“Is it going to be okay?”
As I briefly recite the thoughts that pop into my head, I remind myself that the very question is flawed.
It can’t be okay. If someone else were to recall what Adrian saw, that alone would be enough to bring everything crashing down.
I felt jealousy. I had to witness the deep bond he shared with someone other than myself.
I think it would have been nice if I were there too, but unless I had the ability to intervene in the past, nothing would change.
I just concentrate a little more on the present, though I don’t expect to be the only one to regain my memories.
To be precise, it’s something glimpsed through the Crown of Memories; if someone else regains their memory…
There would likely be many painful parts to endure.
Perhaps if it were Adele Igrit, it might be different, but if Miragen, who spent so much time with Robert, were to break down, that would be certain.
How many women could bear to know they had killed their beloved with their own hands?
So much has rapidly changed since Robert came to the capital.
About those wearing masks, what Crown Prince Kaitel holds, and even the Dead Dragon.
Now that nobody realizes the threat posed by the Dead Dragon, only Robert is moving in preparation, isn’t he?
In such a situation, if others were to regain their memories, Adrian stared into the air with a cold expression at the news that Robert had moved toward the Imperial Palace.
Sometimes, it’s better to be unaware of everything.
If I hadn’t read Robert’s memories, I wouldn’t feel this sense of loss right now.
Just like that, Miragen must be feeling the pain called memory by now.
It must be painful.
It would be painful enough to dig out one’s own chest and leave wounds all over the body.
If there is a connection in this world, it is worth calling that connection, and given the depth of emotion, the coming pain wouldn’t be something easily endured.
I didn’t like that. The situation I was unaware of,
that Robert and Miragen, and Robert and Adele alone shared those feelings.
But I couldn’t hate them just for this reason.
Perhaps there will come a day when they can smile and face each other again.
I can’t guarantee they will be by Robert’s side even in this life.
Adrian worried about one thing.
That Miragen might break down to the point of never standing again, and that Robert wouldn’t be too sad at such a sight.
As for what comes after, he could deal with that just fine.
It might be that as a worshiper of God, I harbor too many impure feelings.
Even if the divinity bestowed upon me vanishes in the face of this negativity, Adrian had no intention of abandoning the feelings he held now.
From the moment I faced Robert’s past and realized my own feelings within it,
Adrian’s faith had been gradually changing.
“I don’t know if it will help, but I will pray for you.”
I hope everything returns to the way it was, that the destiny that has just begun to settle after bending time backwards.
I hope that Robert Taylor can achieve what he desires.
As the Rosario in Adrian’s hand began to shine, the dark room started to be bathed in brilliant light.
#
The sensation of the weapon I wielded piercing into the neck, cutting through solid bone.
Blood splatters, flesh is torn away, and the breath of one person comes to an end. A normal human would never reach that sensation.
The breath ceased. A normal human could hardly grasp that sensation.
Even a knight, when they kill a person for the first time, might get swept away by that sensation and never forget it.
As countless memories surfaced, she was gradually becoming accustomed to that feeling.
A life without meeting Robert, yet it was an intensity one couldn’t escape.
The sensation of killing the person they love. How could one remain sane through that?
It didn’t take long to feel the emptiness of everything dissolving like bubbles after briefly finding happiness in past memories.
“Ah.”
She couldn’t raise her head. She knew Robert was right in front of her, but as soon as she understood the emotions he must have embraced, she felt utterly unworthy.
She had advised him not to blame himself, but ironically, that very thought shackled Robert.
While she had died once and moved on, Robert had suffered for hundreds of years.
Could she truly say she understood that pain? Could she ask Robert to love her as before just by saying she was sorry and to forgive herself?
Of course not. Blood dripped from her trembling lips.
It was meant to drown the rising memories, but that sharp pain only made the sensations linger more vividly in her hands.
She had personally severed the neck of the man smiling at her. She loved him, but not knowing that memory had led her to kill him in pure resentment.
Just when her trembling legs were about to collapse, Robert, supporting Miragen’s body, let out a soft sigh.
“Are you alright?”
“…Uh, ah.”
She wasn’t even in a state to speak clearly.
In the collapse of her mind, the woman’s empty eyes silently recited her sins.
Having realized her delusions were truth, she could only blame herself, regardless of Robert’s lack of resentment.
Just like the special feelings Robert held for Miragen, Miragen’s feelings for Robert were also unique.
He was the man she had met while always worrying about her precarious position.
Perhaps it was because they met like destiny and had a fairytale-like love, the happiness she felt when they first met was perhaps the most satisfying across all lives.
That much didn’t change in any life.
There were times he came to the imperial palace to confess, and they met at balls just like the first time.
The version of Robert she saw was closer to that ideal man.
He never got angry and hardly ever allowed her to see anything but a smiling face.
But the Robert Miragen remembered from this life was drastically different from the past.
Dark, hollow, devoid of emotion. More often wearing a melancholy expression than a smile.
There were times she felt anxious, thinking it wouldn’t be strange if he died right then, yet she could only feel it was all her fault.
She knew.
Just recalling their dozens of encounters made it clear he wouldn’t resent her.
Yet every time she felt the sensation of his support, she couldn’t help but feel sorry.
When she desperately clung to her crumbling sanity, Robert’s blue eyes felt all too piercing.
The concerns stored within them resonated so deeply that it left her questioning whether she deserved to receive such feelings.
