Chapter: 517
Not long after I returned, I often had trouble sleeping.
There were times when I couldn’t sleep for several nights straight.
At one point, it became so dangerous not to sleep that I made a bet with myself and passed out!
I just couldn’t manage it otherwise.
The memories from before my return kept flooding back to me like bad dreams, preventing me from falling asleep.
Those I killed.
Those I couldn’t save.
Those who died for my sake.
Their faces crept into my head, keeping me awake all night long.
I would wake up in a cold sweat, engulfed in nightmares.
When that happened, I would struggle to breathe for a while.
And when I could barely catch my breath, I’d just bury my face in the blanket and let out an ugh of despair over and over again.
I cried for what felt like ages, blaming myself for being so useless and feeling like this golden opportunity was slipping away.
How could I possibly be happy after returning?
Nothing had changed.
With those vivid memories still haunting me, how could I continue to breathe and live?
I hadn’t changed at all, nor had I done anything.
I spent a lot of time like that.
Unable to escape my past life, I staggered on, not knowing what to do.
What was it all for? Living felt like a stretch.
I was just breathing and getting through each day.
I tried to regain my martial prowess, but without a purpose, I felt empty.
Even if I used the skills I had, my insides felt hollow and devoid of meaning.
What was I even aiming for?
What was the significance of this return?
I searched for a long time for answers.
No, rather than finding meaning, I just wished for it.
I hoped that there would be meaning.
Please, let there be significance to my return!
I wished for it so hard, yet I couldn’t find any value in this regression.
The world isn’t that simple, you know.
So I just lived along with the flow of time.
I thought I’d try this and that, but I didn’t really put my heart into anything.
There was a time I dreamed, though.
A childhood desire to be called a genius of the century, to stand shoulder to shoulder with others.
There were moments when I was consumed by that ambition, but I restrained myself.
I could have done anything if I wanted.
The reason I didn’t was probably that I didn’t want to stand out.
I didn’t want to see their faces.
I didn’t want to presume I could even stand next to them.
Surprisingly, I do possess a conscience!
At least, up to that point.
Having returned, I had no intention of avoiding the bloodshed.
I thought I was just going to live moderately. Or maybe hide away in some mountain to avoid danger.
At first, that was my plan.
I wanted to lead a life that was subtle and unobtrusive.
That must have been my intent.
But when did it start to change?
I often ponder that.
Where did the change begin?
Maybe it was when I first met Dang So-yeol in Shanxi after returning.
Or perhaps it was when I encountered Namgung Bi-ah on my way to Sichuan?
They were all significant moments, but I knew.
The actual turning point when I began to dream of a genuine belief was when I first met Dang So-yeol.
There was no particular reason for it.
Initially, it was just a seed.
The moment I saw Dang So-yeol’s bright, clear eyes.
And there she stood next to Namgung Bi-ah while Wi Seol-ah stood beside me.
I sensed a starkly different vibe and atmosphere from my past life.
Then later, after I took down that Namgung Cheonjun guy, a spark kind of ignited in me—maybe I could change!
From then on, my heart started to warm little by little.
And after that, the situation kept evolving.
On my way to Mount Hua, I ran into Shin Noya.
Then, seeing Shin-ui and Jegal-hyeok made me ponder: Could I change all these things I knew with my own effort?
That was a hope I held tightly.
Hope became a flame.
The fire I felt in my heart grew larger and larger, fearing someone might accuse me of wielding chemical weapons!
An indistinct desire started to stretch its claws and long for more.
That was the very reason I showcased my power in the martial arts arena.
I’d take everything Jang Seon-yeon could possibly gather. That was the motive at the start.
Looking back, perhaps it wasn’t only that.
It was pure desire (熱望).
Something I had secretly wished for all along.
The delusion of wanting to be seen as an incredible genius by everyone.
Was there really no longing for that?
Well, no.
There must have been some inkling of that feeling.
Destroying Jang Seon-yeon and taking everything he would acquire—there had to be other aspirations bundled in with that, right?
That’s probably why I unleashed my powers without reservation.
