The ones who should be alive are dead, and the ones who should be dead are alive.
It’s absurd in itself.
When the door opened, the sight of Hee-ah was horrifying.
She was a child, with only scraps of cloth barely draped over her shoulders and waist, appearing just as when she was born.
Just a few days ago, her body was pristine and white, without a single scar, but now it was mangled and torn, the tendons and flesh that should have been hidden under the skin were starkly visible.
Her terrible state was enough to shatter all my hopes that she would return safely.
[‘….■■■, ■■■■…..’]
Creeeak, creak.
It was as if the limbs of a doll were being forced to move in the wrong direction, beyond their limits.
From all over Hee-ah’s body came sounds that should not belong to a human.
─Thud.
“──Hiiik?!”
A sigh came from behind, who could it be? Was it Jeong-eun or Yeon-i?
Thick, dark blood was covering various parts of Hee-ah’s body.
“….Shit, shit, shit, shit.”
“Se, senior?! Wh-what should I do?”
Crack, thud.
From behind, I heard the sound of two wooden sticks clattering on the concrete floor.
I glanced back to see Yeon-i and Jeong-eun, shaking madly, helplessly waving their trembling hands in the air after dropping the sticks they were holding moments earlier.
It was a reflexive action, as they couldn’t point their weapons at Hee-ah, of all people.
Their eyes, looking at her, were filled with undisguised horror and confusion.
And I was no different.
─Tremble, tremble.
“……..”
I too couldn’t control my trembling hands.
In this moment of standing still, I knew better than anyone that I had to do something.
Whether to warmly welcome the girl who had returned alone from such a distant journey, or to embrace the child who had become a mass of wounds.
I, we had to do something.
But nothing was possible for us.
To hold the child, to treat the child, and to ─ turn her back into a human, all of it.
With our measly abilities, it was impossible.
─Clink.
“…..Hee-ah.”
I bit my lip.
Our hands merely cut through the air, a futile struggle of foolish humans who didn’t even know what to do.
That pitiful gesture resembled a powerless flailing of a person in the vast sea, grasping at nothing to lean on, just swinging in despair.
All that could touch my hands was the sensation of icy seawater slipping away, mocking the struggle.
Not even a strand of grass could I grasp.
It was cruel.
I wanted to fight someone, anyone, to question why this child had to suffer such a fate, not even able to rest peacefully in death.
Whether it’s God, Buddha, or the Devil.
Why must that child, not I, suffer like this?
Was it because that kind and gentle child was hated so?
Feeling my heart ripped apart with pain, I sank into despair.
If my immobile mouth could voice what it felt, I might have been screaming.
If I could shed anything but tears from my eyes, I might have been bleeding.
The unending despair and hollow feeling that I had never felt before engulfed me.
─Thud.
“I’m really, sorry.”
In front of her, I ultimately fell to my knees.
Deep down, I thought this end wasn’t too bad.
Perhaps I was subconsciously accepting the current situation as inevitable.
Rather than waiting quietly in the room for my end, I would rather be murdered by the child I had killed.
If that could somehow serve as an apology to her.
If this could bring peace to Hee-ah, who was over there.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, I thought.
─Step, step.
[‘…..■■■, ■.’]
“Did it hurt a lot? Hee-ah.”
Hee-ah had already come right up to me.
In the not-so-wide yard, the distance between me and Hee-ah quickly closed, with her shadow stretching across my body in the sunlight.
At such close range that I could see even the smallest scars on her body.
I could see the viscous green liquid that resembled that of the countless zombies I had seen before slowly leaking from the child’s mouth.
Unlike the thick gooey substance from the zombies, it resembled water, gradually seeping out like blood from Hee-ah’s mouth.
─Thud.
And then, with one final step.
[‘…■, ■.’]
“……….”
At last, my entire line of sight was filled with Hee-ah.
Hee-ah, who had come so close, slowly began to spread her arms wide as if to engulf me.
Slowly, leisurely-moving arms.
