Every morning when I open my eyes, I’m always drenched in sweat.
This time was no different.
Cold sweat trickled down my forehead, and I frowned at the damp sensation.
It was because of a nightmare. Specifically, the memories of the times I had died. No matter how many times I experience it, that feeling never really gets easier, does it?
If I could just get used to dying, it might be a bit more bearable, but no matter how hard I try, that emotion doesn’t change.
If someone wasn’t afraid of such things, they’d really be something other than human, wouldn’t they?
I clenched and unclenched my hands a few times before letting out a small sigh and getting out of bed.
The faces of the people who had killed me always appeared in my nightmares.
Though I had chosen death myself at times, it never felt like a nightmare to me.
Back then, it was truly difficult.
I just wanted to forcibly end this reincarnation, so I was only desperately struggling through that period.
…People who want to turn back time can be found anywhere.
Those who say that if they could turn back to the moment they regretted, to the moment their loved one died, they could accomplish anything.
I also chose reincarnation, not much different from those people,
But that doesn’t mean I think positively about this reincarnation.
This is a curse.
It’s like a life that binds a person to the guillotine of time, endlessly striking down on your unyielding neck.
Building connections with people can only happen so many times.
What if you only accumulate experiences repeated with the same people in the same events?
In the previous cycle, the woman who said she loved me in the next cycle considers me her mortal enemy.
The assassin who tried to kill me eventually becomes my life savior,
Even if those twisted connections change to seem like the first time I knew them,
They could not be called the same person to me.
It’s only natural to go mad.
There were times when I wished for time to rewind after dying once.
I implored, “Please remember me,” and right after time turned back, I went to ask if they recognized me, but I was treated like a madman.
Only I knew about the time rewind,
And I alone knew how many times time had gone back in this world.
Having been briefly insane like that… I think the period when I died the most was back then.
I both died by my own hand and, in a fit of madness, beat someone to death and got caught, facing execution.
Was it then that I first saw Yuria die?
Various thoughts came to mind, but it was certain that my half-deaths had been experienced during that period.
Then, having regained my senses, I had gone through a few cycles again and now I found myself here.
Having given up so much, it’s honest to say I want to end everything in this cycle.
Given that, there’s no way I could rest. I was curious about what Yuria would say today.
As the full moon festival was still underway, my father was still not here.
In this ducal residence, perhaps only Yuria and I remained.
We’d probably meet during meals, so I’d have to see for myself what she’d say to me.
After a bit more time, Renold knocked on the door.
When he said it was time to eat, I stepped outside and strangely realized how quiet the ducal residence was.
It was normally quiet, but this was a calm so chillingly silent.
I gave Renold a sidelong glance and opened my mouth.
She gave a sideways glance and spoke up.
“Is something going on? The atmosphere feels a bit off.”
“Well… it’s just that the Lady of the House is feeling unwell.”
“Unwell?”
“This morning she appeared with a pale complexion and said not to serve her any meals today.”
So that’s why everyone is tense. When someone who’s never like that suddenly acts up, subordinates are bound to tremble in fear. If Yuria, who usually keeps her life in order, is behaving like this, everyone must think they’ve done something wrong.
…It seemed there was indeed some reaction, though it was hardly surprising.
Part of me found it amusing. If they were shaken by something so minor, how on earth were they going to cope with what was to come?
I let out a small, inaudible chuckle and then continued on with a nonchalant expression.
“Tell everyone there’s no need to be tense. It’s just that she’s really not feeling well.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, I checked, so there shouldn’t be any other news.”
If they’re really reacting to what I said, it might be quiet for a while.
That’s a relief. Since I have many things to do for a while, it’s best if she doesn’t interfere.
So today’s task could just be one thing.
I feel like I need to meet Arwen again.
#
“…Seems like the door is still shut.”
After having a meal, I went straight to Arwen’s house, but it was completely blocked off.
The door was there, but it was sealed with a barrier she created herself, making it impossible to gauge her reaction.
Since she said she needed time to think, this was probably to be expected.
The problem is there’s no sign of this barrier lifting.
I could break it myself, but it’d take a good month if I went about it carefully.
If I had known this situation would arise, I should have invested in magic.
Unfortunately, I’ve only dabbled with weapons, so I don’t know much about magic.
Without that, I don’t have much to do today.
My next appointment is right after the full moon festival, so I have some free time until then.
Teresa hasn’t made a move yet, and Yuria is holed up in her room.
Thinking about this, I realized that my current life is quite free.
If things were like they used to be, I’d be following Yuria around, inspecting various aspects of the full moon festival.
Just wandering around like this… is something I wouldn’t even have imagined in the past.
The festival is still in full swing, with people bustling around in the streets.
I turned down an alley to avoid mixing with the crowd, but even so, it was still packed, making it difficult to move.
I wondered how it would be if Adele were here.
She might have drawn her sword and started swinging it around.
Or perhaps she would have been stomping along with her lips pouted.
After thinking about a few things, I realized that my impression of Adele was quite solid.
It’s a strange thing. We haven’t even met that many times, but I have not formed a bad impression of her at all.
The experiences I’ve had through reincarnation are filled with countless hearts belonging to one person.
