“Your remaining time… at most, three months.”
Well, here we go.
I quietly closed my eyes at the doctor’s hesitative proclamation, as if it was hard for him to say.
This time, I didn’t even feel like getting angry at the doctor and screaming. I had already learned that they couldn’t revive the flickering flame of life.
Honestly, just surviving this long is impressive, isn’t it?
This was the fourth time I’ve heard the specifics of my remaining time during ten long years of battling my illness.
I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with a terminal illness, I had already lived four years longer than expected, and the doctor had mentioned several times that surviving this long was a miracle.
But they say you somehow sense when your time is coming.
The pain that couldn’t be masked by painkillers and a body that struggles to move even a finger strongly suggests that the end is truly near.
So this is what it feels like to be face to face with death. It’s not hard to feel that there will be no next time.
That miracle didn’t turn out to be grand enough to cure my illness. I wish it could have been, just a little more amazing.
But what can I do? Apparently, there’s nothing that can be done even now.
I’m tired of struggling.
They say giving up without trying is a sin, but isn’t heaven just a little less harsh for someone who has fought against a disease for ten years and acknowledges defeat?
“Still… speaking honestly, I wanted to live.”
…I don’t want to die. I don’t care whether heaven or hell awaits me.
I wanted to live rather than die.
I’d be fine with a life that’s not extraordinary. Just enjoying school life like everyone else, working like others.
Complaining about making ends meet over drinks with friends, critiquing our bosses together.
Then, meeting a good person, falling in love, getting married, and creating an ordinary, modest family—this is the kind of life I wanted.
Thinking of an impossible future stirs something in my stomach.
Why is it just me in this situation? What did I do wrong?
How many people in the world are told they deserve to die?
Those terrible people live extravagantly, so why do I have to die?
Did I sell a country in my past life???
Something within me surged, but maybe my brain had learned that getting angry wouldn’t change anything; my rage about the unfair circumstances quickly faded.
After burning firewood in an empty pot, all that remained was the soot-covered void. Thinking about karma from a previous life only left me feeling worse.
“…If there is such a thing as a previous life, is there a next life?”
But if, really, there was a next life, would I have another chance?
“I guess I still have some lingering attachments.”
That’s why these thoughts keep coming to me.
Of course, it’s obvious, but I’d never know the answer to that question until I die.
*
I opened my eyes to familiar yet unfamiliar noises.
For some reason, the clear view shows green leaves fluttering in the wind and a blue sky peeking through them.
‘??’
What is this? I thought I was dying last night, but am I alive?
No, something feels off, and I felt no pain in my body.
It seems that this isn’t just happening in my imagination.
Considering that the pain that I couldn’t suppress with painkillers has completely disappeared, it seems more likely that I’m in the afterlife rather than having narrowly escaped death again.
As I thought of that, it suddenly felt plausible that what was in front of me was not the familiar white ceiling.
If someone heard this, they might laugh it off as a foolish joke, but for someone who had been tightrope walking between life and death, ‘here, the afterlife’ feels more like a documentary than a variety show.
“Peaceful.”
I stared blankly at the drifting clouds and listened to the sound of the wind.
The sound of the wind felt familiar, but it was somehow different.
Is this the difference between the sounds I heard while taking a walk in a wheelchair around the hospital grounds and the sound of wind from true nature?
If that’s the case, I can understand the importance of travel and experience a little more.
Flap!
Suddenly, a bird flew past me.
Do birds live in the afterlife too?
Well, birds are creatures too. It’s too narrow-minded to think only humans have an afterlife and that other animals don’t. I need to reflect on that.
But if there are birds, surely there are humans too. Regardless of where I am, this space isn’t just for me. I couldn’t just lie back and gaze at the clouds, so I instinctively tried to get up, but then I froze after a reflexive flinch.
Yet, contrary to my expectations, the learned pain did not return. A body I can move freely in that doesn’t hurt—what a paradise of the afterlife! …Did I go a bit too far on that?
“……Wait. What’s going on?”
As soon as I raised my upper body, my mind went blank again.
I’m naked, not even wearing a thread. I could understand that. There’s no law saying there should be clothes in the afterlife, right? There are many similar depictions in classic Western paintings. It could easily happen.
“Wait, this isn’t my body.”
But the unfamiliar, pure-white body before my eyes undeniably belongs to a woman.
The curves and the smooth body are so distinctly present that I can’t even classify it as a mistake.
What is this, a prank in the afterlife? I looked around and touched myself, but surprisingly, it was clear that this wasn’t a dream. The sensations were definitely mine.
“No, what the hell.”
Thanks to this, the solid belief in the afterlife suddenly began to waver.
No, if this is the afterlife, then at least it should be my body. I can understand if an old person goes to heaven in their youthful form, but of course, I don’t expect to grasp the laws of the afterlife.
Still, imagining a scenario where someone who lived their entire life as a man suddenly turns into a woman doesn’t really add up—it feels much more believable that I’ve been reincarnated.
“……Reincarnation?”
Is it possible? Really?
I blinked rapidly to see if this was a dream, but the scene before my eyes remains unchanged.
How many times have I wished that there would be a next life? While I can’t be certain yet, at least now, I am in a body that can move freely and in an environment where no obligations weigh down on me.
Thinking about it, a bubbling joy began to rise through my confusion over the strange change of my body and the unfamiliar situation.
Calm down. Nothing is certain yet.
Indulging in hopeful fantasies is a bad habit. My mind understands that this is no different from downing an entire bowl of kimchi soup.
But no matter how hard I try to quell it, I can’t resist the thrill of freedom that comes with this unbound body.
