I wiped my sweat-drenched body with a towel.
Looking at the puddle of sweat on the floor, as if all the blood and sweat had been drained from my body, I let out a wry smile.
Today is the day we’re heading north.
Even though I’m sweating like this, the reason it doesn’t feel hard is probably because of that.
My nerves are so focused on today’s date that I’ve even forgotten the fatigue stacked in my body.
Even that faded while washing up, but with a body imbued with Divine Power, fatigue easily shook off.
It’s all good. I could say I’m in the perfect state to prepare for today’s fight.
There shouldn’t be any problem. I felt like it would be okay even if I picked up my sword and fought the Demon right now.
As I shook off the water and stepped out of the bathroom, Adrian was standing there holding my clothes, I don’t even know when he got there.
“…Have you been waiting?”
“Not for long. I cleared my schedule today, so I think I can stay with you until you leave. After all, if I’m in the North, plans are likely to get messed up…”
From here, I won’t be able to see you for a while. When Adrian said that with a small smile, I felt an inexplicable pang of guilt.
Even though it’s a given, I couldn’t shake the feeling from my heart.
It’s not the last time I’ll see him, but I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that we wouldn’t meet for a long time.
Even if all goes according to plan and I head straight to the capital, I probably won’t get to see Adrian.
Since I had to push into the Imperial Palace and occupy the royal castle, I accepted the clothes and awkwardly scratched my cheek.
Dressed, I quietly gazed at Adrian. I didn’t know what to say. I wondered if it was about time to say my goodbyes.
“Do you have something to say?”
“How did you know…?”
“It’s just a feeling. I kind of figured Robert would be staring at me intently.”
Even a blind person can’t ignore their senses.
I knew Adrian’s senses were sharp, but I quietly chuckled at the idea that he felt my gaze and patted his shoulder.
It was awkward, but I was thankful and sorry at the same time; still, I struggled to find the right words to say as I was leaving for the North.
Should I say I’ll be back? Or maybe I should say we can meet again once everything is over?
I already told Miragen the day before that I’d be back… yet, saying such things to Adrian felt incredibly hard.
“Finish getting ready quickly. We don’t have much time left.”
“Right.”
Amidst the awkward atmosphere, I somehow moved my feet and walked.
I couldn’t even tell whether my feet were moving me or if I was walking of my own will.
Thinking about what Adrian’s expression would be like, whenever I caught his gaze and saw him smiling, the awkwardness grew even more.
Adrian, who followed me into my room, closed the door and glanced around.
Was it a thought, or was it Adrian who entered my room, closing the door while glancing around?
From the divine power flowing beneath my feet, it seemed like he was surveying his surroundings.
Even while packing my things, my mind was elsewhere.
It was that soft voice that shook me back to reality amidst the swirling thoughts of whether Adrian would say something.
“Robert.”
I barely managed to suppress my surprise. Placing my trembling hand on my chest, I took a deep breath and turned around.
Adrian’s expression was ordinary. The same face I saw every day, the same expression I talked to daily.
That made me even more anxious. The Adrian I knew wouldn’t be so calm in a moment like this.
“Why are you so surprised?”
“…I was just lost in thought for a moment.”
“You look that way. It’s been like that since yesterday, hasn’t it?”
Maybe it’s just the unusual atmosphere that’s making me overly surprised. Or perhaps it’s the cold wind today. Maybe it’s because I woke up a little earlier than usual.
Even amidst the overlapping thoughts, Adrian’s voice pierced through my residual thoughts clearly.
“Are you scared?”
Well, not exactly scared. But then again, I can’t say I’m not. I couldn’t express this contradictory emotion. It wasn’t the fear of getting hurt or dying.
It was simply the fear that everything might go wrong. If nothing aligned with what I was thinking, that would be the scariest thing of all.
Of course, I didn’t want to share this feeling with Adrian. I was worried she might start feeling anxious being left alone.
“Not really.”
“…I am scared. I tried to act nonchalant by your side, but it’s tough.”
The faint smile hid complicated emotions.
Cracks started to form in the expression that just moments ago seemed indifferent, and small ripples began to shimmer. I hadn’t noticed it from the start; I just hadn’t perceived it.
My hand, stretching out unconsciously, halted in mid-air. Adrian, who had approached without me realizing, had wrapped herself in my embrace.
Recognizing the warmth overlapping on my body was an instant affair.
Before I could even say anything, Adrian nestled her forehead against my chest, her lips twitching slightly.
“Can I whine a little?”
She seemed to know she was already whining, a smirk on her face that made me chuckle.
Whining was something Adrian rarely said.
The way she was silently nestled against me, the way she looked up at me like this… It felt as if a cat were curled up in my lap, stirring up an indescribable feeling.
