Chapter: 863
Memories flood back.
Most of them are from a past life.
I see moments right after my mother left. I could see myself slowly falling apart.
The me who used to break and throw things around. The me who mistreated my servants.
Those damned days when I would scream over trivial matters.
Even when someone worried about me, I was the one who perceived my own affection as malevolence.
Day by day, someone was watching me from afar as I continued to ruin myself.
“Father?”
Whether I was on the verge of tears or filled with anger, my father was watching me from a distance while I crumpled and withered away. When was this memory? I don’t know. It’s hard to even assert that it’s my memory.
I didn’t even know I had this memory.
So, is it an illusion? It seemed right to think so, but it didn’t feel entirely like that.
Then, could this really be a memory? A memory I’m not aware of?
“Why?”
Why does it come to mind now? I can’t understand.
Moreover…
“Why is he making that face?”
Why is my father looking at me like that? He always seems expressionless, but there’s something different about it.
What kind of eyes are those?
Disgust? Or contempt? Back then, I thought that was the only way my father looked at me, but his eyes now are different. Hidden within those indifferent, expressionless eyes is concern.
Concern? My father is worried about me?
From a distance, he’s keeping watch without approaching. His hands and feet move ever so slightly, as if he’s contemplating drawing near.
After staring at me for a while, my father finally squeezed his eyes shut and turned away.
“Why?”
Why can’t he come closer and is instead turning away? Why does he wear that kind of expression?
I have no idea.
At that moment, the scene suddenly changes.
When was that? Judging by the age, it looks pretty similar to now. Ah, I think I get it.
It must have been shortly after I became the Young Lord.
—You still haven’t come to your senses. How long do you plan to live like this?
My father’s expression looked exceptionally angry for once.
What could have made him so mad? I understand the timing but not the context.
That makes sense, since there were more than a few moments like that soon after becoming the Young Lord.
Upon hearing this, I pouted my lips and said,
“Why now? Are you trying to care?”
Even I thought my expression was incredibly rude. How could one make such a face?
Especially since I was still ugly back then, before shedding my skin.
“Why are you suddenly trying to do something you’ve never done? Just leave it as is.”
“…”
My father, who had been angry, seemed to be silenced by my words, remaining utterly speechless.
Back then, I must have been terrified deep down.
But even so, my anger stemmed from my own accumulated frustrations.
Of course, that was true.
“If you’re trying to be a father at this late stage, I have no need for it.”
I can’t say that my ridiculous attitude was justified.
I was foolish.
“…”
My father didn’t say a word. We locked eyes for a long moment.
“…Get out.”
The order to leave was issued.
“You’ll be under house arrest until you go to Hanam.”
“Understood. I’ll do as you say.”
After our quarrel-like exchange, I closed the door and left.
What on Earth did I do wrong? What could I have done to deserve this punishment?
I couldn’t really recall much of what I had done.
All I knew right then was…
After I left, my father pressed his forehead and sighed softly.
That expression felt oddly familiar.
“Why…”
Why do you keep showing me this?
The scene shifts again.
This time, it’s a rainy day.
My heart plummets. I can recognize this day at once.
My father collapsed, bleeding. He had suddenly aged, his face wrinkled, and his hair turned white.
Even the once vibrant red color of his eyes was gradually fading away.
That was the moment.
The day I took my father’s life with my own hands.
The final conversation with him, as his breaths grew shallower.
This was undeniably a memory from that time.
“I forgive you.”
That day, when I forgave my father for trying to kill me with his own hands.
“Live.”
Even the breath of a father who forced that worthless son to stay alive.
I don’t want to see that memory.
It was so tragic and repulsive that I wished to erase it forever if I could.
If I could intervene, I would dash over and crush that bastard.
[You couldn’t escape this moment.]
I recall what Gu Yan Hualun Gong said.
I think I get it now. I was still trapped in that day’s situation.
The weather was cold, and the rain fell incessantly.
My father’s lips, which had been exhaling, gradually closed.
His life was slipping away.
I sat down quietly and watched my father.
The thing is, he was watching me too.
My eyes widened as I witnessed the scene.
Could it be because I was recalling childhood memories?
I realized far too late.
“…the look in his eyes.”
From the moment I began seeing these memories until now.
My father looked at me the same way.
I always thought his gaze was filled with contempt, anger, and disgust. But his eyes were tinged with concern just like the first time.
Why would he worry about me? Why doesn’t he hate me or loathe me?
So, are you saying he never hated me in the first place?
My head spins. If that really was how it was in my past life…
“Then what about now?”
What does my father think of me now?
What was his gaze like when he looked at me?
As I pondered this, clarity struck me.
Ah, I realized I’ve never truly looked my father in the eyes, neither in my past life nor in this one.
