Heaven turned into hell. The ecstasy that felt like I owned the world became unbearable pain.
I’m so thirsty. It feels like I’m burning.
I tried to wrap my throat, dry and blazing like a scorching desert, with both hands. I knew it wouldn’t change anything, but it was a desperate struggle to somehow alleviate this suffering.
But I couldn’t even do that meaningless action. Bound by crimson, unyielding chains, I had no freedom. In this pure white world, there existed only me and that.
“Don’t resist. Accept it. If you just resolve to live according to your instincts, there will be no more suffering.”
It whispered to me while squatting at my level, matching my voice. I tried to resist the bizarre and unpleasant sensation, but the chains didn’t budge an inch, like a mountain.
“Get lost. Put me back in reality.”
“Aha, I don’t want to do that. I’ve finally gotten this opportunity.”
I didn’t ask it who it was. Though this was the first time it had appeared in my form, I had heard that voice countless times.
Ever since I nearly killed Plona with my own hands in the Mist Labyrinth, I had been trying to suppress it. It had shaken me every time my will weakened.
That was the voice of my instincts. The identity I possessed as the Progenitor of a species that lives by drinking the blood of others, rooted in my heart and True Blood.
What I had always suppressed and avoided finally stood before me, looking just like me. I instinctively understood it was time to confront and end this.
“It’s your fault. If you’re a Vampire, you should just kill, drink, and enjoy as you please, but you keep rejecting me. Do you still think you’re human?”
“…I know. I’ve known for a long time. I’m a Vampire, not a human, and I’ll never be able to become human.”
“I can’t understand. If you live true to your instincts, you could find happiness, so why do you hate it so much? Weren’t you fine with killing and drinking without hesitation after tasting blood for the first time? Why act so high and mighty now?”
It tilted its head as if it couldn’t understand.
It felt strange. While it looked like me, its expressions and movements were vibrant and unhidden with emotions, making it seem more like me than I was.
“You can never return to the pure days. You can’t become human, and you can’t escape the fate of being a blood-drinking monster. How long do you think you can endure this?”
I recalled the moment when I nearly dashed towards the elder dragon in madness.
I was scared. I was afraid that if I surrendered here, I would lose myself again.
“Acknowledge your desires and accept your instincts. If you do that—”
“Who cares about that?”
“…What?”
It scowled fiercely, and the strength of the chains binding me and the burning thirst intensified.
It hurt. It was painful. It was terrifying.
But I didn’t shy away from its fierce gaze; I looked straight into its eyes.
“Yeah, I’ve killed a lot. I’ve drunk a lot. Thanks to that, I’ve become strong enough to reach this point, and if that’s the karma I have to bear, I have no intention of denying it.”
I am a Vampire.
In body and spirit, I can never become human again.
“But the past doesn’t matter anymore. How I choose to live moving forward is up to the me of now.”
“…Ha. So you plan to defeat the Spirit of Light and save the continent? You haven’t forgotten what was done to you by humans and what was done to Vampires by other races, right?”
I know. How could I forget?
Contrary to my naive hope, the world wasn’t all that beautiful. Once you peel away the veneer of false virtue, the world is filled only with cruel and ruthless strong ones, ready to stab others at any time.
The sense of powerlessness, betrayal, and despair returned to me as a price for my belief and hope; I would likely never be able to forget it even in death.
“You said the burden of responsibility is heavy. You don’t have to stick with groups anymore. You’ve gained the strength to achieve your desires on your own.”
This is also true. The fact that I repeatedly threw myself onto the battlefield ever since becoming a Queen boils down to the instinct to survive.
But the enemies targeting my life were far too colossal, making it impossible to resist with just one individual’s power, and I had to admit the need to borrow the strength of others to face those I couldn’t battle alone.
It was secondary to repay a debt of gratitude. I just didn’t want to betray the expectations of those who stood by my side; if they didn’t help my survival, I would never have gotten entangled with them in the first place.
“Live according to your instincts. With this worn-out body, you faced the first being for several days. Now that you’ve gained power, your odds are much better, right?”
This was hard to refute.
The fact that the odds are slim remains unchanged, but at least it’s better than when I recklessly challenged Yustelein without any plans.
If, by any chance, I were to win against Yustelein, I could experience a paradise beyond compare to the little taste I had earlier.
That was undeniably an appealing option. Having tasted Dragon’s Blood made it impossible to deny.
There was value in risking my life for Yustelein’s blood. Considering the ecstasy and omnipotence I could gain through victory, there was a reason to charge in as long as there was even a one in a million chance.
“But it’s too late.”
Right. From the beginning, whether the odds were there or not didn’t matter.
“I’m not grouping up just to survive anymore.”
Though it was an initial calculation, I now had people who would willingly lay down their lives for me.
“There are still those who trust me and fight with their lives on the line.”
Plona and her crew headed to persuade the Empire and the Suwong Kingdom.
The vampires led by Slein and Bianca, who decided not to retreat and prepared for a rematch in Lushere.
The Beastmen led by Kanak and the elves from Laventa.
Those from Bertika and Armes Grand Duke’s territory, including Selina, who are working on supplies and rear support.
So many people were preparing to stand and fight against Luminous instead of fleeing, believing my absurd story about going to Dragonkin’s Village to request support.
Even Eleonora and Lavina discarded the option of saving their own lives despite the failure of the initial plan.
They vowed to either live or die together.
“It’s not about responsibility.”
Even thinking again, the crown doesn’t suit me.
I had promised hope to many and brought them this far, but somewhere in my heart, I couldn’t truly believe they were my people.
They were Martini and Jeil’s subordinates. Relying on such vague connections, like acquaintances of acquaintances, felt burdensome, and the pressure of having to meet expectations was unbearable.
But.
“Even in this garbage world, there are people who make me believe it’s not all bad.”
They say the ones who stand by you in life’s hardest moments are the connections that must be held onto.
Facing the overwhelming despair of Luminous, if they trusted me and held their ground, there was more than enough reason to save them.
“They are my people. Weighing them against instincts and impulses, is—”
Clang! As I put strength into my legs, the chains tightened.
Pain shot through me, enough to feel like they might snap. But this time, I wouldn’t falter.
“What?! Wait—!!”
“—The balance is off.”
Crack! Some chains that hadn’t budged began to snap.
In their place, a thirst as if I was on fire began to spread through my veins. The thirst had transformed into searing pain.
It hurt more. More than the tortures of having my belly opened and organs shredded, more than when spears pierced my flesh and broke my bones, more than when my limbs were severed and half my heart was torn out.
“You, you. How…?”
“My only specialty.”
Objectively speaking, aside from the power I had as a Vampire, I didn’t have anything particularly good about me—I was an ordinary person. But I was confident that I could endure pain.
“My future is determined by my will.”
Clatter! The chains binding my arms shattered, and the version of me that looked just like me took a step back.
I absolutely wouldn’t end it here. Responding to my wish, the freedom I had finally gained by trading pain broke all chains.
I ran.
Towards the bloodthirst and instincts that had bound me all along. Towards the weak version of myself. And towards destiny.
At that moment, for the first time, I could touch the fate that had wielded power over me for two lifetimes.
“No way…”
As I sank my fangs into its nape, destiny whispered that way, dissipating like weathered stone.
Naturally, there was no taste of blood. This was not reality but merely the world within me.
[The atmosphere has changed.]
When I realized that, I was once again facing the first being.
The pain that had tormented me was nowhere to be found, and strength surged through my entire body. However, the impulse that always followed strong power was no longer there.
In this moment, for the first time in my life, I was wholly free.
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