In front of that fragility, where I could have easily struck back, I remained kneeling, anxiously awaiting my punishment.
Swoosh──
[‘………’]
Then, Hee-ah’s mouth cautiously opened.
Her sharp teeth slowly approached my neck.
This was finally the end I had awaited.
My death, the one I had been yearning for.
‘Unnie Hwamin, I──’
Hee-ah was about to carry out───
‘───I feel pity for them.’
“Ah─”
──────Revenge?
And at that moment, the conversation I had with Hee-ah that night suddenly came to mind.
Is this really what Hee-ah wanted to do?
….I had, we had indeed killed Hee-ah.
There was no denying that.
I had deserved to die.
Do you really think Hee-ah hates you?
…If it were anyone else, they would have every right to hate me.
To complain and ask why they had been abandoned.
It was only natural.
Is it not you who hates yourself, rather than Hee-ah?
….
I did not answer.
Do you think that good child hates you enough to want to kill you?
….
I didn’t answer.
Do you think Hee-ah is that kind of child?
No.
No way.
Right. You know it well.
….
…I know too.
Because──
Because──
“───There’s no way Hee-ah would think that!!”
I could say for certain, Hee-ah could never behave like this.
She was always the kind child who thought of others before herself.
She was the one who, worried about becoming a burden, bore her pain alone, never letting anyone else see it.
She was the one who smiled at me until the very end, even while being devoured by the zombies in our place.
That child would want us to die?
That cheerful Hee-ah would want to kill us?
Hah.
──That can’t be, right?
If Hee-ah truly wanted our deaths, I would willingly die a hundred times.
If she were to question why I abandoned her, I would willingly die a thousand times.
But this wasn’t it.
This wasn’t right.
What was in my mind now was only one thought.
To prevent Hee-ah, who was watching us from inside, from committing any further sins.
For the trivial reason that we wanted to feel at ease, we wouldn’t burden her again.
‘───At that time, I’ll protect you, Hee-ah.’
‘….Hehe. I’ll definitely count on you, Unnie Hwamin.’
It was precisely the promise we had made.
As if the film was suddenly interrupted, the world began to appear discontinuous.
As I regained my senses, I found the wooden stick that had been lying beside me in my hand.
It was surely the sharpened stick that Yeon-i or Jeong-eun had dropped earlier.
The scenes flickered past one another, and in the next moment, I saw Hee-ah, looking down at me with dilated pupils and arms widely spread.
“────────”
I muttered.
I’m sorry.
It’s okay to curse me.
I’ll take this sin gladly.
Am I going to hell?
…Haha, what does it matter?
I’m already in hell.
Adding one more sin here wouldn’t change anything.
So, so Hee-ah───
───Don’t you forgive me.
─Thud.
“───Aaaah!!!”
I lunged the stick towards Hee-ah.
The world fragmented, and everything turned black.
At that moment, my heart was filled with the mission to prevent Hee-ah from regretting anything.
To kill for Hee-ah, to kill her.
That was it.
And──
“Ah.”
──Splat!
It felt like piercing soft mud, along with the sound.
The green liquid splattered across my face.
It was as if time had stopped.
Neither I nor Hee-ah, nor Jeong-eun and Yeon-i watching us from the back, made a sound.
I faced the consequences of what I had just done with trembling eyes.
─Drip, drip.
[‘…..─,─.’]
“I’m sorry…! I’m sorry, Hee-ah…!”
My two hands held the stick tightly.
The tip of the stick had ripped through her tattered cloth and pierced through Hee-ah’s back.
The unidentified green liquid from Hee-ah’s body soaked the wooden stick and trickled down.
Tears could not form, frozen in shock.
I had stabbed Hee-ah.
With my own hands, I had killed the child who was nearly dead because of me.
Once again, I had killed her.
Apology, yes. Perhaps I wanted to apologize.
If I were to die by the child’s hands, I believed my sins would be absolved.
But in the end, I realized that could only be my self-satisfaction, nothing more.
It would only burden the child further.
