55. Dreams are illusions

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The furrowed brow, the lowered head, and the pursed lips that seemed to be holding something back.

 He looked hurt. There was no sign of tears in his eyes, but the dry, cracked surface of his face is far from his always gentle and smiling face. His forever happy expression is peeling away, only leaving a face that seems wants to cry.

Violette couldn’t understand what made him to make that face.

“Yulan ……?”

 Yulan, standing there when she turned around, was not wearing a soft air like usual. His expression was dark and stagnant, like a back alley after rain, filled suffocating moisture and humidity.

“Were you happy?”

Yulan with his tattered mask, tries desperately to smile. But the expression of his face is no different than crying. It’s as if he is strangling himself just to spill his words and smile.

 At least to Violette, it looked as if he is about to collapse.

She thought, Yulan may break with just a simple harsh word. She wanted to open her mouth and say a few comforting words to him. But for some reason, her throat feels constricted, as if her voice is blocked by something.


She feels like it’s necessary for her to say something, but she couldn’t understand what to say. She can see Yulan is hurt, she can clearly see it in his eyes, but she can’t understand what might have hurt him and what could she say to make it disappear.

She can just forcefully hold the wounded place and try to stop the bleeding. If not do that, then how could she help him? She wonders if she could put a bandage over the wounded heart and let it heal faster.

 What should she say to Yulan to make him feel better?

“You were looking so happy….. “

“I’m ……”

Yulan bit down his lip so hard that it almost made a grinding sound. He doesn’t seems to feel any pain but Violette could see that it’s only a matter of time before blood flows from his lips.

She never wanted to hurt him, but for some reason she feels that she is the one making Yulan look like this, and it crushes her fragile heart. She never had any friends except for Yulan so she doesn’t know how to comfort people. It was always him who comforted her not the other way around. She is also not good with her words either. She haven’t been involved in a conversation with others except him, so she doesn’t know what word should she choose to comfort him.

 It’s the first time when she finds it difficult to communicate and convey her words to him.

“I am happy for what Yulan did for me.”

 This day was wonderful to her because of the opportunities that Yulan brought to her. The progress she have made in study for the test, the unexpected side of an unexpected person, and the pleasant feeling of making a new acquaintance are all thanks to Yulan.

 It was certainly a joy to be able to talk naturally with Claudia, but the feeling she got from that was relief, not happiness.

 The source of her happiness, the source of her joy, the source of her smile, it was all Yulan.

So, Don’t smile with such a sad, painful face.

“You thought about me and wanted to help, didn’t you?”

 Thank you. You thought of me, you wanted to help me, you wanted to be useful.

Thanks to Yulan, she can have a nice dream today.

 Even now, she is not sure how to put it. She is very immature when it comes to feelings. She doesn’t have the experience to be grateful to anyone. Because all she did in her previous life was be jealous of Marijune. She never expressed her feelings for herself.

 And she had never thanked him for that.

She was overcome by the grief of her own misfortune, and was so busy feeling sorry for herself, that she never thought about the people who cared for her.

She never realized how little but powerful the word of thanks means.

 Thank you is not enough. She wanted to fill it with all the thoughts and feelings that were piling up and swirling around in her head. The words of gratitude are too shallow compared how much Yulan did for her.

Till this day, she didn’t know until that she couldn’t find any other words than “thank you” to say to him.

“Thank you.”

 Standing in front of Yulan, Violette stared at his shimmering golden pupils.

 It’s a colour Yulan probably doesn’t like that much. But Violette never disliked his golden orbs. She thinks his eyes is as pretty as his self that’s hidden inside. Violette knows another gold that shines as if to assert its supremacy.

 Claudia Accursis.

 Violette’s prince. She dreamed that he would save her, her first love.

 For the former Violette, the gold was his colour. It was the colour of the shining sun, the same as the prince’s crown. She thought he was her sun in her ever dark life. But it was in prison that day that she learned that a dream is just a dream, just a fantasy to everyone but Violette.

……Dreams are beautiful, after all. They are nothing but beautiful illusions filled with sweet lies.

Before Yulan could avoid it, a outstretched hand touched his cheek. It caressed his eyes, his cheeks with extreme fondness. His face that was filled with grief turned to surprise by the touch.

 A beautiful gold color. The color of the sun, the color of a sunflower scorched by the sun.

 The proof of the absolute pinnacle that attracts everyone.

Violette thought it was beautiful. She wanted the golden color of the king that Claudia bears. The girl who wanted to be the heroine of a tragedy did not stop at any means to get it.

 She was a foolish woman. And she thinks that from the bottom of her heart. Even though it was Yulan who beard the golden colour, the colour that gazed at her with adoration, she would think it was Claudia who was looking at her with those loving eyes. She was disgusted with herself for thinking like that. She was fed up with her narrow-mindedness.

 He was so close to her. She could have reached out and found someone who would accept her.

 She should have realized sooner that it was such a gentle, sun-like color.

This is Yulan’s color.

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