I lived in a fantasy.
Even though I knew that struggling alone wouldn’t change anything, and faintly aware that my death was inevitable no matter how hard I tried, I felt a sense of complacency, thinking that as long as I was with Miragen, it would be enough, and she would be safe.
“Miragen.”
Burning debris struck my shoulder. Blood flowed from broken and torn wounds, yet I didn’t feel any pain.
I was so devoid of concern that I solely focused on finding Miragen, walking through the flames.
My clothes were aflame, and the heat made my eyes feel parched. There wasn’t even moisture left for tears to flow anymore.
Was that why, as I rubbed my eyes, blood trickled down, I felt my vision blurring and quietly glanced around.
Crackle.
The sound of broken wooden debris burning filled the space.
Aside from that, there was no other sound, making me blame my own weakness.
If I could sense magic like a knight, I wouldn’t be wandering around like this.
If only I had been a little faster, if only I had noticed the presence more quickly. Even as my nails dug into my flesh, the regret didn’t fade.
Amidst the flowing crimson tears, my lips twisted into a grimace, as the emotion that bloomed within was indeed regret.
If I had given up on Miragen sooner, this wouldn’t have happened.
Didn’t I say I would make her happy? But in the end, all paths led to unhappiness.
Nothing changed. Always, forever. Miragen watched me die.
If time could turn back, it would be a different story.
But it wasn’t such a simple matter.
I remembered. No matter how much time rewound, in that eternal repetition, I still remembered that memory.
Could I truly dismiss it as non-existent? I had lived forgetting the wear and tear.
Always saying it was fine. Even knowing I couldn’t, I still thought I could love with the same heart.
Thus, I failed to consider that I had relaxed for a moment.
If I had devoted the same heart to Miragen from the start, I wouldn’t have even needed to go out separately to buy jewelry.
Looking back, it was the first time Miragen hasn’t been there when she returned. I was complacent. Foolish.
But no matter how much I reproached myself now, nothing would change.
Thirty-fifth. The only thing I learned while living that life was how to spread magic power.
I tried to avoid solving things through force. Even holding a sword was pointless for this body, as I hadn’t made any progress in a year.
So I thought it was a waste of time and gave up, but now, what difference did that make?
Even if I had just enough strength to cut through this fire with a sword, I wouldn’t have felt so powerless in this situation.
A pitiful man who couldn’t even do that had no choice but to run.
With bloodied hands, I flipped debris and pressed onward towards the ominous bloodstains occasionally visible on the ground.
I hope she’s alive.
If by some stroke of luck, she was hiding safely, avoiding the gaps, that would be enough.
It was okay to blame myself. I could hate myself, saying, where on earth have you been, and blame my ineptitude.
It was okay to blame.
As long as I was alive. Please, I hoped that if I was injured, it would at least be a light wound.
With the name of God I had cried out upon being born, I prayed.
While running, I gripped the Rosario I had received from the Order a while ago roughly.
“Miragen.”
I clenched my teeth at the lack of response to my call, frowning at the flame that brushed my forehead.
She must be alive. Miragen had never died before.
I believed in the past I had gone through, thinking that without any evidence, she must be alive.
-This feels familiar. I’ve never been here before, have I been here before?
I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t say I came with you.
It was a memory only I had, and whenever I returned to a place I had visited alone, I would sink into melancholy.
What was your mood like when you watched it? When you smiled like I remembered, how did you feel seeing my sad expression?
I couldn’t understand that.
-I’m happy just being with you. Honestly, I was a little surprised at first, but I can’t dislike someone who says they will love me.
Even when I suddenly approached, the woman accepted me without an explanation.
I never even spoke of wanting to use her. I could have easily done so.
Since we became lovers, I had been holed up in my room, solely thinking of how to deal with the Crown Prince, yet I never once heard her complain.
-You love me, right?
When did I first hear that question? Was it when I had died ten times after becoming Miragen’s lover?
At that time, just hearing that question made me angry, but now I felt I could understand why she asked me that.
With each step, I felt more drained than before.
At that point, I was already aware of the situation.
The wreckage of buildings gradually disappeared as I moved forward, and under the wide-open sky, dim starlight was flickering.
The red light was growing clearer.
It felt like a person with deep wounds was barely moving, and occasionally, the expression reflected in the puddles of coagulated blood froze.
A chilly wind, uncharacteristic of summer, blew.
The cold sweat forming on my forehead felt so cold it could freeze, making the air I breathed out seem like white mist.
The blood flowing throughout my body felt like it was congealing. The tingling sensation from my fingertips spiraled down my spine, and at last, I realized that what my gaze landed on was Miragen.
“…Miragen.”
I weakly mumbled the name I had called out hundreds of times in this brief moment.
The woman lying alone in the pool of blood was the one I had sought so desperately, and all I wanted was to deny that I was looking at her.
It couldn’t be true. Just because I hadn’t seen her for a few minutes, it couldn’t be that something that had never happened before would occur.
As I finally reached out my hand, I felt Miragen’s cheek, which had always been warm, growing cold.
The body of the woman I unknowingly held close seemed to be drawing closer to death.
Miragen is dying.
