– Wow, I had something to say, but I guess now’s the time to say it.
I shake my head at the faint voice that reaches me.
It’s a voice I had forgotten yet couldn’t erase from my memory. There was a moment when I struggled to catch my breath as my limp body clung on.
Tears filled my face as I felt along my cooling body.
With a heaving breath, my chest rose and fell, yet in that moment, I forced a smile as I grabbed the hand reaching toward my face.
…It was for me.
– It’s okay, it’s really okay. I can do this, so please, just stay alive.
Having been through thirty deaths, this was my fifth time around. It’s one of the few memories I seem to recall with precise order.
I smiled through my teary eyes.
I tried to hide the fact that I was crying by pulling my lips tight, but my face was already drenched with flowing tears.
My body was bleeding out profusely, and my mind felt so hazy that I might just drift away at any moment.
Yet, my gaze was fixated solely on one woman.
The woman who should never have died among my countless lives.
That very woman was bleeding out in my embrace. I saw the sword lodged in her chest.
Unable to pull it out, I was in a panic, and she was smiling gently at me despite my turmoil.
I had no idea how we ended up in such a situation.
I thought everything had been going well, that I was succeeding, but then the unexpected variables popped up from nowhere.
No. It’s not that I didn’t know.
I knew, but my mind went blank in the face of such a sudden event.
How could I maintain my composure when someone I thought was safest was ambushed?
Yet for me, who had lived thirty lives, it was just an excuse.
I could have stayed calm. If I had lived my previous lives just a little more diligently,
if I had vowed just once to live for myself, I might have been able to deal with the situation.
– This is something I should have said when we first met, but the situation kept twisting and I never got to. So…ah.
– You don’t have to say it. You can tell me later – just… you really don’t have to say anything. Just focus on breathing; that’s enough.
– No! If I don’t say it now, I’ll regret it terribly.
As I feel my strength slowly fading, I refuse to let go of hope.
I believed I could live, so her dying wasn’t fate; I believed that.
But isn’t this already a tangled fate? I have no idea what I was expecting.
I was weak.
The reason my twenty lives were wasted in madness was probably because I realized my own weakness.
I close my eyes to that voice still fresh in my mind.
The memory of that day when I first vowed to wield a sword.
I wipe my dry face and let out a sigh, letting those memories slip away.
I thought I had cast aside all my regrets, yet I still felt like I lived within those memories.
– I… Robert, you.
On the last night of the thirty-fifth, when Miragen died, the night was pale, filled with a full moon and not a single cloud in sight.
The uncertainty remained.
It was still the same.
No matter how many times I died and reincarnated, I would again have my mind twisted and let go of everything.
-…Can I like you?
Could I completely forget this memory?
The moonlight seeping through the thin curtains was cool.
It tinted the dark room a shade of blue for a moment, but I stared at the light as it disappeared again with the shadows.
I had no idea why I woke up at this early dawn.
The sudden surge of anxiety was so abrupt that as I blinked, even the little remaining drowsiness vanished.
I didn’t know why this memory had suddenly resurfaced.
If hearing about Miragen in the Northwest was the cause… then perhaps this anxiety wasn’t so hard to understand.
Northwest, I had heard there were a few immigrant tribes there, hadn’t I?
I said it would be better to be cautious, so I trusted they would be careful, but my concern was still the same.
Just stay tucked away in the imperial palace. If that’s the case, I should have talked about the mines after visiting the North instead.
At this rate, I would just be excessively worried. What I had just recalled was an old memory of mine.
It remained quite vividly, instantly flipping my attitude towards the notion of reincarnation.
The death of the thirty-fifth Miragen.
And then, hadn’t I died by the hands of the fifty-fifth Miragen?
Thus ended my madness.
Repeatedly taking my own life, only to finally grasp the sword and reach the pinnacle.
It was by dying at the hands of Miragen that I regained my full sanity.
It was certain that this was a memory I didn’t want to recall.
Letting out a small sigh, I rubbed my eyes and forced that memory to scatter.
Although I lived in the past, I knew well how to dispel these feelings.
So, I got up from my spot and picked up the sword.
In times like these, it was better to do something.
It was better to completely clear my head and somehow relieve the tightness inside me.
Otherwise, I would go insane, so I began to walk toward the dawn.
Until the sun rose, I should keep moving without rest.
#
My whole body was drenched in sweat, the flowing sweat thoroughly soaking the surrounding earth.
I quietly watched the dirt, now blackened as the snow melted.
The area around me was completely surrounded by melted snow forming a circle.
Before long, the rising sun touched the sweat, glittering, and I brushed my hair back, then set down the sword.
Having moved out in the early morning, I must have been moving for several hours.
I was already at my limits, barely standing, but I had to do this to increase my stamina.
Using magic for a long time was a crucial factor, so if I didn’t enhance my stamina now, there was a high possibility I would struggle with power later.
My goal wasn’t betrayal, was it?
As betrayal was a race against time, it was best to be prepared to finish everything within 24 hours.
If I used magic now, could I move for about an hour?
Even that was limited to mere movement, making for a rather bleak situation.
That was the immediate case. I figured my stamina would be sorted out in about a year.
The climate and terrain of the North and South were quite harsh, so if I used the pretext of subjugating the immigrant tribes, my stamina would naturally improve, wouldn’t it?
“Isn’t it going to grow naturally?”
As I sheathed my sword and caught my breath, I sensed a presence nearby.
Turning my head to gaze at the person staring blankly at me, I saw a large figure.
