72. The Key to Reas
Violette knows two consequences of monopoly.
One is, of course, the end of the absolution she experienced herself. The other is the end of a foolish woman who loves and desires only one person.
The woman who continued to seek a man until the moment her life ended, but she still could not win his heart even in death. She hoped that if she fell ill, if her life was in danger, he would come back to her. A woman who was not rewarded with a piece of her beloved’s heart, but simply died without her wish fulfilled.
That is the mother Violette knew.
(…… This is the worst)
On the bed, Violette pressed her forehead on the pillow. She was not completely exhausted, and her body felt rather heavier than when she slept, as if she had had a bad dream. Fortunately, she never remembered the contents of the dream. Most of the time, actually. But the nightmares must be horrible enough for her to woke up in the middle of the night.
Violette has become so used to headaches and stomach pains that they have become dull, but she was wondering which is better, since she could feel the unexplainable pressure and fatigue more heavily than ever today. If she were to ask Marin, she would probably say that both are bad for the body.
Violette got up from the bed with her heavy body, which has become difficult to move due to the additional weight, and headed for the mirror with unsteady steps. She felt light-headed not only because she just woke up from sleep, but also because she has the same symptoms that she always had whenever she didn’t get enough sleep. It was the same symptom as when she was sleep-deprived. But the restorative effects of sleep were apparently shattered by the nightmare.
(My face is …… a little pale.)
The face she saw in the mirror was paler than usual.
The weight she felt behind her eyes gave her some idea of what to expect, but if possible, she wanted her to be wrong.
The pale complexion can be disguised to some extent with makeup. Violette knew that she was worrying Marin, but she also knew that hiding it badly will hurt her. And most of all, Marin would have expected this outcome.
The problem was the other one. There is someone who knows Violette better than she does.
(Yulan will find out about this, too.)
There is no way he would not have noticed a change in Violette, even if it was only slight. Even if her face hadn’t become much pale, the intensity of her makeup would have been obvious.
Normally, Violette would only feel sorry. Even though she felt guilty for worrying him, she was sure she could have smiled and said ‘thank you’ for worrying about her and ‘I’m sorry’ to him. And Yulan would have reluctantly agreed. Such an exchange would have saved her heart, usually.
But she had never felt this way since the day they first met. No matter who else she had to keep away, Yulan had always been the only one who was special to her.
Violette was afraid to see Yulan. Just imagining his smile brings back yesterday’s fear.
The possibility of her greed hurting him was terrifying.
(What should I do? ……)
Violette was so preoccupied with the unsolved problem that she couldn’t get anything done until Marin came to call her.
Originally, Yulan did not visit Violette every day. He may have visited more often, but even so, he had his own social relationships. Violette has never heard Yulan talk about his interaction with other nobles, but it was easy to imagine how fluent he would be with them, considering his communication skills.
During the test time, Violette was next to him almost every day, but once the test was over, things weren’t the same as before.
Violette never imagined that she would feel so much relief and so much awkwardness about it until …… yesterday.
The sighs that overflowed from her mouth were unexpectedly loud, but Violette is the only one in this place right now.
The gazebo, where Violette is sitting is always chilly because of the lack of sunlight, and many people do not know it exists because it is not easily seen by others. Above all, the gazebo itself is beautiful, but the surrounding area is left natural. The landscaping is well maintained and beautiful from afar, but the atmosphere is not one that one would want to get too close to.
Violette didn’t want to think of it as a way to avoid Yulan, but she couldn’t deny that when she chooses a place that is not popular and she doesn’t usually use herself, because she wanted to avoid others.
Now, she just wanted to be alone and sort out these feelings.
Guilt and self-loathing. Two things she had felt many times before, but this time, these feelings are more suffocating than usual.
(…… There’s no such thing as a solution.)
In the first place, it’s not that something happened. It’s just that she noticed something sprouting inside of her, and she became discouraged on her own. The only way to solve this problem for Violette was to take care of it.
The only thing she could do was to avoid Yulan, even if she was wrong,…….
“You’ve been a little too lenient,…….”
The smile of self-mockery that unintentionally leaked out drifted in the empty space. The sky was blocked by the white ceiling, but Violette could still see the sky.
The wind that ruffled the trees was a little cold, and the sun was slightly hidden from view because of the white clouds, making the sunlight dimmer than usual.
It was like a prison somewhere.
Violette could still remember her time in prison. The wishes and regrets that she vowed to keep that day are all etched in her heart and will never fade away.
But it’s still not enough. Her resolve was still weak. Greed was outpouring from her heart again, and it will not disappear so easily. That is why she must strengthen her resolve to control it.
Violette is sure that she isn’t under any illusion where the world changes with a blink of an eye or with a single breath. Because just how feelings change, they can easily drift away, too. If you still want to cherish it, you have to cling to it desperately.
She couldn’t let this feeling, this greed, hurt her, again.
(I’ll do my best. …… I promise)
Violette would control it, her greed, her expectations. She will make it disappear. Someday, somehow, she will make it disappear.
She swore, clenching her fist firmly and pretended she didn’t notice the slight sadness that was growing in her heart.
72. The key to reason
72. The Key to Reas