What if, at that moment, I had died instead of Hee-ah?
I probably wouldn’t have thought about revenge at all.
I would have quietly sat by the riverbank of the Samdo River, waiting for those who would come after.
If they came quickly, I would tease them about being fast, and if they came late, I’d say I was about to lose my patience waiting.
I would hold hands with them again and walk somewhere together.
And if it were that kind and gentle child, it would be even more so.
I couldn’t even imagine how angry the child would be for not having died in my place.
Right.
This was not merely a rationalization for my comfort.
It was my belief about that kind child.
What stood before me was no longer the Hee-ah we knew.
It was the form of a monster that was forcing her to move, dragging her into suffering.
I thought so.
──Swoosh.
[‘─■, ㄴ■ㅣ….’]
“….Ah?”
And for that reason, I couldn’t understand the sound that reached my ears.
The voice of the zombie, crushed and distorted, was barely audible now, emerging from Hee-ah’s mouth.
Was it an illusion? Was it my mistake?
Before I could think further, Hee-ah’s body began to move little by little.
Creeeeak, crack. The sound of bones cracking followed.
That was the sound of Hee-ah, who had been pierced through the heart, rising to her feet, walking toward me.
Of course, the stick became more embedded within her with each step she took, but Hee-ah didn’t seem to care, approaching me with her arms wide open.
Despite her body twisting and air escaping from her lungs, Hee-ah silently walked toward me.
I watched the whole scene, mouth agape, in horror.
Because Hee-ah.
The same Hee-ah whom I had just stabbed in the chest.
[‘어, ㄴ, ■,ㅣ’]
“…..Hee-ah?”
With a smiling expression, she approached me.
Our distance shrank even more, until our bodies were nearly touching.
My breath turned into a breeze, ruffling Hee-ah’s hair; the gap was that small.
At that distance, the scarred Hee-ah looked at me and opened her mouth.
Not exposing her teeth as before, but moving her lips as if to speak.
Hee-ah carefully pronounced each syllable, one by one.
[‘──언, 니.’]
“…..Ah.”
The words she spoke, without a doubt, were calling my name.
They were broken and stammered but unmistakably directed at me.
Before I could be startled, Hee-ah’s arms which had opened wide began to wrap around my waist tightly.
The coldness from Hee-ah’s body was felt through my clothes.
I had never seen someone who had turned into a zombie regain their sanity.
They were bound and drugged; no matter what was done, they merely howled and swung their arms.
How many people had attempted that, only to become just like them?
What, then, was the scene I was witnessing now?
It was unbelievable. This felt unreal.
[‘히, ■.’]
“….Ah, ah…!!”
But that distinctive laughter.
The familiar embrace that tightened me.
It confirmed that the person standing before me was, without a doubt, Hee-ah.
It wasn’t an illusion.
It wasn’t a misunderstanding.
If so, this was a miracle bestowed from above.
─Creeeak.
[‘고, 마, 워.’]
“I’m sorry, Hee-ah.”
A final opportunity arose for us to face each other directly.
In this limited moment, one expressed gratitude while the other offered apologies.
Words that would never align, forever running parallel, a conversation impossible to establish.
Yet in this moment, those two phrases connected our hearts.
All that I was, found recompense in this moment.
Did you hurt?
No, not at all.
I’m sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
……
I love you.
Me too.
Sleep well, Hee-ah.
…….
Hee-ah?
………….
Sleep well.
………………
Rest well.
………………
So.
“……..”
The once cold body of Hee-ah slowly began to stiffen, and as Jeong-eun and Yeon-i, awakened from their stupor, approached me,
I held that child tightly in my arms.
Following the last words Hee-ah had whispered to me, so quietly only I could hear.
I murmured the same words she once shared, that my body was warm and felt good.
Gently, I brushed her white hair with trembling hands.
The child, eyes closed as if in peaceful slumber, wore a bright smile as if dreaming a beautiful dream.
It was only after I saw the child’s eyes closed.
Only after realizing her tiny lips no longer moved.