The more I was honest about my feelings, the more things began to change.
I met the Blood Demon and sensed that something hung in the balance.
Further along, encountering Yeon Il-cheon unveiled an even greater secret.
Learning secrets I hadn’t known reshaped my heart, and my relationships with those around me also advanced.
‘Let’s just live a rough life and avoid the bloodshed.’ No.
In the end, I resolved to confront either the Heavenly Demon or the Blood Demon to put an end to the blood calamity.
It was ultimately because I reclaimed my memories from my past life and recognized that my present existence was separate from my previous one.
That’s why I believe the origin was meeting Dang So-yeol in Sichuan.
It was notably different from Namgung Bi-ah and Wi Seol-ah.
Since Dang So-yeol naturally expressed less emotional range than them.
Maybe that helped me think reasonably.
As time passed, I gradually began to sleep better.
Perhaps it’s because I had finally set a goal; I became engrossed in my training.
That could be why I didn’t shy away from rough training methods.
Even though I still dream of my past life, occasionally I’m able to have a straightforward dream.
This dream more resembles a fantasy of the far-off future.
What happens after the world transforms into a peaceful place?
I find myself capable of having fantasies I’d never even dreamt of.
The emptiness I felt upon waking persisted, but that was okay.
At the very least, I had established a solid foundation to endure.
“Honey. Now you’ve got to take proper care of your surroundings.”
I can’t be the only one growing strong.
If it’s possible, I’d love to shoulder everything by myself, but I know, even if I wish that, it’s simply impossible.
I don’t want to extend my hand.
One burden would be enough to bear!
I know I’m not that competent.
Thus, I had to keep an eye on my surroundings…
But in that respect, Dang So-yeol posed quite a challenge to me in various ways.
“It’s ambiguous.”
Regarding martial skills, sure, but what’s most crucial is…
“How do I perceive Dang So-yeol?”
The real concern is: how do I view Dang So-yeol, and what implications accompany my perspective?
As previously mentioned.
Unlike Wi Seol-ah or Namgung Bi-ah, I could think rationally when looking at her.
That suggests—gasp—the feelings I harbored for Dang So-yeol weren’t exceptional.
At least that was how it started.
Merely an individual whom I killed with my own hands.
The bitterness of that guilt was what made things messy between us.
But now, what’s the situation?
What’s it like now?
I ask myself, yet I remain uncertain about it.
I recognize the feelings she harbors for me are those of affection.
Yet, how did it come to be this way?
Surely, it must be like that.
Conversely, I wonder.
Can I even dare to label this feeling as affection?
I wasn’t so sure.
The emotions that stirred when I gazed upon Namgung Bi-ah or Wi Seol-ah felt distinctive compared to how I felt toward Dang So-yeol.
“Even so.”
This doesn’t imply that Dang So-yeol holds a minor place in my heart.
When Dang-deok threatened her.
When it crossed my mind that she might be involved in potential turmoil within the clan.
After hearing that, I involuntarily drew a breath; I had, in my own way, considered Dang So-yeol to be quite important.
I simply couldn’t pinpoint my feelings precisely.
In blunt terms, despite being different from Namgung Bi-ah or Wi Seol-ah, I wouldn’t die for Dang So-yeol—at least not yet.
That’s about the essence of it.
However.
“I can’t help but feel concerned.”
Considering how significant her presence was in my inner thoughts.
It became unavoidable.
Dang So-yeol holds a substantial place in my heart.
It’s a really ambiguous position.
Since I wasn’t outstanding in martial talents, and other external abilities were quite average as well.
Even so, remembering how she had become the Poison Queen in her past life made me think there had to be something of substance there.
What if it connects to this incident?
The plan revolving around the Cheonmujiche.
From the point I heard that Dang So-yeol was involved, I had to wrestle to bring back any memory of her whereabouts during my previous life.
How did she rise to the position of Poison Queen? That was something I needed to find out.
‘…’
But no matter how I thought about it, I couldn’t grasp an answer.
That’s proof I hadn’t been that interested in her.
That realization frustrated me for some reason.
