What mindset should one have when taking on a job that involves helping others?
That there shouldn’t be any discrimination toward the person in front of me? It’s not that hard to have such a mindset. In fact, when everything around is burning fiercely, there’s no time to think about what kind of person is standing right in front of me.
Like any job, when you repeatedly jump into the flames, the sense of duty inevitably becomes just a task. And in that task, there isn’t much room for emotions to intervene.
What’s truly important is after all that work is done.
My body is exhausted, my clothes feel like they’re suffocating me, and the equipment is heavy. After enduring all that pressure while working, once I finally finish my job, throw aside my gear, and take a sip of water, I suddenly find myself wondering.
Did everyone I brought out make it? Is there anyone severely injured?
Was I too late?
And, tragically, the people who could’ve been saved if I had arrived a few minutes earlier, the ones who might have been less injured or not injured at all, always seem to come to mind.
I know it’s physically impossible. The time it takes to recognize a situation and report it, the time it takes to hear and understand the report, and the time it takes for that information to reach us and for us to rush to that place. No matter how fast we go, there are always unbridgeable gaps.
Moreover, once I go deeper into the scene, the situation changes again. Even if I get the explanation outside, finely maneuvering inside a burning house to accurately find people and bring them out quickly is exceedingly difficult.
I try not to think about it.
That there was nothing more I could have done, that this was the best outcome I could manage. It’s fortunate it didn’t turn out worse.
But it was a matter of life and death. Shaking off such thoughts isn’t easy.
“……”
It’s still like that now.
Right now, there’s barely any reason for me to carry an oxygen tank and head into a fire scene. My catching Yōkai isn’t a duty either. I’m just doing it because I want to.
However, since it’s something I want to do, it’s not easy to get rid of the thoughts about my failures.
Mako, who usually appears to be calm but is lively when talking, seemed lifeless during the exam period.
I had felt reassured seeing Miura talking to me, but actually, it seems their wounds were much deeper than I had anticipated.
Although I avoided the worst-case scenario of them slipping into a coma or suffering permanent disabilities, they must still be hurt. After all, they got stabbed.
Is it my fault?
Even as I think no, there’s a part of me that wonders. It’s not easy to fully accept that everything was beyond my control. After all, I was really there.
“……”
Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to dwell on it. It’s not like I can change anything now.
I looked back down at the exam paper.
…Studying with Yuka had some pretty good effects.
Of course, I couldn’t answer every question properly, but still, it seemed easier than the midterms.
Yet, even as I felt that way, my heart wasn’t exactly light.
What should I say?
After the exam, I sat around in the Literature Club Room, lost in thought.
Even though Mako seemed really down, she worked hard not to lose her kindness around others.
When the kids spoke to her, she responded well and even laughed at the jokes. During break time, she casually answered my questions with an appropriate guess.
So, for a brief moment, I thought it might just be a trick of my mind.
…But looking at Fukuda and Yamashita glancing at Mako, it was clear she was pushing herself too hard.
That made my heart feel heavier. I knew how bright and energetic she usually was.
If only she were just feeling down over something trivial.
No, of course, I realize that big events for someone my age are mostly first-time experiences, so calling them trivial may be a bit much, but if it were a breakup with a boyfriend, we could at least suggest going somewhere to have fun and scream a bit.
But if her parents are sick, well.
The comfort I know mostly falls into methods that only work after adulthood. Just taking them out and having some drinks together.
…But that’s not really an approach I can use on a kid like Mako.
“Is it because of Miura?”
Yuka asked, noticing that I wasn’t able to focus on studying.
I nodded my head.
“You say it’s not your fault.”
“Ugh.”
In response to Yuka’s words, Koko, who was sitting next to her, made a sound of agreement. Looking at her face, she seemed a little angry as well.
No, should I say she looked frustrated?
I was silently impressed that Koko could pick up on people’s emotions so accurately to that extent, but that fact didn’t cheer up my gloominess at all.
Yeah.
Once again, I’d like to say, I know this isn’t my fault. It’s Kosuzu’s fault for causing all of this, and I don’t have any legal responsibilities in the matter.
I get it, but—
Still, it’s different to think about it alone and to hear it directly from the person involved.
That’s right. I was thinking some really terrible thoughts. I wanted Mako, who’s been suffering enough, to tell me that it’s okay.
“Um.”
Seeing me nodding my head with a gloomy expression, Yuka folded her arms and sank into thought.
Had Yuka thought similarly? After all, it’s Yuka who has been catching Yōkai since childhood. She must have definitely felt guilt thinking about the people who died first because she couldn’t protect them.
“A way to lighten Miura’s mood, huh.”
Yuka pondered for a long time, but a solid answer didn’t come out.
…But that’s understandable. Yuka is still in her mid-teens; she’s just started making proper friends.
It’s only natural that she wouldn’t know how to cheer up a kid whose parents are sick.
“Why don’t you try saying something first?”
Yuka suggested to me.
“Yeah, I know it’d be tough. I know that too. That’s probably why you haven’t reached out.”