Could I finally cry out loud.
“──Hwamin, where are you going?”
“……. ”
Thud.
I sat in the backseat, looking out at the scenery beyond the glass window.
Two months had been an incredibly short time, yet it was also a time of many changes.
The once clean streets were now littered with debris, transformed into grimy roads, while the smoky air was now filled with decay.
Bright streetlights and neon signs had disappeared, leaving behind only the dark sky, illuminated only faintly.
Wildflowers grew along the roadside, and vines climbed the walls.
Yes, everything had changed.
“─ Senior?”
“……. ”
And what had changed, too, was us.
Five people fit comfortably inside a spacious medium-sized car.
That wide space was filled with sizable items such as canned goods and camping gear.
However, even with everything packed in, I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness.
“……….”
In the seat next to me where a small child should have been, there was only a cold metal gadget.
“Where to, then?”
I looked down, my gaze falling to my hands.
There was a keychain adorned with a cat plushie graced with beautiful white fur, slightly stained with blood.
A cat plushie that resembled Hee-ah, grinning with a pretty smile.
For some reason, the sound of Hee-ah’s laughter replayed in my mind, and a small smile escaped my lips.
“………”
“………”
Jeong-eun and Yeon-i, seated in the front, looked back at me with curious eyes.
The world had perished.
In a place devoid of light, the hope we longed for vanished without a trace.
Tomorrow, we believed, would not be brighter than today; instead, it would be a deeper pit of despair.
Yes.
Perhaps living could be more painful than dying.
But since when had we lived with such expectations?
Had we lived to see tomorrow be better than today, that the day after would be happier?
The rare weekends after grueling weekdays, sneaking out for junk food, or rushing to karaoke with friends were our joys and comforts.
The path ahead was bound to be filled with struggles and pain.
In this cruel world, it would easily rob us of everything we had taken for granted.
But I would not give up now.
After hurling a good curse and throwing my pillow across the room, all the sad and difficult memories would fade into yesterday.
Then I would live another day as if nothing had happened.
The day after would turn into tomorrow, and tomorrow into today.
What felt distant would, one day, ultimately become today.
Silently resisting the absurdity thrust upon us.
Finding one’s happiness within all that.
Isn’t that what life is all about?
So──
“──Let’s go to Gangwon-do.”
“….Okay. Ready, Yeon-i?”
“Yes. I’m ready. You can take off whenever.”
So I will continue to live.
Even if the world is utterly bleak.
Even if all that awaits is endless despair.
With my eyes wide open, I’ll look ahead, unbowed by the challenges to come.
I will live on with the life Hee-ah has left me, and endure until the end.
I will live.
Living is good, after all.
And perhaps, it’s the very best thing there is.
─Swoosh.
“……..”
Before the car departed for the last time, I stared out the window.
The view of a house with a blue roof, and my hazy reflection in the glass.
It could be the last view I’d ever see, a house full of intense pink memories.
I etched that image deeply into my mind.
We decided today to embark on a journey without promises.
A place where the number of people is sparse regarding its vastness, where military camps are scattered and likely to have many survivors — Gangwon-do.
If we find no one there, we shall follow the coast down further.
We will find people, live, endure quietly, and keep on enduring.
And when it all ends, when the time comes, we will return once again to this place.
Yes, we will return.
As long as the small mound we made with our hands remains.
As long as I hold the key that opens Hee-ah’s home.
We will someday return to our roots, to this place.
This is my chronicle.
This is an account of everything I, 18-year-old Hwamin Lee, wrote down during the time when the world was in collapse, the records of forty-two days spent with the child who turned so pure.
It’s something I shall never forget, something I must never forget.
Vroom─!
“───Now, let’s go.”
“Hold on tight! You won’t know if you get hurt!!!”
It’s my proud story.
A hastily made small grave.
On the wooden plank standing instead of a tombstone, the following words were inscribed.
「Like the stars in the night sky, faint yet brightly shining child.
Rest here.」
Thus.
