Chapter: 190
In the hometown village of Yuli Lanster, there was a Flower Hill where flowers bloomed beautifully, and young Yuli absolutely loved playing there.
The villagers and her friends didn’t know about the charming hill. It was Yuli’s secret hideout, you could say.
Amidst smelling the flowers and making flower crowns, one day, a pure white woman appeared on the Flower Hill. Young Yuli was a bit frightened at first, but she soon opened her heart to the woman’s gentle smile and voice.
“I called her ‘sister’ and followed her.”
The white woman shared heartbreaking love stories from the outside world, while Yuli recounted little things happening in the village.
The woman joyfully listened to even trivial stories, like how the little kids were playing soldier games, never belittling Yuli, but instead paying close attention as if she were right there with her.
She asked Yuli to keep her existence a secret, and Yuli complied. After all, she was Yuli’s secret friend.
A secret friend in a secret hideout—enough to make a young heart flutter.
Also, surprisingly, she was ‘a Succubus from the outside world.’ The village elders warned that finding a Succubus outside the village was very dangerous, and one should inform them immediately…
But they never explained exactly why, and to Yuli, she didn’t seem like a bad person.
The white woman said she had been chased away and ostracized by other Succubi. She cried, saying she was looking for a place to stay.
Yuli boldly offered that it was fine to stay in her village. It was a good village where humans and Dream Demons coexisted nicely.
Upon hearing that, she said──
“I want you to introduce me to the villagers.”
Yet, she was scared they might not accept her. She begged for a chance to meet them in dreams.
For Yuli and her friends, visiting in dreams wasn’t odd. If her mom made too much mashed potatoes, she would sneak into her friend’s dream to whisper about coming for a share.
So…
Yuli lit the candle given to her by the white woman and opened the window.
The Common Mental Barrier that the villagers had created in fear of the Succubus Queen’s pursuit could not resist the door opened from within.
What followed was quite predictable.
“The village crumbled in an instant.”
The light of that day flickered in Yuli Lanster’s eyes as she recalled her village succumbing to the Queen’s deception, witnessing everything while being the only one left alive.
A deep red glow of furious rage radiated from her heart.
The queen unleashed the Succubi of the village. She broke their instincts free while keeping their consciousness clear, rendering them unable to suppress their primal sexual desires.
“Neighbors violated each other, friends exploited each other, and the exploited ones died… The Succubi, who had killed their village comrades, ended their own lives.”
But she kept only Yuli alive.
“Thank you for inviting me,” she said, protecting Yuli delicately so as not to harm a single finger. “Hurting oneself is bad,” she admonished, driving a wedge into her psyche to prevent any thought of suicide.
When Yuli cried out, asking why, the queen replied far too lightly.
“I heard there’s a Succubus living in a faraway mountain village with humans. Isn’t that strange? That a being like me could have a heart… So, I decided to test it a little.”
Just a simple allure led to this outcome, she remarked, advocating that a Dream Demon should live like one, and gently advised Yuli.
“So don’t worry about trivial feelings and live according to instinct? Devour many people.”
“Uuuaaaah—!!”
Young Yuli swore on the spot.
All because of me, everyone died, and if I had to die alongside them…
Then this guilty life, which accidentally killed all the villagers, shall be used to butcher the queen. If I must die, I shall kill her. If I can’t even do that, I won’t be able to face my friends and family again…
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The darkened Yuli Lanster spoke flatly.
“I have decided to only seek revenge. And at some point, I thought emotions were just too heavy. That’s why I decided to sink them down.”
To discard the unnecessary emotions that sprang up.
Happiness or affection, friendship and belonging, ethics and morals—all the good things would be thrown down there. I don’t deserve to enjoy these.
Pain and sorrow, loneliness and guilt would also be cast down. I have no time to be bound by them.
I shall take only rage as the guiding principle of my life.
Thus, her tale is one where rage is kept and sinks without restraint.
“… Still, when you met me, you were playful and a bit more relaxed, weren’t you?”
“It was thanks to C. She seemed to want me to let go of my revenge. The queen is elusive and can’t be caught. Unless some genius appears to develop wide-area detection magic, tracking her down and killing her is exceedingly difficult… That’s what she told me.”
And it was true. The Defense Bureau diligently collected information on the queen, but they had never managed to gain tangible results. It remained unclear whether she was alive or dead.
Hence, C persuaded Yuli with the following words.
If revenge is ultimately unattainable, isn’t it better to seek atonement for the villagers in another way? For instance, by living happily.
Fatigued Yuli Lanster gradually, just a bit, relaxed.