“…Hello.”
“Do you always train like that?”
“Excuse me?”
“I was just asking if you always train like that. So, um, I’m not interrogating you. I’m just curious.”
Perhaps realizing that his tone sounded a bit intrusive, Bunta scratched his cheek and cautiously asked again.
There truly were no bad people around.
By the way, training. It was closer to a means of clearing my head rather than actual training.
If I didn’t move my body to clear my mind, I would be buried under the overwhelming memories and struggle to regain my sanity.
After a moment of contemplation, I nodded, agreeing with the notion.
It would indeed be better to keep moving like this.
The time to increase my lacking stamina was rather tight.
At this, Bunta looked at me with slight surprise.
He was probably still worried about losing to me. That’s why he came all the way here to find me.
“You can join me if you want. After all, we’re in the same lieutenant team now, right?”
“…Is that really okay? I thought you might care about status since you’re a noble.”
We’re already speaking informally, so why worry about status? The North is quite different from the Center in any case.
Unless someone is from the Imperial Family, aren’t they below a Grand Duke?
Even high-ranking nobles are nothing but empty titles here, and the fact that I am the firstborn of a Duke is of little consequence.
“I’ve already mentioned to the Grand Duke that here, I’m just Robert. If we are in the same team, status shouldn’t matter.”
“I like that.”
“In that case, I’ll take my leave. I think I need to wash up soon. We should prepare for the hunt, right?”
Bunta grinned, approached me, and playfully patted my back with his enormous hands.
It was a habit he had whenever he found someone he liked.
“Haha!” Bunta laughed and opened his mouth.
His gaze held warmth as he looked at me, and it seemed my previous comment had pleased him.
“I thought you were just an unruly young master, but you’re actually more refreshing than I expected. So, will I be seeing you every morning from now on?”
“I’ll probably be out around dawn. I’m not much of a sleeper.”
“That’s just great!”
I was worried he might have different feelings about what happened yesterday, but it turned out I was overthinking things.
Bunta’s reaction was just as I had anticipated.
It wasn’t going to change; I could breathe easy now.
As Bunta went off to the training grounds, I was finally left alone to go wash up.
I rested my head under the flowing warm water and tried to empty my mind.
Wiping thoughts away was the most crucial element for my composure.
It might have been a habit developed from the moment I began reincarnating, instinctively reacting from my body.
If I had lived with a cluttered mind, I surely would have succumbed to madness again at some point.
In truth, the memories of that time aren’t very vivid.
After all, it was a period when I took my own life, so I didn’t really need to remember all of it.
The only thing I distinctly recalled was the moment I picked up a sword.
At that time, I felt relieved that I had taken the sword.
If I remained ignorant of the sword, I wouldn’t have been able to find even a hint of connection to the North.
If I were still ignorant about swords, I wouldn’t have been able to find any connection to the North.
If I had to find a place where I could feel the most at ease, it would be the North.
Here, bad memories are the least frequent, so there were times I could forget everything and laugh comfortably.
Shaking off the moisture on my body, I find a pair of pants and put them on.
As I walked down the hallway, drying my hair with a towel, I suddenly felt a presence in front of me.
Looking up, I saw a woman staring at me. It was Adele, who had her hair tied up today unlike usual.
“…What are you doing?”
“I just washed up. I was on my way to my room.”
Thinking it was no big deal, I answered nonchalantly, but Adele’s eyes were clearly shaken.
Wondering what the problem was, I tilted my head and suddenly remembered I wasn’t wearing anything on top.
Was that the cause of her wandering gaze?
Fortunately, I hadn’t been lazy about maintaining my body, so I couldn’t find any flab, but the scars all over my body were a different story.
It would look weird for the Young Master to have burn marks and shallow scars from Yuria’s handiwork.
I briefly covered up with the towel, and Adele’s wandering eyes found their focus.
“Cough.”
The tips of Adele’s ears turned slightly red as she cleared her throat.
Then, glancing at me with a feigned cold voice, she muttered,
“I never knew you had exhibitionist tendencies. Aren’t you cold?”
“I’m fine when I use magic power. And about the clothes… I’ll be more careful.”
“Don’t forget that there are women around. I feel embarrassed too, you know.”
Most of the lieutenants are men, aren’t they?
I found that statement a bit puzzling, but I nodded and replied.
A woman? It’s a fact I could easily forget when I’m with Adele.
However, no one is more conscious of it than I am.
Though she acts like that on the outside, she’s quite a delicate character, isn’t she?
“You’ve tied your hair today.”
“I don’t know why you suddenly bring that up.”
I asked with a small laugh, and Adele stared at me with a look that clearly showed her disapproval, likely due to my appearance.
It was simple to ease Adele’s mood.
After all, it had always been me solving situations like this, so I answered her question again.
Casually, as if passing by.
“I think it suits you well.”
In that instant, Adele’s gaze froze. It might have been my imagination, but at least, that’s how I felt.
When I was starting to suspect that something about the stillness was bothering her, Adele, who had been staring at me, replied naturally.
“…Is that so? Anyway, once you put on some clothes, come to my room.”
“Understood.”
Adele, who responded nonchalantly, turned her head with an indifferent expression.
It was the reaction I expected. Even when I complimented her like this before, she always responded dryly.
Having seemingly said all she needed to say, Adele pulled her gaze away from me and walked past.
Watching her disappearing figure, I noticed one slight difference from earlier: her steps seemed a bit lighter.
I thought, she must be in a better mood now.
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