Where should I even start talking?
It was harder to open my mouth when sharing a past marked by trauma than I thought.
I guess it’s because I truly wish that my feelings will be conveyed completely without even a small misunderstanding when I speak about that person.
“Well, I got to know them relatively recently, but they are someone I am incredibly grateful to. If my family helped me endure up to this point, then I think it’s safe to say that they were the first person to make me realize my own worth.”
“Oh, so this person is very meaningful to you, Mr. Cosmo. Is it possible they are a woman?”
“Y-Yes.”
【Sweet Ahnie’s Club】 – Oh wow
【K-HipHopTopCosmo】 – Mhm, mhm
【Potato Ring】 – Stop it, you!
As I awkwardly responded to the sharp-witted Mr. Exit, the chat window began to scroll rapidly.
Some people asked if I had a girlfriend, but unfortunately, that was not the case, so I immediately denied it.
“It’s not like she’s my girlfriend. She’s just a fan who has supported me for a long time… At first, I was a bit taken aback. Like, ‘Someone like this likes me?’”
“Doesn’t that mean she’s quite beautiful?”
“Um, well, that’s one way to put it, but it’s a bit different. You know how people say it feels like there’s a halo behind someone? That’s exactly how she felt.”
Even though I described it somewhat vaguely due to my lack of eloquence, both Mr. Exit and the viewers seemed to understand perfectly.
After all, everyone usually encounters someone like that in their lives.
“Anyway, I haven’t known that person for very long, but I realized a lot during that time. Especially, I came to understand that being Cosmo, a streamer, is something that receives far more love than I had initially thought.”
When I first felt that, the joy was beyond words. Aside from my family and maybe one long-time friend, I wondered if there was anyone in the world who recognized my existence.
But when a person I met for the first time told me that I was truly a precious existence, I honestly felt like I had been saved in a corner of my heart.
However, that didn’t immediately lead to positivity about myself.
“There seems to be a distinction when you refer to yourself as Cosmo instead of Kang Woo-joo, doesn’t it?”
“Haha, exactly right. How did you know?”
As I stammered while trying to say that, Mr. Exit’s sharp observation made me chuckle awkwardly.
“That’s right. Actually, I lived distinguishing between the me that shows up on the stream and my usual self.”
“Some people do exist like that. So, it’s not that strange in a way.”
Some even change their voice or mannerisms while broadcasting or might be calm in their daily lives but deliberately act over-the-top for their streams.
It’s not inherently strange; in fact, one could argue it’s impressive to be able to adapt oneself on a whim according to needs. However, I felt a bit different from those people.
“That’s true. But actually, I was an exception, and as I mentioned earlier… I said that I lost my confidence after going through that incident, right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“So, subconsciously, I thought things like, ‘If the person who appears on the stream is the real Kang Woo-joo, could they receive such love?’ or ‘Maybe the reason I’m getting this much attention is that the person I am on the stream and the real me are different?’”
“Ah… That’s a sad reflection.”
【Frog in a Hole】 – So you really had zero self-esteem…
【That’s What I Will Do】 – How low must your self-deprecation have been to think that way…?
【Fallen Flower】 – Maintaining your energy on stream must be exhausting.
The chat continued expressing their sympathy, but I purposely didn’t read them. The reason I was sharing these words now wasn’t to gain sympathy or seek pity.
“When I had those thoughts, I met that person. At first, they were just a fan saying they enjoyed my streams and what they liked about them… so I was normally pleased. Wow, I can meet fans too, I thought.”
“When you first meet a fan, that happens. I felt the same way.”
Seeing Mr. Exit nodding with a knowing smile gave me a strange feeling that even major corporate streamers are all the same when they first started.
And so, my words continued.
“Then, by chance, we ended up meeting often enough to eat together and have coffee. Rather than fan and streamer, we became more like close older sister and younger brother.”
“Oh, wow…”
Mr. Exit, looking like a typical uncle hearing about someone else’s love story, made a low gasp as if enchanted.
“But when it actually happened, it was a bit confusing. Whenever she treated me exceptionally well, I kept having to control my mind, thinking, ‘No, this is an act of kindness from Cosmo’s fan.’”
“So, you were trying to perceive those actions as gestures from a fan rather than as an attraction from a romantic perspective.”
“Exactly. On one hand, she is such a charming person that I also thought, ‘No way, right?’”