She moved from the extermination squad to a field agent position in the Defense Bureau, peeled off the guise of a fierce wolf, and slowly melted her anger away.
She reflected.
“… Perhaps, I just needed a justification to escape my guilt. If I were truly strong-hearted, I wouldn’t have given up on revenge in any circumstance.”
“Don’t say that. It hurts.”
“Indeed, we are connected right now. My apologies.”
“No, even if we weren’t tied like this, it would hurt. And really, it wasn’t your fault.”
Thank you, Yuli smiled as if grateful.
The information about the queen that rekindled the slowly cooling Yuli Lanster’s rage was delivered by none other than me.
A genius magician capable of a direct showdown with the queen in an information war existed.
I captured the dark wizard’s head and aimlessly handed the Succubus over, allowing Yuli Lanster to finally have a chance for vengeance.
The very reason she had given up on revenge was that it was ‘impossible,’ and now that it had become possible, she had no place to run. Yuli had to choose, and so…
Did she sense my guilt? Yuli decisively cut me off. It wasn’t my fault.
“You didn’t spur me on, mad wizard. I made this choice.”
“… I should have realized it sooner.”
I should have kept the queen’s accomplices well hidden, handling it alone… No, if that had been the case, I might have ended up like Yuli—trapped all alone.
“There was a chance. It was her madness to bring such odd things.”
“Even if you say that after being taken in, it’s still…”
“Wasn’t it the same for you, falling head over heels for me in this form?”
“Then why don’t you stop being so attractive?!”
===============================================================
“So, what about you?”
“… Me?”
Yuli Lanster nodded. I was unsure of what she was asking, tilting my head and observing her quietly.
As curious as I had been about her past, she seemed to have something to say about why she chose to seek revenge instead of leaving it to me.
“Why don’t you accept the heart of the Tower Master?”
“Wha…?”
I felt a jolt deep within myself, causing my body to shrink. Yet somehow, the fact that my life hung in the balance eased my tension bit by bit.
In a moment like this, I could say anything or everything.
While I calmed myself, Yuli Lanster began to express her question verbally. It was about her perspective of the “mad wizard.”
“I can understand. Your species is a Dream Demon, and we’ve spent such a short time together; it felt more like friendship than a romantic connection. But… the Tower Master is different, isn’t she?”
“…”
“You can’t simply pretend to be ignorant. You show signs that you know, yet knowing the Tower Master lives within your heart, you never take it a step further. Why is that?”
Would I respond that it was because I didn’t know love?
“The person who disguises herself as a woman and is so skilled at luring men? If truly you didn’t know, I’d assume you were born from a harlot.”
“…”
“So I was teasing. That confession line stunk, but it was fake to the core.”
It wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t entirely true either. It was a funny topic that someone so immersed in romantic sessions would claim ignorance of its mechanics.
Caring for each other, feeling those emotions, suppressing lust, and feeling uneasy when apart—what would you call all of that? I knew. I was aware.
But I held it back.
“You don’t lack capacity, nor is the situation constraining you. So if it’s not that you disliked the Tower Master… what is it? Is it emotional management?”
“No.”
“Or perhaps there’s something that takes precedence over your feelings. But that’s strange, too. You set everything aside to come and save me. Even going as far as laying down your life.”
“… That was true.”
Thinking of excluding emotions makes it sound like I was the type to be swayed. Yet still, while I attempted to repress my emotions with every means, it was not surprising to be viewed strangely.
The reason I suppressed myself extensively was simple.
I’m going mad.
===============================================================
It is an old ailment that accompanies the phenomenon of not remembering names.
To be honest, I revel in people’s suffering. I feel an overwhelming pleasure that makes my spine tingle. It’s a deep-rooted malignancy.
I enjoy stories where lovers part due to tragic fates.
I enjoy tales where one must confront their past scars.
I enjoy stories of losing one’s way under the weight of their own morals.
I enjoy tales of realizing one’s love after losing someone dear.
I enjoy tales of regretting one’s actions.
I enjoy stories where, after fierce battles, one loses their cherished friends.
I have woven tragedy into most of my narratives. Adversity and hardship are always necessary… wrapped in a fine cover, but that doesn’t mean the shape had to entail permanent loss. Yet I chose that path.
They needn’t believe this story to be reality. Yet, I made them believe it. I wished to see their pure immersion in pain.
I peered deeply into their hearts, plunging the knife into their tender and weak spots. Then, putting on an angelic facade, I’d say,
“Overcome it.”
“That was a trial meant for you.”
