Growth always accompanies pain.
The pain that silently occupies the space between human appearance and inner self teaches us lessons.
Those who have a reason for living— they can surely endure pain to the point of wanting to bite their tongues and find meaning within it.
Yeah. Just like those shining beings I know.
And for those who aren’t like that— for people like me, who are pushed along and forced to live— pain is nothing more than a simple punishment without even a lesson for growth.
Like Sisyphus, who must endlessly push a boulder up a steep hill.
“Aris! Shall we go see the flowers? Huh?”
“………”
“Ah! Recently, new books arrived at the bookstore. Let’s go together!”
Shake shake.
My body, which had no strength to stand, swayed here and there.
Remi, the owner of that lively touch that shook me, was the only one who didn’t lose her unique smile while everyone, including me, fell into gloom.
As for Sia, she still wore a painfully unnatural expression every time she faced me.
Tessa, despite being right next to me, had guilt for not noticing my state.
And when it came to Saelli, she looked as if the world was ending.
What on earth were they so afraid of?
Were they worried about me suddenly leaving without saying a word?
Were they afraid that I would confront them about their deceit?
Or that I might do something unmentionable after realizing the shocking truth?
I knew very well what they feared and worried about, but I felt no need to respond to each of their concerns.
From now on, whatever I do, they are already gone, out of reach.
Even if I devoted my whole self, it wouldn’t help their lives at all.
And for me— paying the price for my own greed— everything had become pointless and tiresome.
For Remi, it might be sad that I had fallen into despair, but perhaps finding the missing memories wasn’t so bad after all.
Though she was momentarily shocked by my state, she soon regained her composure and treated me as she always had.
After all, sorrow is an emotion that gets covered and forgotten over time.
Lost memories that originally couldn’t be returned.
It’s bad, but it’s good too.
That’s how I think it would be.
The strength of my mind, forged through past experiences, and the fact that I haven’t particularly wronged anyone give off an absurdly beautiful glow.
Well, if it’s not for those reasons.
Even if I were to spend the rest of my life like a doll.
Even if it became forever impossible to mend the deep rift in my family.
Just being alive and present beside them, that’s enough to make me genuinely happy.
Even if I’m broken and shattered, just being alive is sufficient.
Since Remi had lost me once, she might think that way too.
Thud.
“……..”
The scenery I had captured suddenly blurs.
Upon closer inspection, a single snowflake flew into my eyes, which had been staring outside blankly.
So hard to believe it came from gray storm clouds, the snow held pure colors and moisture.
A few blinks.
That snow turned into a single tear and slowly flowed down my cheek like rain.
Drip, drip.
The dry earth, my skin, drinks it in.
“……Snow.”
“Snow? …Ah! It’s really snowing outside? Since it’s the first snow of the year, is it the first snow?”
The world started to turn completely white.
The unique colors of the buildings, the attire of passersby— none of it held any meaning in this moment.
Fluffy snowflakes sticking together in midair, creating mesmerizing snowflakes from above.
The man in a gray coat, who was walking distractedly, the green-haired girl staring intently at bills nailed to the fence, and the child running around the streets, all stared blankly at the snow falling above their heads.
Snow gradually piled up on the street, new snow laying over the already settled snow.
And thus, the snow began to accumulate layer upon layer.
Layer, layer.
“….It’s snow.”
Realizing this, I unconsciously stretched my right hand, tightly wrapped in bandages, out the window.
Saelli, who noticed the wound I got while playing with a knife faster than anyone else, glared at my arm like a ghost.
She couldn’t bear to suck my finger in front of everyone and awkwardly bandaged it, though the bandage should’ve only covered my thumb, it ended up covering my entire right hand.
Sia chided her, saying there’s no need to hold back with a child.
When looked at from outside, my hand might seem like it was suddenly popping out covered in bandages.
Might be hard for anyone to notice with my arm now the same color as the snow.
With that hand, I was flailing about trying to catch the snowflakes falling from the sky in a meaningless struggle.
Of course, I knew the snow that landed in my hand would melt immediately, and in just a few seconds would absorb into the bandages, but still, I couldn’t stop this foolish action.
And, as expected.
Thud.
At the end of my flailing, a snowflake landed softly on my hand.
The snowflake that had flown freely in the air soon faded away on my hand.
Truly, like a dream.
All signs of its existence disappeared.
Swish.
“—Ah.”
The last sound of the snow.
It was so heart-wrenching.
“Aris, do you want to go out to see the snow? Shall we go together?”
“………”
I hesitated before shaking my head but then stopped.
How many times had I thought about whether to break the window and jump down, or to stay put and meet my end in that spot?
But still, wouldn’t going out to feel the snow, as she said, be much better than the scene of a child, hunched up in the window frame, dying while the final curtain of the tragedy fell?
That thought suddenly came to me.
“…..Yeah.”
I looked up at the sky, filled with dark clouds pouring down white snow.
The reason it snows.
It’s said to be a god’s effort to make the filthy world appear clean.
Even if it’s ultimately just a futile effort that gets tainted black with the inherent dirtiness.
Even if it turns into slush and becomes something repeatedly trampled.
The pure white snow sacrifices itself so people walking the streets do not realize they are dirty.
Snow thus becomes a little salvation, freeing people from all that’s filthy.
Liberation.
…Yeah.
It was liberation.
“—I want to go out.”
“….! Yes!! Let’s go out together, Aris!”
With that, I stepped down from the window sill.
Even if she could have been angry at my sudden whim, Remi simply smiled and seemed pleased.
Well.
There wasn’t any particular reason for going out.
I just wanted to walk the streets, even if just for a moment.
Really, just that.
“—Hao-na.”
“I won’t accept any objections.”
I said as coldly and firmly as I could to the man kneeling before me.
They would surely seize any hint of emotion and exploit it.
At first, I’d meant to take only a minimal number of people with me, but this journey to the empire had drawn in so many participants, all due to their schemes.
Of course, I’m sure my father and mother’s instructions were behind all of this.
“Only a maximum of two people will go.”
“……..”
“I won’t take more than that.”
Now that we’ve arrived at the capital of the empire, there is no need for as many guards as before.
Their help had been somewhat valid when passing through forest regions with roadside bandits or kidnappers, but in this place with a solid law enforcement presence, those concerns were unnecessary.
On the contrary, the fact that they are openly moving here could be something damaging to international relations.
It was mostly thanks to the empire’s tacit approval that we managed to operate like this until now.
I suppose they’ve prepared their own countermeasures, but I wish they would refrain from further interference.
Not for anything else.
But for an honest moment, just between me and Remi.
“…In the end, it started to snow.”
I gazed out the window.
The ominous clouds I had sensed since yesterday were, unsurprisingly, beginning to spit out white snow, and once again, I was reminded of the unyielding fact that the world won’t grant even my simplest wishes.
“….I should go.”
The snow continued to pour down like a torrential rain.
I stepped into the uncertain journey outside the inn.