When I looked closely at Yuka, she shrugged her shoulders in acknowledgment.
“But if you say something first, I’m sure she won’t reject it. When times are tough, you want to lean on anyone.”
I was a bit surprised by Yuka’s words.
As I looked over at her, her face turned a little red.
“Why? I know at least this much?”
And it was only now that I recalled that Yuka didn’t have a mother with her.
There must have been tough times. Perhaps Yuka leaned on her family back then.
…….
When I faced similar situations, I didn’t want to rely on others.
I don’t quite know why. Maybe I just hated the world.
Yet, even so, I had to live, so I just kept on working.
“……Alright.”
I nodded my head, giving a small response, and then once again lowered my head over the textbook.
*
The last day of exams.
“……Mako.”
After finishing the last exam and receiving congratulations from our homeroom teacher, Suzuki-sensei, I spoke up to Mako.
“Yeah?”
Since I had been avoiding speaking to Mako for the past few days, she seemed a bit surprised.
Was it because she showed a surprised expression? She looked much better than when she just had her head hanging.
No, that was probably just my wishful thinking. I steeled myself.
What should I say?
No matter how I think about it, just saying she’s okay seems off.
I should say something else—
“Oh, what’s this, what’s this?”
Suddenly, a weight settled on my shoulders, causing me to sway a bit. But thankfully, I wasn’t going to fall. The person who pressed down on my shoulder had clasped her arms around me tightly.
“Are we going somewhere together? Well, now that the exams are over, we should go release some stress!”
Fukuda stepped in and said what I had been trying to say first.
“How about it, Yu?”
“Um.”
Just like always, Yu briefly glanced up from his phone, looking over at me with a somewhat blank expression.
Our eyes met for a moment.
Yu quickly lowered his gaze back to his phone and said.
“Sure, I’ve got nothing to do anyway.”
“Right, right.”
“Wha?”
With those words, Fukuda pulled Koko over to her side with her other hand.
“Let’s go to karaoke for the first time in a while. We’ve been cooped up, so let’s blow off some steam!”
Karaoke, huh.
It has been a little while since I went.
But still, considering that Mako’s father is in the hospital—
“……Okay.”
But contrary to my worries, Mako replied like that.
“School ended early, and the exams are over.”
“Looks like you’re not trying to answer now?”
Fukuda teased, smiling as he asked, but Mako merely shot him a glare.
“There’s no need to stress yourself over the last day just because it’s the last day, right? There’s no need to be tense.”
Stretching her arms up and yawning as if remembering something suddenly, Mako then turned to me and asked.
“By the way, what about Yuuki? Aren’t you going with us today?”
“……Oh, that’s.”
Yuka said she would go first today. It was probably her consideration.
She said she would pack up her things at home first.
Besides, we already had plans after the exams.
“She said she has something to do and will go ahead.”
But somehow, I felt a bit awkward saying Yuka had been staying at my place for a while.
“Is that so.”
Mako said, sounding relieved somewhat.
“Okay then, let’s do that.”
Mako spoke with a slight smile on her lips.
Still, perhaps because some time had passed, Mako seemed to have relaxed a little.
*
In some cases where there are genuine stomach issues causing tightness in the chest, there are also those who feel that way because they have too much on their mind.
Mental pain is indeed related to physical pain.
For example, when you see someone else getting hurt, it’s common to feel a tingling sensation in that spot, or when you think of something delicious, you might salivate, demonstrating that a person’s body has some ability to simulate sensations.
That’s how emotions can trigger physical discomfort. It can be a headache, chest tightness, or even a tearing pain.
The “Oh, this is the feeling of pain!” cliché from robots actually means that logically, it doesn’t make sense. The feeling of sadness and the simulated pain that comes along with the sadness can’t be perceived without an organ responsible for feeling “pain.”
…Well, I’ve strayed a bit, but what I want to say is this.
Whether there’s something genuinely wrong in the stomach or it’s simply emotional discomfort, crying out is a bit of a reckless act removed from those two sensations.
Yet at least, if the discomfort is felt due to emotions, shouting and releasing those feelings can help.
When feeling tight inside, the urge to climb somewhere high and scream is probably due to that.
Of course, if you actually did that in the mountains, well, a wildlife officer would surely come yelling at you for startling wild animals, given the standards of the 2020s.
“……Phew.”
That’s why we came to karaoke. There aren’t many places in the middle of Tokyo where you can shout to your heart’s content except for karaoke.
And today, Mako, who usually only sings quietly, belted out an exhilarating song.
“Wow, Mako, you’re on fire!”
Fukuda said, sounding a bit surprised. Even Yamashita, who usually wouldn’t react unless he knew the song, had his eyes slightly widened looking at Mako.
“Wow…”
Koko, who loves upbeat songs, seemed a bit taken aback that Mako would sing something like that.
“……Alright.”
Once she finished singing, perhaps feeling embarrassed, Mako slightly flushed and handed the mic over to me.
That, I hadn’t even reserved a song yet.
Looking back at the screen, it turned out no song was reserved at all.
