In Japan, Christmas is not a holiday.
In the manga or light novels that take place in a school setting, winter vacation starts around that time, so it doesn’t really feel special. For working adults, it probably just feels like any other weekday.
Well, even if it’s a holiday, as you age, the meaning does somewhat fade. It’s not that I don’t feel the ‘red day’ aspect, but rather that the meaning of ‘Christmas’ simply turns into ‘just a holiday.’
Of course, objectively speaking—especially through the eyes of others, particularly adults—I am at an age where I’m quite influenced by that ‘Christmas’ day.
Since my birthday isn’t particularly close to Christmas, I’ve just turned four this year. If you consider Korean age, I’m nearing six, almost five, so at least I know what Christmas is about.
Um, though as a child with a sense of wonder, I might not know it as accurately as others do.
It’s the day when a man in a red suit and a bushy white beard comes in and leaves desired presents.
Good children receive gifts in the stockings they hung, while those who haven’t behaved receive coal.
And for that reason, today I found myself in a dilemma.
At first glance, the kindergarten atmosphere seemed no different from usual, but looking closer, there were some excited expressions on the children’s faces.
Hmm~Hehe~
I heard a little humming from the seat next to me.
Harumi, sitting next to me, was already writing diligently on a white sheet of paper about what she wanted. Her scribbled handwriting was cute, typical of a child.
As for me, I couldn’t settle on what to write on the white stationery at all.
Today’s task at kindergarten is to ‘write a letter to Santa.’
All the letters written to Santa are to be collected by the teacher and sent at once to Santa… or so it should be, but in reality, they are sent to the parents, and whether or not the gift mentioned in that letter will be given depends on the parents’ will.
And I think that no matter what happens, Kagami will definitely try to get me the gift I wrote. Because in Kagami’s eyes, I’ve always been a good kid.
I also think, um, I probably seemed much more mature than the other kids. After all, what’s inside is basically an adult.
I stared at the white paper for a long time, contemplating.
Toys are out of the question. Just saying ‘toys’ doesn’t clarify what kind of toy I want and how I want it. Since I feel like Kagami might buy the best one they can find, even if it means skipping a few lunches, I would prefer to write something that’s cheaper and easier to find.
If I were to request something like a scarf or gloves, Kagami would likely think, ‘Oh, my Koto Ne must be cold! It’s because I haven’t been taking care of her properly that she’s caught the chill!’
Kagami is always concerned about the fact that we have a ‘single-parent family’ and that they are a ‘minor.’ And that suggests a somewhat different family from what Kagami considers ‘normal.’
Kagami has always tried to hide from me that I belong to a ‘not-so-normal family.’ Not so much out of inferiority complex, but hoping that I wouldn’t be looked down upon wherever I go.
They can’t buy me terribly expensive clothes, but they do their best to get me clean and nice ones. Before going outside in winter, they wrap a scarf around my neck tightly and make sure I wear gloves.
To be honest, being so bundled up feels a little stifling.
However, if I were to take them off in front of Kagami, it would certainly hurt them, so I stayed buried in those thick clothes until I took the bus to kindergarten.
If I asked for more heating measures here, I felt I might catch heat stroke in the dead of winter, so that’s a pass.
“……”
The problem is, after eliminating those two options from my choices, there was nothing left in my head. With the imagination of a poverty-stricken adult, I found no way to solve this problem.
“Koto Ne-chan?”
As I sat pondering with the white paper in front of me, the teacher sat next to me.
“Do you not know what to write?”
They gently asked like that.
Ah, this feels a bit precarious.
Just like the stories of children causing trouble at school that are reported to parents, kindergarten is the same.
I don’t really find my current behavior to be problematic, but it’s not something that should go without mentioning.
A child being in a state of wanting nothing at all is, no matter how you think about it, not normal.
How can I avoid putting too much of a burden on Kagami? Yet at the same time, not break their heart too?
I slowly moved my hand and picked up a blunt-tipped children’s pencil.
And I began to slowly write on the paper.
[I want to go out playing with Mom.]
Just that much.
But it seems the teacher thought it was good enough, letting out a light sigh of relief and gently patting my head.
Um, now that I think about it, I’ve never really gone out and played with Kagami.
Would this be okay?
After hesitating for a moment, fearing that Kagami might aim for something like Disneyland or a much further place, I wrote a bit more specifically.
[Going with Mom to the department store. Eating delicious food with Mom. Wandering around with Mom.]
“……”
Somehow it felt like the teacher was watching me so intently while I wrote, causing me to feel really pressured, but I decided to stick with this for now.
I hope it doesn’t… become a burden.
While putting the letter into a big envelope and decorating it with various drawings and cut-outs, I continued to think like this.
*
And for about a week until Christmas, Kagami would quietly observe me.
It seemed the letter had reached Kagami. I tried to act as if I noticed nothing about Kagami’s watchful gaze.
Did I write something unnecessary in the letter?
At that time, I rushed a bit and wrote it, but looking back now, maybe everything sounded burdensome to Kagami.
I don’t really know exactly where Kagami works, but I guess it’s probably somewhere like a restaurant.
Considering how their cooking skills have been steadily improving, they might have worked in a kitchen somewhere, right?
If so, Christmas would be prime time, and if the kitchen gets busy, there would be a shortage of hands.
Not just restaurants, but everywhere that involves sales would be like that.
“Koto Ne, Koto Ne.”
Just like always, when Kagami calls my name, it’s soft yet has a playful tone to it.
But today, one of the two calls had a slight gap in between. That suggests that they were perhaps lost in thought for a bit.
I felt Kagami gently hug me from behind while I was staring blankly at the TV.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
I steeled myself.
Were they perhaps going to ask me if it’s okay if not just Christmas, but another day is good too?
But my concern was quite different from that.
“Umm… is staying home too much, a bit, um.”
Kagami fell into thought for a bit before cautiously speaking.
“Is it boring?”
…Ah, I see.
Thinking back, neither of us really went anywhere far to play.
It’s not even that going far was an issue, as even going to the nearby market wasn’t something we did that often either.
I’m not the type to demand we go out, and Kagami seemed more inclined to just lounge around the room with me over the weekend looking a bit tired.
Perhaps Kagami hadn’t even considered that I wanted to ‘go out and have fun.’
Isn’t that a little strange?
Moreover, recalling life before I was born, there may not have been much leeway to go out and play.
People often have a hard time imagining things they haven’t experienced.
“……No. I like it because the house is warm.”
I took a moment to answer, still recovering from the shock.
But it seems Kagami interpreted that a bit differently, as they simply continued to embrace me without a word.
“Shall we go out on Christmas?”
Kagami whispered quietly while holding me close.
“Let’s go see beautiful things and eat something delicious. How about it?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.”
This time, I answered correctly and properly.
Kagami chuckled softly and hugged me tighter.
It felt a little suffocating. Some of that suffocating feeling came from the weight of knowing Kagami had to be in this situation at such a young age. And a sense of affection.
The frustration of not being able to resolve that situation… even so, even if I were an adult, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything.
The other suffocating feeling was the one that came from being held close by Kagami.
I didn’t like the former suffocating feeling. I didn’t want to feel that.
But the latter, the suffocating feeling that comes from being held, was fine.
Knowing that the being embracing me was, in reality, just a fragile girl, yet feeling like her arms were the safest place in the world.
It felt as if I instinctively sensed that.
Well, I guess it’s only natural.
Kagami was, after all, my mom.
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