Swish.
“…………”
As the day brightens, the morning of the 60th day begins.
I stood with my head leaning against the wall, staring at the empty corner of the room.
Slowly, my head slid down the wall. I didn’t resist the gravity pulling me down and simply sat on the floor.
My legs were stretched out, and only then did I notice my shoes, caked in green ichor, reflecting in my half-sunken eyes.
Did I really not take off my shoes?
I must have come home in a daze, unable to think to remove the shoes I was wearing.
──Well, it doesn’t mean anything now.
Whether they get dirty on the floor or not.
Whether this rotten smell seeps deep into the house or not.
Whether I die like this or not.
With each passing day, even as the food supplies dwindled.
As hope slowly faded with the disappearing figures of the survivors, without anyone losing their smile, we lived energetically in this home.
But now, with bags full of canned goods piled generously at the door, all preparations for stepping outside are complete.
“……….”
In this house, only a painfully cold silence lingered.
The bags remained unchanged, firmly locked at the entrance, just as they were when first placed there.
No one dared to touch the bags with food, including me.
Like corpses.
… corpses.
Yes, we were corpses.
Three sprawled-out corpses.
If someone saw us now, wouldn’t they think a dead person was staring with eyes wide open?
The grievances and frustrations remained unresolved, forming a lump, preventing the corpses from resting in peace even in death.
But at least they must have harbored a desire to resolve their old grudges, so perhaps describing them as unseeing corpses might be disrespectful to them.
─Tap, tap.
“…..Ugh, heh… ha, haha.”
We simply waited, quietly, doing nothing.
All of us, including me, spent our time in silence on the floor of our given rooms.
With vacant eyes staring into space, the others must have been reflecting on some past moment.
Then, in a moment of distraction, when attention wavers.
They would snap out of their happy illusions of the past and confront the miserable reality, suddenly overcome by an impulse to die.
As if it’s a scene reverting back to the first day.
But, how great would that be.
Going back to the first day, dying at school without resisting the horde of zombies.
On the second day, jumping off the rooftop of the store we reached after running away.
By the fourth day, tying a noose to the sturdy pillar I could see, hanging myself.
On the eighth day, grabbing a large rock lying nearby and smashing my head in.
By the sixteenth night, parting with the remaining food for those things, ceasing to live while upholding my dignity as a human.
As time flowed, the eighteenth day when I met Heea came, heading to a remote place far from home so she wouldn’t get harmed───
“──Hah.”
It would be better that way.
In our given situation, we did our best.
Or perhaps, just fleeing was the best option there.
Fearful of genuinely vocalizing our true feelings, we tossed around clichéd reassurances we’d picked up from somewhere, but those provided no solace.
Rather, it would only be like pouring oil on a raging flame.
Regardless of the process, there was only one result that came upon us.
The horrific outcome that Heea was devoured by the horde of zombies, that we drove her into the jaws of danger.
Unless that result, that conclusion, that miserable death and ending changed.
I would not escape this swamp.
……
Had I been bitten by zombies after entering their den without proper caution, perhaps I would have accepted it.
Maybe thinking it was karma and feeling a bit regretful about it.
The fact that I could no longer meet Heea, that she was living a bright future with someone else rather than me, would have saddened me a bit.
And perhaps, she would have also been happy.
Surely, it must have been so.
No, it should have been so.
──Thud, thud!
“……Why….! Why….!”
That child shouldn’t have to suffer such a horrible fate.
Why were we, who made the wrong judgments and committed the mistakes, still alive, while the child who only followed us met such an end…!
“Why….!!!”
Bang bang, I slammed my head against the wall.
In the central hall of the mart.
We screamed incomprehensible sounds that could hardly be called human as we rushed to where Heea fell.
Swinging anything that could be grabbed, demanding to hand her over, while we fell back as if having completed our duty, the zombies retreated before us.
Into the deep darkness of the basement, they vanished like an illusion.
What remained where Heea had fallen was only the remnants of her white dress, torn beyond recognition and stained with red and green, along with the small yellow bag she carried until the end.
Worried that she might get hurt, the thick clothes I made her wear didn’t provide any shielding from the zombies’ sharp claws and teeth.
And then, it seemed like they were here to take away our last hope──
‘───Ah.’
Heea’s body was not found anywhere.
─Crack….!
“I’m sorry….. I’m sorry….. I’m sorry, Heea…..!!”
I tightly hugged Heea’s last possession, the yellow bag.
I knew well I had no right to cry, yet tears flowed from my eyes like a torrential rain.
Inside the opened bag were a few boxes of board games.
Were those a surprise gift prepared by Heea for us, who had spent days playing the same game and were getting bored?
Among them were the first and third parts of a board game I had previously told Heea I wanted to play whenever I got the chance.
Had it been over a month, but Heea still held onto the story I carelessly mumbled late at night?
But.
─Drip, drip.
“More than this… I want to see you…!”
If Heea isn’t here, these games mean nothing.
If that child isn’t here to extend her hand towards us, who gather to play games in the living room, then no one will.
“Why did you do this….!! Why did you do this, Heea…!”
Why, why indeed.
Why did you save us useless ones, Heea.
The boxes of games that lay scattered on the floor, among them the one marked ‘3’ did not contain the hourglass that was supposed to be there.
In the end, that child went for the game board, thinking of us till the end.
Even in that dangerous moment surrounded by zombies, while she was safe from being spotted by them, she prioritized our safety over her own.