Maybe it was their consideration. Fukuda and Yamashita might have been waiting for Mako to feel comfortable singing whatever she wanted.
As I awkwardly averted my gaze, my eyes met Fukuda’s.
“What’s wrong? You’re not singing.”
“Uh, no, you guys—”
“Normally the one holding the mic sings first.”
Is that how it goes? When I came last time, there didn’t seem to be such a rule.
“See, Koko is looking forward to it too.”
Well, that’s true.
I turned my gaze to Yamashita.
Yamashita had once again lowered his gaze to his phone.
…Could they have perceived me as gloomy? Hmm, perhaps that’s possible. I was feeling down seeing Mako’s mood as well.
Well, whatever, that’s fine.
In that case, I’ll just sing.
“……”
To be honest, I couldn’t think of a song to sing.
“If you can’t think of a song, shall we sing together?”
Mako asked.
That sounded nice.
It felt like consideration for me, and it seemed she wanted to sing another duet as well. After all, the time doesn’t pass just because we aren’t singing.
“Sure.”
“Then, I’ll sing the first verse, and Koto Ne can handle the second.”
The song Mako chose was a lively, popular song. Right, it felt like I’d heard it on TV.
“I see you know this one.”
Seeing my expression, Mako smiled.
Thus, we sang together.
Even though Koko jumped in midway, thanks to that, we could shake off at least some of the lingering sad feelings.
*
We played until almost dinner time and then stepped outside, strolling leisurely.
“Ugh, it’s cold.”
No, in reality, it wasn’t that leisurely.
The weather in Tokyo wasn’t biting to the bone, but it was chilly enough to make you shiver. The coat I was wearing made it feel even colder than it was.
Besides, Fukuda, who had just muttered that, was wearing the shortest skirt among us. It was bold to show off her bare legs like that in winter, but thanks to that, Fukuda didn’t seem to have any tolerance against the cold.
“Oh, right, right.”
To forget that cold, or perhaps remembering things she had forgotten due to the chill, Fukuda clapped her hands and spoke.
Then she quickly shoved her hands back into her pockets and asked,
“What’s everyone doing for Christmas Eve?”
We looked at each other.
It seems like no one has any plans.
…Ah, I see.
None of us here have a boyfriend. Whether Mako doesn’t have one because she never thought of finding a guy, or if Fukuda and Yamashita also lack boyfriends.
They had tried at some point. The real issue was that they hadn’t kept in touch afterward.
“If no one’s doing anything, how about we gather for a party? Not just us, but invite a few friends over and hang out together.”
“……Where?”
When Yamashita asked, Fukuda’s eyes widened.
“Eh? Just anywhere suitable?”
“……If it’s Christmas Eve, all the reserved places will be booked.”
“Right.”
Mako nodded at Yamashita’s words.
“If there’s a place available, now would be the peak time for bookings.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yeah. You’d have to secure a reservation at least a month in advance.”
Not just Christmas. New year’s eve and the weeks around that are likely packed with reservations.
“Ah… then whose house should we watch it at?”
Fukuda looked at me first but quickly turned her eyes away.
Yeah, that makes sense. Even though there are no adults around, it would be too cramped for all of us to gather in that small space. Honestly, it would turn into a gloomy communal experience rather than a party atmosphere.
“Ah, I’m sorry. My father is not home right now—”
“Oh, no! I wasn’t thinking of that!”
When Mako said that she felt uneasy, Fukuda jumped back a bit.
That makes sense.
If we suggested meeting there just because her father is in the hospital, that would be simply crass.
“Ah… But, our place might be a bit awkward too.”
That’s probably true. Knowing Fukuda and Kagemi’s father drinks, they might bring a boyfriend home afterward. Fukuda might just be tossed some cash to go enjoy herself outside.
Naturally, the one clear among us was Yamashita.
“……”
Seeing the pleading look in Fukuda’s eyes, Yamashita let out a huge sigh.
Yamashita’s house is spacious. Not just spacious, but a genuine traditional Japanese house like the ones in movies.
It wasn’t intentional, but since I was the one who bled all over the house, I know there’s plenty of room even if we bring a sizable crowd.
“……You should have mentioned that earlier if you were going to suggest it.”
“Sorry.”
Fukuda smiled apologetically. That doesn’t mean it didn’t feel sincere. Given how her eyebrows were slightly furrowed, it looked more like her apology was genuine.
“……I’ll talk to my father about it.”
“Thanks!”
“Ugh…?”
Yet, among all the exchanges, someone’s voice filled with concern slipped out.
It was Koko.
“Um, why? Is there something troubling you?”
It would make sense that her gaze fell on me. Koko might be bright, but she doesn’t articulate things very clearly at times.
“……I’m not sure.”
I genuinely didn’t know.
Wasn’t Koko looking forward to Christmas? There’s no reason for her to be against it, right?
As my gaze turned towards Koko, she glanced back at me, unsure, and hesitated to say.
“What if Santa gets confused about the place?”
“…….”
The gaze that had been on Koko turned back towards me.
…..
What should we do?
I pondered for a long time on how to explain it to Koko.
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