Chapter 162: Unshakeable Hawthorn (3)
As soon as I arrived in the classroom, I slumped over my desk. Lately, I feel drained and utterly unmotivated.
How haven’t I seen him even once?
Ever since the second semester began, I haven’t had the chance to meet Carl oppa. It feels like the time we spent together during the break has been subtracted from this semester. Seriously, Enen is being unreasonably harsh. It seems so committed to making life difficult for the beings it governs.
And it’s not even just a series of unfortunate coincidences that are keeping us apart. It’s legitimate reasons that are making it all the more exasperating. And where on earth could I vent my frustrations?
If only we were in the same club!
I’ve been thinking that every single day since the second semester started. I should have just signed up for the pastry club when Louise mentioned she was starting it. Who could’ve imagined it would end up like this?
Last semester, even though I was in the gardening club, I could visit the pastry club frequently to see him. But that was just because the gardening club happened to have a relaxed schedule, and my seniors were accommodating.
“You know how busy it gets at the start of the semester. Just hold on a little longer.”
“Yes, senpai.”
Of course, if the club is busy, such considerations can’t be expected. The beginning of the semester is when club activities pile up, and the same was true last semester too. Back then, avoiding oppa didn’t pose any issues.
In the end, it all comes down to the club. This tragedy is happening solely because I’m stuck in the gardening club instead of the pastry club.
I can’t just drop out now, can I?
The more I think about it, the more helpless I feel.
Clubs at the academy aren’t just spaces for sharing hobbies; they’re actual social platforms! These clubs have histories that span decades or even centuries. The number of alumni scattered throughout the empire reflects that.
And to unilaterally leave such a social network after having voluntarily joined? I would undoubtedly find myself on the bad side of many seniors. If I hadn’t joined a club at all, I’d have no allies or enemies, but leaving after joining would only make enemies.
Just hold on a little longer.
Yes, I just have to endure. No matter how overwhelming it may feel, it will eventually come to an end. And once it does, I’ll finally get to see him again.
…Will it be the same next year?
But the thought suddenly plunged me into further despair. I was trying to keep a positive mindset, and now it feels utterly ruined.
As my gloom engulfed me, I yearned to just give up entirely. If I felt this way in the morning, I’d surely feel like this till night. Today is ruined; I’d better just sleep it off.
I want to leave early.
Should I fake an illness and go home? Honestly, feeling heartbroken counts as being sick too, right?
While I was plotting this little escape plan, someone tapped my shoulder.
“Irina, are you asleep?”
I hadn’t even lifted my head, but just hearing that voice was enough to know who it was. It was Louise.
I thought of pretending to be asleep, but she must be calling me for something important. Plus, I didn’t want to ignore Louise.
“No, I was just lying down.”
“Are you feeling unwell?”
I lifted my head slightly and saw Louise looking at me with worry. My gloomy mood lifted just a notch.
“I’m fine. Just a little tired.”
“Really? That’s good to hear.”
Seeing her wide smile made me smile too. Thanks to her, my heart felt a tiny bit more at peace—
“Can you come out for a bit? I need to talk to you.”
Huh?
It was a sudden request, but I didn’t refuse. We weren’t going far, just a quick trip to a quiet spot.
Plus, Louise rarely asked for secret conversations. I was curious about what she wanted to discuss, but also a bit anxious. It couldn’t be something serious, right?
I’ve never been to this place before.
Following Louise, we arrived at a location I’d never seen. The academy was so vast; there were many hidden nooks that students didn’t know about. It was isolated and quiet, truly a spot no one would discover.
Wow, she knows some secret spots. This really seemed like the perfect place for a private talk.
As I was looking around, Louise spoke up.
“Isn’t it beautiful? I heard about this place from a senior.”
“Yeah, it’s beautiful.”
The area was dotted with flowers, and I couldn’t tell if they had bloomed naturally or if someone was tending to them. They were even prettier than a well-maintained flowerbed!
I relaxed as we admired the flowers. I didn’t know why Louise had brought me here, but I certainly couldn’t act stiff while she was trusting me enough to talk. I had to give her that trust in return.
“Hey, Irina. There’s something I want to ask you.”
I braced myself, realizing that this conversation might be tough for her. No matter what she said, I promised I wouldn’t let it destabilize me.
“Why did you give oppa a hawthorn plant as a gift?”
Oh.
My resolve crumbled in an instant.
“T-That?”
I tried my hardest to respond casually, but my voice trembled.
