In fact, human emotions are not so easily controlled. If everyone could easily manage their feelings, the profession of acting would have been something anyone could take up.
I have no talent for hiding my emotions. The extent of my control is just enough to hide the grumpy expression when facing my demanding boss. Even that, if I don’t have a drink later and complain to someone, time will go by and my lack of face management will start showing.
Coming back to this world, I could maintain a poker face solely because I have the ability to rewind time. There’s no need to act; I can spill my emotions beforehand or at least only show the necessary parts of my expression when facing others. That way, at least my expressions won’t falter in front of them. It’s like watching a jump scare in a horror movie and rewinding to see it again.
But right now, I can’t do that.
“……”
Still, that day just passed by. It wasn’t just me and Rena or Mia alone. The conversation we were having was pretty important, and to be honest, Alice, Charlotte, and I were each politically tied up in very deep places in our respective countries. This wasn’t exactly a conversation for ordinary nobles.
But even if that day went by unnoticed, we would see each other many more times. It isn’t limited to just seeing each other at school; we’ll run into each other often in the future.
“Sylvia.”
“……Yes.”
It feels like it’s been forever since Mia called me by my name.
Well, Mia’s personality in the illusion created by the Goddess back then was different from her current self. The shy Mia hadn’t overcome her introverted nature enough to make that leap.
And that Mia was the same person as the Mia standing in front of me now. She simply had fewer connections with me.
I never expected to run into Mia like this the very next day.
……No, it doesn’t seem like a coincidence. We ran into each other in the dormitory hallway.
Under the guise of practical training, I’ve been wandering to faraway places here and there for a year, and since I often shared a room with Alice, I had temporarily forgotten, but the academy’s dormitory rooms are single-occupancy. No matter how often I hang out with Alice, she wouldn’t be glued to me in the dormitory. There are times when everyone wants their alone time.
Mia’s room is quite a distance from my hallway. Since we hadn’t had time to spare before the academy went into indefinite closure, the room placements hadn’t changed.
In that situation, Mia walking in my hallway obviously meant she wanted to meet with me alone.
“I’d like to have a private conversation for a moment. Would that be alright?”
Mia asked carefully.
The Mia at the start of the semester, and the Mia from the world where her father wasn’t dead, were completely different; she now had a much more proactive attitude.
Of course, while saying that, she still couldn’t make full eye contact with me and kept fidgeting with her fingers, so I can’t say her personality was entirely bold.
“……Alright. Shall we talk in my room then?”
But I was prepared for this. Though I didn’t expect it to be today, I thought that eventually, we would have this conversation.
If Mia recalled the events when I rewound time, she would have so much to say. No matter how nicely I wrapped it up, my first meeting with Mia wasn’t exactly friendly.
Having killed her father, I had only lived with one goal—to avenge him. It was natural that the two would not get along.
Mia nodded at my words and didn’t say anything until we arrived at the door of my room.
*
“Ultimately, what you said was true.”
“What do you mean by ‘true’?”
“The things you said when you first met me.”
I suppressed the groan rising in my throat.
To be honest, back then, I thought I was nearly fully grasping my abilities, which is why I boldly rewound time. I needed to know how negative the feelings Mia Crowfield had toward me were to suitably respond.
What did I say back then?
I think I said I killed her father for the Emperor’s power.
And that her father was trash who abused and killed children, I think.
Even Charlotte, who was beside me, looked at me with a judging gaze, so it’s clear how openly I dropped that bombshell.
If I could see my past self sitting there, I’d want to smack the back of my own head, but since I lacked that ability now, sadly, that wasn’t happening. No, more than that, in this world, rewinding time didn’t mean I could see my past self; indeed, it was impossible from the start.
Above all, if I rewound time to that point, I would be undermining Mia’s efforts to grow. Even if I could do it, I shouldn’t.
“My father ended up getting caught by my mother. No, I think my mother may have known from the very beginning. When I was very young, so young that my memories are hazy, I existed because of the love my mother had for my father, but… there’s always a limit to a person’s heart.”
“Is that so.”
The only answer I could muster was that.
What should I say to someone who casually makes light of their dead father? If the person who uttered that casually said, ‘Well, actually experiencing it confirms you were right,’ what could I respond?
Honestly, the uncomfortable time I spent at Grace’s estate not long ago felt like a soft and warm place compared to this. Thinking about it, that place was indeed a warm and soft seat. It reaffirmed the meaning of family and once again welcomed me as a family member.
On the other hand, here—regardless of whether Mia’s true feelings were different—my past wrongdoings were being dissected one by one. If I were to rank the black history of my actions since coming to this world, the infamous bombshell I dropped, which I thought was ‘absolutely unfathomable to the other party,’ is probably the worst of them all.
Well, I’m not really sure how to explain that situation to the daughter of the person I killed.
“Watching my family fall apart since childhood was painful. I didn’t understand why I had to live that life or why things turned out this way, just blaming the situation, until I happened to overhear my parents fighting and learned the truth… In a sense, I could say my second childhood felt like hell.”
But there’s no need for me to be grateful for killing that father. I couldn’t do anything for Mia back then. I might have encountered Mia a few times in the mansion, but just like Mia doesn’t remember me, my memories of her are also faint. To Mia, I was just a passing little maid, and I had been desperately trying not to reveal I was a princess.
Perhaps I might not have recognized the Mia of my childhood properly. She probably wouldn’t have dressed overly fancy either. Maybe it was because she didn’t wear lavish clothes like a noble lady.
“…….”
“I’m sorry. If I say this, you might not have a response, Sylvia.”
It was uncomfortable. Frankly, it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. It wasn’t that I was uninterested; I wanted to avoid listening because I had some involvement in Mia’s misfortunes as well.
But that didn’t mean I had the right to not listen.
I too have my own thoughts. If it comes to having to kill someone, especially if that person isn’t just a target I have to rush against on the battlefield but one with whom I should have solid reasons for their death, I would think through the details more closely.
I did the same when I killed Count Crowfield. In the original story, the count’s death was pivotal in connecting Mia and Claire, and I investigated why that Count Crowfield met his demise thoroughly, even though he wasn’t even in the original.
I concluded he was a person deserving of death.
Even if I went back with the knowledge of the current situation, I would repeat the same actions. If someone were to ask me who gave me the right, I would retort, “Would you let him live?”
But saying such things in front of his daughter was indeed a line I shouldn’t cross.
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