Chapter 15
“Is there really no problem at all?”
“Yes, ma’am. Seo-yeon is fine. In fact, she’s quite strong-hearted.”
“Oh, thank goodness.”
A few days after the first shoot, my mom took me straight to a psychiatric hospital.
Officially, it was for stress management, but I had a pretty good idea of the real reason.
It must be because of what I heard last time.
The words from actress Kim Mi-yeon, who I had filmed a CF with previously.
And this time, it seemed like the comments from Jeong Eun-sun really weighed heavily on her mind.
With Director Gong Jeong-tae and my mom chatting, I could roughly guess what they had talked about.
Must be about emotional acting.
Holding my mom’s hand as we walked, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window.
A cute little girl’s face.
Six years.
No, soon it would be seven years of ‘me’ in this form.
Jeong Eun-sun doesn’t like my acting.
I didn’t think it was because she disliked me.
She probably held a common belief that “children should act like children.”
In other words, her intent was likely to encourage me to avoid emotional acting until I was mentally mature.
And that’s not entirely wrong.
At a young age, there really is no need for intense, deep emotional performances.
Riding the surface of emotions is enough, and honestly, I often overshot that level.
I’m no fool.
I’m fully aware of how people perceive my acting.
Especially Jeong Eun-sun might have found my performances rather precarious.
Of course, I never actually thought of it as “acting.”
It was just something close to my daily life in my past life.
To put it simply, yes.
This relates to my previous life.
Alexithymia.
It’s a condition where one struggles to feel the emotions of others or express their own properly.
It’s somewhat different from what you’d commonly hear, like sociopathy or psychopathy.
The fact that my previous life was marked by a poor relationship with my parents,
And that my period of unemployment was lengthy, ultimately ties back to this.
So, I’ve been forced to be ordinary since childhood.
Nothing special.
Laugh when happy, cry when sad, just like an average person.
I had to learn each of those emotions one by one.
Imitating emotions.
To achieve this, I encountered many mediums.
Movies, dramas, books, web novels, games.
Anything that vividly portrayed human emotions.
All to blend in and live among the crowd.
For quite some time, I lived solely for that purpose.
Still, I consider myself lucky.
Usually, people with conditions like mine can’t achieve even that.
The doctors even told me they hadn’t come across a case like mine before.
“When I said, ‘Mom, I got a job,’”
When I was finally able to say those words with a smile,
I could express feelings just like everyone else.
“Good! You can do it!”
Mom hugged me with a smile.
But even then, I couldn’t grasp that feeling.
My emotion imitation is different from acting.
Simply mimicking emotions can come across as off-putting.
Creeping into what’s often called the “uncanny valley” makes people wary.
But I managed to skirt around that boundary casually.
Endlessly close to real emotions yet still fake.
I lived within such a world.
Neither black nor white, just gray.
A world of ash.
In this ashy world, what I stumbled upon was a VTuber’s stream.
At first, I couldn’t understand why anyone would watch something like that.
People liking a drawing rather than a real human?
Yet when that VTuber did something, people cheered.
They complimented her and seemed genuinely happy.
It was probably from that moment.
Despite working, I couldn’t catch every live stream, but I watched whenever I could.
A 3D model or a drawing that doesn’t reveal human emotions —
Maybe through that, I could appear just like an ordinary person.
That’s what I thought.
“Ju Seo-yeon.”
Looking up, I saw the face of a sulking girl.
“What are you doing all by yourself? Hurry up and come on!”
Lee Ji-yeon crossed her arms and had a particularly bratty attitude.
Sometimes, I really wondered if she was actually six years old.
“I’m going.”
“Hmm.”
Lee Ji-yeon inspected me from top to bottom.
Then, she stared at the giant tank behind me.
“Are you waiting for the beluga?”
At that comment, I glanced back.
Today, I was at the aquarium for a field trip with my kindergarten class.
The sight of countless fish swimming in the massive tank was nothing short of breathtaking.
“Why are you here?”
“I’m looking for Mia. You know, you.”
“You must have gotten lost.”
It seemed like a broadcast for finding lost children was likely to start any minute now.
And of course, I was included in that list.
“Don’t laugh! It’s serious!”
As Ji-yeon insisted, I couldn’t help but chuckle as I turned toward the tank.
I laugh.
Such a simple action, yet it felt outrageously alien to me.
In fact, for a long time after I was born, I had no idea what had changed.
I became a girl.
Cute child, that’s what I thought, watching from a slightly detached perspective.
I hadn’t thought deeply about it.
I didn’t know how to think about it, really.
It’s still kind of the same.
Well, it’s not like I ever tried to adapt.
Naturally, I’d lived my life thinking my body was just like in my previous life.
Though I sensed something was different, I probably unconsciously rejected it.
…So foolish, isn’t it?
I only became aware when I started acting.
