“I was jealous of you all. Oh, it’s not that I think I had it harder than Aria or anything. It’s just… It’s amazing that despite being different races, you trust each other and rely on one another.”
Seeing Lavina fiddling with the pendant around her neck, I realized she still hadn’t taken it off. My blood pendant. The one I made her wear as a condition for joining us before we left the Underground City—it was a symbol of distrust and a sort of bomb collar.
As long as someone wears that, I can, if I want, control the blood inside it and pierce the wearer’s heart.
Even though Lavina accepted it knowing that, does that mean her fear about her life being in someone else’s hands vanished just because she agreed?
Of course not. Yet even after successfully negotiating with the Helraig Duchy, Lavina still wore that pendant around her neck.
“I wanted to go with you guys too. Even though it was only three years, the time I spent with you in the Underground City was the happiest of my life. As for lifespan issues, being a vampire makes it okay, right?”
I quietly closed my eyes.
The elf who was always cheerful and loud, but I could never quite know what she was really thinking.
Being confronted with her hidden sincerity in such an unintended moment left me unsure of how to respond.
‘You want to be together… is that it?’
Honestly, with my age not even hitting thirty when counting my previous life, thinking about the future felt too luxurious to even consider. I couldn’t fully empathize with a being that’s lived over 200 years and their worries which were on a different scale altogether.
Yet I knew better than anyone the feeling of suddenly being thrown into the world alone.
Despairing, unreasonable, with a vague anxiety gnawing at my mind even if I tried not to acknowledge it.
But even so, I couldn’t show weakness. The place we had been thrown into was a harsh reality where people died the moment they were underestimated.
I recalled Lavina’s face, the one who pretended to be unaffected upon hearing that Albresia had burned.
Back then, she had looked strangely fine.
Imagining how she felt, saying she was okay after being exiled by her kin and losing the last hope for reconciliation, wasn’t hard.
“…I followed you here because I wanted to leave together.”
“Yes. I also felt I needed to show that I can be of help to you. To be a bit more honest, I wanted to see for myself if you are strong enough to survive in this harsh world. After all, no matter how long I lived, being caught by humans would be the end, right? I’m in the faction that wants to enjoy my life as much as possible.”
“You suddenly got really honest.”
It was shocking, but I could instinctively tell Lavina was not lying at all.
It was clear she wasn’t trying to deceive; if she had wanted to lie, she would have done it properly.
What gain would there be in saying to my face that she risked dangerous situations just to win my favor, wanting to check if she had enough strength so we wouldn’t all die together?
“I thought Aria is quite suspicious, considering how much she has run away up to now. The maid is one thing, but the other two would definitely put their lives on the line for her, right? So I figured I should at least show this level of sincerity.”
Hearing this in front of me was quite amusing, but there was no denying it wasn’t wrong.
If Lavina hadn’t expressed this much ‘sincerity,’ I surely wouldn’t be sitting here seriously listening to this conversation.
So what should I say in response?
…No, forgetting right and wrong, what do I want to do?
Honestly, if this were before, I would have refused without hesitation.
Eleonora and Plona had proven their commitment by risking their lives, which allowed me to believe; there’s no way I could be on equal footing with their commitment through mere self-interest.
While I shared a friendly relationship with Lavina, she wasn’t ‘my person.’ Therefore, if it were in the past, I would have clearly said it was impossible to have any kind of sincerity or anything else.
‘Then, what about now?’
I don’t know. It’s a late question, but could relationships with others really be categorized so cleanly?
Jeil had asked me what I planned to do after the war was over.
After seriously thinking through his words, I could finally realize that the simple goals I had, just to survive and repay my debts, weren’t going to be as easy as I imagined.
With a position comes responsibility.
Jeil had spoken as if I had a choice—of course, that could have been an intentional remark—but as Stella worried, once I showed myself, I could no longer hide from the humans.
Martini would demand such a role from me.
She might wish for my personal decisions to influence not just on a personal level but the entire group, nation, or even race.
And the responsibilities given to me then would not allow me to just embrace a select few exceptions as ‘my people’.
It would be a lie to say it wasn’t burdensome. Just imagining it is a headache.
But even so, I decided I wouldn’t turn away from the debt I owe to the Sahelrn Duchy.
Repaying this old debt was the least I could do to show respect to those who first lent me a hand when I felt the whole world wanted me dead.
‘Then what about Lavina?’
I can’t deny I have an instinctive rejection regarding the fact that she threw herself into dangerous situations just to gain my trust.
In fact, it wasn’t even a life-threatening commitment like Eleonora or Plona. Lavina probably opted to join thinking she could survive just fine.
Yet, if I consider it coldly, weren’t both the Sahelrn Duchy and Lavina trying to build a relationship with a motive?
The difference is that during the Sahelrn Duchy phase, that motive had been the only lifeline for me, and now it feels like I’ve gained a little leeway to nitpick and complain.
‘Thinking like this makes it seem like I’m just being picky.’
Suddenly aware of this realization, I opened my eyes wide. A bitter smile escaped me.
When I was starving, I was spewing hatred at the whole world, and when a lifeline dropped, I’d hold on desperately. Now to say that someone who can’t prove a perfectly genuine connection can’t be ‘my person’ feels quite ridiculous.
The main point Jeil wanted to convey was the importance of a ruler’s ideals, yet hadn’t it been said that a ruler who couldn’t face reality would undoubtedly be a tyrant?
To doubt everything brings peace. If one thorny and untrusting expectations exist, then nothing can sting you.
But that’s practically impossible. Becoming someone who shoulders the fate of many, rather than just oneself, makes it even more so.
The perfect relationship where trust exists even in life-threatening situations is rare in reality. In fact, having two such trustworthy people beside me feels more like a miracle.
The one solid truth I learned while rolling through the mud is that it’s free to shelter in a bubble of distrust, but that won’t stop hardships from coming my way.
It’s absurd and frustrating, but that’s how the world works.
Of course, being able to handle everything alone would be ideal, but realistically that isn’t feasible.
I proved to myself that to overcome unreasonable hardships that exceed my capacity, I had no choice but to rely on someone else’s hand, as I had come to the Helraig Duchy, more akin to an enemy than an ally.
Now I could no longer pick ‘my people’ through strict criteria.
It doesn’t mean I’ll just blindly trust anyone like some fool, but I must stop the act of cutting ties simply because the relationship isn’t perfect.
“I’m sorry. I know this is sudden. But—”
“Alright. You can come along.”
“Somehow prove it… right?”
Lavina blinked at me with a blank expression.
She looked like someone who had memorized spoken lines only to be caught off-guard by an unexpected question.
“If you want to come, it’s fine. Just know you’ll be surrounded by vampires aside from you and Eleonora, and if you can handle that, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m okay! It sounds great!”
Lavina shook her head vigorously in amazement.
Yeah, it would be silly to be picky about what kinds of rice are served now. As for Lavina, while she may not be a solid ally, she’s surely closer to one than a foe.
There weren’t dramatic elements in our relationship. But refusing a bond that had taken three years to build simply because it isn’t dramatic would be childish.
That childishness has passed.
To move forward, I have to be prepared to get hurt. I need to draw a line on those days when I just sat idle and blamed the world.
As the first step, I decided to willingly accept her, Lavina Vercheria, as one of ‘my people’.
And the next day, the elite forces of the Helraig Duchy, ready at last, began to move.
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