After a while of only groaning, Miragen slowly lifted her head.
I slowly lifted my head.
Just making eye contact with Robert was painful, but avoiding it any longer was just running away.
“Robert.”
I should have said I was sorry, but the apology got stuck in my throat and wouldn’t come out.
Every time I looked into Robert’s eyes, it felt like all the pasts he had gone through were flashing before me.
The death Robert had to endure, and the heart that had watched him die.
Whenever Robert was killed by Kaitel, I always had to witness that final moment.
Wearing the ridiculous label of betrayal, I didn’t even blame the woman who was unknowingly being tortured and dying.
Should I call this person a fool, or should I blame myself for being so playful without knowing such feelings?
“I-”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
Just by looking into Miragen’s eyes, I knew what she was thinking. When she looked at me, she must be reflecting on the past.
From the moment I sensed she recalled a memory, I worried.
Because if it were Miragen, she would undoubtedly blame herself. Yet, despite having said countless times that I held no resentment, it was hard to see her breaking down like this.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
For me to receive an apology, Miragen had committed no wrongdoing. In fact, it was I who was at fault for wanting to die at her hands.
If I had died alone, or if I had cared for Miragen more in the first place, I wouldn’t be in this pain now.
“You don’t have to feel sorry.”
I knew that saying this wouldn’t magically return our relationship to what it used to be.
Even as I forcibly embraced her to prevent her from running away, I could feel her struggling to break free.
This might have a reverse effect, but I still wanted to clearly convey this.
But even so, the distance was growing. Miragen, pushing away Robert’s hands wrapped around her waist, said nothing more.
I knew in my heart that Robert didn’t blame me, and if I were to smile at him again, perhaps I could return to the way things were in this life.
“…I’m sorry.”
Would my trembling voice reach him? My blurry vision held nothing.
Over and over, I saw Robert die, and once again, at the end, I saw his decapitated head.
Only pure black darkness filled the scene. Even his outstretched hand seemed to blame me, so I hesitated and withdrew from reaching out once more.
“I’m sorry. I… I’m sorry.”
My feelings for Robert remained unchanged. Even after meeting him in this life, they had grown stronger, but after recalling those memories, they had become painfully clear.
That’s why it hurt. How could I explain the feeling of having killed the one I love with my own hands?
Hearing his voice made my ears sting, and encountering his empty eyes felt like it was all my fault.
He died because of me.
Because he met me, because he wanted to meet me.
I knew that the further apart we were, the harder it would be to get closer again, but I couldn’t judge whether it was right to approach Robert.
I needed time. To gather my heart and find the courage to get closer again.
Before I knew it, Miragen stepped out the door and quietly gazed at the distant Robert.
She silently watched.
She couldn’t meet his eyes. If she did, that icy blue gaze would mix with the hot wind, sending chills down her spine.
The world, growing darker by the moment, was nearing pitch black.
What kind of expression Robert was making in front of her? She shuddered at the thought and couldn’t lift her head.
Her trembling hand brushed the air before Miragen quietly lowered it, pressing her lips tightly together.
Just speaking felt like an apology too big to offer. How long would it take for these feelings to settle?
It would probably take a long time, and a tiny droplet slid down Miragen’s cheek as she stepped away from Robert.
Her bitten lips had turned a pale white.
If anyone were to see her, they would surely ask what had happened to her face, which looked so wrecked, but all she wanted was to be alone to escape Robert.
She couldn’t be sure if there would ever be a day when they could talk like before. Likely, she’d be apologizing for life.
Step.
Walking down the hollow corridor, the sound of her footsteps felt unusually loud.
A ringing in her ears echoed chaotically. A high-pitched tone enveloped her ears, causing her to chuckle softly without realizing.
The further she distanced herself from where Robert was, the louder the sound of her own sobs seemed to grow.
I’m sorry,
No matter how many times she said she was sorry, it was something she couldn’t be forgiven for.
Could she even grasp a fragment of Robert’s feelings? Miragen thought she was unworthy of that.
The moment she had killed Robert, she’d become someone who could never be forgiven.
That was all she could think. Her body, which had been swaying weakly, finally lost all strength.
She knew she was falling backward, but Miragen thought she’d rather fall down.
The pain that arose alongside the memories was too much to bear.
Yet, as if even that was denied to her, she realized that her body was being supported by someone and let out a small laugh.
It was probably the attendant nearby. If she saw their face, she would be shocked, and just as she hastily covered her face, it happened.
“You don’t need to cover up.”
The voice was unusually soft; it was a voice she had heard far too many times.
When Miragen opened her eyes, she saw blue irises. The difference this time was that they weren’t empty.
Mixed with all sorts of emotions, the gaze was exactly the same as the one she remembered from the first time they met.
Shimmering like jewels, it resembled a sapphire slightly muddied with moisture.
Robert gently stroked the tear-streaked face of the ruined Miragen.
He thought for a moment about letting go as he saw her about to leave, but he felt an urgency rise within him.
If I let go now, when will I see you next?
He had no intention of letting go. No way.
Having decided to bring this reincarnation to an end, at the very least, he had no intention of readily letting go of everything he loved.
He had no intention of postponing it for later. Miragen would suffer, and perhaps even after time passed, she would still be in pain.
Was this desire to lighten her burdens a greed?
Even if it was, Robert wanted to embrace that greed.
He had always been weak against Miragen, but this time—
He had no intention of giving in.
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