Truly, even knowing what could happen to herself.
She stabbed a sharp piece into her own arm──
“──Ugh, cough! Ugh!!”
Wahhhh.
I turned my head to the side and spat out the yellow liquid.
In the stinking room, the sour smell of the liquid I expelled mixed in.
Maybe it was because I hadn’t had a drop of water since yesterday; fortunately, aside from a bit of stomach acid, nothing else came out.
“……….”
The opaque liquid splattered on the floor. On its surface, my pathetic appearance was reflected.
With hollow eyes, I stared at my own face.
Dark circles under my eyes, hair matted into clumps, I looked truly terrible.
Even though the face reflected there was no one but my own, I felt a nauseating discomfort as if my insides were twisting.
Exactly. For this reason.
For this useless guy, that child sacrificed her life.
“───?!”
Crack!
With a feeling as if something was tightly blocking my throat, I shoved my hand into my mouth all the way to my wrist.
Gagging. The hand, which surely couldn’t fit in my mouth, somehow sank deep down to the root.
But all that came out was the sticky drool and a bit of blood from the wounds.
The relief I sought, the refreshment I wanted, was nowhere to be found.
Rather, that maddening suffocation.
That discomfort gripping my throat.
It only grew stronger as time went by.
Then.
You killed her.
“…..!!”
The reflection on the surface of the water glared at me.
I killed her.
“………”
Opening my mouth and eyes, it pointed at itself with a finger.
No.
It pointed at me.
The reflection said.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
Over and over.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
Nonstop.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
You killed Heea.
I killed Heea.
It went on and on——
Boom!
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh───!!!”
I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry───
Like someone escaping from something, I rapidly dashed out from where I had been sitting moments ago.
Was I trying to escape the fragments of the past that blamed me, or was it myself here?
I covered my ears and closed my eyes, tumbling on the ground, banging against the walls, holding my breath, and screaming as I rushed through the hallway.
─Tap.
“…….Ah….Ah!”
Haah, haah. Arriving at a place, the aimless flight ended at a narrow balcony revealed by pushing past double glass.
The balcony, characterized by its sea-colored tiles.
On a certain dawn, when the stars swam beautifully.
A place where Heea and I stood, looking at each other, alone.
“……….”
But in that place full of memories, I stood there alone, lonely.
Swish, I climbed over the railing.
The sturdy iron railing meant to prevent people from falling.
But ironically, at this moment, it was being used as support to drop me from a higher place.
“….Ha, haha…”
If I drop from here, could I die?
Maybe if my neck broke, I could die.
Even if I can’t die, the zombies occasionally creeping up shouldn’t prolong my end.
I thought of the kids who would be lying in their rooms right now, hoping my corpse wouldn’t attract them, and that Yeon-i and Jeong-eun wouldn’t suffer deeply from my death.
……
I’m sorry, Yeon-i.
I’m sorry, Jeong-eun.
I’ve thought about it deeply.
Perhaps someone like me shouldn’t have survived at all.
You always praised me for being neutral and rational, but you know, right? I’m neither smart nor brave.
I’m just someone who hates fighting others, always choosing the middle ground of everyone’s opinions.
In reality, I have always done nothing, haven’t I?
Just being a burden to you, unable to protect Heea properly.
A pretty shell, shiny on the outside, but empty inside.
It’s because of someone like me that we’ve ended up like this.
If someone is to be blamed, it would surely be my fault for following your opinions without voicing any.
If I hadn’t been here, everyone might have had a better life than now.
Heea might still be alive.
…..
Yeah, it’s all my fault.
I don’t blame you.
No one can blame you.
There’s no one who would dare curse the efforts and passion you’ve all shown.
Though I can only stake my worthless life on it, I can still ensure this much.
So.
So, kids.
“…..I’ll come to see you, Heea.”
You’re not bad.
The bad ones are just me, a coward who couldn’t endure fear and ran away first.
Just one fool named Lee Hwa-min.
And that fool is just making another foolish choice.
“………”
Whee~ the wind that has now completely transformed into summer breezes through and caresses my body.
That wind, which had only been suffocating and stifling until now, felt strangely refreshing today, like winter’s air.
As the breeze tickled my body, I stood with my feet on the railing, closing my eyes to quietly enjoy that brief moment of freshness.
….Ah, yes.
Finally, it feels like I can let go a bit.
“………”
I opened my eyes and took a deep breath.
It may very well be my last breath in life.
Savoring that short lingering sound, I slowly moved my right foot forward────
[‘───■…..■…….’]
“──?!”
My foot remained frozen in its forward position.
My eyes wide open.
My mouth agape, unable to close.
In this ridiculous and precarious pose, my eyes surely stared intensely at one point.
Did I make a mistake?
There’s no way.
Did I see wrong?
There’s no way I mis-saw.
Is it an illusion?
It can’t be.
[‘………….■.’]
“……Ah, hey?”
Of course.
There’s no way I wouldn’t recognize that color, even if it was a mistake.
In the distance, between the narrow gaps of the alley that’s hard to see with the naked eye.
In a fleeting moment, perhaps even shorter than the blink of an eye.
I saw very clearly.
Not that it seemed drained or gave an impression of being hollow.
The pure white snow falling directly from the sky, resembling it perfectly.
─Pat, pat.
[‘■……..■……..’]
“….Heea, hey?”
That pure white hair.
I definitely saw it.
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