Even while that thought lingered in my mind, I found it hard to grasp reality, gazing blankly at the air while fidgeting with my mumbling lips.
“Robert, are you here?”
“Miragen—what the hell…”
What should I have done? Where did it all go wrong that you ended up like this?
Her hazy eyes seemed to have already lost their light.
But it seemed she could clearly see where I was, as Miragen’s hand reached out toward my cheek.
It’s cold. Even before I could register that feeling, I sensed the blood soaking my body.
I tried to reach out and stop the bleeding, but nothing changed.
I wasn’t a saint, nor did I know any healing magic at all. I had no idea how to express my thoughts.
Tears I thought had already dried up kept falling, and Miragen smiled faintly as she felt the moisture on her face.
“Why are you crying? It doesn’t make it easier for the person leaving.”
“I don’t want to hear that. I’ll save you, no matter what. Please. Don’t say you’re dying.”
Even if I tried to stop the bleeding, blood wasn’t going to stop. She had multiple wounds from the knife, after all.
I wondered if Kaitel had done this. When I asked in a panic, Miragen replied that she had awakened after fainting and hadn’t seen who stabbed her.
The fire was just there to hide Miragen’s condition.
In the first place, she must have been stabbed, so even if I followed the fire, it would have been too late.
A hollow laugh escaped me without meaning to. My tightly clenched fist turned white, and blood began to seep from where my nails dug into my flesh.
Still, I managed to laugh naturally somehow.
If I showed my anxiety, Miragen would become uneasy as well.
It wasn’t going as smoothly as I hoped. I could tell the expression I had was ridiculous.
“It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. This is just something that can happen to any royal family. It’s not your fault; I just had bad luck.”
“That can’t be—”
“Don’t blame yourself. You know it’s hard for me to talk right now. You’ll listen to me, right?”
As I barely suppressed the words trying to burst out, Miragen’s expression softened a bit as she reached her hand toward my cheek.
When the cold touch met my face, I almost broke down into tears.
Biting my lips, I watched Miragen chuckle softly as if nothing was wrong.
“I’m worried. If I’m gone, Robert will blame himself. He’ll try to handle everything alone, saying it’s his fault.”
“…I won’t do that.”
“Liar.”
We both knew that this was a lie.
If Miragen died like this, I would probably spend my life blaming myself for her death. Nothing would change.
I would find the one who killed Miragen and seek revenge, and I would gather strength to do so.
When I had matured, I would finally tell her I loved her again. But I knew nothing would change in the end.
“You always did that. Even if I got hurt just a little, you would get serious, lock yourself in your room, and try to figure out what went wrong. I’ve never blamed Robert for anything. This isn’t a lie; it’s the truth, you know?”
“Why would I not know? It’s something you’ve always said.”
“That was what you said.”
“…I’m sorry. I’ll go ahead.”
I wanted to argue that it was wrong. But the fading pulse slowly sealed my lips.
Miragen is dying. Perhaps tonight, Miragen will surely disappear from this world.
If I die, I might see her again, but the thirty-fifth Miragen died before me.
That won’t change, and it will become a thorn I must carry forever.
“I, had something to say. Can I say it?”
“You may speak.”
Holding back the urge to burst into tears, I inhaled deeply as Miragen gently swept my hair away with her hand.
“I always wanted to say this, but when I think about it, Robert was the only one who confessed when we first met. That weighed on my heart. I heard you like me, but I never actually said I liked you.”
Unlike when we first met, I knew she was always uncomfortable with my one-sided confessions.
But knowing her feelings, I thought it was okay not to listen. I lived that way and shared several lives like that.
If I knew what she was about to say, what kind of feelings would I harbor? Would I crumble, or would I rise again?
I wasn’t sure of that either, but I didn’t want to stop Miragen from saying what she intended.
“The line about falling in love at first sight was really nice. It’s something I always read in books.”
“…Is that so?”
“I wanted to say that too, but I guess I’m just not good with words. So I’ll confess in a somewhat shabby way. I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I have to say this.”
Her bright blue lips twitched, and a tiny voice escaped.
It was a small voice that only I in this world could hear.
“I… I like you, Robert…”
As the blood that surged forth from my mouth shocked my own hand, Miragen stopped me and smiled faintly.
Her trembling lips quivered for a moment, but perhaps that was all her strength, as they began to settle down.
“Is it okay if I like you?”
I don’t know the reason. At that moment, I was left speechless, too busy wiping away my flowing tears.
I couldn’t respond to the last words that Miragen uttered.
Even if I said she could like me a thousand times, she couldn’t hear it.
With my body already grown cold, my soul had vanished, so my words could no longer reach her.
“…You told me not to blame myself, so I will keep that promise.”
I wouldn’t blame myself. If that’s what was wanted, I wouldn’t think to hold myself accountable.
I just wanted to blame my own weakness.
For lacking the strength to protect the one I love, I wished to resent the futility of having let her go.
With a deep breath.
Stabbing the sword into my heart was an easy task.
Having lived so many times in a happy illusion, enduring this level of pain felt like nothing.
If I couldn’t wield the sword, I was prepared to repeat it over and over again to reach you.
By any means necessary.
No matter what it took.
Next time, I swear to save you, the thirty-fifth version of myself vowed.
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