Chapter: 123
The worries never ceased. The concerns that started that day grew larger and refused to leave my mind.
‘What should I do?’
It was overwhelming. I never expected that the choice I made a year ago would have such devastating consequences.
Right after becoming a civil servant, marriage is difficult? What’s up with that? Can civil servants not marry freely? Why is the treatment of civil servants so harsh?
‘I should have looked into this more carefully.’
I let out a sigh, and honestly, I had lost count of how many times I had sighed. It was a choice made to stay close to Carl. But being close meant nothing more than just that—going further was impossible. So what’s the point? I wouldn’t have made that choice if I had known.
However, I couldn’t just quit the student council now. If I showed such irresponsibility and lack of determination, Mother might be disappointed.
Getting married right after becoming a civil servant was also out of the question. Ignoring the rules or customs among civil servants could make me appear as an arrogant daughter-in-law to Mother, someone who flaunts the power of the ducal family.
‘What should I do?’
No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t find a solution. Optimistically speaking, there was still a year and a half until graduation. But honestly, it was just a year and a half. Is there even a way to satisfy both Mother’s expectations and practicality during that time?
It was heartbreaking. I felt like I would cry if I relaxed even a little. I was so ashamed of myself for mistaking a fatal shackle for a treasure.
Could it be that Carl had been quiet so far because I was in the student council? Did he think I had no intention of marrying after graduation?
Thinking this, I couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh. How strange must I have looked in Carl’s eyes, like someone completely uninterested in marriage?
Perhaps it was time to make a bold decision. Even if it disappointed Mother, my priority should be Carl—
Knock knock—
“Mar, are you there?”
I jolted at the sudden sound of Carl’s voice. To suddenly be thinking of him only for him to show up… our relationship must truly be destined.
The problem was that I pushed him away with my mistake. Why did I do that? I wish I could turn back time.
“Yes, Sir Carl. Please come in.”
Though my mood was gloomy, I couldn’t send Carl away after he came all this way, so I cleared my throat and spoke up.
“I apologize for your sudden visit.”
“Hehe, but this is your mansion, Sir Carl. Why would you need to apologize?”
Seeing him apologize right after entering made me smile without meaning to.
But somehow, seeing Carl made my heart feel a bit lighter. Yes, no matter how troublesome the issue, I had to face it head-on. To be by Carl’s side, I had to overcome these trials.
“Please make yourself comfortable. Mother isn’t here, but shall we have a tea party just the two of us?”
I invited Carl to sit down and walked over to the teapot in the corner. It was always a hassle to call a servant, so I kept it in my room—convenience, you know!
“Um, Mar. There’s something important I need to tell you.”
But hearing Carl’s voice made me pivot back in his direction. His tone was unusually serious and weighed down.
He was still standing, looking overly tense and rigid. It was a sight I had never seen before, and it unnerved me.
“This might take a while.”
“That’s fine. I don’t mind how long it takes, so please just relax and tell me.”
That atmosphere made me tense up as well. What could he want to say?
Still, I couldn’t show Carl that I was nervous. I needed to respond with a calm expression so he could speak more comfortably—
“I was the one who told your mother that civil servants can’t get married right after starting work. That was a lie.”
What…?
“I did it to avoid being engaged to you. I’m sorry.”
…?
For a moment, my brain went blank.
*
It’s an undeniable fact that I shoved Marghetta away with that ridiculous lie. So, I had intended to start by apologizing for that.
“Sir Carl? Did I make a huge mistake? I’m so sorry, I really am. It wasn’t intentional! Please let me know what I did wrong, and I’ll fix it!”
Marghetta, who had been frozen in disbelief, quickly began to ramble and tremble. I felt a pang in my chest seeing tears welling up in her eyes.
But I felt compelled to apologize for my mistake. I couldn’t just brush it off, especially considering the hardships Marghetta had endured thanks to my talk of civil servants.
“Mar, you did nothing wrong. You’re truly a wonderful person.”
Despite my words of comfort, Marghetta’s trembling didn’t stop. That was understandable; compliments from someone who pushed her away would surely feel like empty platitudes.
“It was because I wasn’t ready to marry anyone.”
“Ready…?”
Marghetta asked this cautiously, and I nodded. I had said the same thing last year. I had rejected her back then too, claiming I wasn’t ready to be with someone.
And now, I was finally revealing the reason why I hadn’t been ready. Quite a revelation, though in a rather unfortunate sense.
“I was in love with someone else. We even promised to marry.”
At that, Marghetta’s eyes shook for a different reason. ‘Was,’ ‘promised.’ The meaning was glaringly clear.
“I wasn’t strong enough, so she left for Enen.”
That really meant, ‘not anymore.’
Oddly enough, after uttering those words, I felt nothing. I thought I would feel either relieved or regretful, but instead, it felt like stating something mundane, as casual as saying, ‘Dinner is steak tonight.’
That’s why I continued speaking without any hesitation.
“I loved her deeply. I almost went crazy when she left. Even though a string of misfortunes hit us, I was right there beside her, wishing she had relied on me more and hung in there.”