Someone you thought was kind could actually be a habitual liar, while someone you thought was gentle could end up being a child killer.
The different sides of that person were bound to change many times in various situations.
But Adele Igrit… regardless of the situation, she didn’t change much.
She always lived the way she wanted and moved with the winds.
Free-spirited, yet it hardly ever harmed anyone.
There were times when she had been swept along by it.
And that life… I remember it being the time when I lived the most comfortably.
Back then, starting anew in the North seemed possible with such a mindset, but in this life, at least, I didn’t want to live like that.
Isn’t it time to bring things to a close?
Unless it comes to strangling the Crown Prince with this hand of mine, there was no reason to flee to the North.
As I walked like that, I found myself nearing the outskirts of the city.
Far away from the heart of the Full Moon Festival, unlike anywhere else, I could see plenty of trees and flowers.
I knew there was a place like this, but seeing it for myself was quite the pleasant experience.
Instead of paved roads or buildings, I stood in the midst of lush greenery with nothing blocking my view, gazing into the distance.
Petals danced in the wind and fell gently, while small animals moved through the rustling grass.
Was this spot cultivated as a green space according to a planned district?
Until now, I hadn’t often visited this place, but thinking back, it felt like this was my first time coming here during this season.
Wouldn’t this leisurely greenery be better than a bustling city where you couldn’t even find a place to step?
As I walked along the path, I came across a stone staircase.
Following it up, after climbing steep steps for a while, I spotted a large tree in view.
A willow tree, with its long branches hanging down, surrendered itself to the wind, and I caught my breath before settling beneath it.
The swaying leaves tickled my hair, but my gaze was directed toward the view visible beneath the willow.
Being on elevated ground, I could see everything below.
Under the sky that was gradually turning red, the landscape of the city I lived in came into view.
…For a moment, I lost myself in thought.
Contrary to what I had expected to be ordinary, the city bustling with the Full Moon Festival looked like a painting.
Light flowed.
Not merely a sight, but the lights connecting people’s hands flowed through the streets like water.
Sometimes emitting red light, sometimes blue, the colorful lanterns danced through hands.
The true beginning of the Full Moon Festival would only be visible once night fell, but the day’s Full Moon Festival was different.
It was a blessing for the moon’s rise, embodying this sunset.
Thus, the streets were gradually being dyed crimson.
Preparing for the time when night would come, the colors of the lanterns shifted along with the setting sun.
As I vacantly stared at this, the sky began to succumb to darkness.
The city’s name, the City of Light, finally revealed its true nature, and soon the starlight lost its glimmer against the radiant brilliance of the city’s lights.
Only a pale white light, akin to moonlight, remained in the city, painting the night sky instead of the stars…
And only after that baptism of light faded away did my mind finally return to reality.
At last, I had returned to touch reality.
Now, a slightly cooler breeze brushed against my cheek.
It was that time when summer was coming to an end.
The sky was rising, and the moon, which had been closest to me, was now touching the high heavens and drifting away from the empire.
Ah, autumn.
My reason, now aligned with reality, was in a somewhat dazed state.
Time had flown by, and I hadn’t really grasped that autumn was upon us.
Usually, around this time, there were so many things happening that I didn’t even have a moment to spare; it was the first time I could calmly think about future matters.
A lot had changed.
Teresa was no longer my fiancée, and I had reunited with Adele, forming some sort of connection with Saint Adriana.
And I hadn’t openly told Yuria that I disliked her.
The version of me from before couldn’t even bear to think about the things I was now doing directly.
“Is this the 101st time?”
Having died 100 times, I was undoubtedly living the 101st life now.
If I had been foolish enough to repeat actions a hundred times, that was enough.
Thus, I resolved to live differently this time.
There was no need to hesitate or worry about anything.
Because if I died this time, it would truly be the end.
Surely, eternal death would come for me.
I glanced down for a moment, then slowly raised my head and gently closed my eyes.
Willow leaves fluttered in the wind and got caught between my fingers.
Though it seemed like they would fly away in the wind, they stubbornly clung on, making me chuckle for no reason.
It felt like watching the actions I had taken in the past.
If I just slightly opened my fingers, they would vanish into the wind, but the effort they put in to hold on was so reminiscent of me.
Yet, I had to let go.
Letting them fly away was the natural order. I needed to abandon the lingering attachments held by these leaves.
Whoosh—
With one more gust of wind, the leaves soared into the air.
Riding the breeze, they danced in the air for a while before disappearing into the unseen.
Where would those leaves go? Nobody knew.
It was certain that it was a completely different world from the branch I had always clung to.
Wasn’t I the same? It was time to move on and let go of my regrets.
The future, freed from the ties of the precious past, was something even I could not predict.
It would be filled only with things unknown to me,
And whether its end would be a tragedy or a comedy, no one could say.
But the funny thing was, despite that, I felt relieved.
I caught the leaf once more in my hand, and then sent it soaring back to the sky with the wind.
Thus, I let go of my regrets too.
The wind blew again, cooling my forehead.
Summer was ending, and the day when the moon would grow thin again was drawing near.
The season, which could be called the greatest variable of my life, brought a faint smile to my lips.
Autumn is coming.
A season that nobody, including myself, could predict.
The 101st autumn was on its way.
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