Inside me, there are just too many selves.
There’s no place for you to rest.
It was like a lost child in the middle of the cold city, confused after losing their parents.
Just a moment ago,
Not long ago,
Before it became like this.
I was always living happily with my warm-hearted parents, my lovely older sister, and my school friends.
We spent precious moments together, smiling over trivial things.
Laughing, chatting, playing.
I used to enjoy the small treasures deeply woven into daily life.
—But what about now?
“……..”
They all somehow left me alone, blending into the crowd.
Or, did I get swept away by the throngs of people instead?
Mom, where are you?
Dad, where did you go?
Sister, I’m alone.
Everyone, I’m so scared.
I screamed madly, calling their names with all my strength, but all I heard back was the echo bouncing off the walls.
Passersby shot me cold glances, looking down at the noisy child.
Right.
I was shoved into this isolated world.
Abandoned by everyone, even the parents of this world who once gave birth to me, living on the street.
They cursed me, mocked me, ridiculed me, and abused me.
Everywhere I looked was an enemy, filled with untrustworthy people.
“Oh, it hurts so much.”
“I’m so tired.”
“Don’t ignore me. Show me some kindness. But I don’t need cheap pity. No, wait, I kind of do. Please don’t abandon me.”
Even those who showed me a bit of kindness, I couldn’t fully trust because I had been through so much.
They simply existed, but I believed in them, got betrayed by them, and kept deceiving myself.
Anxiety coiled and grew, consuming each other.
I doubted people while also trusting them.
It was so ugly.
“Hahn! There’s a stain here!!”
Haha… I’ll wash it again, Aunt Pierre.
“Tsk, get it together, got it!?”
Yes~!
But all I could do was hide my sorrow, pretend to be alright,
Suppress my pain.
Like I became a clown, overreacting and laughing too much, living under the ridiculous mask of “I’m harmless.”
Ha.
Haha.
….
Haha. I knew it would be like this.
If I knew living like this would hurt.
I didn’t need a second chance.
Maybe from the beginning, I was a being that should never have been born.
So, I thought.
“—Sister, it’s been a while!!”
“…..!!”
My eyes that had been closed slowly opened.
Late autumn.
My wandering feet, lost without direction, arrived at a familiar place.
As I always did, I tried to sleep to wash away the painful memories, but I woke up to a voice coming from afar.
A few meters away from me.
Winter was nearly upon us, yet beautiful dark red flowers bloomed one by one on a small tree, as if waking from a prolonged slumber.
There, the child was holding a handful of flowers, laughing brightly as if they were a flower themselves.
I waved my trembling hand toward the child.
“…It’s been a long time.”
“Hehe!”
Really, I don’t know.
Why I came back here.
I don’t know if I’m really happy to see the child again.
Full of worries.
The child just kept smiling, seemingly delighted with something.
A small soft cotton candy.
But if you sweep the clouds away, there stood a spiny tree.
Like a hedgehog trying to ward off all who approach, not wanting to be hurt,
Yet also a little child trembling with fear of being abandoned, wanting love.
In the two intersecting desires that can never meet, a person who lost the will to live and gave up everything.
It felt so adorable, like looking at my old self.
“—Did you hear my story?”
Huh?
“Don’t joke around.”
She puffed herself up like a kitten hissing.
At least, that’s how it looked to me.
With half-closed, still sleepy eyes, a huge doubt arose toward me.
Is it because she just woke up, or is it that I hold enough influence to shake her heart?
Throwing off the playful image of before, she stared at me with icy eyes.
Scary.
Angry.
“Was there even a need to listen? Everyone hated seeing me.”
……..
“Everyone did. Abandon, abandon, abandon. Even the friend I thought was closest would eventually ditch me.”
Verbal abuse.
It was self-abuse.
“You too, right?”
Wearing a distorted smile, she cried.
Beneath the mask, it felt like I saw a lost child not knowing where to go.