But deep down, I knew. I simply… did it for fun. I found great joy in forming a deep attachment to the players I encountered for the first time.
There exists a devil who laughs merrily at the tragedies of others.
I was terrified of that. My own heart frightened me. I could properly love, respect, and empathize with others… but the duality of being able to mock all of those sentiments scared me to no end.
It felt like someone had sewn something profoundly sinister onto my desires. No matter how much I screamed that it wasn’t me, I couldn’t deny that we had already become one.
It had been directed at the prince and princess who grasped power. It was directed at the students I was meant to teach. Perhaps I felt an anxiety that I couldn’t control it.
No, I felt threatened.
What if that arrow were aimed at the people I cared for?
What if I awaited the day I shattered Yuna with my own hands…!
One day, when I look at the notebook I used, my own dreadful plans are scrawled in my handwriting. Inquiries about what it would be like if these petty fantasies actually unfolded.
Encouraging competition among the students, pushing them to sharp thinking by creating serendipitous accidents, and placing bets on when they would shatter into pieces.
And then, and then…
There was a time when I gazed hungrily at Yuna as she slept with her head on my knee. As if I had become another person… continuously. Then, I was tempted to sneak a cut across her carotid.
If I gently stroked her cheeks to wake her up, what expression would she have when she realizes she’s dying?
Such an ending would be a hard pill to swallow!
I wavered. I struggled. I endeavored to soothe the wicked part of my heart, twisting stories to make tragedy beautiful. So I could laugh once the curtains fell.
There came a time when I tried to suppress my wickedness, to exclude it considerably.
I sought a breakthrough. Bestowing noble beliefs to the NPCs of the story, I watched how they navigated through darkness.
But look. I have not changed!
So I suppressed myself. I felt nothing. It was as though an entire city was stuffed into my mind. Yet, here I am, contemplating yet another session.
Since my reincarnation into this world, I don’t think I’ve ever deeply contemplated emotions. No, I haven’t faced them at all. Hence…
I have been afraid that confronting them would lead to accepting this wickedness.
What if ‘that thing’ in my mind was truly me?
As Pinkvalez said, and many others too…
It was the reason why I did not deny being called the ‘mad wizard.’
===============================================================
Black liquid drips from my disheveled face. I can’t tell whether it’s tears or melted information. I don’t want to distinguish.
While scratching at my skin, I confessed.
Yuli Lanster, curled up beside me and tugging at her hair with both hands, cautiously began to speak up. Jokingly.
“Well, then, you must be having a lot of fun. Your favorite person beside you is melting away.”
“…To be honest, it’s a bit arousing.”
“…”
Still, even Pinkvalez, the queen of banter, made a disgruntled expression at this comment. I know. Perhaps it would’ve been better not to bring up such talks. I slightly regret it.
Maybe it would have been better to keep the ugly parts hidden.
But perhaps, because it was close to death, because it was my last words. I wanted to say something.
After a long while of silence, Yuli spoke cautiously…
“Would it be alright?”
“…To use you as a toy?”
“Of course not! I mean, it’s quite the contrary. I’m saying that, considering you’re a mad wizard, you’ve been doing a rather good job. After all, all your stories have ended happily.”
“…”
I’m not as careless as to let my revenge consume me. Yuli Lanster laughed bitterly, as if in self-reproach. I patted her back, insisting otherwise.
“Eventually, we were both… balancing on a tightrope. You between good and evil, and I between revenge and daily life. There’s a reason we became friends.”
“They say fools easily burst into laughter upon seeing each other.”
“If this is my last will, then I’d be satisfied with this. We’ve had our confessions, and with lightened hearts, we can go to our graves… but.”
But, is it really the end?
Yuli Lanster had a slightly smug expression as if saying that.
If we had completely lost and had been rendered powerless to resist, ending here would be fine. But we were preparing for the final battle against the queen.
If somehow, we win that unfavorable battle and manage to get outside…
Then, something will be needed next. We had to require something from each other.
“You should value us more than revenge. We will become greater joy than the pain of loss.”
“You should face the devil in your heart firmly. We’ll serve as a breakwater to prevent you from straying. Even if absent now, the Tower Master would certainly do so.”
“…This doesn’t quite sound like final words.”
“Let’s consider it the queen’s last words. After all, there’s no one left to leave anything behind for.”
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…Will you accept this? That a mad wizard with a loose screw in his head?
If so. Then…
What if I look deep into the well, worried I might get swallowed up, frightened that the monster below might drag me down… if you say you will watch over me.
Could I face this heart of mine that I’ve merely been fleeing from all this time?
I reflected on my story. Alongside the story I created.
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