Chapter: 468
Gugugugugugugu-!
In the midst of the raging storm, I held on for a while, trying to cling to my fading consciousness.
My body looked like it was about to burst at any moment.
I could feel that if I tried to let go even a little, my body would explode right then and there.
Crackle.
I could hear the sound of something continuously breaking and reassembling within me.
In that process, the pain of my entire body being torn apart was painfully clear.
This was beyond just getting hurt.
Bam!
My bones move, and skin is torn away.
My insides feel twisted, and my blood is boiling hot.
In the midst of it all, I couldn’t even scream.
The instant I let those words slip out, it would all be over.
I held my breath.
The rushing energy constantly invaded my body.
I had long surpassed the limits of my physical form.
It meant I had gone far beyond anything I could contain.
But…
How on earth can one endure this?
My skin feels like it’s tearing, and my body screams for me to put it out of its misery.
Closing and opening my eyes.
Inhaling and exhaling.
In a situation filled with pain and despair, all I could do was endure.
My body, barely holding on as if it would tear apart any second, underwent the process of breaking and reforming its skeleton thousands of times.
Damn.
I hear a cracking sound.
Crap!
I also heard something tearing.
I felt pain radiating from every part of my body, leaving me clueless about what was happening.
I just want to die.
When the pain crosses its limits, that’s all I can think about.
I want to give up everything and die right now.
What am I even suffering for?
What is the purpose of desperately clinging to my fading consciousness?
Boom boom-! Boom boom-!
Am I aware of my crumbling mind?
The energy that filled my body started to run wild.
It looked like it was desperate to escape.
“They came in here, those rotten bastards.”
I opened my eyes just a bit.
They didn’t fully open, but I managed a little crack.
Under.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight.
The space that had just moments ago been filled with water was now completely empty.
It means all that water has vanished.
Where to?
All into my body.
The overflowing water became energy and filled my body.
With such an immense volume crammed into this tiny frame, it must be swelling to the brink of explosion.
Bam-!
“Whew…!”
Unable to hold back from the recoil, I gasped.
Blue energy trickled out from my slightly parted lips.
Thump-!
As an aftereffect, my heart thumped heavily.
Even the slightest vibration caused excruciating agony, but just now, it truly felt dangerous.
“I’m going to die.”
How much? How much longer do I have to endure?
Going through this ordeal has taught me many things.
Humans are tougher than you think, even if they talk about limits.
Just when it felt like I could die at any moment, here I am still holding on.
Sizzle.
“…!”
One side of my skin tears away.
This wasn’t just a cut; it felt like my entire skin was being ripped off.
Swish….
New skin begins to grow in its place.
It hurt when it tore.
It also hurt when it grew back.
This is the craziest thing ever.
“Oh, damn. If that’s the case, I should have just had them do everything at once.”
I should’ve given it all when my anger demanded it.
Now thinking about it, I feel a bit regretful.
Under.
Why is my life still going as I try to chase after some fleeting dreams of wealth and glory?
Ah, is it even reasonable to call this life now?
Because if I hold on until the end, I won’t even be human anymore.
…This sucks.
I tried to live like a human, and yet now, I might not be one anymore.
It couldn’t have been a more miserable existence.
So here I am, biting my teeth and clenching my trembling hands filled with pain.
[Then.]
[Why the hell are you trying to endure this?]
A voice echoed in my head.
It’s a voice that loomed in the background ever since I began to hold on.
It sounded similar to the voice that was spitting blood, but the vibe felt a tad different.
It could very well be a hallucination.
The voice was unclear and hazy, possibly a product of my suffering.
But it didn’t matter.
I wasn’t particularly afraid of losing my mind.
[It’d be easier if you just let go. Why insist on holding on?]
It’s just a bit noisy.
[You say you’re not afraid of death, but how can you crave life?]
“It’s noisy, so just zip it. I can’t focus.”
[I don’t understand.]
“Who does?”
I don’t even understand it myself, so how could someone else comprehend it?
Why am I doing this?
“I can’t find reasons one by one; it’s too late for that.”
I’ve been through this too many times to think of concrete reasons now.
If I searched for justification, plenty would pop up.
Thinking about the impending crisis, I could say I’m enduring this to save the world.
Or maybe I want to abandon humanity to rise to a greater height.
There’s no shortage of reasons to be found.
But none of that matters to me.
[Then why…]
Well.
It seems I might’ve had some reason at one point.
But I’m not quite sure anymore.
If the old man Shin Noya were here, he would probably insist on holding on, proclaiming a belief in saving the world.
I’m no hero like that old chap.
I never really cared for the affairs of this world.
Whether a war breaks out and devastates everything, whether this world holds any secrets…
It never mattered to me.
