“Alright, please close your eyes for a moment.”
“…….”
“Now open them again, how do you feel?”
“I’m okay.”
What on earth led us to this point?
The reflection in the mirror wore a dazed expression.
A bit of life began to stir in my slightly pale face.
That can’t be true. Right now, I feel more drained than ever.
A woman with a bright and cheerful face silently smiled at me.
A slightly eerie smile.
I rushed to correct myself.
“I-I think it’s pretty.”
“Yes, well then, let’s go get your hair done.”
“Do I just follow you?”
“Yes, come along.”
Soft oil coated the hair that had only been hastily brushed.
The style that was freely let down seemed no different, yet it gave off a strangely tidied-up feeling compared to before.
So… I was being given an unexpected makeover.
*
Did I ask a pointless question?
It turned out to be a sore spot for the one who came to comfort me.
Slurp, the coffee I sipped wasn’t too bitter.
I wonder if my sister is looking at me and my brother at the same time?
Perhaps her kindness was mixed with vicarious satisfaction.
I thought about it for a moment, but it didn’t seem to matter much.
“I don’t think I’m going to be angry… about this.”
“Well, you might not like it. Jumping to conclusions about others and giving unwarranted kindness. It’s actually quite rude.”
“It’s okay. It was comforting for me. It’s not like you did anything wrong. So, could you just hug me once?”
Elderin. No, Yuserin.
…My sister slowly pulled me in.
Her arms wrapped around me lightly, a chest that swelled with each breath.
The warmth that only a person can give melts the chill deep within my bones.
And along with that, I felt like I was melting away too.
“Just a little bit more, just a little bit. It’s warm… it’s nice.”
Actually, I had done the same by treating someone else as a substitute.
I just longed for warmth.
If I could get what I wanted, it wouldn’t have mattered who it was from the start.
Someone who comes close, says pleasant things.
If there was someone like that, my heart would have fallen easily.
The warmth of a person became too precious to me.
So, if I could borrow their embrace, I wouldn’t mind paying a slightly high price.
Even if there’s some sinister intention hidden behind that warmth, I might overlook it a little.
Perhaps I’m much easier than I think.
I pressed closer to Yuserin.
It was still warm.
Even though the world is leaving spring behind, winter has yet to end for me.
“I… I lied during the meetup.”
“What kind of lie?”
“My leg. It’s not a recent injury. It’s been a long time since I could use it.”
“I knew. I also figured everyone was just pretending not to notice.”
“Huh?”
Such a shocking revelation was said so casually.
When I looked up, I saw a face wearing a faint smile.
I felt like a fool for thinking I had hidden it well.
I lowered my head again.
“How did you know?”
“The crutch and brace were really worn out. And the habit? The body unexpectedly can’t lie. It seems like Da-eun just can’t lie.”
“Well… I didn’t really pay that much attention.”
I thought psychology was my special skill.
To think I’d hear that I’m bad at lying.
Seeing my brace really showed the signs of wear and tear.
I guess I hadn’t been aware of it because I thought of it as a part of me for too long.
After all, I’ve been wearing it since the accident.
Maybe I should change it out for a new one soon.
“Anyway… I did kendo when I was younger. It’s difficult now, though. I was pretty… good.”
“Yeah, you must have been good. I’ve seen you in action.”
“Even if you pump me up, there’s nothing I can do now.”
“I just said what came to mind.”
“Hehe….”
I carefully managed my expression.
And began to talk.
Let’s leave out the stuff that would only cause pain.
I just said that my leg got hurt due to an accident.
Some unfortunate, unreasonable accident that the world should be embarrassed about.
I spoke quite accurately about the state of my leg.
My left leg feels like a solid rock to the touch.
It’s almost immovable no matter how hard I try.
But oddly enough, when weight shifts poorly or if something external strikes, it hurts terribly.
It felt akin to divine retribution from a mischievous deity.
It would have been better if I were completely hopeless.
Keeping a sliver of hope feels like a deliberate and cruel torture.
When the doctor suggested amputation, would it have been better if I had accepted it?
Sometimes I think like that, but I don’t want to imagine deeply.
“A while ago, the doctor said my leg might be fixable. That’s why I had to earn money. You probably guessed, but… I earn it through gaming.”
