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It has not been as long, even so, Violette felt as if they have been away for a long time. It means that there was a time that she was longing for. In a corner of the corridor where the presence of people had faded, they could exchange words as if it were a matter of course. It was not enough just to see him, not enough just to hear his voice. not enough to reach out and touch him, not enough to feel the happiness of being in each other’s line of sight.
It was as if everything in the world was packed into this one corner.
“You haven’t left yet.”
“Vio-chan is still here, too.”
“What do you want?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to wait.”
He is always in a good mood, smiling and laughing, just like he always does. Violette wondered if the feelings she had taken for granted until now could make them feel so sacred depending on how the recipient feels about them. She wondered if everyone who falls in love feels this way.
Each gesture, each word, each movement was so special that they made her heart heavy, but she was happy to carry the weight. The more it piled up, the bigger it seemed to get. It was as if a feeling of love that is second to none was being built up. It was meaningless to compete with invisible things like feelings, Violette could feel that no one could beat the feelings she has for him.
“But where were you? I looked everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found.”
“Oh, I was in the student council chamber to…….”
Yulan’s expression shook slightly at the student council’s words. It was only a slight twitch, it only stayed a few seconds. The change was so little that it could have been forgotten in the blink of an eye, but Violette was sure that his eyes twitched in displeasure.
Violette regretted saying it, she couldn’t help but think that perhaps she should have fooled him. For Yulan, the student council and the people in it will always be unpleasant people, and he will never be someone who can dismiss their past animosity like Violette. She wondered how he felt watching her run wild with her one-sided obsession with such a person. She must have caused him a lot of worry, and perhaps he might have felt bad just because he was close to Violette. She was so blindly arrogant that she could not even think about such things.
“I’ve gone to help him with his work and …… apologize for all the things I’ve done to him.”
“Because I haven’t properly apologized for what I’ve said and done in the past.”
Despite Violette’s sunny tone, Yulan’s eyes sank much more plainly upset than before. The trembling, small, wobbling gold color overlapped with his cloudy face……, but at the same time, it also seemed completely different. Violette was sad that she was the cause of his displeasure, but she had to do it. Because at the end of the day, it would be him to whom she would say, “I love you”.
“I thought about a lot of things. I thought about myself, what I did, how I felt. I saw things I hadn’t seen before, and I learned about them. It needs a lot of courage to do that …… I didn’t even know that.”
Violette’s brain has been churning in circles as of late. Facing what you’ve been turning away from is a lot easier than you might imagine, and a lot more exhausting than you might think.
Still, just because she knew where she wanted to go didn’t mean she wanted to stop walking. It wasn’t necessary to forget her past doings just to be with whom she wanted to be, but she wanted to have a reason to be around him. Even if just a little, she wanted to cut down on the reasons why she couldn’t get close to him. It is a habit of a maiden in love to want the person they love to see only her beautiful appearance.
“Um, so I’m sorry to …… Yulan for the other day. I didn’t mean to be a jerk.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t mind, Vio-chan. I was worried about you.”
Just as always, Yulan was there for Violette, like a kind and beautiful being. To be next to him, to look back on oneself with such a desire, it may not be a true reflection and rehabilitation. But there was no way for Violette to have faith in justice now. There are no heroes who just appear and save the day. Everyone always has their own priorities, their own luck, their own choices. Righteousness is meaningless to those who are crying in a place beyond anyone’s reach. If the present changes and the result is appreciating, then reason, logic, anything is possible to change.
“I’ve done a lot of terrible things and I’ve done much, much worse than …… Yulan knows. I’ve crossed a line that no human being should ever cross. I’m a person that no one can deny saying wrong, even if I insist.”
This is a story about the past that no one knows, a story that is no longer there. She could never tell him the whole story. If she revealed her wrong doings to him now, he might wonder if she is planning to take such actions in the future. It would be a lie to say that she has no ill feelings toward Marijune, but if you ask her if she hated her to the point of wanting to kill her, she would say no. She doesn’t want to get close to her, she doesn’t want to get involved with her, nor does she want to get rid of her. Violette just wished she (Marijune) wouldn’t create any situation for her.
The reason why she chose such a roundabout and difficult-to-understand way to explain Yulan was because she didn’t want him to know. She didn’t want to expose herself to him, throw up her secret now selfishly, and then be disappointed later. She knew it was just a precautionary measure, but she had to keep him in the loop.
Because she still wants him to be with her.
“…… Vio-chan, I think you’re mistaken.”
In her downcast vision, she could see Yulan’s feet which were on the window sill stepping forward to her. Her shoulders were stiffened in anticipation of what he would say. His large hands softly cupped his ears, which were hidden by her hair and made her look up in surprise. The moment her eyes landed on him, she could see Yulan’s smile that could melt all the unhappiness away was so close to her, her forehead was almost attached to his.
The gentle voice, which only Violette could hear clearly in the small corner where they often talk privately, seeped from her ears to her heart.
“It doesn’t matter what you do, evil, good, or anything else. It doesn’t matter what you think, or what you’re going to do.”
Yulan wasn’t interested in being the hero that everyone wanted to be. He didn’t even want to be a hero who helps the weak. When he was a child, the only thing he wanted to protect was his own life. He didn’t care about anyone else, and that feeling hasn’t changed, but…
The only thing now that has changed was his feelings for Violette. After gaining Violette, Yulan wanted to become what he wanted to be for the first time.
“I don’t care about good or evil. Just remember that I’m always on Violette’s side. You are my justice.”
(I wanted to be the only one beside this person, no one else.)
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