If life had been a hamster wheel, it might have been better.
Spin spin.
What if I lived like a squirrel, completely thoughtless, just aiming to go around once a day? How nice would that be?
But as the days go by,
the calendar pages are ripped one by one,
hair grows longer every time it’s cut,
—life shows it’s not a hamster wheel stuck in one place.
Like a bike moving forward when you pedal.
Waking up early to the sound of a chicken crowing, I start my chores for the day.
Pulling weeds, doing laundry, tidying up the yard.
Eating meals and getting a little money for it.
During the remaining free time, chatting with Rumi, living day by day like a beggar, glancing around cautiously.
Well, sure.
Somehow, I am alive.
For now, I can manage with their little kindnesses.
But what about next year? The year after? What about ten years from now?
Will I be able to live like this?
Every evening, the questions haunt me before bed.
But no matter how much I ponder, or try to solve it, there was no answer that I could keep living on.
Because here, no kind teachers to answer my problems, no friends to solve it for me, no one at all.
Here, a lost soul wandering, a vigorless runaway exists.
All alone, just me.
Whee.
“Ugh…”
Watching the autumn wind gently drop the fallen leaves, I wandered aimlessly in a colorful forest.
Though I lived a life eating from scraps and getting a little money, surprisingly, I found plenty of time to rest.
Strangely enough.
In this era where machines could finish tasks in an instant, I was doing them one by one for hours, yet I worked less overall.
Isn’t that ironic?
“If I had known this, I would rather have been born a tree.”
Of course, a tree must have its own troubles I don’t know.
Like a lumberjack suddenly coming to chop it down, or a landslide occurring.
Unable to move, resignedly accepting impending death.
But at this very moment, I envied that tree.
Because that seemed much better.
At least a tree could be firewood, right?
Thud.
“Oh.”
Finding a wild raspberry blooming nearby, I picked the fruit and popped it in my mouth.
Despite it being autumn, it was pleasantly ripe.
Though I couldn’t even distinguish between herbs and weeds yet, they say a dog that’s been at school for three years can recite poetry. I could at least recognize wild raspberries.
Is this a good change?
Well, I don’t know.
Nom.
The raspberry burst with a refreshing crunch in my mouth. Unlike the overly-sweetened modern strawberries, this one had a natural sourness and bitterness, a strong taste of nature, to put it nicely.
Honestly, it wasn’t that tasty.
“Eww…”
I found a sunny patch and started to brush off the leaves with my feet.
Is this enough?
I would probably get dirt on my skirt, but leaving that problem for the me of a few hours later, I leaned against the tree and tried to sleep.
“…….Yawn.”
Ah, I really hate this.
No, I wish I could just get eaten instead.
Without feeling pain, when I’m deep in sleep.
Really…
Really…
So dark…
Rustle, rustle.
I felt a warm and soft touch playing with my hair.
Back in the day, even when it was time for school, my mom would do this instead of waking me up.
Though I would eventually run out angry after realizing I overslept.
A long-lost affectionate touch.
Is this a dream?
But if it’s a dream, it’s too pleasant—
I could wish for this dream to last forever.
“….—?”
“….Ugh…”
I wished this moment would last forever, yet my consciousness slowly started to awaken, betraying my wishes.
A small voice.
The fresh scent of grass and the cool breeze.
Listening to the delightful sounds, I felt vitality slowly returning to my body.
And simultaneously, some questions automatically popped into my mind.
What was I just doing?
Who is the person touching my hair?
The answer to that question came from right behind me.
“—Unnie? You’ll catch a cold sleeping here.”
“…Eek!?”
A high-pitched voice still holding a child’s innocence tickled my ear.
—It’s ticklish.
“…!!!”
Wow, I let out an embarrassing scream and jumped up like a spring.
But maybe it was because I had just woken up? My legs wobbled, and I crumpled down on my knees.
With a thud, I fell down like I was confessing my wrongdoings.
An utterly, perfectly fitting stance for me.
“…….”
“…Ugh?”
To put it simply, um, yes.
This was incredibly embarrassing.
“Hehehe!”
“…..Ugh…”
So incredibly embarrassing.
Clap clap clap, the sound of someone clapping in delight made the wound in my heart hurt even more.
Their laughter, filled with pure joy, was the final blow.
Could you not do that…?
All I could do was cover my face with my hands.
Of course, that didn’t stop the laughter.
Please… stop it…
With my ears burning like there’s a fire, I could guess the color of my face without even looking in a mirror.
Knowing my thoughts or not, the person who had been stroking my hair walked over slowly.
The sound of leaves crunching underfoot was light.
Tap. The child stopped.
“Unnie, are you okay?”
Though there was still a hint of laughter, there was a genuine worry in her voice.
My weak tear ducts were tempted to spill tears from the crushing disappointment, but I stopped myself with everything I had.
If I do that… I might really… die… No, I’ll die…
“…A little, it hurts.”
“…What? Really? Where does it hurt?”
Yeah… my heart hurts a lot.
But I couldn’t say that out loud, just thinking it in my heart.
Seeing the child’s frantic movements as if a great disaster had occurred from my playful response made me smile bitterly as I composed myself.
Sigh, what am I doing to a child?
Speaking of which, what is a child doing in a mountain like this?
Some questions arose, and having gathered my emotions appropriately, I lowered my hands from my face and slowly lifted my gaze to speak to the child.
I was going to speak.
“Not really, I’m fine… ah…?”
“…..??”
Did she doubt my eyes, one might say?
Silvery hair shimmering beautifully.
Emerald-colored eyes, like they captured the sea.
Half-closed eyes that seemed sleepy, yet they had a captivating charm.
You could say she looked ‘young’, but even taking that into account, she fell into the category of ‘beauty’, perfectly.
Absolutely prettier than anyone I had met so far in my life.
I thought so.
“……..”
“Unnie, are you hurt?”
“……..”
“Uum…?”
I stayed still on the ground, both hands pressed down, frozen.
It might seem an ugly sight, but to me, who had naturally been inured to emotional scars, it didn’t deliver any major blow.
No, facing this child’s reality was enough to swallow anyone whole.
In agreeing with that statement, I was indeed captivated, as the child was unrealistically beautiful.
I had never seen anything like it in my life, but if fairies really existed, would they look this way?
“……Ah…”
“Uum…? Do you want more head pats?”
The child tilted her head back and forth, looking at me.
In my dazed state, I just stared at her movements as if entranced.
The child, after pondering for a moment, seemed to realize something, and with a small gasp, extended one hand toward my head.
And just like that—
“….!!!”
“Good girl~ Good girl~”
—Swoosh, swoosh.
What’s happening?
My mind froze, unable to comprehend the scenes unfolding before me.
But feeling the familiar warmth and reassurance brushing through my hair, my eyes almost closed involuntarily as I recalled this familiar sensation.
The touch I felt before, just moments ago, that I had longed for.
Ah.
So it was this child.
“…….”
“I wish I had hair like Unnie Elli…”
The child mumbled the name of someone I didn’t know very well.
But I remained on all fours, enjoying her soft touch without a thought.
On all fours…?
In front of this child…?
Down on all fours…?
“Whoaahhh—!!!?”
“—Hii!?”
I’m losing it. I’m losing it!!
Wow, I let out a scream and jumped up like a spring again.
Surprised by my antics, the child’s eyes opened wide in genuine shock.
As I felt a warmth swell in my heart at her fresh demeanor, I also felt an overwhelming urge to crawl into a mouse hole out of embarrassment.
Ugh…
Kill me… just kill me…
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