“What do you mean by that?”
Are you saying you don’t want to grow stronger?
Upon hearing this, Dang So-yeol looked up at me with a puzzled expression.
Her innocent demeanor led me to think.
“W-was she always this small?”
Due to the nature of the clan that has lived for centuries concealed, most direct descendants tend to be quite petite.
Even the Poison King was just a bit taller than I was before I shed my shell.
Being a woman, Dang So-yeol was likely smaller than average.
For some reason, that feeling struck me much clearer now.
‘… This likely relates to her eyes.’
Since when did it start?
Just by looking into Dang So-yeol’s eyes, it became clear to me.
She was gradually becoming riddled with inferiority.
How could I not notice this?
It was an emotion I had been deeply entrenched in during my previous life.
One couldn’t help but be aware.
The reason was probably.
“It’s the kids around me.”
Out of nowhere, all these reviewers turned out to be geniuses and monsters.
Focusing on them, it only seemed natural for an ordinary person to feel like they were facing an insurmountable wall.
The geniuses touch the sky.
While the ordinary ones feel grounded, even if they try to fly or crawl.
When I realized they had wings I lacked, it was indeed natural for me to feel overwhelmed.
At least, that’s how I felt.
I got to see the gap and ended up curling up on the floor, screaming.
I understand Dang So-yeol’s feelings more than anyone else.
That’s why even more so—
“I don’t want to witness her crumble!”
Nothing could be more tragic and ugly than a collapse caused by a sense of entitlement.
I know because I’ve gone through it myself.
I genuinely don’t want Dang So-yeol to meet such a fate.
So—
“… This is somewhat a cowardly strategy…”
I clenched my fist and felt something within me stir.
An irritating sensation.
As I sealed my fist and lightly bit my lip.
“…This feels awful.”
I understand; it’s less about being uncomfortable but more about the internal turmoil.
“Is this truly the right way?”
Why even bother to question?
I was aware this wasn’t the proper choice.
Yet I still aimed to execute it.
“Shit.”
What I was grasping now was a gem I’d taken from the Great Tang Clan’s First Elder.
While it might be labeled a gem, in reality, it resembled an elixir infused with an entire spectrum of energy.
Ranging from White Horse Stones to a myriad of elixirs I’ve seen, most significantly enhanced even my previously-built familiarity.
“I’ve never come across something of this caliber before!”
The masterwork of the Tang Clan, crafted over almost a hundred years since the age of the Poison King.
Just absorbing it alters one’s physical form, amplifying the contained poisonous energy dramatically.
Though it sounded like pure legend, the real downside lay in its conditions for consumption.
“I think it must be a woman, first…”
The primary condition for ingestion is that it needs to be administered to a female.
It was said a man’s body would not accommodate it, leading to an uncontrolled energy explosion!
The second condition was…
“Shouldn’t they be no older than a certain age?”
For most martial artists, reaching a certain age typically aligns with the onset of their prime years.
In other words, it needed to belong to a lower-tier martial artist.
Furthermore.
“Must have the capacity to handle this quantity of poison.”
This was clearly an absurdly potent aura.
Even for individuals who were particularly resistant to poison, it was impossible to manage such overwhelming potency.
Such a feat deemed impossible for a regular body. When considering these conditions combined.
Ultimately, that meant those who had built resistance to poison since childhood would be the suited candidates.
Thus, if a woman qualified who’s no older than a particular age, that meant.
“…It’s just Dang So-yeol!”
This was the notion that clarified how the Elder intended to administer this treatment to Dang So-yeol.
If there’s merely an uncomfortable angle.
“It’s not just that Dang So-yeol fits the requirements, it seems almost tailored for her!”
These criteria felt a bit too coincidental.
That nagged at me.
“Even so.”
I was thinking about giving this potion to Dang So-yeol.
[… Hmmm…]
Just mulling it over made Shin Noya seem ill at ease.
His exhale resonated in a botheringly annoying way.
There was little to be done.
As a hero, it made sense he would disapprove of such methods.
However.
“… So why aren’t you stopping me?”
