56. Someone said it was like the sun.

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Her smile, a gorgeous smile like a blooming flower.

 But it was not reminiscent of the usual roses, but more like a flower garden filled with small flowers.

 The smile and the touch of her fingers on his cheek reminded him of a precious memory. The one that he usually keep in a very safe place, very carefully, so that no one can easily destroy or defile it.



 It was their first meeting. The first time he met her, she said one word to him.

 Your eyes are so beautiful – that’s what she said to him that day, too.



 Until then, Yulan hated it.

 He hated these eyes that made him aware of his upbringing, even if he didn’t want to be aware of it, the people around him made it sure to remind him the responsibility the colours brought to him. He hated the royal family of this country, who made laws without any shred of responsibility and break them like breaking a glass vase, treated people like trash and never had any shred of respect for those of common background.

 So, he hated the color gold, their symbol of suprimacy.



“Your eyes are of a dirty colour.”

“They are disgusting.”



 Instead of their parents keeping their mouths shut and teaching their children, they send their children to throw insult at him. Being cursed and bullied by those children was very normal to him.

 It would have been better if Yulan, born by a mere concubine was ordinary as other children. But being born with these golden eyes is what brought his demise.

 It should be common for child to inherit his father’s eyes. But people of this country are poor with common senses. What should be considered normal everywhere is considered abnormal and heretical to the nobility of this country since royalty is involved.



 Perhaps it was only natural that he hated his father, hated the people of this country, especially nobles, and before he knew it, he had come to hate this country.



 The only good thing that happened to him since birth was that the couple of the branch family who took him in was a generous person who saw abnormality as his unique quality. If he had been scorned even at home, Yulan’s young heart would have died in a flash.

 Even so, he was hurt to the extent that the expectations of his nature to receive familial affection was evaporated, and it could not be repaired.



 He still managed to stand, though, with a battered and bruised heart.



 The monsters, who called themselves as adult was the one that created such distrust in his heart. It crawled to his mind and took its permanent residents there.

  He was condemned for a crime he did not commit. Even though he kept crying and begging them for their forgiveness. They are like heroes who saves people from The Demon King and speaks of justice, but behind people’s back, they are the one who doesn’t hesitate to put a knife on someone’s heart. It has become normal for the people here so no one question about it.

 Once someone fall under the scheme of the so-called heroes, it’s over. They are beaten to the point that they can never get up again.

 That’s how they trample on people. Put all their strength into their feet and stomp on the heart of the innocent.

 Yulan tried desperately to resist, but he could not even take a passive stance, so he could only endure. That is the best he could do back then. There was no way he could fight back against them.

 How reckless to say, “Don’t lose hope. Because this is not a contest, but a one-sided violation.”

 All he could do is endure. There was no way for him to recover, even though he know his heart is being chipped away.

 Sometimes the stress was so overwhelming that he almost lost his sanity. He wanted to end his stubborn life. He tried and tried and tried his best to endure. But in a corner of his mind, he was waiting for his mind to crumble and his thoughts to stop.



 He had given up. There was no change, no end, no salvation.



 But never in a million year ever did he imagined that someone would take it all away from him. Someone would take all his pain away and give him the salvation he was so desperate for.



“I think your eyes are beautiful, though.”



 When was the last time he heard those words? Yulan wish he could remember all of his memories of Violette vividly. He actually remember many of them, but the moment of their encounter is the only one that is hazy. He is so disappointed in himself. He should have remember it since it was around even time when he had given up. His heart paralyzed and devoid of any emotion. He could only look at things from a bird’s eye view.

 However, the only thing he remember is the moment when the voice reached his ears. He could remember every detail of that moment, recorded like a melodic song.



 The figure had short hair and was dressed in formal attire, seemingly like a little boy. The figure was standing in the shadow of the trees and buildings, but the light behind him made him seem almost sacred.

 Despite his soft smile, he looked around the entire place with a condescending, high-pressure gaze. The people who was bullying Yulan also stopped their momentum and stared at her as if looking at a snake.



“I’m sorry for interrupting all of a sudden. I just heard your voice, you know.”



“Violette-sama……, why ……?”



“I told you I heard voices, didn’t I?”



  Violette – Violette Rem Vahan.

 Everyone knows her name, the daughter of the Vahan family. For better or worse, she is a famous and prominent figure in the society.



 She is like a parade of elements that Yulan is not good at.



 However, it seems that Yulan was not the only one who was shocked by her appearance.

 The children who were bullying Yulan was also staring at her blankly. They have been so confident in front of Yulan. But the way their mouth was agape while staring at her blankly made them look like goldfish. Perhaps that is why his memory of that moment is hazy.

 What was happening in front of his eyes seemed to him to be something else. It was not until much later that he realized he was in the middle of being saved.

 But at the time, he just wanted the time to pass quickly. He didn’t move, he just lowered his gaze and closed his heart.


“Are you okay?”

 Yulan thought he had closed his heart as well as his hearing, but because the only person left in that quiet place did not seem to care and kept talking.

 He did not offer a hand. It was not a gentle exhortation. He just asked because he curious, that’s all.



“…………”



“If you’re hurt, you need to go to the infirmary. Unfortunately, I don’t know where that is.”



 Yulan fell silent and seemed to have given up on seeking a response quickly. The person who continued to talk alone was just a different person.

