Chapter: 122
As soon as Oppa returned to the capital, he left for work. Being a civil servant is really a tough job. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him relaxed.
‘I definitely shouldn’t become a civil servant.’
I still haven’t decided on my career path after graduation, but for now, let’s steer clear of becoming a civil servant. I’m not as amazing as Oppa, and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
That’s why I worry about him every time I see him. He looks so exhausted, but I wonder how much worse it is in reality? Students at least have vacations, but Oppa doesn’t get any breaks.
‘Should I make something for him?’
I seriously thought about it. Back at the Academy, I used to make cookies with all sorts of medicinal herbs that were good for fatigue, but I haven’t done that since the vacation started. After all, it’s rude for guests to roam around the kitchen.
Actually, the butler said we could use the kitchen as much as we wanted now that we’re in the pastry club, but I still haven’t stepped foot in there. The mansion staff probably make meals that are better for Oppa than my cookies. I shouldn’t disturb the professionals for no reason.
But seeing Oppa buried in work makes me want to help him, even if just a little. Just for a short moment, being in the kitchen wouldn’t hurt, right?
“No one would say that it’s your fault.”
The voice that echoed in my ears made me hastily shake my head. That day, Oppa listened to my complaints and said the exact words I needed to hear.
Right, I still haven’t properly paid him back for that. I should at least express my gratitude before it’s too late.
That’s why the idea came to me. It’s because I haven’t repaid him for his kindness.
‘That’s all it is. There’s no other meaning.’
Even though there’s no one around to hear me, I found myself making excuses. Wait, it’s not an excuse at all.
I tried to calm my flushing face as I headed to the commercial district. The kitchen wouldn’t have the herbs I needed, anyway.
So, I quietly left the mansion and bought a ton of ingredients. I didn’t want to get caught and turn a task I could easily handle alone into one requiring a group.
“Oppa?”
“Yeah?”
And on my way back, I bumped into Oppa in front of the mansion’s main gate. It’s not exactly a street, but that’s where I saw him.
By the way, I didn’t expect to see him at this hour. Usually, he doesn’t come back until almost sunset.
‘I wanted to keep it a secret.’
I got caught before I could prepare the surprise gift. I deliberately chose a time when he wouldn’t be around, but here we are.
It seems Enen is scolding me for trying to hide anything from Oppa. After all, I’ve already spilled all my secrets—
‘No, it can’t be that.’
My thoughts were spiraling in a strange direction. This isn’t how it should be.
I can’t think straight because Oppa is staring at me so intently. What’s going on? Is there something on my face?
Or does he have something to say? Just the two of us, here…?
“Louise, do you have some time?”
“Yeah?”
My hands trembled.
I almost dropped all the ingredients I was holding at Oppa’s words, but I managed to calm myself down. Why am I acting like this? It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been alone with him.
I kept glancing at Oppa, and our eyes accidentally met. I almost looked away, but that would’ve made things even more awkward.
“I’m suddenly sorry for this.”
“It’s okay. I have plenty of time!”
I hastily shook my head at his apology. I’m comfortably resting in the mansion thanks to him, so if he needs something, I should make time for him. That’s only fair.
Oppa let out a small smile at my reaction. Did I overreact?
“I wanted to ask you for some advice.”
“Oh, yes! Anytime!”
The word ‘advice’ instantly made my embarrassment disappear, replaced by fluttering excitement.
At the Academy, I had been telling Oppa continuously to come to me with any worries he had, since I owed him so much and wanted to repay him in some way.
But instead, I ended up whining. Even though I’m thankful, it’s still a bit embarrassing.
‘Finally.’
Now Oppa is going to share his worries with me. Finally, I can give back at least a little for what he’s done for me.
And that means he trusts me now, right…?
A thrill of excitement spread through my chest as I waited for him to speak.
“This is about someone I know—”
I nearly laughed at the cliché start, unexpected as it was.
Oppa, everyone knows that saying it’s about someone else is just an excuse.
He must have realized that too, as he suddenly clammed up, awkwardly staring at the ground.
*
My indecisiveness flared up one last time.
“This is about someone I know—”
What the heck? What kind of nonsense was I talking about?
A wave of self-loathing washed over me. In a situation like this, bringing up ‘someone I know’ is plainly just an excuse! It’s like saying, ‘I’m going to share something super embarrassing, but it’s not about me.’
I showed my cowardice in a moment I should’ve gathered courage. If there were a sanctuary for super cowards, I’d be their VIP guest.
“…It’s actually about me.”
