Is it okay?
That was the first thing that came to my mind.
Was Mako okay? Was my body big enough to save Mako from danger? Perhaps I might not even be a single bite for the bear.
Meanwhile, Kagami would be running over.
Ah, if it’s Kagami, she might have jumped in to save me from the bear. Even in a situation where she couldn’t find me, Kagami would have done that.
I hope Kagami didn’t do that. I’d rather die alone. That would be for the best.
……
Is that so?
“Hmm.”
A voice rang in my ear.
It was a voice I had heard before.
I remembered it well from that one time, a moment I could never forget.
“Could it really be an unforgettable moment?”
But the voice was muddled.
“It seems you have forgotten. That day, a person who was trying to save you and the one you thought of as… your mother died.”
“……”
I had no response to that.
The voice gently asked,
“I’m not sure if you truly don’t remember or if you just didn’t want to remember. But it looks like you wanted to preserve what you thought your mother desired.”
“……”
“Or do you just want everything to end?”
“……”
“Do you think it’s all okay—as if leaving those who remain behind and just preparing to drift away?”
I thought… it was okay.
I was already dead.
Since I was dead, I came this far. This was just the next life.
When I think about it, I was never lucky.
No, maybe it was just the outcome of my choices going wrong time after time.
If I had only taken some time off that day. If the date could have been changed… if I had been there beside them. If I had grabbed the steering wheel instead. Would my family still be alive?
Was it because I chose such a job that I couldn’t be with my family?
I had seen countless misfortunes. And misfortunes had happened all around me. Those misfortunes were simply the result of bad luck.
A child who was just heading home was hit by a car and died.
Someone who simply felt cold in winter died when an electric blanket caught fire.
A colleague who just wanted to save someone died without coming back from a fire.
I was the same.
My family was the same.
The world is full of such misfortune. On ordinary days, on happy days, on the days when the weather was fine, on the days that should be the happiest—people die. So absurdly, without any reason. Just because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My family was like that, I was like that, and here I am now.
So, it had to be okay—
After all, it was just an ordinary death. I should have been happy that I could gain a new life. That I got to be with a wonderful mother named Kagami in this brief life.
I had to be happy.
Honestly, I don’t really know. Is that happiness worth sacrificing a person’s life for? Does it have that much value? Was I not just living selfishly?
Why did I act as if I didn’t remember? I saw it that day. The person who died while protecting me and Kagami—why has it been until now?
I don’t know. I just… I just wanted to be okay. I hoped nothing would disturb the everyday life of me and Kagami.
I wished for ordinariness.
“Am I just rationalizing my own life? Am I rationalizing my ignorance of another’s death? I wonder. I’m curious about you. We can take our time to find out in the future.”
The voice whispered in my ear.
“There are people who died trying to help you escape, so it would be troubling if you died now. It might not matter much, but both you and your mother would feel that way. And—”
That nameless something chuckled softly.
“Yes, and you are my little lamb as well.”
Little lamb?
But before I could think too deeply about that word, my body began to slowly be pushed back again.
“Since we met, I will tell you what’s good. First, that bear was not merely a bear that you encountered due to bad luck.”
I—
“It seems you gather more attention than expected. Because the concepts looking at you are increasing.”
Concepts looking at me.
“If it continues this way, you will end up unhappy.”
“……Unhappy.”
I mumbled in a cracked voice.
My body was slowly getting wet with water. It felt heavy like I was falling back into a dream.
“I’m glad I came to meet you earlier than I thought. Sweet child, my humble first little lamb.”
That ‘it’ said.
“So, you should keep this in mind.”
The voice got closer to my ear.
“Always be careful. In the unseen woods. Above that sky. In the alley you walk alone.”
“……”
“Something will slowly creep to find you—no, maybe.”
The laughter spoke.
“Maybe it’s you who is looking for it? In the darkness, wriggling through the small chaos, seeking light. Heading toward a place unseen.”
“Chaos.”
But the laughing voice didn’t respond to my questioning words.
“So, please find happiness. I’m hoping for that. Until you find it, be happy. With your ‘mother.’”
The hand on my shoulder softly pushed me again.
“This time, I can help you. It may not be complete, but once will be enough.”
It said.
“I’ll be looking forward to the day you first speak to me.”
*
When I opened my eyes, all I saw was blood.
I was lying on the floor, and the bear was nowhere in sight as if it had never existed.
The blood was… naturally red. As I stared at the red splatters all over my body, I felt a bit dizzy.
I couldn’t quite remember what had happened.
The sky was just indifferently blue.
My body was soft, and the chilling sensation had completely vanished.
People were mumbling around.
And among them—
“Koto Ne!”
Kagami was crying out my name.
Kagami held me tightly. As if I had died or something.
…… It was a situation where I should have been dead. I had been bitten by a bear.
I wiggled my fingers. But the bitten arm felt like it was still attached.
“…Mom.”
As I called Kagami with a broken voice, her crying abruptly stopped.
“Koto Ne…?”
Kagami, wide-eyed, pulled me slightly away. The blood on her clothes was vividly visible. That was probably my blood.
There was no pain at all.
As if the situation just moments ago was nothing but a lie.
I wished it was a lie.
But how far should the lie go?
That the bear wasn’t actually just a bear?
That somehow, I was connected to something I couldn’t even understand?
That Mako was next to me when I got bitten by that bear?
That I had to mess things up in the place where I was running away from with Kagami?
That one person had to be sacrificed during the escape?
That I couldn’t even say goodbye to the kind lady taking care of us before leaving the house?
That Kagami had to take me and run away?
……
And if not,
Did I have to be born into this world?
My vision blurred.
It wasn’t that I was fainting or anything. It was because of tears blocking my sight.
Sniff The sound of sniffing could be heard. It was my own voice.
“Mom…”
In the end, I couldn’t hold back the tears.
I don’t know.
Where did it all go wrong? Even if I wanted to analyze every mistake and erase them all, I couldn’t because all those events were connected to the good memories—
So I couldn’t.
Just as it was painfully difficult to remember the end whenever my past self thought of my family, there was also a painful reason behind the happy and joyful memories in this world.
I had given up so many times, and every time I searched for happiness, I had to give up once again.
But I didn’t want to give up.
I just wanted to be happy.
I just wanted to live long with Kagami.
But that wasn’t possible.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do anything about it.
Kagami hugged me tightly again.
Over her shoulder, I saw an uncle watching over us.
The uncle who played the role of our dad.
That uncle was risking his life to protect us.
Why?
Why would he go that far?
I had never doubted it until now. No, I didn’t even think to question it. I tried not to.
That the uncle who helped me might have died. That the fact that we were in such danger was real.
The longer time passed, the more accustomed I became—thinking that I was getting closer to the ordinary Kagami had talked about.
I cried out loud.
Maybe this was the first time since coming to this world that I had cried like this.
Kagami did too.
We both cried while holding each other like just two little kids.
I don’t know.
I don’t know, really. Not a single thing.
I want to be happy, but I don’t know how to be happy. How can we not lose the ordinary lives we just got?
Just being together like this is enough.
My throat hurt.
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