It wasn’t even a recent gift; it was from last semester. It wasn’t a secret, either. But why out of the blue is she asking about it now?
Did she catch on?
My heart raced. Louise wouldn’t ask if she thought it was a regular gift. She must have figured something out.
And that gift had only one hidden meaning.
My only love!
The meaning of the hawthorn’s flower language made my hands quiver. Even though that wasn’t the exact meaning I intended, the hawthorn is famously known for representing one’s only love.
Someone else found out. That embarrassing, forced confession has been completely exposed! I felt like I might just dash out of there right then and there.
No, don’t panic!
Stay calm. When I think about it, being found out isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Yeah, it’s embarrassing and awkward. I haven’t even confessed to him yet, and now someone else knows my feelings. But what’s wrong with liking someone? There’s nothing wrong with that at all!
“I chose it because I liked its meaning. I doubt he knows about it, though.”
Even though I’m still too scared to be honest with him, I don’t want to deceive others.
“The flower language of the hawthorn means my only love.”
So I said it boldly.
“To me, he’s exactly that.”
It is oddly strange that the first person I’m confessing this to is Louise and not oppa.
But I figured it was fine since it’s Louise. It’s normal to seek advice from a close friend about love, right?
—Grit.
What was that sound?
*
I couldn’t help but grind my teeth at Irina’s confession.
Of course, she liked oppa too. I had hoped that wasn’t the case and that it was merely my misinterpretation.
She liked him first!
No matter how I analyze it, from the instant she gifted him the hawthorn, she must have already harbored feelings for him. And this was before I even realized my own feelings during the break!
An inexplicable fury began to seep into my heart. No, I understood why. It was infuriating to know that someone else was ahead of me in line, besides Senior.
I could possibly accept it if it were Senior. After all, it was her unless I had no choice.
You’ve been quiet, too!
Irina wasn’t as proactive as Senior. Just like me, she had remained silent and gifted him so many things.
But I was the first one to meet him!
I was the one who got close to him first!
I should have first dibs. I shouldn’t have to concede to anyone else—
“Louise, are you okay? You don’t look well.”
Irina’s concerned voice pulled me from my spiraling thoughts.
Seeing Irina’s face reminded me of all the moments we’ve shared: meeting her for the first time, becoming friends, hanging out, laughing together, and even fighting at times.
I’m such an idiot.
All that bitterness morphing in my chest turned into loathing for myself. How could I harbor such feelings toward Irina? How could I resent such a precious friend? Moreover, it was thanks to Irina that I even had a shot!
If it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t even be aware I had a chance! Even if it were the senpai who granted permission, the opportunity came from Irina. To harbor anger toward someone like her is notionally shameless.
Yes, shameless.
How ugly can I get?
Even I find my own behavior appalling. Foolish, cowardly, and utterly disgraceful. Why am I like this?
Despite how enraged I get, and no matter how much ambition I harbor, there are feelings that I shouldn’t indulge. Blinded by affection, I attempted to sacrifice a precious friendship that brought me bountiful gifts.
Even the question I asked earlier was ridiculous. Why on earth would I ask about the hawthorn? Is that something you ask a person who gave a gift? What right do I have to interrogate Irina?
Tears began to swell in my eyes.
*
I was taken aback. Anyone would be flustered in such a situation.
“I’m sorry, I’m so s-sorry…”
After standing there in a daze for a while, Louise suddenly burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably.
I couldn’t quite grasp what she was apologizing for. Regardless, it was my priority to calm her down, so I reassured her while dabbing her face dry.
“I— I also like him, and then you, Irina, just said you like him too…”
As I wiped her face with my handkerchief, she continued blubbering out a heartfelt confession.
So that’s what it was.
Piecing together her jumbled words allowed me to comprehend the situation.
It was jealousy. She was jealous because I liked the same person she did.
I can understand that. No matter how common polygamous relationships might be, it’s only natural to feel heartbroken when the man you love is with other women.
“It’s okay. You’ve been open about it.”
It takes a healthy approach to express that sorrow rather than keeping it bottled up, leading to unexpected lash-outs or cold negligence. Crying and venting feelings like this? Honestly a little cute.
That being said, it was unexpected. I thought if Louise was interested in someone, it would be one of the five.
“Really, I’m sorry. I messed up…”
“It’s really okay.”
When I unconsciously looked at Louise, she started sniffling again.
Why did she even ask me to come here if this was how it was going to turn out? It was impossible to tell if she was tough or delicate.
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