I stretched my hand back, bringing my hair that reached from my shoulder down to my waist forward.
Smooth and beautiful silvery hair—a color that could never occur naturally on Earth. Each little detail feels so surreal it seems real.
Cautiously, I tried to stand up. Again, no pain found its way back to me.
How long has it been since I stood on two feet? Those who take good health for granted wouldn’t know the sheer ecstasy that comes with standing upright. Ah, how pitiful are those who don’t know this charm!
I tried to lightly clench and unclench my hands. Aside from the novelty of my long, white fingers, everything moved perfectly.
When I wiggled my toes and looked down, I couldn’t see them…because my bosom was in the way.
Goodness, the division between my upper and lower body is like the reappearance of the Berlin Wall. Thinking of this as my body left me momentarily dizzy.
I gathered my wits, and as if to kick off, I extended each leg in turn. To my relief, my lower half seemed to be just as diligent in following the commands from my brain.
“Wait a minute, is this a benefit?”
When I thought about it, why should I feel repulsed by a different body? After all, it’s not like I’ve spent less than half my life on a sickbed, right?
Though confused, given the choice between a healthy woman’s body and a frail, original body, I confidently pick the former from north, south, east, and west.
Right, my male body was just familiar because I used it for so long.
There’s no reason to miss a haunted house because of a little fear of new things. If I genuinely have a second chance at life, then gender is a trivial matter.
What kind of a deal is this? I still don’t know what’s happening, but after reaching a conclusion, I suddenly felt elated.
Goodness, just by changing my mindset, the world looks different! Is this life?
“Ah, ah.”
I opened my mouth to try it out, and my voice came out perfectly.
Startled by the pure, clear tone, I thought it trivial, trivial. Not being in pain is what matters.
The saying “a healthy body houses a healthy mind” seems to hold some truth. Although I should be confused, I keep finding myself smiling.
I walked carefully, trying to imprint this delightful moment in my memory, step by step.
Given that it had been ages since my male body could walk on its own, I was worried about moving this body I was driving for the first time, but after a short walk, I found out I might be a potential best driver.
Surely everything would have changed: gender, height, limb length, and balance, but surprisingly there’s not much discomfort, and everything moved as I imagined.
Could it be that I had a talent for walking all along? This level of upright walking on a test drive makes me begin to fear my own potential.
Or maybe a healthy body just comes preloaded with the basics of moving. I momentarily felt that this may be closer to the truth, but that’s a mystery for me.
Anyway, I tried walking, jogging, and almost rolled on the ground, but I decided against rolling because the grass brushing against my bare skin was prickly.
Furthermore, even after all this time trying out my new body, no one seems to be coming to reclaim my freedom, so I decided to give more weight to the reincarnation hypothesis.
To put it accurately, I hope that’s the case.
Once my esoteric excitement settled down a bit, I found the time to look around.
I thought there was only trees and sky, but suddenly, a flash of color other than green and blue passed by the corner of my vision.
It wasn’t enough to be called a building, but there were clearly large rocks arranged in an unnatural formation. Though they were quite far away, they still caught my attention amidst the considerable trees—what looked clearly like the handiwork of humans.
“Well, I might as well head that way.”
Whether this is the afterlife or the next life, I can’t roll around in the forest naked for the rest of my life. Of course, there’s no guarantee that new encounters will always be friendly, so if I happen to find a person, I plan to keep my distance and observe the situation.
“That’s big.”
Seeing up close, the rocks that stood firmly like columns were more enormous than I imagined.
I feel like I’ve seen something similar in books. It’s clearly crafted by human hands, but it exudes a rough, primitive feel. It absolutely resembles ruins.
Human traces… well, it is a trace, but it doesn’t seem likely there would be a chance encounter with a person like I hoped for.
Well, if this is the Stone Age, it could be a different story. Just as I began to drift into a whirlwind of thoughts about scenarios I had never considered,
“Wow! An exit! I can’t believe there’s an exit in a place like this!”
“Plona, you don’t have to shout; we can all hear you. Try to stay quiet down here. It’s enough to make my ears bleed.”
The sounds of something rolling closer than I expected, followed by voices, made me jump as if I’d been caught doing something sinful.
I felt like I should hide.
I rushed behind the stone column to conceal myself, keeping my ears wide open.
“This place… isn’t too far from the village, is it? It was completely out of sight. They’ve acted quite boldly to leave an entrance so exposed.”
You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly why I was just about to leave, thinking there was nothing here.
How many would bother to look for a staircase leading underground hidden among the grass when there are enormous rocks towering above, with their gaze directed upwards? I mean, it seems like it should be there.
“Exactly! But it seems there’s no one left in the underground now!”
I lowered my stance and peered from the edge of the pillar to scope out the source of the voices.
From what I could see, both were women. But that wasn’t the important part.
What caught my eye was the shining silver armor and the swords at their waists. There were remnants of bloodstains left all over—clearly not dried yet.
I quickly dashed back behind the column.
No, this isn’t what I was hoping for. If this is the afterlife, I want to meet someone who could guide me, and if it’s a place where people live, I’d prefer to meet a harmless villager A to find out what’s going on.
I don’t want to encounter frightening individuals who have clearly just returned from a bloody fight.
“That’s right. By now, I can say the cleanup is complete… wait a second.”
Suddenly, the conversation came to an abrupt halt.
I could hear the rustling of the armor and the sound of grass being crushed vanish abruptly.
In that moment, a cold sensation slid down my spine.
Did they notice me? Really? I didn’t even make a sound?
“Don’t move!”
A figure appeared in front of me without a sound, brandishing a weapon menacingly. As I fell backward, I thought,
Ah, bad premonitions are always correct.
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