Our Christmas was simple.
Because it was truly just the two of us.
Unfortunately, there weren’t many people I could fully trust, and if I had to point one out, it would be Yamashita-san, but having someone help doesn’t necessarily mean it’s family or friends.
Moreover, from my perspective as someone who doesn’t know much about Japan, Yamashita-san looked… um, ‘Yakuza’-like. It seems like they might not be that far apart in their relationship, since they lent Kagami money without big conditions, but I also understand why Kagami couldn’t fully trust them.
I might feel ungrateful thinking of them as someone who helped us live like this—
What can I say? Kagami is still just a girl in her late teens. It’s already strange to call someone just over twenty an adult, so imagine how it is for Kagami.
And now there’s a daughter too. Even though it’s hard to feel responsible at that age, Kagami genuinely takes care of her daughter. As someone who hasn’t raised a child, I don’t know if that’s the right way or not, but I definitely feel that Kagami truly cares for me as family and loves me.
So, for that beloved daughter, the one existence she has, it’s only natural that Kagami would be a bit on edge about her surroundings.
“How is it? Is it warm?”
Kagami asked as she wrapped a scarf around my neck.
“Yeah.”
To be honest, I thought it was a bit too tight, but it’s better than catching a cold.
If I get a cold, Kagami would worry.
“Let me know if your legs hurt while walking.”
Was she trying to hug me or something?
If I were only seven, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but considering my age—I’m just a kindergarten kid—it wouldn’t be surprising for my legs to hurt.
My question was resolved sooner than I thought.
Kagami opened a closet near the entrance and took out a folding stroller.
“…”
Ah, there’s a stroller.
The reason I didn’t think of it is simple.
The stroller was quite clean. It was probably fairly new. It couldn’t have been more than a year since she bought it when she moved here. She couldn’t take big stuff when she fled.
Of course, I must have ridden in a stroller back when I was younger, but memories from that time are hazy, mostly just fragments, since I remember being in Kagami’s arms.
Now that I’ve grown up… I usually take the bus to kindergarten, and on weekends, when I go out with Kagami, we normally just go to the nearby playground, so I’ve never felt the need to ride in a stroller.
Even if it’s not going to another city, I guess my legs could get a bit tired if we went out to play.
But the vague memories from those times are hard to recall no matter what, and riding in a stroller now would be seen as unusual for my age.
Since I was in kindergarten uniform, this was the biggest crisis in my life.
*
Setting aside the stroller issue for now, it was enjoyable to wander around with Kagami.
Even though my small steps were much slower than an adult’s, Kagami always moved cautiously while holding my hand.
The weather was cold, but oddly, thanks to the warm atmosphere, it didn’t feel overly chilly. No, it’s probably because Kagami bundled me up in layers to keep me warm.
Although I’ve been forgetting the meaning of Christmas as I’ve grown older, somehow walking alongside someone who’s my mother gives me a feeling that I now understand its meaning.
Not knowing exactly where we were, we took a commemorative photo near a large tree.
With the stroller parked, Kagami set the camera timer and picked me up in front of the tree, smiling widely for the photo.
I should have focused on the camera, but I got transfixed on Kagami’s face, illuminated by the tree lights, flashing a bright smile.
At first, I thought I might be making an unreasonable request, but it didn’t seem that way at all to Kagami.
The time we spent together seemed to reflect pure, genuine joy, like she was truly happy.
While it was also a mother’s expression—her innocent face looked just like a girl of that age, tugging at my heartstrings a bit.
Given our situation, Kagami was frugal with various items. She might have timed her grocery shopping for discount hours at the mart, and even sometimes brought home food from her workplace.
Yet, she didn’t seem to think spending on film for taking my photo was wasteful.
The pictures of my face while drinking hot chocolate from a child’s cup—there was cream slightly smudged on my lips—or my face gazing at Tokyo Bay—since it’s been a while since I’ve seen the sea, I think I looked a little dazzled—or my shape peering around intently—since my line of sight is too low, I instinctively did that—were all taken quite diligently.