 If she had been a person who was bullying him up until now, she would have made a fuss as just because Yulan did not responded. No one would have even tried to talk to Yulan before that. He was treated worse than an animal, and hurled insults that he did not remember.

“I’m not hurt …….”


“Hmm?”



People said his eyes are weird, that they’re fake …… and too disgusting to look at.



 That’s what everyone said. No matter how much the person who adopted and raised affirms it, a stone always thrown at him by the strangers. Although, some of them won’t insult him directly, their words filled with contempt was enough to break his mind. Their gaze at him was much more hurtful than those who directly insulted him.

 Yulan’s dislike towards him and the society was piling up like this. He wanted gauge his eyeballs out. If he could, he would have done that long time ago.



 Yulan didn’t want to be abandoned by others. Not by his family or by the people. If he could take these eyes away and fill his socket with another colour, he would have done that just so he could live happily.

 If they could, Yulan wish they could rip them out by the roots.

He would rather be killed than be deprived of any affection and shunned by everyone. He would have rather had himself killed.

 If he could, he never wanted to born and die as soon as possible.



 He didn’t want this color.



It’s not a fake or disgusting but he couldn’t make anyone understand it.



“It’s …….”



 Yulan’s shoulders flinched unconsciously at the powerful voice. It was acted as instinct. He reacted unintentionally to the tone of the voice, but it was a little different than being scared or humiliated.

Yulan looked up at Violette, his gaze was strong as if he was he was glaring at her. But still, she didn’t find it as scary.. The reason she didn’t find it scary was because the expression on his face looked like he was about to cry.

 Violette knew that his gaze at her looked sharp not because he was glaring at her, but because he was holding back tears.



“One cannot be anyone but oneself. One cannot be someone else’s impersonation.”



 Slowly, as if telling the words to herself, she weave them together. The words crushed his heart painfully, sadly. It blocked his throat with unknown emotion. They were the words he have always wanted to hear.



You are who you are.



“Oh, oh, …….”



 Before Yulan knew, he found himself sitting up. Violette bent down and finally they had eye contact, and that’s when he knew for the first time that he wasn’t on the ground anymore.



She said, “I’m Violette. What’s your name?”



I’m Violette.



 The words broke off the walls around his heart.

 Name. A name. His name. He have almost forgotten it. He knows but can’t seems spill it properly.

 Because the fake did not have a name. Because the name Yulan was a false name. The name Yulan was a false name to everyone but himself.

 The most precious and tender part of his weak heart. He didn’t want to be hurt anymore, he didn’t want to be tarnished by their insult, he didn’t want to be denied as a human. He wanted to speak but his throat refused to make a sound.

 Fear and caution was flowing through his blood to protect little Yulan’s tiny heart. The only room he has for courage has withered into a memory of the past.

 What should I do? What should I do?

 The more impatient he became, the harder it was to get his mouth to work. If he kept her waiting forever, he would turn back into a disgusting thing again. The person in front of him – Violette, who had told him he was the real thing – would think that he was a fake after all.

 He didn’t want to cry, but his eyeballs were burning. He have been clinging to the belief that he would not be defeated by any malice, but at that very moment, he felt as if his resolve would be shattered.



 He felt frustrated, bitter, and sad.

 The tears that have accumulated in the years overflow and fell one by one.



“I’m not a fake, I can tell you my name.”



 She laughed, laughed as if a flower had bloomed.

 While looking like a boy and using words that sounded like a boy, her smile was sweet, gentle and beautiful.



 Girls are made of sugar, spice, and something wonderful.



 He could hear the voice of a singing somewhere. He didn’t know who was singing it, but it felt as if his mother was singing. The sound of her laugh was as beautiful as his mother’s singing.

 But he couldn’t even remember her voice anymore, but he recognized the phrase that remained in a corner of his memory.



 From the moment he recognized it, Violette became the only “girl” in the world for Yulan.



“Yulan, ….., Yulan, Kuguru, su…”



“Well then, Yulan. I am going to have dinner now, would you like to join me?”



“I can go?”



“I’m the one who’s inviting you. …… if you don’t mind.”



“I don’t mind. ……, let’s go.”



 He got up and chased after Violette who was going ahead of him. He was a little smaller than his peers, but Yulan’s walking speed and stride were different, and many times the distance between them was too great. But everytime she stopped and waited for him with a smile.





It was not until a little later that he became aware of his love towards her. At the time, he was just following behind her like a younger brother who adored his older sister. He thinks he was too much of a hassle for her and too clingy with her. But later he realized his heart was unconsciously overflowing with love.



 She was like his sister, his benefactor, a girl, and his unconscious first love.

 Yulan just wanted to be near her, he wanted to be with her anyway possible, and every time he saw her, he would charge in and become a clinging bug. She smiled and accepted him, but he wanted to be near her more and more. He wanted to be sticked with her like a glue and never leave her.

 He liked her, He loved her, and Yulan’s form of love was Violette. He wanted her to know and receive his love as much as possible, and that was all he could think.



He didn’t want to someone else’s impersonation in her eyes. Neither he wants the same thing to happen to her. He wanted to see her as she was and vice versa.


“I don’t want to be someone’s shadow.”

It was later that he realized what she meant with those words…..

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