If I wanted to find a reason.
“If I give up now, I won’t be able to face the kids.”
That’s about the only reason I can muster.
[Just… just that?]
The voice sounds incredulous at the flimsy reason I’ve come up with.
What on earth does this voice want from me?
“Now you’re lecturing me too?”
This is just absurd.
The sheer ridiculousness of it all leaves me annoyed.
Earlier it was like my energy had gone wild, and now…
“Even my regrets are nagging at me.”
Even my wish to remain human was being poked and prodded at.
As I grumble in anger, I sensed a moment of hesitance in that voice.
[… I don’t want to become a monster.]
It carried a mix of sadness and bitterness.
“I know.”
I know it well.
I wanted to die as a human.
It means I didn’t fulfill that wish in my previous life; thus, I wanted to protect that wish at least this time.
Even though it seems impossible now that I’ve reached this manifestation.
Still, it was something I yearned for.
[If it’s now… you can give up.]
“You could say that.”
It means if I let go now, I could die right away.
Yes, as a human.
I can die as a human being.
Not merely becoming a being that doesn’t recognize anything due to some superior nature.
Rather, it means I can die as myself while maintaining the body I was born with.
Just thinking about that keeps me chuckling.
Just that.
Just what is it that humans hold on to so stupidly?
If that’s not it…
Are you saying that I still wish to be human despite having lived without a shred of humanity?
That’s wrong.
I was aware of it.
It was a more selfish desire.
Not some vague emotion like human dignity or an inexplicable sense of pride.
It was simply a longing to be next to those precious to me as a human being.
[… I want to be human.]
That voice, filled with sincerity, still chained me with longing and resentment.
You don’t deserve it.
If we’re going to talk about qualifications, let’s face it—it’s far too late now.
Reason chastises me sharply and blames me.
Selfish desires keep poking at me, even as I am conscious of it.
What does it matter, it’s already in the past, why should it bother me?
It’s not as if this life can’t turn out better.
It’s truly distasteful.
No matter how much time passes, I remain ugly.
Yet…
“Sorry.”
[…]
“I think that’s a bit much.”
My life has been a continuous stream of choices.
Not once have I weighed anything in a situation of indecision.
The history of past lives.
It simply unfolded because I chose the heavier side of the scale.
And it’s the same this time.
I continue to choose the heavy side.
My regrets.
I weighed the happiness of those I cherish on a scale.
In truth, there’s no need for deliberation at all.
It’s a truth I’ve already come to deeply understand within myself.
[…]
Has my contemplation led me to this point?
The nagging echoes that once buzzed in my ears faded away.
“Sorry.”
Once more, I offered an apology.
I’ve never apologized for myself before, but I felt it was time.
Kuung-!
With an explosion of energy, a surge coursed through me.
The ensuing pain intensified.
And I felt something shift within my body.
Woof-!
The energy, which had been relentlessly expanding, began to move now.
It felt as though I was going crazy as that energy coursed from my toes to my head.
Kwuuuk-!
“Ugh… Ugh…”
A whirlpool.
A vast energy coalesced and surged, twisting and transforming into a vortex.
Crap!
The shell that had been cracking little by little shattered all at once, and the broken skeleton started to morph.
Hwaaaaak-!
As the skeleton molded, the energy snaked along its path.
What was the target? I quickly figured it out.
It’s the heart.
The destination of all this energy surging through my body is my heart.
Kwaaak-!
“Keuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”
The pressure built up to unimaginable heights as the energy I was merely holding within my body accumulated once again in my chest.
And that wasn’t the end.
Thud-!
The compressed energy kept shrinking down.
It felt as though I could be sucked in at any second.
I had to hold on.
Even if it felt impossible, I had to endure.
Crackle!
I heard a sound of something collapsing.
Something began breaking inside me.
The vessel had likely shattered and disappeared already, but what was breaking this time?
Jeez-! The noises echoed, now audible from the outside.
The space around me was crumbling.
Boom! Boom!
My heart was thrumming and ready to burst.
The space warped around me.
The sensation of constant breakdown persisted.
I gripped my sanity desperately in that chaos.
I wouldn’t let go.
The only time I could relinquish this was when everything was over.
It absolutely needed to be that way.
And so I held on for quite a while longer.
Thud…
Thud…
The vibrations that had echoed madly every second started to slow and normalize.
As if keeping pace, the pain began to diminish as well.
Just as I thought it was truly coming to an end.
Bam.
I felt a slight quiver in my chest.
Kwaaaaah-!
The energy I had barely contained erupted in all directions.
Swept away by that absurd volume of energy, I finally couldn’t maintain my grip and lost consciousness.
Immediately after.
“Ugh…!”
When I opened my eyes once more.
So much had changed.
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