Where exactly did it all go wrong? Sometimes, no, maybe every morning when I open my eyes, I repeat this question. The original plan to end my life after raising Remi and Anna, the bright future that was supposed to wait for me, is now completely shattered and unrecognizable.
In the forest, I was rescued from drifting toward death by Elli, who, without concern, kept my life alive, yet started to move forward, gaining enlightenment on her own. I had never even seen anyone who had repeated their life more than five times, let alone someone like Sia, who could finally rest in peace in this life or the next.
Unexpected encounters and connections. The time spent with those warm-hearted individuals gradually became paint, carelessly smearing the picture I had drawn.
Still, it was okay. I thought time would bring opportunities again. By then, I could really smile and wrap everything up. I could endure each day with that thought.
But even when I tried to restore it to the picture I wanted, the wayward brush strokes and absurd colors kept shaking my heart.
Why don’t things go the way I want?
Why don’t you think about letting me go?
It became a time when I could no longer even recall what the original picture was. I threw down the brush and gave up on everything.
But, above all, the event that shattered my heart the most was… The person who crushed my heart more than anyone, someone I loved dearly in this life and wanted to nurture, believing I would never meet again—Remi Akaia.
It was when my sister appeared before my eyes again in a garden where flowers bloomed beautifully.
Yeah. All the cracks originated from her.
Thud.
“Wow! Aris, how about this book? This one, the one I always read to you! Remember!?”
“….Yeah.”
What made her so happy? Remi grabbed my right arm and dragged me around the market.
Tap, tap. The street was pouring with white snow, and in it, her amber eyes sparkled exceptionally. I couldn’t even bring myself to shake her hand away while she looked at me with her bright smile. I only wanted to walk and feel the snow, but instead, I was led around aimlessly.
That’s right.
Always, I was nothing without others.
I lived as a friend to some, a lover to others, and a child to someone else.
That meant, without them, I was nothing.
Empty, no different from a wooden puppet.
What more could I do?
What could I offer to those who didn’t need someone like me anymore, where nothing could be gained from my tribulations?
Stuck alone in the dark wilderness, I could only stand quietly beside Elli and Sia.
Watching them take each step made it impossible for me to cheer them on, as I had already drifted too far away where I couldn’t hear them.
I chose to stay here until their figures disappeared over the hill, and yet, I was a disgrace, getting angry at their actions, moving forward without trying to bring me along.
Rage, or jealousy.
Or maybe, just simple childish whining.
Thus, I was slowly breaking apart, being devoured by the green monster.
To me, the one I had loved dearly but had already set free in my heart approached, shining brighter than anyone.
I felt it.
Ah.
Now, it really is the limit.
Seeing Remi, who seemed to flaunt her joy of growth like I would never experience again.
Even her smiling face seemed to mock me, as I could only watch from afar without being able to follow them.
Of course, Remi had no such intent, but to my already tangled mind,
everything about her seemed like mockery.
Thus, I let out a sound I couldn’t bear.
A small crack started to form in my heart—
“—Aris?”
“……..”
Slap.
“………”
A blue-covered book was draped before my eyes.
Looking at that familiar object, I opened my mouth.
“……Yeah. I remember.”
“…! Aris, thank you!! Hehe!”
Of course, I remembered.
The fairy tale book with a blue background featuring adorable animals and a little girl with green eyes.
The story of a girl who got lost in the forest due to a witch’s magic, becoming a lost child, overcoming various hardships with the help of the kind forest animals, and finally returning to the home she longed for.
One of the many books Remi had often read to me while sitting at the head of my bed when we were younger.
It was now right in front of me.
Thud.
“……..”
I hugged the fairy tale book Remi handed me, trembling, in fear that I might drop it on the snow-covered ground.
Even though with my bandaged hands, I couldn’t enjoy the sensation of brushing over the book’s cover.
With only the function of breathing left in my nose, I could not even smell the unique aroma of paper as I buried my face in the book.
But the book in my hands was exactly the same as before.
I could never forget.
There was no way I could forget.
Drop, drop.
Tears flowed down.
“…….Alice. Are you alright?”
“I remember…everything, I remember…..”
Unlike before, there was nothing that entered my eyes.
I was merely recalling events I had never lost, that felt just like they had happened yesterday.
Yet the tears I couldn’t explain continued to flow ceaselessly, leaving numerous holes in the snow beneath me.
Like rain falling from the sky instead of snow, droplets kept dropping.
I made the book that Remi had joyously gifted me tarnished with my marks.
But my eyes kept shedding tears like a broken faucet that simply wouldn’t stop.
Despite everyone who had come close being shocked by my alarming appearance and worriedly inquiring about my state, I could return no answer.
This wasn’t tears shed out of joy.
Nor were they tears shed from sorrow.
It was just,
so painful, that I was crying.
All the agony flowed as tears.
I had deceived myself, telling myself it was a mere coincidence for their sake.
Yet the time spent with them was undeniably ‘happiness,’ a time that I had tried so hard to avoid.
Precious memories that must not fade away.
If an end exists to this arduous journey, or if the day arrives when my soul decays, the proud memories I would whisper to myself at that final moment.
But even those memories now only serve to remind me of my worthless self, torturing me.
“……….”
Useless me, who couldn’t even help others properly.
Such a me had no right to be by their side anywhere.
They had already flown to heights beyond my reach, and my existence next to them, nothing more than a heavy burden.
So, I just want to stop it now.
I want to rest now.
Should I have just died impulsively?
Don’t torment me anymore.
Don’t humiliate me.
Rather, kill me and throw my corpse into a dark land where no sunlight reaches.
I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
Why does everyone keep approaching me?
Just soar up to the high skies.
Since you’ve bloomed so beautifully, return to the embrace of the master who will welcome you.
Don’t make me voice how much I want to live with you.
You can do it.
You all can do it.
“….Cough, cough! Ugh…!”
“…Aris!? What’s wrong!?”
Chaotic, nonsensical words spilled from my mouth like a madman.
But with my confused mind now, that was all I could manage to think of.
My swollen throat and gasping breath felt as if they were choking me, and I felt as if it were a miracle that I hadn’t lost consciousness with my dizzying vision.
I opened my mouth.
Don’t worry.
I can still hold on.
That’s what I was trying to say—
“—Remi?”
A voice was heard.
“…..Ah?”
“….?! You…you!?”
The voice I recognized rang out.
It wasn’t the voice of anyone close to me, but I knew that voice.
The being that could call Remi’s name so casually, I knew.
It might sound cold, but I understood the kindness and warmth hidden within it better than anyone.
I know.
────────Gagak?
I turned my head.
“……….Ah…ah…”
“……Ari, s?”
Now, truly,
it was impossible to hold on any longer.
────
“—I don’t want to!!!!”
