When you realize that you cannot sleep, it becomes even more difficult to sleep. The more impatient you are, the more you are driven into a corner, and when you greet the morning without sleeping a wink, you will only feel more tired. The day will also pass restless and you will feel uncomfortable the whole day.
It was what happening to Violette. She couldn’t fall asleep no matter how much she tried. Maybe she could have a moment of tranquility with her eyes closed, but her turbulence heart never failed to take that away too. She started to think, it would be better if she passed out, at least she would be able to sleep for a while. But can that really be called sleep?
Violette felt as if her organs were filled with stones, and a pressure, completely different from the weight or gravity was clinging to her entire body which was indescribable.
If she weren’t in the classroom, she would have held her head and let out a heavy sigh.
Fortunately or unfortunately, thanks to the environment that prevented her from doing so, she could gaze on the outside from her seat with a melancholy look in her eyes. The garden outside the classroom gave her a moment of peace which she desperately needed. But Violette’s appearance was so glamorous that she attracted attention just by looking at the emptiness with a downcast look. She couldn’t help but think, was it really a benefit or a loss that she attracts people’s attention even more which she always wanted to avoid? For the person who doesn’t want to stand out, attention is nothing but bothersome to the said person. Especially Violette, who was on a downcast mood all day.
After all, nothing had solved even though she avoided Yulan.
It was only natural that the house was no different from a poisonous swamp for Violette, where she never had a single memory of happiness. Even so, she should have had a tolerance for it from long ago. She have gone through many sleepless nights so she wasn’t bothered by the people of the house anymore.
But when she started to think about the feelings she suddenly become aware of and the relationship with Yulan, her brain started to come up with all kinds of possibilities on its own, as if the dam had been broken. Even if she had managed to sleep with such uneasy heart, she would have had horrible nightmares.
As it turned out, she could neither sleep nor pass out.
Violette somehow managed to finish both dinner and breakfast because Marin had reduced the portions for her. If she had not noticed, she would have suffered from the torture of the food she was forced to swallow.
She was grateful to Marin for that. At the same time, it pained her to know that she had made her worry.
She wondered how much Marin cared about her. No, she actually knew how much her well-being is important to Marin, and it made her feel useless to not be able to relieve her sorrow.
(Normally, it would be much easier.)
Usually, if something bothered her, she could have given up more easily. This kind of thing happened so much that she was used to not care about something that bore no goodness to her.
Just choose the least hurtful of the few options and forget everything. Worrying and thinking about it never worked for her, so she would just force her mind to stop thinking about it and do what rationality told her to do.
This time, too, she tried the same thing. It was not necessary to think about it, it was okay to discard these feelings that could only harm Yulan. Violette knew well how to discard them or kill them.
She never felt any pain or suffering in the process. To her, it’s just a process, a process of forgetting the reason of her pain. All she have to do is give up on her will to remember it, and her body would automatically adapt to it.
This was the best solution, the only solution out there that can help her forget everything.
But why can’t I put it into action?
（I thought I had no greed left in me.)
Violette thought she had used up all her willpower in the memory of that sin.
Even at that time, the end result was disastrous because of the eruption of suppressed feelings and desires, but nothing seemed to had changed at the root.
She clung to the hope of freedom, dreamed of the sun, of a little light. She was sure that one day a prince would come to save her, take her away from the godforsaken world and set her free.
She mistakenly thought she was a heroine in a tragic novel.
She thought that all the emotions she had been killing were sacrifices for a happy ending.
She thought she could be happy, she would show those one who never believed she could happy that how happy she was. A heroine must be happy. For that, she was allowed to do whatever she wants. And that was why Violette, the real her, died. That hope killed her from inside and outside.
Violette finally realized now that her thoughts were nothing but a piper’s dream. A bad ending was the right choice for the end performance of the foolish heroine who believed that her twisted love was longing, dreams were reality, and ideals were hope.
They emptied her willpower, crushed her heart, and leaving only a empty shell with only the name, Violette. She was the living prove what dreams, longing and hope can do to a person. So, instead of having dreams or hopes, she choosed the despair to swallow. No more longing, no more envy, no more hope.
Having abandoned such greed, she could rest assured that this time she would not make a mistake.
“Oh …… sorry, what is it?”
The thoughts that kept swirling, twisting and churning in her head made her forget where she was at the moment.
The person who spoke to Violette was a girl who looked vaguely familiar. She recognized her face, but she couldn’t remember her name. She was a classmate who seemed familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
In other words, they were not the kind of people she would casually make small talk with.
“I am sorry to call on you so suddenly. Violette-sama has a visitor.”
“I what ……?”
Who could it be, Violette’s heart how my became heavy just imagining it.
In the past, Violette’s circle of friends were surprisingly small. Her contacts were limited, and among them she could think of who was friendly to her was Yulan. So she couldn’t understand who could it be except for him. If it were her sister, Marijune, then the girl would have said her sister came, rather than saying a visitor. Vahan family tree is self-explanatory to many people.
This would limit the number of people who would visit Violette. Then it can only be Yulan, whom she desperately wanted to avoid.
He may have come to ask about yesterday. She was aware that she had cut off the conversation quite unnaturally, and she also remembered that she had acted as if she was avoiding him. It wad no wonder that Yulan was suspicious.
“Thank you for telling me.”
“No, no, …….”
The path to the door, where the person waiting for her seemed to be, seemed far away, and yet it seemed she reached there pretty fast.
If it were some other day, she would be happy to know it was Yulan who came to meet her. She had always been happy to spend time with him.
But now. For Violette now, it was unbearably frightening. Her lungs felt heavy with pressure. It was painful to be happy for her, and sad to be joyful. If only she could reject it, everything would be all right.
Torn by such contradictions and conflicts, she turned her attention to the person outside the door.
Their eyes met at a much lower position than expected. Violette could do nothing but froze in surprise and doubt.
The conflict that existed a moment ago disappeared instantly, and the only thing that filled her brain was question marks caused by her inability to understand.
It was much more surprising thing than she had expected. The possibility that she could come to her had never even occurred to her.
“Good morning, ……!”
The princess, with a strong expression, a trembling voice, and a stiff body, expressing with all her might that she was nervous, stood before her. It was none other than Rosette.