The atmosphere was different. It was as if, instead of the Adrian I knew, another woman that had always been hidden within her inner self had popped out.
It felt like another woman, hidden within my inner self, suddenly burst forth.
I couldn’t read all of her emotions.
But what this atmosphere meant was something that could definitely be felt, even in this calm—
It was the thought that Adrian’s suppressed emotions were about to explode.
“I know. Robert can save the Grand Duke if he goes. If I tell him not to go from here, he’ll probably dislike it, and he’ll think I’m selfish for saying that.”
“……”
“I’ve never felt jealousy before. When I sensed that Miragen seemed to like Robert, I thought about giving way. Miragen is the first person who became my friend. I was happy because they seemed to get along well in reality. But, I can’t just be happy about it.”
The grip of my hand clenching my chest tightened. I pressed down until my hand turned pale.
About the time my trembling hand relaxed, Adrian’s slightly parted hand reached for my cheek.
The gentle touch gliding over my cheek was soft, but it didn’t seem like he was intending to let me go.
“If I go today, I probably won’t be able to see you for a long time. Right?”
“…That might be the case.”
“Then during the time I’m gone, Robert will be with the Grand Duke. I don’t know what will happen, but perhaps during that time, everyone might dedicate themselves to battle. I’m a selfish person, Robert.”
Adrian, who laughed dejectedly, ran his hand over every corner of my face.
As if gauging my appearance, he slowly caressed my face leaning against the wall, then chuckled as he looked at the hand that again fell to my cheek.
“I clearly know what purpose you’re going for, better than others. So why do these feelings bloom? I wish you wouldn’t go. I know I shouldn’t think like that, yet I do. Isn’t it ridiculous that I, a Saint, am like this?”
Amidst the bright smile, various emotions mingled.
Self-hatred towards myself, yet still unable to let go of regrets. I realized at once that he bore feelings for me. The emotions that were once vague became completely clear, making me involuntarily chuckle at the heart laid bare before me.
Should I say it’s not ridiculous?
I knew what kind of feelings led to this, but I was in a position to leave her and go to Adele.
My mind was tangled up. What should I respond in this situation? But before I could even think about that, Adrian’s hand pulled me by the waist.
“I know it’s not the first time. I’ve seen the days when you were in love with Miragen. I know you had feelings similar to those for the Grand Duke.”
“I know. I’ve seen the days when I was in love with Miragen. I also know you harbored the same feelings as the Grand Duke.”
The power felt in the pulling hand made it impossible for me to resist, drawing me in.
It wasn’t because I lacked strength. The atmosphere surrounding me and the voice reaching my ears drained my energy.
If I moved just a little more, our lips would be within reach.
Breath mingled and scattered, and there was a warmth rising to my ears from that tantalizing breath.
Our gazes didn’t meet.
The gaze I sent vanished into that transparent mirror, but I found myself smiling at the various emotions reflected in her clear eyes.
“…But I still want to be your first. A saint can’t love someone, but Adrian can love, right? It’s a selfish desire. I know, even saying this, that I won’t be part of your life as you’ve lived it… I know.”
“Adrian.”
Her hair tie, which had always been bound, came undone, letting her unique platinum hair fall down.
The snowy waves covered her shoulders, and a sweet fragrance was carried by the sudden breeze.
I quietly gazed at Adrian. More precisely, my eyes were drawn to her lips, barely a breath away.
In my 101 lifetimes, this was the first time I had a connection with Adrian.
So, I have no memories like others, and there are no memories filled with others’ experiences.
What she witnessed was merely a past, perhaps a memory that could feel quite unpleasant.
Is that why I felt this anger? No matter what answer I would hear from here, if it were a rejection, the instinct that we’d never meet again rose within me.
…And yet, I didn’t have the intention to reject.
This life was my first. Everything was new, even meeting someone and smiling again.
Experiencing the sorrow of taking someone’s life. Resolving a grudge that I thought would never fade, and reconnecting with all the bonds I’d formed along the way.
Could it be that everything was meant for this moment? Seeing the tears flowing down my cheek, I slowly brushed them away with my fingers.
And then, I said nothing more. Lips overlapping, tongues entwined. Our gazes tangled, and at the same time, our breaths mixed and intertwined.
Should I describe it as sweet? There was a strange sensation that felt different from when I was with Miragen.
It was my first time.
Yes, this too was my first.
The connection that began with not just one woman loving me but many was heading toward a bizarre ending.
On that morning of my 101st life, when our lips first touched, I found myself smiling at Adrian’s face, flushed bright red.
The fear that had once consumed me had perhaps all scattered just moments ago.
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