“Yeah, it’s about you, Oppa.”
Louise’s slightly amused response made me feel even more miserable, but thanks to it, I managed to gather my thoughts.
“Actually, a few years ago, something unpleasant happened.”
I carefully opened up, cautious not to directly mention any incidents.
I was asking for Louise’s advice to gain the courage to tell Marghetta, not to unload my burdens onto Louise. It would be too unfair to burden a child who hasn’t even healed from her own wounds with mine.
“I became somewhat withdrawn because of that incident. I think I pushed a few people away a couple of times.”
From Marghetta’s perspective, it wasn’t ‘somewhat’ or even ‘a couple of times.’ I really owe her a heartfelt apology.
“I didn’t even explain the situation to those I pushed away. I didn’t say anything at all.”
I truly didn’t say a word. About my situation, or that I needed patience and understanding. I did none of those things.
“It was wrong. If I pushed someone away because of my situation, I should have at least mentioned why.”
I made that choice entirely on my own. I couldn’t accept Marghetta because I still hadn’t gotten over Hecate. That’s an undeniable choice of mine.
But what about Marghetta? Was her choice truly her own? No, it couldn’t be. A true choice can only be made when all information is available. If I deliberately withheld that information, how could she make a complete choice?
For my own good, I suppressed Marghetta. No matter how I wrap it up, that fact doesn’t change.
“It was frightening to express my feelings. I feared that my sharing might ruin our current relationship or that I’d burden her needlessly.”
I paused for a moment and looked at Louise’s expression.
Louise was quietly listening with sparkling blue eyes. She showed no signs of discomfort, reluctance, or pity. She simply listened in silence.
In fact, this was somewhat comforting. I felt grateful for that.
“To be honest, I was scared. There’s no other way to put it.”
I gently reached out and patted Louise’s shoulder a few times.
I used to feel embarrassed whenever this younger girl showed concern for me.
Now, I wonder what makes me better than her, apart from the age difference. At least Louise had the courage to speak up for herself.
“That’s why I wanted to seek advice from someone brave.”
“You might have approached the wrong person.”
“Well, I think I chose the right one.”
The two of us smiled at that. It wasn’t especially funny, yet laughter escaped us naturally.
Louise, still smiling, gazed into my eyes and spoke softly.
“If you’re a coward, wouldn’t you rather lean on someone else?”
Her unexpected reply took me by surprise.
“Actually, I didn’t say it out of courage, either. I just wanted to share it because I thought you’d be willing to listen, so I acted like a child seeking attention.”
Louise chuckled shyly but kept on going.
“It’s scary to keep it all bottled up, and it’s equally frightening to share it with others, but I still want to confide in someone, to seek comfort. Is there another coward like me in the world?”
As she spoke, Louise covered my hand resting on her shoulder with her own. I instinctively tried to pull my hand away, but she firmly held it.
“This coward simply blurted it out, but you listened to the cries of this coward.”
Was Oppa someone who would ignore the cries of a coward?
I couldn’t think of a response to Louise’s follow-up.
No, at least not the Marghetta I know. She wouldn’t easily dismiss someone else’s trauma, even if it wasn’t mine.
“Or do you think the incident you carry is your fault? Is that why it’s scary for you to speak up?”
Regrettably, I couldn’t confidently say no. If I had been a stronger support for Hecate, that incident might not have arisen.
As I stood silently, unable to voice my thoughts, Louise wore a cryptic smile.
“You wouldn’t have wanted that incident to happen, would you?”
Those words were all too familiar.
“You haven’t ignored it either.”
The familiar words were being repeated, but now the roles were reversed.
“And you haven’t forgotten either.”
My face turned red for various reasons. What was I thinking at that time when I said those things? I was way too confident even when I couldn’t take care of myself.
“That’s why no one would say it’s your fault.”
“…That’s what I wanted to hear.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear too.”
A wry smile slipped out. Now I’m losing in words to Louise.
“Yeah, I wanted to hear that.”
But it was a relief that I lost in that aspect.
If I had been good with words, her points might not have moved me, and I would still be stuck in hesitation.
“Thank you.”
What else would one expect from a protagonist?
“Don’t mention it.”
Louise’s radiant smile gave me a surge of courage to truly face Marghetta.
No, was it courage, or was it the cowardice of wanting to lean on someone?
It doesn’t matter if it’s courage or cowardice. The result will be the same anyway.
‘It took a whole year…’
It’s been a year since I met Marghetta. Finally, I can show her my true feelings.
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