But what could I do? She lost most of her friends, people who were like family. Time had inflicted wounds that made movement difficult for her, too.
If Hecate had a family to care for, she might have hung on. But that family was gone. In her emptiness, Hecate must have feared becoming a burden to me, worried she’d drag me down.
I was okay with it. I could have spent a lifetime with her happily, regardless of her state… but she left.
“Over time, it dawned on me. I’m not someone who can be a pillar for anyone, and those close to me might leave one day.”
Even Hecate departed. It felt as if every ill fate was conspiring to take her away.
Could I guarantee that what occurred once wouldn’t happen again? Could I be sure Marghetta wouldn’t face a similar fate?
“That’s why I didn’t have the courage to be with you, Mar. If you left me too, enduring it twice would drive me insane.”
If it were to happen twice, a third time wouldn’t exist. I’d climb up to challenge Enen before that happened.
I then gazed into Marghetta’s tear-filled eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks, yet she didn’t shy away, locking her gaze with mine as if determined to hear me out until the very end.
Perhaps green really does soothe the heart. Or maybe it was just because I started opening up?
“…Honestly, I still haven’t forgotten her even after two years. She’s still vivid in my heart.”
I decided to be candid with Marghetta and shared how I still harbored feelings for someone who had left me.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you this last year, but here I am, finally confessing.”
Back then, I thought merely getting through that marriage discussion with Marghetta would suffice. I reasoned that a simple rejection would prevent any further encounters, so I never elaborated.
But that was merely an excuse. It might have held true back then, but now it didn’t. The moment I met Marghetta at the Academy, the moment she showed me undue kindness, even when Mother first showed interest in her—by that time, I should have spoken up.
“…I’m sorry, Mar.”
My head automatically bowed in shame. I had spoken too late to someone who had gazed at me for a whole year.
Even more to the point, my lengthy explanation turned out to be only a detailed refusal of Marghetta. Not a confession of acceptance but a long-winded rejection. How cruel, in a way.
“Sir Carl, can you raise your head?”
At her urging, I slowly lifted my face, only to feel her hand softly touch my cheek.
Well, that felt expected. Better to get slapped than to receive a gentle fondle, right?
But contrary to my expectations, her hand rested gently on my cheek, not met with a forceful force but with a tender touch.
“I’ll let this slide because it’s only been a year. Thankfully, it didn’t stretch to two years.”
With red eyes but a gentle smile, she took me off guard.
“Thank you. For trusting me and sharing this with me.”
“Mar.”
I was caught off guard by her expression of gratitude. I felt I didn’t deserve such kindness.
“Does anyone else know about this, Sir Carl?”
“The Minister and the Invincible Duke know, but I haven’t told anyone else… You’re the first I’ve come to personally.”
“So, you did trust me after all.”
Marghetta didn’t blame me for my year of silence. On the contrary, she seems grateful for finally having me speak, even if it took a long year.
How could she be so forgiving? I’d have likely lost it if I were in her shoes—demanding to know why I delayed so long.
“In fact, it hurt me every time Sir Carl put up a wall. I questioned why you were so resolute when I didn’t lack anything.”
“Mar.”
“There was a reason behind it. A reason I can completely understand now.”
Understanding the rationale behind someone pushing you away—especially if that someone happens to be the man you love. How miserable must it feel for Marghetta to voice such sentiments?
Yet, Marghetta continued to smile brightly as she spoke.
“Now, you’ll be honest with me, right, Sir Carl?”
At her words, I unwittingly nodded. I had laid everything bare. There was nothing left to hide, nor should there be. I owed it to Marghetta to be fully transparent. That’s just the right thing to do as human beings.
“If you take an honest and complete look at me, I’m confident about myself.”
In that instant, those words threw me off completely. I couldn’t respond.
“Someday, I’m sure I will find my place in Sir Carl’s heart.”
“Mar?”
“It’s probably out of the question right now, considering you’ve only just started revealing your wounds to me. But that’s alright.”
And then, Marghetta hugged me. It was so sudden, leaving me speechless, but I couldn’t bring myself to push her away.
Marghetta trembled ever so slightly in my embrace.
“I’ll wait for you. Until you’re comfortable. I’ll wait until then.”
“I’ll wait until you call me ‘Noona,’ and the chances of that happening are probably a hundred percent, right?”
I wrapped my arms around her back. It felt almost undeserved, but I wanted to do it.
“Hey, Mar. Can I ask you for a favor?”
I nestled my face into her shoulder.
“If it’s okay, rather than ‘Sir Carl’…”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at her.
“Could you just call me Carl?”
But I wasn’t ready to let go either.
“Of course, Carl.”
“One more time.”
“Yes, Carl.”
I was being selfish. Way too selfish.
“If you’d like me to call you that, Carl, then I’ll do it as often as you want.”
So, I’ll work on not being embarrassed by myself.
Very slowly, Marghetta’s shoulder, against which I had buried my face, began to feel slightly damp.
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