déjà vu.
⋯⋯⋯⋯.
To the far right lies a muddy black path.
The path of self-righteousness and narcissism. Observing human joy and sorrow from a step away, prioritizing myself over others, while treating them as figures for my enjoyment in this beautiful world.
And there lay scattered broken dragon scales.
I somehow… knew that at the end of this path lies indescribable pleasure. The kind of days filled with a sense of omnipotence and dopamine, playing with the world like a toy.
⋯⋯⋯⋯.
I.
Didn’t like either of them.
I wish to live in a bright world with those I love. Yet, I want to utterly crush those who would harm my loved ones.
I want to live happily and joyfully by any means necessary. Yet, I want to uphold the minimal line that keeps me human.
I want to be a good person. But I don’t want to be bound by such trivial things.
I want to enjoy games. But I want to live in reality.
I’ve been confused all along.
I couldn’t discern what to affirm and what to negate. If I love someone honest to my desires, I must also listen to that voice wanting to break and manipulate others.
Should I drop all desires and chase after a grand cause, trying to love everything in the world? Then I would be incapable of giving them the love they deserve and have to forgo the joy of my own life.
A boy holding dice, where angels and demons take turns whispering.
That was me. That was the me I faced.
Be good. Be evil. Between those agonizing whispers.
“Of course, all of your stories had happy endings, didn’t they?”
Yuli’s words echoed through my mind.
…Perhaps, the answer might be closer than I expected.
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The paths I reflected upon all reach the same destination.
I faced my heart and fought, ultimately winning.
Even amid torment, I moved toward what I deemed right.
I gazed at the dice I held and vaguely understood. My simple yet chaotic hobbies… will become my discipline.
Rumble. I rolled them.
As I rolled the dice, the trajectory they made became a line, a path.
To the left is reality, to the right is the game.
I won’t deny my desires. I have yearnings. A mean, spiteful brat within me takes pleasure in tormenting people. I acknowledge that.
But that will be merely a game. I will bind it.
I will affirm my desires. I have dreams. The child within me, wishing to love those I adore and dream of paradise, exists. I acknowledge that.
But that will become reality. I will make it happen.
I am weak. So weak that I will make a fuss over the tiniest emotional upheaval. Perhaps I’ll stumble, wander, or stray from the path I’ve created. I know that will happen a few times. I’m aware.
But I made my decision. I resolved it. I will strive.
If some compulsion of mine becomes a burden, I’ll accept it and turn it into a tale. Just as a caterpillar, after enduring hardship, transforms into a butterfly.
If any desire of mine brings pain to someone else, I’ll beautifully transmute it, just as I’ve managed to do so far.
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“⋯⋯⋯⋯.”
The colors of my heart waver in my hand.
The white and black alternate to appear gray. It has no soul to stain; it merely quivers in the void.
This is my fairy tale… in the making.
For now, it’s merely an application of reversing the fairy tale, by attaching it to someone else’s soul. I suppose it should be called an extra module of the fairy tale.
If painted pitch black, it will strengthen the aggressiveness of the fairy tale, while painting it pure white will enhance its supportive aspect, a new… technique.
How will this change “Divine Subjugation”?
Yuri and I instinctively understood its effect.
If Yuli Lanster’s fairy tale was darkly painted, a decisive blow could be dealt to the Succubus Queen. However, to do so, we’d have to sacrifice something.
“⋯⋯It’s alright.”
Yuri smiled, assuring me it was fine. I hesitated momentarily but eventually nodded.
We may lose one thing, but it’s something we can surely reclaim. Then let’s do it. Let’s resolve ourselves for a happy ending.
We shall kill the white queen.
With this, I will devise a scenario. A session dealing with two players trapped in a strange mind space as they defeat the queen and escape outside.
The title will be “The Love of the Succubus.”
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