No wonder I can’t decipher if he ever looked at me like that.
This realization churns my stomach.
Simultaneously, I wondered if I was unaware of this or if I just didn’t try to find out.
“It must be the latter.”
It had to be that way.
[I hate you.]
I begin to understand the flames’ words.
I hated myself too.
[Why are you alive?]
I want to ask myself the question: why am I alive?
I merely wanted to live. That was my answer, but it feels weak to claim that’s all it was.
Even knowing that, I had to live. No, I had to survive.
Why? I had mulled over the flames’ question countless times. Yet now it feels like I understand.
“Live.”
The words my father once spoke linger in my heart.
“Please, live.”
“Live.”
“I’ll live.”
The various ways I was encouraged to continue, despite being so broken, echoed back to me.
Each voiced their encouragement in distinctly different tones, yet the meaning remained the same.
Why do those words only resurface now?
It felt as if they were trying to reveal the very reason for my existence.
Narrow-minded and pathetic.
Here I am, finally heeding their words only to use it as my excuse. It feels so trivial and silly.
Is this alright?
I don’t know.
More importantly, right now, I simply wanted to see my father again.
As I thought this, my previously clouded vision began to clear.
*
Woohoo.
My vision was murky and my ears felt blocked.
I could hear the ringing resounding all around me.
It was as if my five senses were muted. I felt confined.
However, it appeared this was just for a moment, as my senses gradually began to return.
The first to return was my sense of smell. It seemed like my stuffy nose was clearing up, revealing a scent.
A dusty and musty aroma, mixed with an unrecognizable floral scent.
What is this? Why am I smelling flowers?
Just as I pondered the strange sense of alienation, my sense of touch returned.
I felt suffocated. It felt like something was binding my body.
What is this? Why does it feel so constricting?
Even without sight, as I attempted to move, my vision returned like a flickering ghost.
It was blurry at first, yet gradually became clearer.
Only then did I realize.
I wondered why my body felt so tied down, and then discovered I was indeed bound.
Not by ropes or anything, but by the hands and bodies of others.
“…What’s this dust and flower smell?”
I began to understand the peculiar scents.
Dust is normal in this space, but the floral fragrance came from those tying me down.
The first thing that came into view was the top of my head.
Gray and blonde strands twisted together.
Naturally, it was Namgung Bi-ah and Wi Seol-ah. The two held me tightly.
From the slight tremor, I could sense the two were shaking in fear.
As I silently observed, I asked,
“…What are you doing?”
Gasp!
At my words, both figures jolted.
Then, Wi Seol-ah cautiously lifted her head from where it had been buried in my chest.
Our eyes met and I was stunned.
Her face was a complete mess.
Terrified, her eyes bloodshot and red, streaming with tears.
“…You?”
I was about to ask why she was acting like this when—
“Sniffle… sniffle…”
“Are you crazy…?”
Wi Seol-ah suddenly burst into tears. Not just a little; tears were streaming down her face.
“Hey, hey…!”
For the first time, I was witnessing Wi Seol-ah cry like this.
I was terribly flustered and didn’t know how to handle it.
Quickly, I thought to calm her down.
But since my body wouldn’t budge, I couldn’t even attempt to comfort her.
Should I push through? But then I’d need to exert some strength…
Whoosh!
“Huh?”
“Waaah… huh!”
“…!”
As I contemplated how to escape, my body spontaneously began to shift.
My form passed through the grasping hands.
As if gliding through the air, it felt incredibly natural.
Suddenly, the two lost their balance and tumbled to the ground.
I lowered my gaze to examine my hands.
Whoosh whoosh…
They were ablaze, like flames.
It wasn’t just my hands. My body appeared whole, but I recognized…
If I wished, I could convert my entire being into flames right now.
I wasn’t sure how this was possible, but it felt instinctively true.
“…I’ve reached it.”
This was undoubtedly a moment of achievement.
A name that could only be claimed at the culmination of a journey.
Great Success.
I had now connected with the essence of the Gu Yan Hualun Gong.
Otherwise, this sensation wouldn’t exist.
“How?”
How did I suddenly achieve great success?
I grasped the fringes of this sensation but hadn’t properly taken hold of it, let alone make it mine.
“…Could it be?”
Is it because of what just happened?
I had been in the guise of Gu Yan Hualun Gong. Was my victory over him the reason for this?
That seemed plausible. Nothing else came to mind.
However, the issue was…
“Why is this happening again?”
Not just my body, but the flames were transforming.
Whoosh whoosh—!!
Flames flickered around my hands.
These were not the black flames from magic.
Nor were they the blue flames from shedding my skin.
It was white.
An incredibly brilliant white flame.
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