Of course, this body properly feels emotions.
I have no illness; it’s a strong and healthy body.
Truly an invincible TS stature.
So, to say it one way,
I find these emotions quite unfamiliar.
When conscious, I can’t express them.
I don’t want to show a facade like in my previous life.
This contradiction doesn’t rhyme.
I’m sure actress Kim Mi-yeon,
And Jeong Eun-sun, too,
Must have noticed this emotional gap within me.
They are seasoned actors familiar with emotional performances.
Especially Jeong Eun-sun’s method acting is reputed among the top three in South Korea.
So, of course, they’d pick up on how my emotions are in a very unstable state.
Emotions feel strange.
And facing them is scary.
My acting feels much closer to my previous life’s daily existence.
With years of experience accumulated, it’s supposed to look like acting that doesn’t align with my age.
If we suppose 100 is one emotion, I can replicate around 95-98.
So if someone watched me, it might seem like near-perfect emotional acting.
But it’s merely close, not quite perfect.
And I’m just a child actress.
Naturally, the expected level is lower.
Exceeding that level by a good margin would surely surprise people.
However…
“Adult actors truly are on another level.”
Everyone praises me for being better.
But I don’t see it that way.
Especially compared to Kim Mi-yeon or Jeong Eun-sun, I’d say I can’t hold a candle to them.
One hundred? No, one hundred and twenty.
Or even more.
Actors who can perform beyond what’s asked of them are typically known as the acting elite.
If I grow with this, I might become close to a hundred-point actress, but exceeding that will be impossible.
As I age, the expectations for acting will only rise.
My stagnant act will inevitably lead to stagnation.
“…An aquarium, huh.”
“What?”
“Of course it’s an aquarium.”
“No, I meant my acting.”
I glanced around.
The stunning scenery of the beautiful aquarium came into view.
A world mimicking the ocean.
With such imitation, people can be awed and moved emotionally.
But in comparison to the real ocean, it’s still lacking, isn’t it?
That’s somewhat what I mean.
“What are you talking about?”
Lee Ji-yeon replied with a pretty annoying attitude.
Of course, I didn’t expect much from a six-year-old.
I snorted and crossed my arms, chuckling.
“Must be nice being a kid.”
“Reflex.”
“……”
For a moment, I couldn’t find a rebuttal to Ji-yeon’s “reflex.”
If I replied, it felt like I’d lose.
Ah, whatever.
I turned my gaze behind me.
Before I knew it, a hidden white dolphin revealed itself.
The beluga, the star attraction of this aquarium.
As the beluga swam toward me, I stretched out my hand, and it nudged the glass with its nose.
I guess I have to adapt.
After my recent visit to the hospital and seeing my mom’s worry, I changed my mindset.
While I failed in my previous life, I wouldn’t let history repeat itself now.
And my past experiences lingered strongly within.
This is undoubtedly a precious power that no other actor could possess.
And, for the sake of ideal RP too!
Didn’t the VTuber I always watched say the same?
To do everything sincerely!
Up to now, my goal was to be a VTuber.
The virtual ‘me’ that my past self longed for, creating that persona.
It still lingers like a scar, hardly changing.
But…
There’s no reason I can’t sincerely pursue more than one thing.
“Lee Ji-yeon.”
“Hm?”
Backlit by the blue light flowing from the tank, I called to Ji-yeon, who was staring blankly at the beluga.
“I…”
I grinned confidently.
“I’m going to be an actress.”
And not just any actress, but a beloved star among everyone.
*
Gong Jeong-tae had a headache.
Hearing Jeong Eun-sun’s comments made him ponder what to do about Seo-yeon’s guidance.
“But it could just be simple concern, right?”
There aren’t many child actors who are as complete as Jeong Eun-sun wishes.
How many can separate emotional acting from simple surface-level acting?
Plus, Seo-yeon had never really struggled with acting so far.
So everything should be fine…
“…But if I say that, it feels like total trash.”
“What?”
“…!!”
Gong Jeong-tae startled and turned around.
There stood Seo-yeon, modestly dressed in her outfit for the day.
“Cough, cough. So, Seo-yeon, everything was fine, right?”
“Yes. Hello, Director.”
As always, Seo-yeon greeted everyone with her cute little bow.
Her greeting brought a warm smile to everyone on set.
“Right, let’s not push her too hard. Let’s take it easy.”
Nodding to calm my chaotic thoughts.
While he was addressing his complicated feelings,
“Don’t worry about my acting. It’s all good.”
“…!”
Suddenly, Seo-yeon said something like that.
“She heard me!”
Shocked, he wanted to say something in response, but Seo-yeon had already bowed and walked away.
Her steps seemed surprisingly light today.
“…Huh?”
Observing Seo-yeon’s retreating figure, Gong Jeong-tae cocked his head.
For some reason, he felt something about her had changed.
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