She even changed the film several times.
Looking at all this, it really felt like the ’90s.
The clothes people wore, the scenery around—they all felt familiar, yet somehow distinctly different. Even though it had just been a while since the bubble burst, the Christmas spirit made the atmosphere lively.
After wandering around for a while, we decided to take a brief break on a bench in the park.
Kagami wrapped one arm around me to keep me warm, making me snuggle into her side.
It took a moment for the warmth to transfer through our thick clothes, but it undoubtedly felt better than just sitting in the cold air.
I wrapped my arms around Kagami as best as I could. Though I couldn’t say her waist wasn’t thin, unfortunately, my little four-year-old arms were too short to completely wrap around it.
We sat there without saying a word for a while.
“… Koto Ne.”
The first to speak was Kagami.
Since I had been quietly looking up at her, I could clearly see the white breath escaping from her mouth.
Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t feel the cold.
Sometimes, being an adult can make you feel even colder.
When you have to think about a daunting future or when your close friends drift away, one by one, due to circumstances.
… When you lose family.
I’ve experienced that in my previous life. I have memories of losing my family.
Even in this next life I’m living, thinking back to that time feels like a gaping hole in my heart.
So what about Kagami?
I wonder what it was like for Kagami.
She hasn’t told me precisely why we had to run away, as if she still didn’t want to share the dark stories.
But one thing is certain. Kagami must have been pushed to the point of asking for help from Yamashita-san, someone she initially didn’t want to rely on.
To the extent that she had to break her words of wanting to grow up ‘normally’, because there was no one to ask for normal help.
At eighteen—
…No, since I’m now nine, at the age where I was just fourteen. With a child who can’t do anything, she could only rely on her.
“Did you have fun today?”
That’s what I’ve wanted to ask.
Did Kagami have fun? Was she happy?
At an age where she has so many things she wants to do, yet she gave it all up for just me.
“… Yeah.”
But I didn’t have the courage to ask.
Because, if it’s Kagami, she would definitely say yes.
With a bright smile.
As if I were the very fulfillment of her dream.
I was just a helpless little child.
Hearing my reply, Kagami gently smiled and patted my head.
Feeling her soft touch through the knitted hat, I buried my face into her body.
For some reason, I didn’t want to show her the expression I had right now.
Kagami just held me tightly, as if to comfort me.
*
At first, I was walking stubbornly, refusing to ride in the stroller, but of course, there was a limit to the stamina of a five-year-old.
They say adults often are exhausted by children’s boundless energy, but seeing it like this, endurance seems to be a separate issue.
It wasn’t just my legs that were hurting; my eyelids started to grow heavy too, which meant I ultimately had no choice but to climb into the stroller.
Kagami tried to push the stroller as slowly and gently as possible to spare me, but going over the bumpy sidewalk couldn’t be helped.
However, no matter how much it jostled, the sleepiness couldn’t be avoided. I desperately blinked to stay awake.
Even after walking all day, Kagami appeared unfazed as she leisurely pushed my stroller.
I could hear her humming a tune.
It felt like I had heard it before, and thinking back, it was a song I sung with Harumi at kindergarten.
Did she like that song…?
Humming along, when the part came where she needed to say “Woof, woof, woof!”, she even made the sound with her mouth.
No, more than that, it felt like that song was some sort of lullaby.
Kagami’s voice flowed so softly into my ears, causing my eyelids to grow heavier.
Eventually, I fell asleep without even realizing when.
When I opened my eyes again, I was already lying in bed facing Kagami.
As always, in her warm embrace.
I could tell it was Kagami even without seeing her face.
I snuggled even deeper into her arms and quickly drifted back into sleep.
That night, I had good dreams.
In that dream, I was still cradled in Kagami’s arms.
While stroking my head, Kagami hummed a lullaby, occasionally whispering in my ear, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
That dream was much better than the nightmares I used to have.
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