“You asked if I was struggling, right? Yeah, I am. It hurts to the point of wanting to die.”
……..
“….Haha, for real, I’m going crazy. This is something I shouldn’t say to a child. Did I really lose my mind?”
Meeting someone living a new life like her, or like me, isn’t the first time.
They were easy to identify by their odd appearance or abilities.
Quite a few such people came across my path, seeing them once every ten encounters.
—Most of them couldn’t adapt to the changed world.
The child behaving unusually for their age is unsettling.
Someone born with an appearance that absolutely couldn’t exist in a direct lineage.
They couldn’t express themselves properly due to problems learning new languages influenced by the ones they already had.
They have been rejected for various reasons.
Only a very small number of lucky ones could happily enjoy the opportunities that came their way.
The rejected ones had no choice but to live without finding any meaning in life in the changed environment.
In that regard, I could truly say I was one of the lucky ones.
I’ve met good people, good family, and learned many things.
Found my own way of living.
Transformed that learning to help guide others who are lost.
I am a singularly blessed existence.
…Hehe.
I slowly approached her, who was sitting down.
Thud, thump.
The flowers overflowing from my arms fell out one by one, marking my path like signposts.
Even as I got closer, she, whose name I still didn’t know, remained trapped in a cycle of self-blame and lament.
It was proof that we both knew nothing.
A stranger knows more about herself than she does.
Isn’t that quite strange?
So, we must talk to each other about them.
“It’s all, all, all lies.”
“No, it’s not a lie.”
Elli, in front of my eyes, and she, right here,
They all just wanted endless love and belief towards themselves.
I gently scattered the flowers I held over her head.
It was just an action to get rid of what I held.
But the sight of red, yellow, blue, and various colors of flowers falling mixed together felt like blessing her path ahead.
Covered by the flowers I scattered, she could only look up at me with hollow eyes.
Believe, and you will find salvation.
A small verse comes to mind.
I slowly stretched out one arm, pulling her head in a warm embrace.
As I stroked her stiff hair, it flowed between my fingers.
You’ve had a hard time.
You really held on well.
Now, I’ll help you.
“I’m pretty.”
“…That’s a lie.”
“Like the clean night sky, I like it.”
In a way, am I becoming her senior?
Perhaps, because I have little connection with younger siblings, I feel an urge to meddle when I see someone like her.
This must be what it means to take on the responsibilities of an adult.
I loosened her tangled hair with my right hand and hugged her warmly.
I had never found it inconvenient in life, but I felt a bit regretful that I couldn’t use both hands when hugging someone like this.
“You too, in front of others, would eventually abandon me.”
“No way~, I’ll stay with you forever~”
“—Stop lying!!!”
When I playfully retorted, she pushed me with both hands.
But the push was so weak, it was merely a light shove.
Caught up in her guilt reflected in her eyes, I was pushed back without any choice.
Thud. My body stumbled over a stone.
Balancing with only one arm left was quite difficult, and I ultimately rolled over backward.
Roll, roll.
I got all dirty and ended up in a pitiful state.
“Ouch!”
“…You!?”
In that brief moment, her eyes widened as if she had seen something.
My dear junior stood there frozen.
I didn’t care about the pain and got back up, rushing toward her again.
Everything might be suspicious.
It could feel like everyone is deceiving me or really deeply rejecting themselves.
The violence, the hatred, the exclusion, all of it may never truly disappear.
Right.
Unless a miracle happens.
“I… have no one I know… no family, no friends… so I’ve been lonely…”
“……”
“You’re the first person I’ve come to know… I don’t like anyone else..!!”
But humans are creatures that create miracles.
If you wish strongly, if you believe strongly, no matter how ridiculous it seems, maybe someday that wish will come true.
So let’s believe.
Then, we will be saved.
“So please… be my friend.”
“……!!”
But don’t worry too much if salvation doesn’t come.
Here.
“Please don’t abandon me.”
Isn’t this how miracles find us?