Noya didn’t intervene but displayed discomfort without telling me to stop.
Ironically, that only made me more jittery.
Pah.
Noya snorted disdainfully.
[Did you ever think something as evident as this would sway me?]
“Knowing full well, yet you’ve consistently expressed disapproval of my actions?”
[That too, tsk tsk.]
Noya let out a brief, dry chuckle, continuing his point.
[I neither listened nor saw any reason to stop you this time.]
“… So does your indifference imply that you wouldn’t mind me giving this to Dang So-yeol?”
This was a compilation of countless lives.
If mere creatures were used in its making, it wouldn’t evoke as much annoyance, but the lives lost in the process were mind-boggling!
Dozens of bodies uncovered.
Thinking of the span of time, the count of sacrificed lives far exceeded dozens.
Given how this elixir was formed, how could Noya just allow it to be administered?
I couldn’t wrap my mind around that concept.
Naturally, the clan would face some serious turmoil going forward.
Considering how the Poison King behaved, it seemed he had no intent to hide this information.
It almost seemed pitiful that the Poison King was going to meet his end at the hands of the mess made by the ancestors and the current elders.
But right now, such sentiments were irrelevant.
“If it were me now, I can manage it.”
This gem, filled with tremendous energy.
If successful, Dang So-yeol would attain an impressive physique and considerable poisonous abilities.
Yet if I recklessly fed it to her, there was a risk she could suffer catastrophic damage due to the overwhelming energy!
I personally could easily manage that risk.
Holding the indestructible right physique.
Even if the poison were about to explode, I could simply absorb it and maintain control.
This meant that currently, I stood as the only one capable of feeding this to Dang So-yeol for a safer usage.
As I reflected on this thought.
[That’s how already I see you as a kid.]
Noya’s comment came suddenly, almost mocking.
“… Then what exactly is the problem?”
[Tsk tsk… Let’s get back to the matter with the child from the Tang family.]
I felt a tinge of annoyance at Noya’s words, yet just as he suggested, I decided to finish discussing matters with Dang So-yeol first.
It appeared she was already pacing in wait for this conversation.
“I mean it literally… Don’t you want to become stronger?”
“Yes?”
“I thought I could help make you stronger.”
“You, Sir…?”
“Yeah.”
Upon hearing that, Dang So-yeol tilted her head, looking puzzled by my sudden approach to ask if she wanted to get stronger.
“Just one word.”
That would suffice.
“I want to become stronger.” That’s all it would take.
With just those words, I would willingly bear the backlash for this ugly jewel in her place.
I could manage that much.
With that in my thoughts, I awaited her response.
Moments later, Dang So-yeol began to speak hesitantly.
“Um… If that’s the case, does that mean I’ll become stronger…?”
“Probably. You’ll become significantly stronger.”
I had no notion of how effective it might be.
If the previous Poison Queen’s essence comes from this elixir, she would likely gain substantial strength.
Perhaps she’d even unlock the potential to become much stronger.
“So, it’s you helping me with that?”
“Yeah.”
After digesting my words, Dang So-yeol seemed to dwell on it a moment longer.
“Then…”
She flashed me a bright smile before saying.
“I don’t want to do it.”
“Okay, then this… huh?”
My hand instinctively reached for the gem, but I hesitated, flummoxed by her response.
“…You won’t do it? Did I hear correctly?”
“I don’t want to.”
“…Why? If it worries you, I’ll make sure it’s not dangerous…”
“Sir.”
I felt compelled to persuade her, thinking perhaps she didn’t trust my intentions.
Clutch.
Dang So-yeol grabbed my arm with her tiny hand.
That grip felt oddly strong.
“I don’t think you would help me with something dangerous, Sir. You’re not that kind of person.”
“Then why…?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“…Uh, yeah.”
“If I accept this, are you going to suffer?”
“…!”
I swallowed hard at her question.
I momentarily paused, considering a denial but couldn’t help.
“Whether in mind or body, you would have to sacrifice something for me, wouldn’t you?”
It sounded as though she spoke with unwavering confidence.