【Cro-Magnon】 – Sounds like you intentionally overlooked the signals…
【Ahnie’s Loan Shark】 – Honestly, if I were in that situation, I’d find it hard not to think otherwise… It makes sense to worry about drinking the kimchi soup when your self-esteem is low, while the other person is someone amazing.
【Malti Chuu】 – That’s tough…
The chat continued along those lines, but at least I felt that the expressions of sympathy should rather be directed towards that person, not me.
Even if there were personal reasons behind my actions, what I did was merely trampling on another person’s kindness, while they had to quietly endure their feelings without knowing my heart.
So I wanted to take this opportunity to apologize.
“By the way, I realized something the other day during our conversation. That their affection towards me wasn’t just due to liking Cosmo the streamer. This person was actually someone who was willing to embrace even my vulnerable sides that I was hiding during broadcasts, and I realized that far too late.”
【Banya】 – Did you just confess or something?
【Pansong Egg Tart】 – Oh wow…
【Kokkiyaho】 – So you’re finally ready to escape being single?
I hadn’t really meant it in that context, but perhaps because everyone was receiving it as a romantic dilemma, they seemed eager with their reactions.
Of course, saying it’s a romantic endeavor isn’t entirely wrong either.
“And so, I want to sincerely apologize. I’m really sorry for not facing that person honestly until now, and I regret making them wait due to my shortcomings.”
I bowed my head while addressing that person, Seo-ha, who might be watching this stream.
“So if you’re watching this broadcast, though I lack any shame, I want to ask for your help. From now on, I will confidently face you as human Kang Woo-joo. Thank you always.”
I don’t know how this sincerity would reach her. My apologies might not be accepted, and perhaps she might feel hurt enough to distance herself now.
But if there’s one more chance, I want to be able to seize it this time. I wanted to ask for that.
This is my small yet entirely sincere heartfelt truth.
*
The sincerity from Uju, echoed from beyond the screen, deeply struck my chest.
Honestly, it would be a lie to say I had no disappointments about never being recognized despite showing so much kindness to you.
At one point, it felt a bit unfair. How much more do I have to show before you recognize it?
Or maybe, is it simply that I, as a woman, don’t meet your standards? If that’s the case, I would’ve rather wanted you to tell me that even now.
But no, it wasn’t like that.
You were fighting diligently against your own weakness, and despite that, you were also doing your utmost to understand the feelings of the other person.
Realizing this late made me feel guilty as I wondered if it was really me avoiding facing you properly all along. I started to reflect whether all those times I said I wanted to embrace your weaknesses and shortcomings were mere empty words.
To you, who belatedly conveyed your true feelings and approached me, I can only express my gratitude.
It doesn’t matter how long this wait has been. What matters is that it has finally borne fruit.
– And to those who, like me, are flawed yet still enjoy my words, and consistently come to my streams, I want to take this opportunity to express my gratitude.
As I finished my remarks, watching Uju deeply bow, countless words filled my head but I couldn’t bring myself to type them in the chat or donate.
After all, I’m no longer the only person who cherishes that person.
【‘Frog that Leaped Away’ donated 50,000 Cheese!】 – Your streams always help me a lot. Don’t think of yourself as a flawed person. We are the ones who are always grateful to you.
【‘Hani Who Lives Next Door’ donated 20,000 Cheese!】 – I’ve been a fan since the first time I joined the Counseling Room. If that person is watching this broadcast, they will surely recognize you. So keep your spirits up, Mr. Cosmo.
【‘Kokkiyaho’ donated 100,000 Cheese!】 – I always wondered why you called yourself a worthless person on stream. But now I understand. Still, hang in there. I wish you realize that just as we gain strength from you, you also give us strength.
【‘Moscos’ donated 77,777 Cheese!】 – You’re the first person I’ve wished happiness for while seeing them in life. Please be happy. Cosmo fighting!
With the endless stream of donations and voice messages showing no signs of stopping, I placed my hands on the keyboard, only to freeze like a statue.
There are so many things I want to say amidst all of that.
But I can’t. No, I don’t want to.
The reason why, you and I probably know better than anyone else.
For us to convey our feelings for each other, this medium isn’t needed anymore, nor do we want it.
Pat.
As I wiped away the drop of tears that fell on the keyboard, a smile emerged involuntarily, like the sky clearing after rain.
Now, the only thought that remains in my head is that I will face myself with confidence, and it seems to be pulling the corners of my mouth upwards.
Perhaps I really have become a fool.
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