“Have you thought about doing a broadcast? Is there a reason?”
“I want… to. I want to talk with people. I hope more people watch me.”
“Then…”
“I can’t do it with my connection device.”
Fidget, fidget.
I fiddled with my hands for no reason, and it became momentarily hard to speak, so I bit my lip.
There was a fishy taste at the tip of my tongue.
Right. It was something I had to say.
If I wasn’t going to say this, I shouldn’t have called Elderin in the first place.
I gathered my courage and began to talk about my connection device.
The VR connection device for patients my parents were creating.
An item using a brainwave connection method that was abandoned due to excessive risks.
Originally designed not for gaming—my paradise and my shackles where I can’t do broadcasts or anything else.
And now, I can no longer use even that.
“I-I might not be able to play games anymore… They said employees from the game company are coming in a few days. Maybe, at the most… a few weeks? If they find it too dangerous, they said I won’t be able to connect.”
“The game company is coming?”
“Yeah. They said my connection device is too dangerous. To be honest, I know that. If I keep using this, the day will come when I get hurt. But without the device, how am I supposed to live?”
A falling bird must have a reason.
It may have hurt its wings or become unable to fly anymore, which is why it fell.
Likewise, there must be a reason for the connection method becoming unusable.
But this is all I have left.
One day, I might die while gaming.
It could be an acute shock as I feared, or perhaps I might take my own life out of depression.
Yet without gaming, I would surely die.
“I don’t want to… You took everything from me. My mom, my dad, kendo, my life, all taken away. I’ve only just started to hold on. Isn’t this too much?”
“Da-eun, take it slow. Calm down, okay?”
I barely took a deep breath that was about to rush out. Huff, puff. I exhaled and let it out.
The hands that held me tightly finally calmed my heart.
Yet still, I couldn’t find the answer.
I was a girl without any skills.
My body is broken, and aside from swords and games, I don’t know what else I’m good at.
If there’s anything useful that I have left, it’s one thing.
My face is pretty enough for anyone to recognize.
So what should I do to save my leg?
If all I have is my looks, should I sell this body?
There are many greedy, rich people in this world.
Living as a “woman that looks unfortunate” was something I learned, whether I liked it or not, at least once.
I would probably sell well. Maybe I could receive the warmth I love in ample quantities.
But… it feels like there’s no point in clinging to a life lived like that.
There’s no longer a reason to fix my leg, nor will I dream anymore.
As my mind drowns in alcohol or pleasure… perhaps my body will one day soar in the sky?
It would probably be a short and thrilling flight.
If that’s just how it’s going to be.
Then I’d rather—
“I-I just want to die now…”
Yuserin covered my mouth with her hand.
“Da-eun. You said you wanted to try broadcasting, right?”
“Yes. I mean, not in reality…”
“You said you might not be able to play games anymore. I can’t beat the game company, but there’s one thing I can help you with. The more insurance, the better, right?”
“Eh…?”
*
The car sped down an empty road.
I had no idea where we were going.
But now, Yuserin seemed full of determination.
Feeling a little scared, I nervously fidgeted with my fingers.
“I can’t do broadcasts in reality.”
“Why?”
“Because… I’m not as strong as I am in the game. I can’t just chat happily like that. I’m different from Gawol.”
“But you are Gawol.”
“I’m a bit… different. I mean…”
My mouth naturally shut.
I’m gloomy and filled with jealousy in my heart.
To be honest, my sister is jealous too.
I hate everyone who is happier than me, everyone who shines more than I do.
─I couldn’t say that.
Instead, I looked for another excuse.
“I’ve received a lot of hate. I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
Gawol can overcome the hate of others.
But Han Da-eun cannot.
If people turn their arrows of condemnation toward me— I might just die right there.
And that’s scary.
My heart isn’t that strong.
“You’ve indeed accumulated a lot of grudges here and there.”
“Right? So, that’s why…”
“Popularity outweighs that by far. And it doesn’t seem like you’re fully aware of it yet, so let’s prepare ourselves.”
“I-I don’t want to! I’m scared!”
“Really?”
“…….”
The car came to a stop at a traffic signal.
Yuserin placed her hand on top of my hand.
“If you really don’t want to, I won’t force you. But I hope you’ll believe your sister just this once. What will you do, Da-eun?”
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