“Those details are irrelevant! I’m merely going to help you a bit.”
“But why do your eyes appear so gloomy?”
“…”
Her words caused me to inadvertently touch my own eyes.
“What is it about my gaze that prompts such assertions from Dang So-yeol?”
Was my action the misstep here?
Dang So-yeol lightly trailed her fingers around my eyes.
I felt frozen, unable to block that touch.
As she lightly touched my face, she offered a soft smile and said.
“I’m sorry.”
“…What for?”
“I’ve been so embarrassed lately; you’ve probably been worrying because of my behavior. Am I right…?”
“…”
Those words felt like they pierced deeply into my chest. I swallowed hard, unable to respond.
Due to that, I lost the chance to get defensive yet again.
“…I feel embarrassed. I wouldn’t want you to find out even if others did.”
She seemed to recognize the entitlement she felt.
Yet, how could that make someone smile?
I couldn’t bring myself to laugh.
As I gazed at her, eyes trembling with emotion, she continued.
“It’s true… Compared to others, it seems I’m not much help to you, Sir. That’s why I was a bit upset.”
“There’s no need for agreement…”
“Even if you say it doesn’t bother you, it bothers me. I don’t want to be a useless person lingering around. If I become that, I can’t stay by your side forever.”
“…”
“That’s why I wanted to become stronger. For your sake, I wanted to be really strong and be beside you.”
“Then even more so…”
I was about to say, why not use my strength?
“But listen, Sir. Even if I want to grow strong.”
Dang So-yeol gently moved her hand away from my eye to my cheek.
“I don’t need power won by hurting you, Sir.”
“…!”
“With such strength, I wouldn’t want to stay by your side. I can overcome this on my own. If I do, I’ll feel less embarrassed when you’re around.”
“…”
“I’m sorry. I know you came to check on me out of worry… giggle… but I’m just fine.”
Seeing her shy smile left me utterly speechless.
It felt as if I had just been struck severely on the head.
Where did everything go off track?
“Could it have been at the start?”
That must be it.
So why.
Did I ever think that Dang So-yeol would feel the same as me?
Why did I think Dang So-yeol would crumble just like me, caught in a sense of inadequacy?
The very premise I held was flawed.
She wasn’t remotely weak like I was.
Rather than anticipating defeat, she was the sort to believe that despite current difficulties, she would eventually overcome.
“Ah.”
Something began to waver within me.
Looking back at Dang So-yeol again.
The one who had seemed so small moments ago now appeared to shine so much brighter and stronger to me.
[Didn’t I mention this? You’re still just a kid.]
Noya remarked playfully, his tone tinged with amusement.
Since I viewed her as small, Dang So-yeol had seemingly appeared diminutive in my eyes.
Previously, she seemed destined to falter, but that was far from the truth.
Now she projected vigor, standing radiantly.
“I got it.”
Suddenly, a thought struck me.
That day when Sichuan fell.
A woman who led the Tang clan members to Hanam while standing strong against the encroaching forces.
Facing imminent death.
Aware it was an impossibility to endure.
With bloodshot eyes, despite her disheveled appearance.
The woman resolutely standing guard in her place.
“Ha-ha…”
I chuckled, recalling her courage.
Throughout my journey, I had thought she was capable due to her status.
Even that belief was inaccurate!
“It wasn’t because she was the Poison Queen.”
It was entirely because she was Dang So-yeol!
That strength had been inherent to her from the beginning.
Something heavy seemed to dissolve.
With the haze clearing, as I regarded Dang So-yeol once more.
I felt a newfound confidence emerge.
“Ah…! It’s not that I really don’t need your help, Prince Gu! So I’m not rejecting you…!”
The clarity I’d just felt seemed to dissipate, and once again, Dang So-yeol faced me with a flushed face.
I spoke to her earnestly.
“You know.”
“Y-yes…?”
“I feel like I could now die for you.”
“…Wha…?”
The words just slipped out of my mouth without a second thought.
“Gwaaaa…??”
Upon hearing this, Dang So-yeol promptly fainted.
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